LAF Life (Living Alcohol Free)

Guest Story Nicole Ross Ep. 14

May 01, 2022 Nicole Ross Season 1 Episode 14
LAF Life (Living Alcohol Free)
Guest Story Nicole Ross Ep. 14
Show Notes Transcript

This is episode 14 and we have a special guest on today. **WARNING! ** the content in this episode is explicit. Our guest will be giving us details of her traumatic journey to sobriety and if you have the kiddos in the car you may want to save this episode for later but definitely tune back in as it's a very inspirational  Episode. Nicole is a warrior! At a young age, Nicole endured a lot of trauma that lead her to a life of excessive drinking & substance abuse. With her family as motivation, listen to how she broke a vicious cycle of addiction to begin her journey to healing & sobriety.

Be a guest on our show https://forms.gle/GE9YJdq4J5Zb6NVC6

Music provided by Premium Beats: https://www.premiumbeat.com
Song: Rise and Thrive
Artist: Young Presidents

**Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this episode are not professional or medical opinions. If you are struggling with an addiction please contact a medical professional for help.

**Please remember to: Like, Subscribe and leave us a 5-star rating or review. If you enjoyed this episode SHARE it with a friend.
Facebook @ https://www.facebook.com/groups/laflife
Instagram @ https://www.instagram.com/laflifepodcast
Website: https://www.laflifepodcast.com/
Be a guest on our show: https://forms.gle/GE9YJdq4J5Zb6NVC6
Email us: laflifepodcast@gmail.com

Connect with your podcasters. We'd love to hear from you!
Tracey:
https://www.instagram.com/tnd1274/
Kelly:
https://www.instagram.com/pamperedkel/
Lindsey:
https://www.instagram.com/hariklindsey/

**Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this episode are not professional or medical opinions. If you are struggling with an addiction please contact a medical professional for help.

Music provided by Premium Beats:
https://www.premiumbeat.com
Song: Rise and Thrive
Artist: Young Presidents

Resources:
Wellness Togethe...

Guest Ep. 14 Nicole Ross

[00:00:00] Intro

[00:00:00] Kelly: Welcome to the LAF life podcast, a lifestyle podcast based on living alcohol free and a booze-soaked world. My name is Kelly Evans and together with my friends, Tracey, Djordjevic, Mike Sutton and Lindsay Harik. We share uncensored. Unscripted real conversations about what our lives have been like since we ditched alcohol and how we got here by sharing our individual stories.

[00:00:26] Kelly: We'll show you that there isn't just one way to do this, no matter where you are on your journey from sober, curious to years in recovery and everyone in between, you are welcome here, no judgment and a ton of support.

[00:00:42] Tracey: Welcome to the LAF life podcast. Today is episode. 14 and we. We have a special guest on today. But please. Note the content. Went in this episode is explicit. she. We'll be giving us details. Of her traumatic journey. To sobriety and. And if you have the kiddos in the car you may want to save. save this episode for later but definitely tune I'm Back in as it's a very inspirational episode. Episode. Our guests. Guest today is an acquaintance of mine from high school. School and her name are Nicole Ross. We didn't know each other that well in high school, but we are getting to know each other a lot better right now. And she is on to tell us her story. Nicole has been sobering now for just over two years and she is a mother of 1 24-year-old daughter and a grandmother. To a two-and-a-half-year-old. Wow. Can't believe that. She is married to a lovely gentleman, and she is welcoming us with her presence today and her story about becoming alcohol free and her journey to sobriety. So, hi, Nicole. Welcome. 

[00:01:47] Nicole: Hello everybody. 

[00:01:49] Kelly: Hi Nicole, Nicole. 

[00:01:52] Tracey: Okay. Nicole, do you want to talk to us a little bit about how did you grow up with alcohol or without alcohol, where your journey with alcohol kind of began? 

[00:02:03] Nicole: Well, I'm some of the stories that I've listened to, my story is a little bit different. My dad was not the drinker in the house. My mom, my dad was the one driving us everywhere and doing everything and. My mom was the one drinking all the time. Absolutely. So that's where I can start from, I started drinking at the lovely age of 10. 

[00:02:23] Tracey: Wow.

[00:02:24] Lindsey: Alcohol. 

[00:02:25] Nicole: Oh, it was given to us. I came from a European family and my grandfather saw me at special occasions always wandering around the table. All the elders at our family functions after the kids were all after we were done eating and everything, all the elders would play Euchre. And I always wanted to sit and watch them play cards. And my grandfather always taught me like hovering around the alcohol he's like, oh, he's like, you want to check it out. So, he would start letting me smell it. He would teach me everything and anything about alcohol that I wanted to know. And I started drinking wine when I was 10 years old. And. So from that point on every family occasion, I was given wine. And just that it started there. 

[00:03:04] Lindsey: What's your background, culturally? 

[00:03:06] Nicole: My father's side is Irish. My mother's side is Ukrainian Polish. 

[00:03:11] Lindsey: That's my combo too.

[00:03:12] Nicole: And I'm a Heinz 57. So, I'm adopted, I'm kind of not what my parents are, but it's okay. I'm the youngest of three. My sister is seven years older than me, and my brother is about five and a half years older than me, and I was the first one drinking alcohol. I was the first one smoking cigarettes. Yeah. So, I kind of got away with whatever I wanted because I think my parents had already gone through it with my other, with my brother and my sister. 

[00:03:37] Tracey: Are they adopted as well? Nicole? 

[00:03:39] Nicole: My sister is my brother is my parent's natural born son. 

[00:03:42] Tracey: Okay. 

[00:03:43] Nicole: For me, it's always been kind of a, I guess, a special, big deal kind of thing. Cause I will get into a little bit more of that later, but yeah. My father worked for Imperial tobacco when I was younger. So, cigarettes were by the box load and part and load in our garage. So, 

[00:03:59] Lindsey: wow. 

[00:03:59] Nicole: Yep. So, there wasn't really a deterrent and back in the early eighties the way that I grew up, it was just like, yeah. That's why but my mother had everything from my father. My mom always knew everything that was going on, but my father had no idea. 

[00:04:15] Lindsey: Whoa, 

[00:04:16] Nicole: Because my mom drank and my sister. So, it was never seen as a big deal when I was at family functions and stuff, because my grandfather gave me wine that was okay. But over and above that I know listening to especially Tracey with your story, we went everywhere with my parents. 

[00:04:31] Tracey: Right. 

[00:04:32] Nicole: We were under. And so, there was always big parties and stuff. And especially with some of the family, friends that my parent’s had alcohol was sitting anywhere, everywhere there was access to it all the time. It was nothing that was hidden. It wasn't a big deal, I guess, to them or it to be compared to now. 

[00:04:48] Tracey: Yeah. And they probably once they got drinking enough themselves probably didn't even notice if you were drinking it. Right. Sadly. 

[00:04:56] Kelly: Hey Nicole When you see at 10, you liked it. Do you mean you liked the way it tasted, or you would like the way it felt like?

[00:05:04] Nicole: Well, I loved the wine. I loved the taste of wine. I love the smell of it. Absolutely everything. I guess, and that's why I said with listening to some of the other stories because my grandfather made it. So, he had it in the basement my grandparents had a kind of a retro basement.

[00:05:19] Nicole: My grandfather had built a pool table and a full bar and everything in his basement. So, the grandkids went down there. And because my sister was older and I have older cousins, they had access to the bar. So, if we wanted it, that's why for me, it just, it wasn't that big of a deal. I wasn't an alcoholic at 10, but by the time I was 14, absolutely. I was drinking alcohol every day. All the time I was drinking my girlfriends and I would drink on the way to school in the morning. 

[00:05:46] Lindsey: No way. Whoa. Wow. 

[00:05:49] Lindsey: So, when you said that your mom hid it from your dad, was that right? Like your mom would hide.

[00:05:56] Nicole: She knew I was drinking. She knew I was smoking and stuff. 

[00:05:59] Lindsey: But did your dad know that you were drinking and smoking? 

[00:06:01] Nicole: No. 

[00:06:02] Lindsey: No. Wow. 

[00:06:04] Tracey: That's what you meant by her was hiding it right for you? Yeah. Well, we all know that alcoholism and addiction in general comes with a lot of secrets. Right.

[00:06:14] Lindsey: For sure. 

[00:06:14] Tracey: So, yeah, I'm sure that was maybe just part of the cycle.

[00:06:18] Nicole: And I honestly don't think that my mom really cared that 

[00:06:21] Tracey: well, she had her own problem. Right. 

[00:06:23] Nicole: So that is yeah. Unfortunately. Yeah. That's just how it was for me. But yeah, come high school. That's why I said my girlfriend and I used to us used to bring, I guess, well, it's not even water bottles. I mean, water bottles now. So yeah, we used to have cups that we walked to school with every morning I got thermoses or so back in the late eighties and early nineties and we snuck alcohol out of our parents' bar and drank on the way to school. And usually by halfway through second period early as a first period, I was usually passed out on my desk.

[00:06:54] Tracey: Wow.

[00:06:55] Lindsey: Are you serious? That's wow. Would you be sent home from school or was like, did the teacher call your parents? No, I feel like you would just probably. You would probably smell like booze, drinking 

[00:07:07] Tracey: that's way nobody ever smelled it on you to,

[00:07:11] Nicole: We did pretty good with mixing it with pop and stuff like that. I know that one of our favorite things to drink was peppermint schnapps. Back then we snuck that into pretty much everything, especially when Shamrock shakes came out, then we just, 

[00:07:22] Lindsey: oh, my goodness. Yeah, 

[00:07:23] Nicole: we mixed it in there too. So 

[00:07:26] Tracey: My mom used to drink peach schnapps and my brother drank it and got so sick on it. He couldn't even smell it after that, but that would be the thing that would get stolen out of our liquor cabinet. Cause it was easy to drink 

[00:07:40] Nicole: peach schnapps, peppermint schnapps not white rum vodka, anything white that we could fill up with water after. Okay. I know that one of my best friends, she didn't drink, but she let us raid her father's liquor cabinet all the time. We did the age old, and I hate saying age, but it is filling the bottles up with water after we were done, seeing them, or getting them close to empty. and this continued up until grade 11 for me. 

[00:08:04] Lindsey: You kept passing your grade and you kept progressing.

[00:08:07] Lindsey: I was like, holy crap. 

[00:08:09] Nicole: I failed four credit, four credits in grade nine, four credits in grade 10. So, I had to say the extra fifth year just to make up all the credits, but, but by grade 11 and 12, I was on the honor roll. 

[00:08:21] Tracey: Wow. 

[00:08:23] Nicole: Oh, no, no, I just did it a little bit smarter. So, 

[00:08:28] Tracey: and you want to athletic in high school too, right? Nicole? 

[00:08:31] Nicole: Yes. sort of 

[00:08:33] Tracey: It's hard to imagine managing all that while drinking. Right. 

[00:08:38] Nicole: Okay. And that's where my story's a little bit different because I drank to deal with stuff that I was keeping hidden secrets in my life, so I drank to hide it all. I drank to not let people see how much I was really hurting because I, as outgoing as I seem I was kind of not that I consider any of this attractive still to this day. That's my own, my own demons and me. But I'm being told that, especially in high school that, oh, Nicole would be awesome in bed.

[00:09:10] Nicole: If you threw a paper bag over her head. Yep. I heard it over and over. Yeah. I heard it over and over and over again as my body because I'm six feet tall and I am not the smallest of frames in terms of, in terms of my lady parts. When I was 13, I looked like I was 18, 19, like my sister and her friends and stuff. So, and my sister's gonna be five too. So, I got hit on all the time by older men. And then that became just part of the reason why I drank even more. I was sexually abused from the time that I was 11 until I turned almost 15. And then I got raped three times while I was in high school. All because I was drunk at parties and. You had my own thing. And then I started having parties at my own house because my mom said as long as they brought beer for her anybody was welcome. Wow. Oh, 

[00:09:57] Nicole: that's why I drank some more was just for my own sanity. Pretty much. Yeah. And because my friends did it too, and I mean, we didn't just drink.

[00:10:05] Nicole: We smoked pot on our lunch hours to we snuck off to the malls or behind the plazas. And the majority of us smoked cigarettes too, so mixing it all in, but yeah teachers never said anything and a few of my teachers knew because I mean, because I smelled like it, and of course, because I wasn't my self pretty much, most of the time.

[00:10:24] Lindsey: Did you ever tell anybody at the time. That you were abused. Did you ever say anything to anybody, family, teachers, anybody that you were abused?

[00:10:34] Nicole: I was lying. It was my word against theirs. And

[00:10:37] Lindsey: it's going to say, and because you were drunk, do you find that it that's like your fault? Like it's on you, do you, do you find that that was how you felt?

[00:10:47] Nicole: I still do. I still do for some of it that's why I said Tracey and Kelly, because we went to the same high school my high school boyfriend went to a different high school and my high school boyfriend came to our high school. After one of the weekends that we had been out and doing stuff. And he cornered some young ladies. showed our, movie receipts and whole bunch of other stuff, because they had started a rumor that I was doing something completely different that weekend, because I had a notorious, story background for other things I had done. And he came to the school and kind of put them in their place.

[00:11:19] Nicole: And he was like, look this is where we were, and I tried a little laugh and he's like, can you please stop spreading rumors about my girlfriend? He's like, she's having a hard enough time. But that being said, I was also found naked stricken up and down a couple of streets and jumping into people's schools and in the middle of the night, all the guys whose parties that I was at. So, it was kind of, sometimes I could totally see that way. And then other times just and that's why because of. Just how it was perceived. So sometimes with the way that I was perceived, I just acted more. I acted out even more. So, I was like, hey, if people are already saying this stuff about me, 

[00:11:55] Lindsey: then fuck it. Right. 

[00:11:58] Nicole: Why not just do it more 

[00:12:00] Tracey: well and if your self esteem was low, sadly, you probably, did some of those things to just feel like you could fit in at times or whatever, right? Like everybody falls victim to that. And then, pile on the drinking with that and your inhibitions are low and, but it puts you in vulnerable positions too. Right? Sadly, like you said, you were in vulnerable positions and then bad things happened, which is terrible. 

[00:12:26] Lindsey: And then you're blamed for it almost like, I feel like that's kind of how it goes, oh, she was, she was too drunk. She was drunk. So, it's almost like it's okay. Like it's your fault or something. And it's not like, it is not okay. There's something wrong with those guys, it's never okay to do anything or take advantage of anybody regardless of how they're dressed or what state of mind they're in. That's crazy. Makes me angry.

[00:12:50] Nicole: I still remember one party that I went to and my best friend at the time a guy at the party was kind of like hitting on her and tickling, like tickling her and bugging her. And she had had enough, and she had pulled him basically to get lost and I had told him to leave her alone. about an hour later, I had gone upstairs and Nirvana's a team spirit cause I can't, I still, to this day I can't listen to the song and he cornered me in a bathroom and I still remember the song playing and I, and I, I apologize Mike, but I bit his junk so hard and I thought, you know, if I had left him alone and not at everything about him, bugging my friend I wouldn't have even have been in that situation. But this happened and my girlfriend and I were leaving that night and he was in the car with us going home. We got into a car accident, a block away from my house. We hit a tree. 

[00:13:43] Lindsey: Was the person driving intoxicated. 

[00:13:45] Nicole: I don't know for sure, because we were all in the car except this was back in 1990. Back then before cell phones my dad heard a crash and my dad came, as I said, it was literally a block away from my house. My dad came walking up and he's like, anybody need help, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, oh yeah, I'm like, can they come to the house? You know, and make sure everybody can get cleaned up and checked out. And this guy was being super, super nice to my dad and everything. And when I had to tell my parents years later about stuff going on with me, because they were kind of confused about some stuff and I decided to go to counselling, and I had to sit down with my parents and explained to my parents why I wanted to go to counseling. And my mom was like, oh, let me guess you're pregnant. I was like, no mom, actually. I still remember my dad picked up a baseball bat and he's like, let me go find them. None of, you know, the whole, the hero dads, the persona, and I told him, I'm like, dad to me, I remember the night of corrections and sure enough. yeah. I'm like, remember the guy that came to the house to use the phone. And my dad was just like, he's like, let me go find them right now. And I'm like, dad, no, dad. Just let me go to counseling and it'll be okay. But it was the hardest thing that I had ever had to do when I was 17 years old was to call my parents, hey, no, I'm not pregnant, but this guy took advantage of we at a party. I'm going to counseling.

[00:15:09] Tracey: You went to counseling. How old were you. 

[00:15:11] Nicole: 17. 

[00:15:13] Tracey: So, did you tell the counselor about the other abuse? Yep. Was that who you told? 

[00:15:19] Nicole: So, oh no. I had told my grade five teacher, I had told my grade eight teacher, I had told by one of my teachers in grade nine. I had, I, yeah, it was, I had told anybody in anyone I could, and my friend knew 

[00:15:31] Tracey: wow but your parents didn't know.

[00:15:34] Nicole: No, not until then. They had known that I was abused when I was younger. Yes. When I was, when I was when I was younger, my parents knew. But then at that time it was. He said, she said, 

[00:15:44] Tracey: okay, 

[00:15:45] Nicole: so, the young man's parents vowed for him and everything and said, oh, your daughter's lying. So of course, I was. That's just how that went for me. But I have addictive tendencies, not just with alcohol and pot and, but with many things, I just have that kind of tendency. So, for me, I always thought I can start this and stop this whenever I want to. 

[00:16:07] Tracey: Right. 

[00:16:08] Nicole: And I have because like you said, I'm a mother too. She's going to be 24 in a couple of weeks. I had stopped drinking the entire time I was pregnant with her. I had found out I was pregnant with her. I was not even five weeks pregnant when I found out I was pregnant, and I stopped drinking right away. And I think smoking, I did all of it up until after she was born.

[00:16:27] Nicole: And I was literally sniffing, ashtrays close to the end of my pregnancy and. Just after she was born. And I swore that I would never go back to smoking a cigarette or anything, but of course I did and I was drinking wine by the time she was three months old, I had to pick up we had gone to a family functions again, and I had picked up wine again and started drinking and my daughter's father extremely, extremely toxic. And we fought all the time. Not just verbally, but physically. All underneath me, I have tattoos all over my body to hide scars that I've never wanted people to see. And my daughter will never refer to her father as her father. I left him when she was just over a year. He went to jail. The police had come to our apartment for the. And they said the Nicole it's your choice, but you know, this is the third time we've been here do you want us to take them? And I was like, yeah, go ahead. He's all yours. Like, I'm done. But we were never sober. We were never sober together we were together for almost five years, and we were never sober. My daughter still asks me now how I even ended up with him. And I told her, I'm like all the drugs and alcohol. I said, I used to make them in the backseat of my car. Cause I didn't even want people to know that we were associated with each other. I was so embarrassed by him, and my father told me that I could have his child, but I could never marry him. He said over his dead body, and he asked my family if he could marry me. And my father said, absolutely not. God never 

[00:17:51] Kelly: did they know that you were being abused? 

[00:17:53] Nicole: Yeah, his parents, his family knew as well. 

[00:17:57] Mike: No one did anything. 

[00:17:58] Nicole: No. 

[00:17:59] Mike: Well, like no one stepped up and said, this has got to stop before it gets worse. 

[00:18:04] Nicole: His, his parents had been to our apartment a couple of times. He had; he had gotten so angry with me. We had friends over one time, and he used to, and he wasn't a big guy. He was like frame wise, but he has the highest level of ADHD that you can have. And he would get so angry. He would do. We used to call it the Hulk Hogan. He would rip his shirt right into when he would get so angry. And he did this we had friends over for dinner and he got so angry with me. We had mirrored closet doors and he smashed. Into all of them going down the hall and he took his shirt, and he did one of these, Hulk Hogan things and tore his shirt. our friends were like, freaking out, like, you know, what the hell, Nicole, what the hell? You know, what the fuck is this? But I was like, yeah, I'm like, and so they left, and I called his mom, and his mom came over and she sat with him on our balcony of our apartment for the rest of the night. And she was like, oh, don't worry about it. No, he's done this kind of stuff before. And I was kinda like are you sure? Like we have a baby on the way, this is not okay with me. This was not cool. Yeah. Like to 

[00:19:04] Lindsey: manage, right. Like, it's almost like you're probably trying to hide how bad things are and manage it. And you're being abused. You probably have bruises and all kinds of stuff. it's almost like people around, you can sort of put the pieces together, but no, one's really stepping up to be like, this is not okay. Like, so you must feel stuck. 

[00:19:24] Nicole: We both worked at I can, I guess I'm assuming I can see the energy nightclub, because it's no longer, and I used to work the door and the coat check, and he was in the DJ booth the majority of the time. And he got paid in drinks, tickets and I was always asking, where our money was in this kind of stuff. And people were just like, Nicole, you're bigger than him and, so I was like, this has been bigger than him. Like really, like, you know, like this kind of stuff happens. But I remember one time we got to one of our bigger fights and he went to put his hands on me. And I b And so he leaned in and bit my nose and I had teeth marks and bruising all around my nose. I had to go to work the next day because I was working three jobs. I worked from seven in the morning till three in the morning, six days a week. And I had to go to work the next morning. And my coworkers were like, what happened to your nose? It was like, he didn't need, you know, like joking. Ha ha funny. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Like how do you explain teeth marks around your nose when you go to work? But yeah, that's nobody's kind of I guess two, I was blamed because I stayed, I was with him. 

[00:20:37] Lindsey: Okay. So, tell us then how, cause you're not with him today, right? No. So what happens that led to your split? Or how did you get, how did you get away from this toxic?

[00:20:52] Nicole: The last time that the police came to our apartment and said, you want us to take them? And I said, oh, I was in a Molly maid car working for Molly maid at the time I had locked myself in the car and this was in our apartment complex. And he came storming out of the apartment, holding our daughter at the time in his arms. And he started punching the glass of the driver's side door, where I was sitting. And neighbors called the police. And this is why I said this was the third time that the cops came to our place. And they're like, Nicole, seriously, and he had nothing on, but a pair of shorts and they took him away and I was like, bye. Yeah, sorry. And my daughter was screaming because she was only, that was in 2000. She was born in 1998. So, she wasn't even two yet. And she was screaming at the top of her lungs, and I said, go ahead and take them. And she knows now everything, because she has a half sister and a half brother because he's married to somebody else. And my daughter also has ADHD like him. So, my daughter has had a wonderful childhood. And because he had visitation the courts ruled. And because he made me absolutely livid on the stand that they're like, well, we can sort of see how the two communicated and got along and so they're like, again, he said, she said, no, you said these things happen. He can say, no, they didn't. They kind of happened this way. The two of you were intoxicated all the time. And so, he got to see her through his parents every other weekend. 

[00:22:16] Tracey: I was going to ask if he had a relationship with her. So, he did maintain a relationship with her. 

[00:22:22] Nicole: Her and I talk about this quite frequently. Now that she's an adult, she doesn't remember spending any time with him when she was little and any of the pictures and stuff that she has or of her with him. There's nothing of him and her and if she refers to it and we still refer to it as the trophy daughter, he pulls her out of the closet, shows her off and then puts her back. And then she's, oh, she's with her mom and whatever. that's kind of what she, what she's been and has been to him pretty much for her entire life. And she, that's what I said. She's aware. She knows now she doesn't blame me for any of it. She gets it because he started abusing her when she was 11. He still tells her how beautiful that she is now it's too bad that she looks like me, but she doesn't wear any clothing around him that he can see any of the, anything of her because of the stuff that he has said to her over the years. 

[00:23:13] Kelly: How old was she when she told you all this? 

[00:23:16] Nicole: This was my daughter has had it, I guess, a little bit rougher than I have had. My daughter has been arrested five times and she's been to rehab three times. So, in her, since in rehab, she's had to tell me things that, and she had to journal stuff that she didn't ever want to tell me. Right. 

[00:23:34] Lindsey: Did you read those journals? Did she share with you what was in those journals, or did you get to see them? Yeah. 

[00:23:41] Nicole: There was twice when she was arrested that we were on television and I had people call me up and tell me we were completely covered but I've had people call me and they're like, Nicole, I guess when I saw your jeans on TV and I was like, yep, that would be guilty. Like Tracey said, because, because I was tall and people, there's certain things about me that people recognize. And so that's why, when she was so little, I tried to get her away from him, permanently. I didn't want him to ever have visitation. I didn't want him to ever be able to be anywhere near her, but I never thought that he would do things to her that he tried to do to me. And then neighbors of theirs would tell me that they could hear her screaming and I'm like, so why does nobody do anything? Like, I don't understand, 

[00:24:28] Lindsey: like it just gets repeated. 

[00:24:31] Tracey: They don't take custody from dads that easily anymore. So, it is hard. It's hard unless you have proof. And if she wasn't telling you where you didn't know, it's very hard to fight for that, unless you have some sort of grounds to go on and I'm sure it was hard for you anyways, when you were on your own, because I'm going to guess that you were raising her mostly as a single mom when you had her.

[00:24:56] Nicole: Yup. Yeah. But I had re I had relationships with people, but because I didn't have her every other weekend, I was able to party on those weekends when I didn't have her. I didn't drink when I worked during the week. I'm a certified PSW. I'm a personal support worker. I only drank on the weekends when I didn't have her, but then I would be comatose, like blackout, blackout, drunk on the weekends, but I didn't have her.

[00:25:20] Kelly: Right. 

[00:25:21] Tracey: Yeah. 

[00:25:21] Nicole: Partying and doing everything I could in the two or three days when I didn't have her with me, because when I was making up for all the rest of the time, when she was with me, 

[00:25:30] Mike: he's making up for the rest of the time. is that really what you think it was? Or do you think it was, you were really hurting inside, and you were burying things that you just continue to of. If I can put, put layers on it, right? You went to counseling, as you said, as a teenager. And one of my questions was going to be, did you ever continue counseling at a certain point in your life after let's be honest, you've been through a lot of trauma and so as your daughter, so I wondered if that's something that you've either continued on with, especially being a PSW, because in some sort of way, your line of work is counseling and nature by all means albeit in different avenues, 

[00:26:06] Nicole: I've never, I've never stopped good. I've been in counseling pretty much my entire life since I was 18, 18 for absolute, I've never stopped counseling in different. I have, I have family counseling. I have parental counseling. I also have counseling for the line of work that my daughter is in now. And I was going to NA for the longest time as well. Not just because of being an alcoholic as well as the amount of pot that I smoked so, yeah, I have always kept counseling going for me.

[00:26:38] Mike: So, do you think your counseling has helped you in any way help some of your clients or some of your patients in your experience as well? I mean like you can, kind of help somebody. 

[00:26:48] Nicole: I can relate. Yeah. I have the utmost patients anyone, and I think that's part of the reason why I think my family still calls me. I'm a sucker for a sob story. I am in a true empath, deep, deep, deep down. I hurt more when strangers are hurting than I do when people close to me are hurting. And yeah, I just I haven't been a practicing PSW for since just before the pandemic, just because there was no way I couldn't put myself into that situation or my family. My father was very, very sick before the pandemic with nothing to do with the pandemic. But I took some time to be with.

[00:27:28] Mike: Do you think that your empathetic side of your, nature is in any way connected to your being adopted? And the reason I say that is because I'm adopted as well. And I feel, yeah, like, I definitely feel you that when someone gives you that attention or that time wants to share some really deep heart story, and you're giving them the one-on-one time, you literally, at least in my experience, you put yourself in their shoes and you really turn your ears on. So, what do you think? 

[00:27:57] Nicole: I have spent my whole life trying to figure out how come I'm not like everybody else in my family. And I. Search for the good in everyone. And I think that's why I sit and listen, and I take the time to listen to anybody that will share any kind of story. And I've taken homeless people into my home. I have given the people that sleep in the park here across the street from my house, I've brought them over food and clothing and blankets. I will always help anybody because I know everybody has their own hardships and I use people need a little bit more. 

[00:28:33] Lindsey: That's actually so amazing 

[00:28:35] Mike: and some tough spots. I think those experiences definitely help build your character to who you are to this day. And I've just met you and, it's, it's quite a story. And honestly, I I'm, I never on a, I don't mean to be, it isn't a humorous nature when I laugh it's I never would have thought that this story was going to come out 45 minutes ago. So, thank you so far for sharing what you've shared. It's yeah, 

[00:28:58] Nicole: I just realized how much I like, and I've like, I barely touched on like, 

[00:29:04] Kelly: it's important. It's very important, but yeah. Tell us, what led you to give it up 

[00:29:09] Nicole: to get sober? 

[00:29:10] Kelly: Yeah, 

[00:29:11] Nicole: honestly, my family my daughter, and now my granddaughter, especially my granddaughter was born in November of 2019. Wow. And I have been sober today for a hundred and 43 days, please. Excuse me. I stopped drinking on December 27th, 2019. And I said, I never wanted my granddaughter to see me in the shape or condition that I've seen my mother, my sister, or anyone else around me in, and I don't ever want her not to be able to call me or hang out with me or be with me because I'm not in the right frame of mind. I wasn't able to give that to my daughter. And I wasn't able to give that to a lot of the people in my past, but if I can do it for anybody, I will do it for my granddaughter now. Cause I don't want her to see me as anything. Weirdo. I'm crazy. I'm out there. And I like people to see me now. This is when I constantly tell people. I'm like, yeah. When you see me acting totally bizarro? Yeah. This is me. There's nothing going on in the system other than caffeine 

[00:30:20] Lindsey: noon hour and it's water. And that's it like, this is embraced that your unique, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, honestly, 

[00:30:30] Nicole: but it's taken me a hell of a ride to get here.

[00:30:33] Kelly: And why did you do so tell us, you know, like I know you go to counseling that, did you go to meetings? Did you, did you go to rehab? I know your daughter went to rehab. 

[00:30:42] Nicole: Nope. I stopped. I have been cutting things out of my life that are toxic and not good for me for the last five or six. People as well, cut people off any, and all of my social media that if they don't serve me in any positive form, I'm sorry, I don't need you anymore. And I've had people yell at me and say, well, like, well too bad. Sorry, I'm growing. I'm changing if you're not a part of this. And this is where my family and I are having problems now because my sister doesn't understand why I don't drink. I don't smoke. Why, why I don't eat red meat anymore. 

[00:31:22] Lindsey: They don't need to understand. 

[00:31:23] Nicole: To her. I'm a Prada because I'm so far in, why are you doing all this stuff? Yeah. And Mike, I will share one quick thing with you. I found. My biological family four years ago. I am, did you do that? How'd you find them? because of because of all the crap that my daughter and I had been going through CAS was involved in our lives. I have been writing letters since I was 18 years old. You find, find out information when my daughter was involved with the CAS when she was in, when she was 16. Some of it was because of her father cause some of the stuff because of her rehab had come out. I begged her CAS worker to look into my not identifying information at first. And then to like to find anything I said, listen, I said, please you work for the same association. Can you look and see if you can find anything about me? I said, because I'm adopted her biological, fathers adopted. We have no information to tell her anything. I need something for her. And three years 

[00:32:23] Mike: ago 

[00:32:25] Nicole: yes. that, and I wanted to find out any, anything I possibly could 

[00:32:30] Mike: for sure.

[00:32:31] Nicole: And she came back to my house two weeks later with a, a folder this big and everything was there. All black, black marker notes. And four years ago, I did my 23 and me. Oh yes. And I had a half sister reach out to me and I have found out in the last four years, I'm the oldest of eight. And I am the only one that was given up. I have two twin brothers we have the same mother and the same father. And I have a half-brother that lives in Phoenix, Arizona, you have the same father different. Apparently, our father was a roadie for employed. He was a sound guy and a roadie for pink Floyd.

[00:33:15] Nicole: So, we are slowly finding more and more relatives and more and more relatives because back in the sixties and seventies my biological mother is a druggie. She is an alcoholic. She thanks that all this kind of behavior is totally fine. We've spoken a few times and that's it. My other siblings other than one half sister and my half brother in Arizona, don't want to have anything to do with me whatsoever because. According to them. I've had a much better life than they had living with her.

[00:33:44] Nicole: And that's why I wanted to share that with you, Mike, because I know listening to your story and because my sister is adopted and my sister has never wanted my sister doesn't think that she's good enough to ever be told anything as to why or how she ended up with my parents. 

[00:33:58] Mike: Yeah, it's definitely well, it's been interesting for sure. I can definitely relate in some ways to you. I mean, everybody's got their own story, of course. And I honestly can't even remember all the details of what I shared, but obviously I shared enough that you had a general insight as to what my background was, but. Hey, thanks for sharing that because, one thing I can say is I'm not shocked, but I'm shocked. And I don't know if the right word is shocked, but there are a lot of people I know that are adopted and I had no bloody clue. Cause when you're growing up, you don't really go to a party or whatnot and say, hey, I'm adopted blah, blah, blah, blah. Brought up. Right. Like, oh yeah. Like, and some people, they're not ashamed of it. I don't think, but you just don't bring it up because they have that good. whatever you want to call it, great upbringing in that loving, traditional family environment, So, yeah. Interesting. I too did something like that with the, I don't know if it was what you call 23 and is that 23 and me, I don't know what it was. I think it was ancestry.ca. 

[00:35:03] Tracey: Can you explain what 23 and me is sorry, Mike Nicole said that, and now you've said it just for people. I don't know what that is, people don't. 

[00:35:13] Mike: So, for me, it was a saliva test. Nicole is that, and you submit your sample, and you send it off and then you get an email or something. And then it's like, WTF, what is going on? And I remember when I got my info, I was like 

[00:35:28] Lindsey: does it tell you? 

[00:35:29] Mike: For me, what it was is a cousin wanting to do a family tree. She reached out and said, hey, can you do this? Help me for the family tree? And I was like, well, I'm not blood, so why would I do it? She's like, well, your family and blah, blah, blah, blah. That's denial. And I did. And she calls and says, holy hell, you're never going to believe what I found out. Biological mother, biological father information, but more mother. And it was just ding, ding, ding, like aunts and cousins connected to the biological side. My analogy. And I don't know if the Nicole the way I can look at it as the whole chart is like all these lines and brackets connecting people to people and right. Does that seem right, Nicole? 

[00:36:12] Nicole: Well, that, and because it was my half sister that reached out to me, right after I did it, I had, it hadn't even been two months since I had sent it in. And all of a sudden, I got this huge three-page. And I was like 

[00:36:25] Mike: in the mail, 

[00:36:26] Nicole: email, internet, and yeah. She was like, I'm your half sister. You can re reach out to me anytime you want. She's two she's three, three years younger than yeah. Three years younger than me. And so, she was the one who told me everything and she started sending me pictures and I have a picture of my biological mother and I was gonna say the way I'm wearing my hair right now. My biological mother and I look very, very similar except for I'm a giant. So yeah, but exactly, like you said, because for me, my mother is five to I know what clarify my mother, the mother that I've lived with my entire life is five, two. My sister is five foot three. My brother is five nine. And me. God bless his soul. When he was on this planet was 5, 5, 9, 5, 10, somewhere in there. So, for me, yeah, by the time I was 12, I was just shy of six feet tall. I was always looking at my family going, hey, milk, milk, man's daughter, something, somebody needs to tell me something. 

[00:37:27] Tracey: How old were you when you found out you were adopted Nicole? 

[00:37:30] Nicole: I was five. My parents tell me all the time that they told me once when I was five. And then I remember again, when I was 10, we were driving back from Florida and my brother was bugging me and my sister in the car. And I still remember because I ended up punching my brother in the face. Cause he's like, wow. He goes, it doesn't matter to you. Cause you're adopted. And I punched him in the face because I thought he was lying. I'm like, I'm sorry. I was, you know, I was like, what? I'm like get lost. And my sister's like, yeah, no. My dad stopped the car. They both turned around. They're like. You and your sister are adopted and then they sat and explained it all to us again. And I was like, oh, okay, well awesome.

[00:38:04] Nicole: Like, you know, it was just, but because again, when I was 12 you forget, there's things that you forget and especially because I was drinking all the time so yeah. We have adopted and adapted. 

[00:38:16] Tracey: Well, you had mentioned there was a lot of things that you forgot. Maybe just to go back to when you decided to get sober to Nicole, you had told me that you had a health issue as well, right before you became sober.

[00:38:30] Nicole: Yep. I was diagnosed in 2001 with epilepsy and I still drank and still smoke pot and stuff, but I spent even the year that the year that I met my husband, I was. Him and I met out socially and the only reason why I started talking to him just because I thought he was cute, and we were the only two people at the party drinking pop 

[00:38:49] Tracey: oh, wow. 

[00:38:50] Nicole: Yeah. No. Yeah. Finding healthier ways to get off medication and to control my seizures and my panic attacks and my night terrors and Mike, I guess fellow I PTSD for sure. And all that kind of stuff with natural ways instead of medication and getting sober was another thing, because I had spent a couple of days with my granddaughter when she was very, very small and I didn't have the energy to pick her up or do things with her. And I mean, she had just been born and I decided I couldn't do. Because my daughter had gone out and gotten absolutely hammered. And I was like, she's a month old. and I had to stay sober, and I was like, you know what, that's it, I'm going to stay sober from this point onwards because of my health and her safety and everybody around me, I didn't want to do it anymore. My mother and I had gotten into a monstrous fight that Christmas and my father, I miss my father every day. Still because I told you my father was never a drinker. So, me and my dad being sober at Christmas with my family and my mother and I getting into this huge. And I just, I can't do this. I need to stay sober because every time I turned around and my sister and my mother were telling me things from my past that I was lying about. I'm like, no, I'm not lying. You’re lying. What I'm remembering is true. And I asked my brother, and I asked my father because my brother and my father were always sober. And my brother said, you're telling the truth. And I said, I need to say stay sober because the stuff that I'm remembering and the stories that I want to tell from this point onwards need to be no, I'm telling the truth. You're lying because I don't drink anymore. 

[00:40:27] Nicole: Yeah. When you met your husband, Nicole, you said you were sober why were you sober at that point?

[00:40:32] Nicole: I didn't think I would ever find anybody in my life. I was learning to love myself again in 2008 and because of the stuff that my daughter was going through. I just didn't think that I would ever meet anybody. I joked around with my mom all the time and with my girlfriends I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. And literally three weeks later I met my husband, and I went, oh no, no, I never dated a guy ever in my life shorter than me. And I was like, no, I really like, and I'm like me., we have all these things in common and I'm like, no, I remember calling my brother and I was like, I met this guy and dah, dah, dah. I'm like any shorter than me. What the hell am I supposed to do? It's a huge thing for me because yeah, I always wanted that story of, you know, leading up and kissing the dude. So, but no, no, I'm fortunate that I, I don't wear heels. I've never worn heels, but I'm still taller, but yeah. I had decided to be sober that year because I told you, I've always done it that way. As much as I enjoyed being hammered, I could go weeks and months and just stop, but then I would start right back up again because of, for social reasons and also to bury stress and bury feeling, I would just start drinking again. And so, when I met my husband, yeah, I happened to be sober that week, that, that month. 

[00:41:52] Tracey: So, I, and he started drinking again after that, obviously. Yeah,

[00:41:58] Nicole: Because he didn't, he was sober and then he was. Being, being in a rock band, I guess sometimes it's kinda hard on people and him just, yeah, he needs it more than I do. Him and I actually haven't I got into a huge fight last night about it because I prefer it when he's sobered too. especially now I'm going nuts. I can't damn him for not getting sober because I am, I'm still balancing that because more and more of the people that I choose to spend my days with now are sober. Him and I are in a poker league, and we play poker every Wednesday night. We have for, since we met, that's how we met, was playing poker. I watched the guys that we play poker with down eight or nine beers in four hours at poker. And I'm like, but you're all driving, like ID.

[00:42:39] Nicole: For me, because I've never been a beer drinker, so yeah, I just, yeah. Mike, you and, your bar buddies well, 

[00:42:45] Mike: I'm right. Her girl, I, hey, that was me. That was me. 

[00:42:48] Nicole: Because I don't enjoy beer. I don't get it, but I do. I watch how many beers they order and I'm just like, you guys are all driving. I don't get it. I don't understand. 

[00:42:57] Mike: What I found was the older I got and I kind of cognizant of the guys I associated with, we became more aware of the drinking and driving. I know that in my last say six, seven years I took Uber's and Cabs way, way, way, way, way more than I ever did. Because I had a situation arise where I was caught, but nothing ever happened from arresting or anything like that. I got a suspension and that was the wake-up moment, but I know what you mean though, about, hey, you just had like six beers and you're not even batting an eye and you're going right. You're doing, and people saying, well, you shouldn't let these people drive. And it's like, you're right. And I feel for the servers and stuff too because they can't, a server takes this license. I don't remember the right term for it. And they got like 5, 6, 8 table, however many tables. How the hell am I supposed to keep tabs on? Okay, well who's leaving and okay, wait, you had four beers. And I just think that it's, we’re going to put the onus on ourselves. Absolutely. It happened far too frequently. Let's be honest. 

[00:44:06] Tracey: We're all adults. You can't control everybody else's behavior.

[00:44:09] Mike: No, no, no. But you also have to look at it from the standpoint of, your actions can hurt an innocent bystander. If you don't give a shit about yourself, think about somebody else. I'm curious over the last, obviously two years with the everything being basically shut down for the most part, I'm curious to know that of all the people that drink. There's going to have to be some stats at a certain point in time of the restaurant and their numbers. There are their liquor sales numbers, I think will be way down because people are more like realizing, well, hell I saved a shitload of money by drinking at home. It's cheaper. So. Yeah. Is that the positive in this? Is there a positive and all of that? I don't know, but it'll be interesting to see. 

[00:44:51] Tracey: So, Nicole, why don't you tell us since you've been sober, some of the things that you're doing for yourself to stay sober 

[00:44:58] Nicole: I battle every day to work it. But my saving grace has been water. I have a bottle of water in my door, in my car, in my cup holder, in my car. I have a kettle sitting here beside me right now that if I'm at home is going all day long, I've burnt out for kettles in the last three years. Yeah, I know. And that's why I said I literally, I don't drink caffeine after noon, like 12 o'clock so it's all herbal tea. I was using pot when I had first become sober or stopped drinking. I was using pot to replace it, but I I've always been a pot smoker, but edibles became a lot more fun and because I can hide them. Nobody smells it, that kind of stuff. but I've cut that out too. 

[00:45:47] Mike: How long for that? 

[00:45:48] Nicole: How long have I not been? 

[00:45:49] Mike: Yeah. How long have you consumed marijuana?

[00:45:52] Nicole: it's been over a year now. Yeah. That's why I said I've been slowly over the last couple of years. I've been cutting anything out. I miss it sometimes, but I really don't. and I used meditation. I do a lot of Pilates. I do a lot of gardening. I spend a lot of time like this. I go for long walks with friends that I never used to. And I spend as much as my sober time as I possibly can with my granddaughter. She's actually out there. Cause my daughter is away this week right now for work. She's out in the living room. I soak up as much of my sober time as I possibly can with her. And that's cause I don't want to wake up one day and forget where I put things or what I did the day before, because I have too many days of my life missing that I can't remember what I did and I've had people have to tell me, they're like, oh, don't you remember going to this concert? And I'm like, I'm sorry. When was that? What year was that? I don't remember whatsoever. I don't remember going, I don't remember anything about being there and I don't want to have any more of those days. I want my clear present mind to know, hey, what's happening today? What's happening in an hour from now. What am I doing? Yeah. So that when I'm old and you know that, you know, then I can use that. Excuse that. Oh yeah. That's I can't remember now, but when I'm 92, so yeah, 

[00:47:10] Kelly: those are amazing. You've picked up some really healthy habits and yeah. 

[00:47:15] Tracey: Well, spending time with your granddaughter is a great motivation seeing is that's why you decided to become sober in the first place. So, she can be a constant reminder of why you're keep going. 

[00:47:26] Mike: Sure. 

[00:47:27] Nicole: I have crazy. And I fight to keep that. And I always have, that's why I said I've always been able to pick up things and drop them and, I have been able to stay sober before, I have, and she is absolutely 100% my reason for staying sober 

[00:47:43] Tracey: yeah, I'm sure you feel a lot better since you've been sober. 

[00:47:47] Nicole: Absolutely. I'm off all my medications. Oh, nice. Nice. My doctor and I have talked about it because I know the withdrawal from my medications, I think was worse than my withdrawal from alcohol. 

[00:47:58] Tracey: Yeah. 

[00:47:59] Mike: Yeah. I'm sure. 

[00:48:02] Nicole: I'm also 50 pounds heavier because I'm not on any of my medication anymore, but I'll take it. 

[00:48:06] Mike: Yeah, but you love yourself, you love yourself at a point where you've never really, I'm not speaking for you. Just, you know, you probably love yourself more than you ever have in your entire life. I'd be safe to say that. True. 

[00:48:18] Nicole: Yes. And because I don't lie for anybody anymore and I'm not lying for myself. Like I used to, I was constantly having to make up stories for myself to cover up my actions or my behavior or the reasons why I was doing something because of something that had been done to me. And I don't have to do that anymore. And I have no reason. Yeah. I don't have that. Yeah. I don't have that anymore. I have anxieties. I have fears, but this is. And anything that people ask me, of course I don't have to tell them anything, but I don't have to lie about it. And same as with my daughter, I don't lie about it anymore. It's all out there now and I don't lie about it. 

[00:49:00] Tracey: What would you tell people, Nicole then in saying that that were maybe trying to get sober were struggling or had suffered from some trauma themselves 

[00:49:10] Nicole: that it's better to be here and present and working your way through it than it is to be buried in a bottle and crying about it for days? that's something that my tears don't last as long as they used to and denying it and denying it and putting it off is not going to get you in. That's why I said for me, it's always been because you, there's a reason. And I hate using the terminology that there's always a light at the end of the path, but there is absolutely. And this is because I didn't, that's what I said. I have, I have little notes here, but yeah. I, I am missing so many gaps of my life that I think that's more important for anybody to hang into and I don't miss the blackouts and I don't miss the waking up at somebody else's house and trying to figure out how the hell did I get here, right?

[00:49:57] Tracey: Yeah, yeah. Having a clear mind and a clear head, especially first thing, when you wake up in the morning is a much 

[00:50:04] Nicole: better.

[00:50:07] Tracey: That's good. And you know what. Who cares about the 50 pounds, but that's something you can chip away at too? If it bothers you, there's lots of things you can do about that. And you're making healthy choices and that's all that matters. Really. 

[00:50:20] Mike: You're headed. You get your mind 

[00:50:23] Nicole: and I would rather have that over anything else. And I'm saving myself a hell of a lot of money too. I'm super, super crazy cheap. And that's, that's one of the things I spend more money on food than I do anything else now. We had a liquor cabinet about the same size as the cabinet behind Tracey's head. Okay. I got rid of it. I asked my husband, I'm like, I'm sorry, but because he drinks beer and scotch periodically, like, you can keep your beer wherever you want to somewhere else in the house. All of our bottles of wine and all of my bottles of liquor I had been giving away to people I'm like, take it to your house. I don't want it. I don't need it. And people are like, Nicole, you have like hundreds of dollars. I'm like, yeah, I don't care. It's already been spent. It's already gone take it, get it out of the house. And we even got rid of the cabinet itself is no longer in my house either. That was like, we have no use for it. And people are like, well, just because you don't drink it doesn't mean other people. And I'm like, I don't care. I don't want the glasses in my house. I got rid of all of our wine glasses, all of our shot glasses, absolutely everything. I said, get it out of my house. I don't want any of it here anymore. I don't want the access. If people want to drink, they can go elsewhere and drink because you're not going to come to my house to do. Not alcoholic. 

[00:51:34] Lindsey: I love that.

[00:51:35] Tracey: Yeah. You got to, it's almost like a, well, your space. 

[00:51:38] Lindsey: It is it is a cleansing. It's almost like the death of the old version of you, and you are reborn and anything that reminds you of the past or whatever, just get it out. Like, yeah. It's a cleanse for sure. 

[00:51:52] Nicole: I think because I started drinking so young., I haven't had that many sober years in my life. Right. I'm 40, I'm 47. I started drinking when I was 10. Yeah. Yeah. So, the last two years of my life, I'm, that's, you know, back of the number of years that I've spent actually full on. And that was only because I was child, and I wasn't drinking, and I was too. That's the only reason why. 

[00:52:18] Lindsey: Wow. What a powerful story. 

[00:52:21] Kelly: Amazing young, healthy grandma. It's going to be around and present for a long time. That's amazing. 

[00:52:31] Tracey: Yeah. Cause you're a super young grandma too. So, you got a lot of, a lot of years to spend with 

[00:52:37] Tracey: your granddaughter 

[00:52:38] Tracey: looking 

[00:52:39] Lindsey: at her hair. It's pretty good. Yeah.

[00:52:44] Lindsey: Feel like you've broken the cycle too, you're the one who's, making a different path for your granddaughter, starting with you. So, I just want to say you should be super proud of yourself. It's very inspirational. So 

[00:53:01] Mike: you're 

[00:53:01] Lindsey: helping your daughter for really good for you.

[00:53:04] Tracey: You're showing them both. You can break this, break a cycle. 

[00:53:08] Nicole: If anything, and that's the part of the reason why, and that's why I said I kind of rushed through my story, I don't want any girl to ever wake up anywhere where she doesn't want to want to be. That's my biggest reason for people to stay sober is just for that, because there are years of my life that I can't get back, but if I can give them to anybody else and if I can give them to my granddaughter to teach her that just because your friends. Or somebody says to do this, it doesn't mean you have to. All I have is nieces. And even my nieces I've told him, I'm like, you know what, when you're at a party, I'm like, just tell people, no, thanks. I'm good. They don't have to question why you're doing it or why you're not doing it. If you just say, no, I'm good. They don't know if you're already drunk or if you're already high, they'll leave you alone.

[00:53:56] Nicole: Just say, no, I'm good. I said, if somebody had told me that when I was younger, I'm like, I probably would've stayed sober. My nieces now three of them are old enough to be drinking and stuff. And they said that they can see the difference in me from because they're all adults. Now. They can see the difference in me in terms of my behavior from family functions and stuff, and even at my own wedding. So, I embarrassed myself completely own wedding. Because I always drank before anybody ever saw me drinking. I was always hyping half in the bag, if not more half in the bag before I started socializing with anybody. Wow. So, nobody saw how much, and that's even my family was like, Nicole, but you never really drank that much. I'm like in front of you always hit it. And I think that's part of the way because my mom always had it from my dad, oh, my drinking and my sister's drinking. So, it became a thing for me to hide it. It just became, I hit it in every single beverage I possibly could hide it in. 

[00:54:55] Tracey: Well, that's a very powerful reason for you to share your story, Nicole. So, I think that a lot of people are getting. Resonate with things you said, especially stuff that you went through in high school, because a lot of people go through that stuff at that time in their life, and nobody ever talks about it. No. So you're very brave and strong for coming on here and telling your story and talking about that. And that's going to touch a lot of people that have been through similar things. we really appreciate you coming on and being so open and vulnerable and honest. And it's just amazing how far you brought yourself. So, remember that, make sure that you're loving yourself and giving yourself credit for that every day. 

[00:55:39] Nicole: Thank you.

[00:55:40] Nicole: That's what your stories. I told Tracy too, I'm going to be. Reaching out to, I have a bunch of sober friends that don't have any kind of outlet anymore, really. And some of them have been sober for quite a long time. And I would love for them to talk to you guys and listen to your podcast. So, I'm going to share yeah, I guess they were kind of got worse kind of scattered all over. Oh my gosh. In Canada. So, yeah. And connect in the, in the Facebook community as well. We'd love to have some good discussions in there.

[00:56:13] Tracey: Yeah, please do. So, if anybody wants to reach out to us, please look us up on Facebook or on Instagram @LAF life podcast, you can join our community on Facebook or follow us on Instagram. And we are happy to have guests and people on to share their stories so we can reach more people. And we know that everybody sharing their story is a gift to us and it resonates with everybody else out there that might be struggling and going through similar things. So, thank you again so much, Nicole, for coming on. It's been a pleasure getting to know you better and thanks for sharing with us. 

[00:56:57] Tracey: Okay. Well, thanks everybody. And good night. 

[00:57:01] Kelly: Thanks guys. 

[00:57:02] Lindsey: Thanks everybody. Thanks Nicole.

[00:57:04] closing

[00:57:04] Kelly: Thank you for listening. Please give us a five-star rating like and subscribe, share on social media, and tell your friends. We love getting your feedback and ideas of what you'd like to hear on upcoming episodes of the laugh life podcast. If you yourself are living alcohol free and want to share your story here, please reach out.