Sobriety Struggle Bus Ep. 17

Everything is temporary and this too shall pass! Although we love the AF (alcohol free) lives we are building, naturally there have been moments when we have struggled with our sobriety. In this episode we explore the situations where this can be a challenge and the things we have done to overcome them.

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**Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this episode are not professional or medical opinions. If you are struggling with an addiction please contact a medical professional for help.

Music provided by Premium Beats: https://www.premiumbeat.com
Song: Rise and Thrive
Artist: Young Presidents

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Transcript

Ep. 17 Sobriety Struggle Bus

[00:00:00] Intro

[00:00:00] Kelly: Welcome to the laugh life podcast, a lifestyle podcast based on living alcohol free and a booze-soaked world. My name is Kelly Evans and together with my friends, Tracey, Djordjevic, Mike Sutton and Lindsay Hirik. We share uncensored. Unscripted real conversations about what our lives have been like since we ditched alcohol and how we got here by sharing our individual stories.

[00:00:26] Kelly: We'll show you that there isn't just one way to do this, no matter where you are on your journey from sober, curious to years in recovery and everyone in between, you are welcome here, no judgment and a ton of support.

[00:00:42] Lindsey: Hey, everybody. Welcome back to the LAF life podcast. We are on episode 17 today, and let's talk about the struggle bus of sobrieties. So not necessarily, how do I word this? That it's a struggle to stay sober, but you know, we can come in contact with some challenges in this journey. Change is uncomfortable.

[00:01:07] Lindsey: I think that, if you've ever struggled with some kind of addiction or substance abuse, there's a misconception that you just quit the substance and then your life is perfect, but I don't think it quite goes that way. We have really high expectations to stay strong and also boredom. Let's talk about it, guys. What do we think here? 

[00:01:32] Kelly: Wow. This is a good, good topic because I feel like a lot of people wonder about this that are, considering quitting drinking because I know I was, it was like, well, what would I do? You know, if somebody close to me passed away or how would I go to a wedding or how would I go to the cottage, all of those things, and guess what I've been in all of those situations.

[00:01:55] Kelly: So, yeah. I haven't drank. I've done it. So, it can be done. Can be done, but it is a struggle sometimes. Yeah. Some situations, those struggles. I'm happy that we're talking about this. 

[00:02:09] Tracey: I feel like sometimes it's old habits. That's what I feel like. Like when I'm sitting on a table and everybody's passing around a bottle of wine, it's almost like second nature to grab it and pour myself some just because that's what my old self would. But, I guess, because I stopped drinking during COVID and haven't been in a lot of those social situations where, you're really gathering with a lot of people, say like a wedding, but I was at a gala on Friday night, and it was like a wedding scenario. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got to dress up in like 1920s gear and yeah, it was really fun. And there was a DJ, but I'll tell you my whole situation. There was a little odd for one. So we were at tables, like a wedding, so there was wine on the table and people were sharing and pouring themselves classes and stuff. And for me it was just more so. Not that I felt like wine it just felt more habitual, like odd to me that I wasn't reaching for it and pouring myself some. And then the other thing that I was joking and laughing about was normally in the past my drinking self, I would add no problem being one of the first people on the dance floor. I would have been like you know, they were trying to get the dance floor going, the music started, and nobody was dancing.

[00:03:32] Tracey: And before if I had a couple drinks, I'd be like, oh yeah, let's have that. Or because I love music and I love to dance, but I was like, okay, well, sober Tracey needs to shake off a few cobwebs before she gets on the dance floor and so I was making jokes with my girlfriends about that. But the other thing that happened, and we were sort of talking about this before we started recording Mike brought it up, was. My partner met some random guy outside when they were both outside having a little smoke break and next thing you know, we're buddies. So, when he came back inside, he wanted to introduce himself to me and introduce his wife to us. So, we're talking to them and of course they're both drinking hand and blah, blah, blah, going on and on very nice people and explaining to us how they knew, the person hosting the party and all this. And of course, now they're like our best friends and they want to offer to buy us a drink. So, mind you my partner doesn't drink, period, never did. So, we're like, no, we're okay. Thanks. And then I know Kelly had mentioned, like, why can't you just say no, but then it was like, A few minutes later, are you sure we can't buy you a drink? So, then I felt the need to say we don't drink and then

[00:04:55] Lindsey: it feels rude a little bit. Hey, when you're. With no explanation. Right. 

[00:05:00] Tracey: But even funnier. The other thing that ended up happening that we've discussed many times is they got, this is a brand-new couple. We just met, this isn't even our friends, the wife starts going into a huge explanation about how they're not big drinkers. And this is just a special occasion, blah, blah, blah, and starts defending her drinking 

[00:05:23] Kelly: weird and funny thing that happens. Yeah.

[00:05:25] Tracey: And then I was like, okay, this is getting a bit too awkward for me. It's different when my friends are doing it because I'm comfortable with them and I know them, but when some random person, I don't really know, starting to explain the intimate details of her drinking habits to me. So that whole scenario was very interesting for me, but it was, like I said, Type of scenario was new to me being sober because I haven't been to an event like that since I've been sober 

[00:05:56] Lindsey: I haven't been to an event because COVID right. No, there hasn't been a lot going on, so I haven't been able to get married.

[00:06:07] Tracey: Right. So, I'm sure nobody's been to a wedding since. 

[00:06:11] Kelly: Well, it definitely gets easier. I can say, I've done all those events. Definitely gets easier to I could be the first one on the dance floor. No problem. I don't feel like I want to grab the wine anymore, anything like that. So over time and the more we're able to be in these situations in practice, and practice saying like, no thanks, or I don't drink or whatever you want to say, it gets easier and easier. And it's just something you don't do anymore. 

[00:06:37] Tracey: I had another funny scenario about saying I didn't drink recently too. So, my work had a retirement luncheon for my employee who was retiring, and they had a luncheon and I guess she likes cosmos. So, they did a whole Cosmo thing, and they were making cosmos. out of the norm for my company, but they were just kind of making them for fun at this luncheon. And the president of the company comes up to me. And a lot of people at my company know that I haven't been drinking. He knew that too, but probably didn't really think of it in the moment. And he went to hand me a glass of this Cosmo and I'm like, oh, is this a Virgin Cosmo? And he's like, no, no, there's a vodka in there. And I'm like, oh, okay, well, no, thank you then. And I was thinking like, have you ever had that scenario and what would happen if I drank it? like back, 

[00:07:30] Lindsey: literally holding the drink, like you could have just grabbed the drink right out of 10. It's offering it to you. It was right there. That's 

[00:07:38] Tracey: and I gave it back to him, but I was like that whole conversation we had about, if you had one drink, would you not be sober anymore? And you have to start over again. Right? Our last. Episode. Cause I was thinking, what if I did know? And I just started drinking it. I mean, I'm sure I'd know pretty quickly. I'd probably taste it and put it down, but it made me think about that. But even funnier, then our controller came up to me and said, are you not having a drink? Are you not having a Cosmo? And I was like, no, I don't drink. And he looked at me like, what the fuck are you talking about? Because he knows that in the past, when we thought Christmas parties and stuff I've been drinking. So, he was probably like,

[00:08:21] Kelly: it's like, yes you do. What do you mean? You know, 

[00:08:24] Tracey: like, where's this coming from? I've seen you drink almost like; I don't believe you, but I didn't get into it a whole explanation with him of like, well, I don't drink anymore. I'm practicing this whole. I don't know. 

[00:08:40] Lindsey: Do you think if you were earlier on in your sobriety, that that situation would have been tougher for you to navigate?

[00:08:46] Tracey: No, because I've never really found it hard to abstain. It's not more so about the abstaining, I guess it's just more so the feeling of awkwardness in social situations where normally you would be doing what everybody else is doing and suddenly, you're not, and, and it goes, I think kind of hand-in-hand with the whole how we use alcohol to be more sociable.

[00:09:08] Lindsey: Has anybody here ever quit drinking and then relapsed? 

[00:09:15] Kelly: No, no, no, no. 

[00:09:19] Lindsey: I quit drinking for maybe six months and then was like, see, I don't have a problem. I can have a drink. And it just went right back to where I left off. So 

[00:09:30] Kelly: right. Yeah, we would do try and do a whole month without drinking, not with the intention to quit forever. Yeah. At that point in my life. But yeah, I think it was just to be like, ah, see, I don't have a problem. I can go wait a minute. I doubt it when 30 days. But see, I can go twenty-five days. I couldn't have a problem. 

[00:09:50] Tracey: I've done like 30-day cleanses before with no alcohol prior to stopping. But always at that 30 day, oh, I can have a 

[00:10:02] Kelly: make up for a drink as much as you've missed a drinking. 

[00:10:06] Tracey: Oh, the other thing that happened to me is I finally had that dream of drinking last night. 

[00:10:12] Kelly: Oh, I hate those. 

[00:10:13] Tracey: And I swear it maybe was because we were discussing these topics. I don't know where maybe because of the scenario I was in on Friday, but yeah. I had a dream last night that I had a drink and again, I was like, yeah. And I was mad because I was like, no, I have to look for again, like I think you guys really got my head with that one.

[00:10:36] Kelly: I hate those dreams. They feel so real. And then you even, I don't know about you, but I, I felt like that shame and that, oh my God, it was a real feeling of feeling like I actually did. 

[00:10:47] Tracey: No for sure. I like, I shouldn't be, what am I doing? Right. Right. Feeling like a hypocrite, I'm doing a podcast about not drinking. How am I drinking dreamy self?

[00:11:01] Tracey: So, none of you guys have been handed, alcohol them. 

[00:11:03] Lindsey: I've never, 

[00:11:04] Kelly: I think I have been handed alcohol. I will often order Virgin cocktails at restaurants. And I really like to make sure I can see them making it Cesar, for example, that I feel like that'd be something you could miss the booze in.

[00:11:19] Tracey: Yeah. 

[00:11:20] Kelly: But and I always, I do notice that I say when they put it down in front of me, I say, Virgin, I double check with them. I'm a little bit paranoid. I don't, I definitely don't want to accidentally drink alcohol. 

[00:11:31] Lindsey: No. But if you drank alcohol, would you feel like you, it was a relapse or you would, what would you do? Just like, yeah. 

[00:11:40] Kelly: Well, I wouldn't feel like, I feel like a relapse would be if I chose to drink. Yeah, 

[00:11:44] Lindsey: yeah. Yeah. I got like super drunk 

[00:11:48] Kelly: just even if I chose to drink. 

[00:11:50] Kelly: Yeah. 

[00:11:51] Tracey: That's good point 

[00:11:51] Mike: relapse like, is it a relapse though? Cause we talked about the whole; I know you've said it a few times lens. Where is it? My decisions that I'm currently in forever and I think a lot of the times we focus on well obviously the center of our, of our topic is around sobriety itself yet. I mean, I don't think it's something that you can. chastise yourself or condemn your condemn yourself for, an accident like Kelly said, and, or even a choice, like it's, I think how the habit persisted to the lifestyle that we so wanted to get away from, by our decisions in excessive drinking, and, I think there's a lot to be said about that potentially. I don't know. I think there's a few things. I think that we all agree that alcoholics get to a point where like Kelly said before, there's just no, yes or no, it's no. Or else trouble could happen whereas the other side of it is, maybe one day, there will be a time where I decided that I'm going to have a drink again, but right now is just feels like that's not even in the distant future. So. 

[00:13:02] Kelly: Yeah. That's not me. My, yeah. My life was so unmanageable. I know, but if I had one drink it wouldn't first of all, be one and my life would again become unmanageable.

[00:13:14] Lindsey: That's a really good point. I don't think for me, I don't think it would be just one either. There is no way. 

[00:13:20] Mike: Oh, hell no, no, no. How bad for leather for me, I was always a one. What do you mean one? Like what the fuck? 

[00:13:28] Kelly: And you never understood people who would do that? Like what's that that's like drinking decaf coffee. I feel like I've 

[00:13:37] Mike: well, wait, that's a whole other podcast topic. And if you want to start a copy. No, I can't understand why. Hey, you want to go for a beer. No, I'm going to go for about seven or eight years. Quick. Beer is a quick beer, although. I remember when I used to be, I used to play ball. There was a guy who was on our team that we played for a team that our sponsor was a brew, your own beer facility. They gave us two cases of beer, every game, it would be there, and you'd be there, and I'd be like, what time is it? It's like two in the morning. And I'm like, oh, who am I in the morning? Oh my God, I got up. How am I going to drive home? And I got to get up in the morning. And it was always we got to drink both case of beer well, this guy was a regular, he was one of the last guys. And I remember once we sat there in the rain and drank every last beer, because we were the last few guys. And as time went on, he then met his wife and like a lot of the times it's the beers and the comradery. Right? Most guys go to sports that I know it's the comradery afterwards. It's the joking and whatnot. This guy from the ball field to the parking lot was maybe a three-minute walk at most. And he would tell his wife, you just take your time and push the stroller. And he would literally fucking run to the car. Who's got the beer. He would chug two beers two, by the time she got back to the car, because he wanted to have to use my time. He'd go. I always felt that was I'm like, who is this guy? Like, you hear all the time and now like, can you just say to his wife, I want to stay for a beer. it's going to be 15 minutes. I don't know. But I just felt to be crazy to chug two beers in, in four minutes 

[00:15:24] Lindsey: wow. 

[00:15:25] Tracey: Well, much, I guess. 

[00:15:28] Mike: Yeah, I know his wife is yeah, well, there's a whole bunch of stories about her, but anyway, that's the podcast itself. 

[00:15:34] Kelly: She doesn't listen. 

[00:15:35] Lindsey: So, I guess maybe we're on the, are we on the same page on that? Relapse doesn't erase progress. 

[00:15:45] Kelly: I don't think so. Like, I would hope that every day I wake up and it's a conscious choice to just be sober today and I hope I can do the same thing tomorrow. But if for some reason I decided to drink, I would hope that. Take everything that I learned. It's not going to all be erased that I've learned over the last four years and be able to apply it, apply it next time, and I know a lot of people, you look at some of our guests, they tried, 10 times for sure. 

[00:16:15] Mike: Well, that Kelly, Kelly, was she with three years. 

[00:16:19] Kelly: Yeah. She had a long, yeah.

[00:16:21] Lindsey: She had a year, two years. Yeah. 

[00:16:23] Mike: Yeah. So, I mean, it's doable, but 

[00:16:26] Kelly: for sure, 

[00:16:27] Mike: I think it depends on where you are your life and what's going on. Cause we know stress plays a huge factor in a lot of the things we do, 

[00:16:35] Tracey: I even think being younger because I think being younger, you're in a lot more social situations and just even maturity. Right. Life changes. You have more responsibility and more things to be sober for a lot of times when you got to be, older and have children. And you have more motivation for sobriety with your kids, with your job. I think it's probably a lot more of a struggle to stay sober if you're younger.

[00:17:06] Kelly: Yeah, well, yeah. And I think this whole journey for me has been about it. Hasn't been about the daily struggle to not drink., I don't feel that there's been a handful of times and we can talk about that because I think that's more of what this topic is. And maybe this is off topic, but there's a handful of times where I have been like, well, I could drink right now. And this would be a lot easier, but the whole four years has been about building a new life that I don't need that escape.

[00:17:34] Lindsey: Right. 

[00:17:35] Kelly: My life is completely different. My relationship with myself is completely different. My daily habits are completely different. Like Mike was saying like the stress management and it’s not that I have less stress in my life. It's that I know how to deal with it. It's not that I'm less emotional person. I got a lot of emotions and, I have big feelings, but now I know how to deal with those. I didn't before I drank, instead of dealing with any of that, 

[00:18:00] Lindsey: right. It's almost like, well, okay. So that, with that being said, then failure, isn't the opposite of success. It's part of it. When you are doing things the wrong way that, they don't work for you, you learn and grow from those situations. And you're able to have this lifestyle now where you don't need alcohol. 

[00:18:22] Kelly: Right. 

[00:18:22] Lindsey: Hmm. Yeah, it is part of your journey.

[00:18:26] Kelly: love my vortex?

[00:18:28] Lindsey: I used to drink even out of just boredom. It's like chill out and watch Netflix. I'm going to drink right. That's kind of how I was too. So, I think maybe in the beginning, it's a big change when you cut out substances, it's like kay now what do I do?

[00:18:50] Mike: Well, because it affects your brain chemistry two- and a-bit fuel.

[00:18:55] Mike: Hey, like you said, it's Saturday. What the fuck? It's Saturday, it's four o'clock and I haven't even had a glass of wine. 

[00:19:00] Lindsey: Right. What am I going to do tonight? What's my plan? So, I guess you kind of have to make a plan and, and. I don't know, start incorporating different 

[00:19:11] Mike: that's so, I mean, do your plans but I'm curious to hear your guys' take on it, but I know you're all women and maybe it's different for me, but do have your plans. And what I mean by this is like what you alluded to before Lind's was okay, so it's Wednesday. What am I doing Saturday? Am I going out for dinner with people? So, has that changed? I mean, I know covid. It's changed things for everybody, but now that we're all back into the swing of things, we'll call it normal life in a sense has that changed where Wednesday comes and are you thinking about Friday and Saturday?

[00:19:46] Mike: You know what I mean? Or

[00:19:47] Kelly: I am, I saw a girlfriend today and I was like, well, let's find some live music this weekend. That part hasn't changed. I want to go out more than I did before I drank at home. I want to be, I want to be socializing. I want to be, and I can drive. 

[00:20:04] Mike: That's crazy. 

[00:20:05] Lindsey: Yeah. I've loved being at home and drinking wine by myself. I was like, leave me alone. I can watch my show. I have no idea what I just watched. I don't remember it. And where my pants

[00:20:16] Mike: economical ever in any regard, like cheaper to drink at home or just was a, 

[00:20:23] Kelly: I just didn't, I didn't drink and drive. I never wanted to drink a yes and I 

[00:20:27] Mike: there's alternatives. Right. Like Uber and, but it was more of a comfort thing. Not wear your pants. If you want it,

[00:20:34] Lindsey: watching a Netflix show. And then I'm like, what? It's just me. What am I doing? I'm raving out my living room. Oh my God. 

[00:20:43] Mike: I never would have, well, I never did that. I was always, never had booze at my house. I would always go out and now I don't even want to go out at all. It's 

[00:20:54] Tracey: well, Kel, like you your husband works shift work, right? Yeah. Your sorry, your ex-husband go backwards there. Okay. Your ex-husband work shift work. So, you were on your own a lot because I was in that scenario too, my partner worked shift work. 

[00:21:13] Kelly: Yeah, there was a time where I feel like I didn't drink on his nights. I think I told this in my story a while back on my episode. But then there was there was a time where I started drinking by myself on when he was working on nights. Yeah. 

[00:21:29] Tracey: Yeah. I can totally relate to the boredom factor. I definitely think that I did it a lot out of boredom too, because I was here by myself and it became like a, your buddy. It same with smoking. When I used to be a smoker, I did the bulk of my smoking. When I be sitting on the couch at night. This would be when you smoked to in your house watching TV or when. Or what I was talking on the phone to my girlfriend, I'd be smoking butts. Wine was like the same thing. Right. But for me I would be drinking it here and I would be drinking it with my girlfriends too. And I've always had a pretty active social life. I see my girlfriends on the regular. I see my family on the regular and everybody drank. So, it was a big part of my social life. And it was a big part of my own independent. 

[00:22:22] Kelly: Yeah. I felt like it was a reward to oh, the kids are in bed. I had a super busy Workday, here's my reward 

[00:22:29] Lindsey: for sure.

[00:22:30] Tracey: A hundred percent 

[00:22:31] Kelly: of like shit tomorrow. Like I know. Well, I started to, at the end I started to, yeah, I started to be like, I'm gonna feel like shit tomorrow. My hangover's got so bad. Yeah. 

[00:22:43] Mike: Don't you think that the bad hangovers though, are assigned from your vortex? That it's time to wake the fuck up? it's just not who you really are. We're just going to keep throwing wrenches in your spokes to get you off your bike. I mean like 

[00:23:00] Kelly: every morning, every morning, my self-talk was what the fuck is wrong with you. I'm not drinking tonight. 

[00:23:06] Mike: Self-talk let's not 

[00:23:09] Kelly: It's the worst. 

[00:23:11] Tracey: That's something I'm wanting to ask everybody's. Have you had scenarios or things that happened where you felt like even though you chose not to, but you felt like you wanted to go to drinking? For instance, I lost my dad since I've been sober and I didn't feel like I wanted to drink in the moment, but I had people saying to me, I can't believe you're not drinking through this. And last week I had a super fricking stressful week at work. And again, not that I felt like drinking or thought about drinking. But I did think about the fact that previously my go to in that scenario would have been I can't wait to have a glass of wine tonight, but instead I was looking forward to going to this gala that I was going to, that I was going to go there, be able to relax, have fun with friends, and dress up and have a good time and kind of escape that way, and I didn't need alcohol to do any of that. 

[00:24:08] Lindsey: You know, What I am realizing being sober right now is how many times I should have had a nap instead of opened a bottle of wine. I would get home from work or after, just with all the talk of having the stressful week at work and you get home on Friday and. Of course, I would go to the wine store, and I would grab not one but two bottles of wine. And I would come home and eat something and open the wine. Sometimes I would open the line while making food, but what I really should have done instead had a nap because I was so physically and mentally exhausted, but I stayed awake till like three in the morning drinking wine. And I was always in that state, I was doing things like let's drink instead of having a nap. And then of course you don't sleep well after drinking. It's just so crazy. And then the whole next day you're hung over. But yeah, 

[00:25:06] Kelly: look at how good you are at naps now, Lindsey but that's what I mean, when I say building this life, you didn't have those tools now you see that you should've been doing that instead. You didn't know that at the time, but you're building this healthier life. You're making healthier choices. Yes. You still have stressful days, but instead of wine, you have a nap 

[00:25:24] Lindsey: for sure.

[00:25:25] Kelly: Good. That's so good. I love it. 

[00:25:27] Tracey: Yeah. So, did you guys go through anything where you thought about, in that situation you would have normally drank? 

[00:25:35] Kelly: I can think of three situations. Should I share all three. Yeah. One was for the first vacation I was 60 days sober, and I think it was the first night out for dinner and it was hot. And the server walked by with a tray of, like when the white wine glasses are like sweating, my mouth goes and I was just like, holy shit. I did not know what to do. I didn't know what to do with myself. I really like, felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack. So that was really tough, but I got through it. We just sat there, and I shared with my, ex how I was feeling about it. And he just kind of tried to calm me down. That was tough, but that's, it was very early on to 60 days in a situation where I definitely would have been like. pounding in those cold glasses another situation was like heartbreak.

[00:26:26] Kelly: Somebody hurt me, and I was driving by myself. I didn't have the kids. Then I was like, well, I could get wine right now. And nobody would know if I drank. So that was really scary to have those thoughts. But I didn't, I just kept driving, turned up the music, got myself home. I knew once I got home, I would go back. Yeah. And then at the beginning of COVID remember how it was so uncertain, like everything just locked down and it was just a really anxious time for me with the kids. Couldn't go to school and yeah, I think it was just all that uncertainty and anxiety and their dad picked them up to go to his house for three days.

[00:27:06] Kelly: And yeah, I was like, well, I feel like shit right now. And I remember feeling this anxious before, in my old life. And I know exactly what I did when I felt this anxious. So, there was that. So, it has it, I'm so grateful that I haven't had a lot of those moments. I've definitely had them

[00:27:23] Tracey: Linds or Mike, 

[00:27:26] Lindsey: I haven't really had a super tough situation that I can think of off the top of my head, where I was like, oh, I'm going to drink. Or I'm thinking about drinking. Yeah, nothing comes to mind and me, I should be honest at this point. I really don't think, I don't want to say never, but I feel like I've built. Habit. Yeah. And that's tools in my toolbox. But if I was in a situation, the only thing that comes to mind for me is vacation. I've brought it up several times on this podcast. I don't know how I'm going to feel if I'm on vacation and the drinks are coming around and they're being offered, and they look delicious and amazing. I don't know how I'm going to feel, but I guess I'll have to see when I'm in that situation. But today, right now, I wouldn't drink have to call Kelly and be like, I want to vacation, but yeah, no, I don't have anything. That's off the top of my head. 

[00:28:31] Tracey: That's good. That's good. 

[00:28:32] Mike: I think, well, I know I wouldn't say specifics, like Kelly had some very specific moments. I think for me, it's more the normal scenarios that I've have been involved in such as sports. Like I went back to play baseball last year and the post game has always beers and joints. And I looked at like, what is something wrong here? What the fuck you look, you're like, you have the joints, and you have the beers, like what's going on. So that was, I don't know if that was a struggle. I definitely would say that during, there were sometimes where I think to myself. Hmm wonder, but never really like got to the point. I got to go for a walk by myself, cause my hands are sweating and I'm getting to that point of cracking. I went on a golf overnight golf trip, a two-night golf trip with eight guys and everybody.

[00:29:26] Mike: And I mean, everybody, except for me was, was drunk. And a lot of them were, smoking weed because, they kind of go hand in hand of these, the guys that I've hung out with over the years. And that was the point where I remember kind of looking around the room, just kind of observing the states that they were in and thinking, Hmm, I'm going to be really good tomorrow morning at seven 30, when we got to get up for breakfast and tee off at eight, whereas these guys would be like, oh my God, I'm still drunk. I was looking at it in that context, whereas before I wouldn't have, I think there's been some self-talking moments where it's like, eh, can I just grab a beer? I have like Lindsay and Kelly said the tools to kind of work through it. I've been, like I was saying to you guys, before we recorded, I went to go help a guy on Friday. And my relationship with this guy, I've known this guy since high school and he's like a brother to me, he's a great guy, but it's always like, here's a beer. And do you want to smoke a joint? I got there and he naturally offered me the beer. Dude. I haven't had a drink in fucking two and a half years. Like, well, you know, you never know, that's what people say. Like, well, you never know. They're almost like here, you know, you know, we know heroin is not good for you, but here's some heroin. Cause you know, you're a recovering addict, right? Like what the hell? But I never, you know, I wouldn't look at them in the context of your asshole. Like, you know, like that's just not who I am. I'm more of a, what the fuck?

[00:30:56] Mike: Like, dude, wake the fuck up and kind of throw it back at him. That's just my personality. I don't think everybody can do that. And they kind of, like you said, like I said, well, you never know. Just want to make sure you don't want to be rude, but. Yeah, those are some moments. I definitely would say that.

[00:31:17] Mike: For me, the thing that I noticed the most is my phone doesn't blow up with, hey, we're going for beers or for sure. I don't know if it's a frigging. I dunno what it is. I don't think I'm too much of a different guy just don't drink and I just don't, smoke weed. But I guess, in times like these, people show their true colors is the whole, the whole saying. And maybe it's a way to weed out some people that may not how they assumed they were bad, but you just weren't, there for the right reasons that look we've talked about stress and how everybody's got their own stresses and how we all deal with it. And. I can sure as hell tell you over the last two and a half years, or two years or whatever it's been with this whole COVID thing. My God, I just thought there is a lot of people who really don't have the skillset to manage, to dealing with stress, like turmoil, whatever, what have you, it's such an eye-opener to me as an observer that I've never really been an observer. I've been more of a just 

[00:32:17] Lindsey: participants

[00:32:18] Mike: you have ever been there to see me participate. So no, a hundred percent. So, I think we need to learn how to be with ourselves and. We've all hinted on what would you do when you're by yourself and the anxiety getting steered up? For me, never was alcohol. It was, if I'm stressed, if I'm anxious, I'm grabbing a joint. And I think that helped me in some ways get through the first year, I just get, I used to just get really, I just get bent out of shape. Like, fuck you, fuck this blah, blah, blah, blah. And that's the way I dealt with it, but I've gotten better at it now that I haven't used that. And Meditate k I think a lot of people would probably think what, but yeah, it works. 

[00:33:05] Kelly: Your meditation is like Lindsay's naps 

[00:33:08] Lindsey: for sure. 

[00:33:11] Mike: I nap more. Like I naturally sit there and I'm like, I'm going to fall asleep for half an hour. And I, 

[00:33:20] Lindsey: oh yeah. I would drink through that feeling. I'd be like, no, I'm going to go buy a bottle of wine.

[00:33:26] Lindsey: It's not fun. And I wouldn't drink. Yeah. See, you're like, I'm going to the bar. And I would drink like two things would often trigger me to drink. Cause I, that just came to mind after hearing Kelly and Mike talking hurt feelings any time, I felt hurt which was a lot and loneliness. Especially after going through divorce, I'm I feel lonely or hurt or, putting yourself out there dating. Yeah, I would always sort of cope with those two things by getting wine and drinking, and now it's like, Nope, make your green juice, do a workout, have a bath, take a nap. Those are my things, you know? 

[00:34:11] Kelly: Yeah. 

[00:34:11] Tracey: That is good. Yeah. Mike, I can say that I can relate to people to kind of dropping off. I definitely don't get invited to certain crowds of people as much anymore. I mean, nothing's happened with my core close girlfriends. But yeah, I definitely have those kinds of more casual friends that I would spend time with here and there that they haven't invited me to do anything for a while, but to me it's like, I don't know how you guys feel about this, but I've definitely noticed for myself in a lot of scenarios, I just don't have interest in people that get sloppy drunk. I just don't have interest in being around them and. I'm quite okay with the fact that people like that maybe don't want to spend their time with me now. I don't really want to spend my time with those people either because it doesn't bring a lot of value to my life. 

[00:35:05] Mike: Oh, well kind of you probably can. I don't want to speak for you, but he probably just gives you that, that reminder of a fuck was I like that. Like I was in that state and you know what I mean? And it's like, I don't know if I would like that person. I don't like that person, you know? So, I hear you. I seen I would just say, are you fucking wasted? And maybe it's wrong of me to say that, but. Again, it's my personality. And maybe it's something I got to work on. But yeah, I just like, all right, it's time to go. I just can't handle somebody like a dog and just like, fuck off. I know that I would have been like that.

[00:35:49] Tracey: no, I never said, I know. I don't like that version of myself, so I don't, yeah. I don't need reminders. 

[00:35:57] Kelly: I've gotten reminders. I haven't been in those situations too, too much that people I hang out with don't get sloppy drunk. That was my job. But yeah, I've been in few situations early in sobriety and is that a Christmas party once and couple. And these women that I didn't know, they were younger than me, and they're all dressed up and beautiful Christmas sweaters and white sweaters and like just gorgeous girls, like coming into this party. And I'm less than a year sober at this point. And just, I don't want to, you know, talk shit about people, but it was a, it wasn't meant for me to see this, that, by the end of the night, talking like Mike was just talking, I'm not going to try and imitate that. But like with red wine spilled down the front of these beautiful sweaters and you know what I mean? Like, oh, I'm like, that was me. Yeah. 

[00:36:49] Tracey: I want to speak to that for a minute. I was happy to go in the bathroom at the end of the night, Friday and not see a total dishevelled so I can't even tell you how many times, you go out for a night, you look great. And then you think you just looking greater and then you have that moment where you're like, look like, 

[00:37:20] Mike: yeah, 

[00:37:21] Kelly: your lips are all stain. You have like that wine smile

[00:37:26] Mike: joker.

[00:37:28] Kelly: So classy though. I don't know what you guys are talking.

[00:37:31] Tracey: I'm happy to report. Like all my outfit was still put together. These stains on my face by the end of the night, Friday. 

[00:37:42] Lindsey: No barfing. Your hair that

[00:37:45] Tracey: didn't come home with half the nylon. You lost 

[00:37:51] Kelly: your shoes on. 

[00:37:52] Tracey: I did.

[00:37:53] Kelly: Yeah. 

[00:37:57] Tracey: And I woke up Saturday morning feeling fantastic.

[00:38:00] Kelly: So, did you end up getting on the dance floor? 

[00:38:03] Tracey: I did. Absolutely. Like I said, I naturally love to dance. I just noticed that it just took me a little longer too, but I think part of that too is just feeling rusty in general. Like when we're getting to the point we are in our lives. Yeah, you don't get the opportunity to dance as often. When I was in my twenties, I was probably going dancing a couple times a week. So, I was like, yeah, I better, you know, like I had some moves. I'm not really sure 

[00:38:41] Kelly: that you have lived moves Tracy. I know what you're do 

[00:38:45] Mike: you want to dance right now? Like I can do some.

[00:38:47] Kelly: struggle bus 

[00:38:51] Tracey: struggling, 

[00:38:53] Kelly: struggling. Yes. Oh my God. 

[00:38:55] Lindsey: Yeah.

[00:38:55] Kelly: Yeah. I think I said this before we hit record. So, I'll just say it again about, I had a lot of fears and maybe our listeners do too. Anybody considering how am I going to do all of these things? And I've done them all and I'm still sober. And I still have tons of fun when I go out. And I remember everything and yeah, those, I think we get tested, right? It's like going through a full normal year, not a COVID year, but you go through a full year and you're going to get invited to a wedding. You're gonna, go to a cottage. You're gonna go to a concert. You're going to somebody who will maybe pass away. You know, all of those things that I feared. I ended up happening and no one's going to hurt you. It's going to hurt you. 

[00:39:38] Mike: Common themes some one's going to hurt. 

[00:39:42] Kelly: Okay. We're dating. Dating is not for the faint of heart. 

[00:39:46] Mike: All right. Whoever's hurting these ladies out there. I said, just stop. 

[00:39:54] Tracey: I give you a girl's credit for dating sober okay. Cause I don't know I could have done it. The stage of my life. Like I think drinking did get me true. The dating parts. That's one thing I may not regret is that I was drinking while I was dating. So, it led me to my nondrinking partner. So, I don't know, but I think that was probably meant to be 

[00:40:22] Mike: his choice. He had to put up with. I

[00:40:25] Tracey: know, I know it's moments where he's like, what the fuck did I get myself into? 

[00:40:32] Mike: I was just going to say, I remember the first time that I met him, and I know how trashed I was bombed when I met him. Probably looking over both and you introduced me to him, and he was probably like, wait a second. This is your friend. Why? Why is this guy. But do you remember that Trace 

[00:40:52] Tracey: I do remember. Yeah, it was that the 

[00:40:53] Mike: cactus, right? Oh, yes. Yes. So interesting. 

[00:40:59] Lindsey: One other struggle. I want to mention before we kind of wrap it up, is anybody here struggle with mood swings or anything like that? Especially early on in their sobriety, one minute, you're happy. The next minute you're sad. And then you're angry and irritated and irritable. 

[00:41:18] Kelly: That's on all the time, every three to four months. Okay.

[00:41:24] Lindsey: struggle. Right. Fucks with your mind and your brain chemistry. So, I think, early on somebody who isn't maybe necessarily prepared for that might be like, holy shit. I don't feel good. I'm having anxiety, I'm crying. I don't know why I'm crying. I'm driving in my car and I'm bawling my eyes out, I need to have some wine or whatever it is, and then they just, maybe you feel better after that, but yeah, I don't know. Has it, did anybody struggle 

[00:41:54] Kelly: with. I mentioned this before on here, but my first 45 days was really, really hard. And when I say that, sometimes people think, oh, she was just trying not to drink the whole time. It was hard for her not to drink. Well, no, that wasn't the case. Like I was done with drinking. It was the emotions. It's exactly what you're talking about because I had spent so many years numbing all of my emotions with alcohol, not feeling anything, and now there's no number and I'm feeling everything. So, it was like, what is happening and yeah. All at once. So, it wasn't long, like I'm going to say it was maybe only a week or so that I was like, I can't do this by myself. I don't know what to do with all of these emotions. And that's when I reached out and got my addictions therapist. So yeah, sure. The biggest, I didn't reach for a bottle. Like I Googled and Yeah. That's that was my biggest struggle. It was not the not drinking. It was the feeling, all the emotions that I had been suppressing for so long.

[00:42:58] Lindsey: I think we're all really common. 

[00:43:00] Tracey: And you guys, you hit the nail on the head there it's because all of a sudden, you're not numbing them. All right. Is it really that we're feeling any more emotions? Probably not. It's just that we're not flushing them down with the wine or whatever. Right. So, I definitely can see irritability too, because you don't have that in your system anymore, but also again, naturally, you might've been irritable before, but you were just dealing with it by. Okay. I feel irritable. I'm just going to drink and that I won't give a shit about anything, and I won't be irritable anymore. 

[00:43:36] Kelly: Right. True. 

[00:43:37] Tracey: But that's a good recommendation for listeners out there. Kel if they're struggling or they're feeling like that, oh yeah, you reached out 

[00:43:46] Kelly: therapists are for, 

[00:43:47] Lindsey: and you can get through it. Like it's not going to stay like that forever. So, if you are struggling with yeah. 

[00:43:54] Mike: Forever, forever feeling with a lot of things, right. It's forever, forever. It's that? And that's, that could be a really bad thing to think about. Is this forever? Is this forever or is that forever? And that's what causes stress 

[00:44:09] Lindsey: for sure.

[00:44:11] Tracey: Yeah. 

[00:44:12] Kelly: Everything is temporary. Everything. 

[00:44:15] Mike: Okay. Well, I think you have to just, it's really hard to sit with your emotions because. I think that's our biggest tasks as men and women, sorry, people just sit with our remote, like to sit with our emotions. Ha, I mean, it's, I don't know how to say if you can't, like you said, get help or figure out, maybe not get help, but figure out other things to distract yourself until you get a little bit better. Like exercising, for example, is a good resource, but to use the analogy of exercising, well, you don't go and try to bench press 200 pounds right out the gate. You progress up to it. There's so many different things and we've talked about it with other episodes, with, exercise and walking and hiking and swimming, whatever you want to call it, bike ride. But at the end of the day, if you can't sit with your emotions,

[00:45:06] Kelly: we're meant to, we're meant to feel everything. And we live in this society that tells us we're only supposed to feel happy and joyful and all that, but no more, you feel it all and feelings are temporary too. All of our emotions they're meant to just flow through us. If we keep shoving it down, they don't eventually it's going to manifest into something bad. Yeah. Clogged filter. That's a good analogy. 

[00:45:33] Mike: Yeah. And they get clogged filter you're not living your authentic self, which is what we're all here to do. Whether we're led to believe that or not, by other things we've talked about advertising and all that other bullshit crackle.

[00:45:51] Kelly: Yeah. But I thought they told me the booze was going to make me 

[00:45:54] Lindsey: happy and people struggle with their authentic.

[00:45:58] Mike: I don't think they do it don't do anything in school to teach kids because there's lots of scientific research that shows that the development of the child is most critical in the first seven years. I mean, like, I can't remember even 

[00:46:17] Lindsey: when it's a fetus that starts even the child is in the womb. If the mom has no concept of how to do life and all this, like it can actually alter the genetics, 

[00:46:28] Mike: absolutely. But even more so when I was born with one called born yeah, they're your parents or your mother would have you are significant parts of your development, but then when you get into school, are we not supposed to be taught certain things on how to Grow. I just don't think that they do. I mean, even now, I don't know very many teach. I know some teachers, but I don't talk about that stuff because I just think it's so structured. It's such a systematic, we live in such a system, you know, in so many capacities. So, are we the ones that need to show other people? For example, we've all talked about who do we, who we've learned things from on YouTube or different platforms that, have gone through these things like us four we're gotten together to talk about art, art, different struggles and experiences to, to hopefully help somebody, just one person.

[00:47:22] Mike: I mean, that was our goal, right? When we first started doing this one person, and I think, as we continue on, we'll hit topics that will still circle back to. What can I do to, to help another person or help myself, first and foremost, as someone who's trying to make that change in life?

[00:47:40] Tracey: Well, we don't get taught how to process or deal with our emotions either. And I don't think, I think there are a lot of people that also quit drinking and I could probably speak of certain ones that don't even realize that their emotions were connected to their drinking. As Kelly has mentioned, I guess that's kind of similar to what a dry drunk is, isn't it Kel 

[00:48:06] Kelly: a dry drunk.

[00:48:07] Tracey: They haven't dealt with the emotional part, right? 

[00:48:09] Kelly: Yeah. It's like, I'm going to quit drinking, but I'm not going to look at why I was abusing alcohol or anything like that. 

[00:48:15] Tracey: Exactly. And I think there are a lot of people that do that. So, I think that when they start having all these emotions after not drinking. They are wondering what the hell is going on? what's wrong with me because I don't think they realize that emotions are even connected to it in the first place. 

[00:48:32] Lindsey: The one with me. 

[00:48:36] Mike: Yeah. Or I still feel a certain way. I definitely would agree that. 

[00:48:42] Lindsey: Yeah, well, I'm sure. Glad I learned about parallelograms in the school. When was the last time you guys used? 

[00:48:49] Kelly: and long division? Did you do long division at work today? 

[00:48:52] Lindsey: Totally did. 

[00:48:53] Kelly: Yeah. Memorize your times tables. 

[00:48:57] Tracey: Well, that can be a whole other topic. 

[00:49:01] Lindsey: Oh boy. 

[00:49:03] Kelly: Yeah. Oh no, Lindsay, I don't know if we, you said, what if we don't know who we are? I feel like we could do a whole episode on that do, but it's like, yeah. I feel like my drinking even to go deeper than saying the emotions, it was because I was numbing my truth. Like my truth was trying to come out. I wasn't living my truth, who I was meant to be that wasn't my life that I was living. So that's what I was numbing. 

[00:49:31] Kelly: Yeah, 

[00:49:32] Lindsey: and that's scary and that's powerful. When that's happening, when you're living the life that your society tells you, you're supposed to be living and you're married, you got the kids, you've got the big, beautiful house and you're like, wait a second. I don't feel so good. Well, what are you? I'm grateful for all of that. so, the easiest thing to reach for is something to numb that feeling, because then you don't have to deal with it. 

[00:49:58] Kelly: You don't have to think about it, 

[00:50:00] Lindsey: think about it, but that is who you really are. And it is trying to come out. And I've learned that a hard way because now 40 years old, I am just learning who I am without substances, without alcohol and learning to live a life to accommodate that.

[00:50:22] Kelly: And it's pretty beautiful to watch my friends. 

[00:50:25] Mike: You easily have another 40 years in you. So, think about it as more than half your life left, 

[00:50:29] Lindsey: right? 

[00:50:30] Tracey: Yeah. 

[00:50:32] Lindsey: Now that I'm not drinking, I'll probably live way longer. 

[00:50:35] Kelly: Yeah. 

[00:50:37] Tracey: Yeah. Your liver thanks you every day, 

[00:50:40] Lindsey: every day, 

[00:50:43] Mike: just get that heartache shit figured out and it'd be 

[00:50:45] Kelly: fine.

[00:50:48] Kelly: We're tough girls. 

[00:50:52] Mike: I'm shocked. That's why I keep saying it. I just like, wait a second. He's never fucking talked about this before heartache, but maybe that's. 

[00:51:01] Tracey: Well, 

[00:51:03] Mike: I think we all have heartache. I've had heartache too. So, I'm in the same boat as you.

[00:51:08] Kelly: I'm not going to say I haven't caused any,

[00:51:10] Lindsey: well, I probably caused some too. Yeah. But, oh man. Yeah, no, that was the easiest thing for me to do. I just reached for the wine and be okay. Yeah. Then you're dealing with it after years later. So, 

[00:51:25] Tracey: well, there's always the aftermath, right? When people said to me, when my dad passed, I can't believe you're not drinking. My thought was like, I would be so much worse if I was drinking a mess, like it in an emotional basket case, I was like, no, the drinking is not going to help me through this. The best thing that I could do for myself is stay sober through this.

[00:51:48] Mike: Yeah. That's when we prolong the healing and that's what it is, right. We go to funerals and how often it’s its food and drinks and let's have a drink and reminisce about the person that's deceased. Right. 

[00:52:03] Tracey: Well, and I don't think I would have been doing my dad justice when he was an alcoholic. And one of the things that I was lucky enough to do, because he was sober when he passed. I was lucky enough to tell him I wasn't drinking anymore prior to him passing. And when he was still, in good mental health that he could comprehend and understand, and he was super happy and super glad I wasn't drinking because he was always concerned about all his kids drinking because of his problems.

[00:52:34] Mike: Yeah. It's daddy bear, protecting his kids. Right. I mean that's 

[00:52:38] Tracey: yeah, no. So, you know, I felt happy that I was there serving him well, not drinking through his celebration of life. 

[00:52:47] Kelly: That's good. Trace.

[00:52:48] Lindsey: Well guys, I think, yeah, I think we've talked about a lot of good stuff and thanks so much for listening. I would love to thank our audience again. And if you think this is helpful, share it with our friends, tag us, screenshot our podcast, share it to your social media stories. Tag us at LAF life podcast and keep on laughing guys. Bye. 

[00:53:12] Closing

[00:53:12] Lindsey: Thank you for listening. Please give us a five-star rating like and subscribe, share on social media, and tell your friends. We love getting your feedback and ideas of what you'd like to hear on upcoming episodes of the laugh life podcast. If you yourself are living alcohol free and want to share your story here, please reach out.