Guest Story Crissy Rodriguez Ep. 16

In Episode 16 we had an amazing conversation with TikTok content creator Crissy Rodriguez. After seeing Crissy across multiple Social Media platforms, we fell in love with her content and we're curious to hear her story.  She has been openly sharing on TikTok & Instagram about  her own experience and what she has discovered about the effects of alcohol. Crissy is a natural storyteller so it's no surprise that the online sober community is flocking to her content! With over 90,000 followers she has found an abundance of support through this online community. Crissy is the kind of guest that will show you it is in sobriety that we truly find ourselves.  She is a real example of what living a beautiful AF (alcohol free) life can look like!

You can find Crissy on TikTok & Instagram @imcrissyrodriguez
https://www.tiktok.com/search?q=imcrissyrodriguez&t=1652735427550
https://www.instagram.com/imcrissyrodriguez/?hl=en

Be a guest on our show https://forms.gle/GE9YJdq4J5Zb6NVC6

Music provided by Premium Beats:https://www.premiumbeat.com
Song: Rise and Thrive
Artist: Young Presidents

Honorable Mentions:
LIVED- New Sobriety App
https://lived.app/
Brene Brown
https://brenebrown.com/
Talking to Strangers, Malcolm Gladwell
https://www.gladwellbooks.com/
Quit like a Woman, Holly Whitaker
https://www.quitlikeawoman.com/
Tempest
https://jointempest.com/resources/list-of-recovery-podcasts-2022/
Thank you  Tawny Lara
https://www.instagram.com/tawnymlara/

**Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this episode are not professional or medical opinions. If you are struggling with an addiction please contact a medical professional for help.

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Tracey: https://www.instagram.com/tnd1274/
Kelly: https://www.instagram.com/pamperedkel/
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**Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this episode are not professional or medical opinions. If you are struggling with an addiction please contact a medical professional for help.

Music provided by Premium Beats: https://www.premiumbeat.com
Song: Rise and Thrive
Artist: Young Presidents

Resources:
Wellness Togethe...

Transcript

Ep. 16 Guest-Crissy Rodriguez

[00:00:00] Intro

[00:00:00] Kelly: Welcome to the laugh life podcast, a lifestyle podcast based on living alcohol free and a booze-soaked world. My name is Kelly Evans and together with my friends, Tracey, Djordjevic, Mike Sutton and Lindsay Harik. We share uncensored. Unscripted real conversations about what our lives have been like since we ditched alcohol and how we got here by sharing our individual stories.

[00:00:26] Kelly: We'll show you that there isn't just one way to do this, no matter where you are on your journey from sober, curious to years in recovery and everyone in between, you are welcome here, no judgment and a ton of support.

[00:00:42] Tracey: Hello, everyone. And welcome to the LAF life podcast. Today is episode 16 and we have a special guest again we're so excited to have Chrissy Rodriguez with us. We came across Chrissy on Tik Tok as she has been posting her story and her journey to sobriety on Tik Tok and we decided we would follow her and see what kind of content she was putting out there. We realized that she really aligned with us here at LAF life. So, Mike was kind enough to reach out to her and ask her if she'd like to be a guest and she kindly accepted. So, we're very excited to have her and hear her story and more about her journey. And I think she's been sobering now a year and a half. Is that right?

[00:01:30] Crissy: Yep. That's exactly right. That's amazing. Thanks. Hi Chris. You're welcome. Hi Chris. I'm so excited to be here. Y'all 

[00:01:38] Lindsey: we're so excited to have you. 

[00:01:41] Tracey: Yes. So, like I mentioned, a lot of the content that you're putting on Tik TOK is really relevant to the things that we've been discussing and talking about on I know you had stuff about anxiety, self care. Your story itself really aligns with some of our stories. So, we're really excited to have you and hear more about you. Let's maybe start with a history of your background. What was kind of your relationship or growing up, with alcohol and where did it all begin?

[00:02:14] Crissy: Yeah. Yeah. I'd love to share that with you. Thanks again for having me, by the way. Yeah. So, I grew up in a very religious, strict household, very black and white. I couldn't even, it was a big deal that I listened to like radio music. My sister was like, I can't believe you can listen to the radio. Didn't celebrate Halloween, very strict. And when that came to alcohol, my mom actually had, my grandpa was an alcoholic, identified ended up passing away from pretty much that because he just stopped eating and was just, he just drank at the end. And so, because of that relationship, my mom had with her dad really intense, really hard. She was like no alcohol in her house period. It was literally nothing. I don't think I even got drunk until I was like 18. Yeah, I'm pretty sure actually. And so, it was very, very, I was scared. I was really, really afraid of it, and I just thought, okay, only bad things are gonna are going to happen to me. And I just kind of lived in that black and white, really super religious world about a lot of things. And so, when I went to college, I would kind of always go back and forth. I would go really, really crazy and then feel so guilty and just pray for forgiveness. I'm just the word, you know, like I was in the, and then I'd go back into not doing anything. And I would swing back and forth. And then finally, when I was around the age of 25, 24, I stopped going to church and I was just like, okay, I have to figure out what my life is for me. And I think in a way of oh, well I can do whatever I want. Now there's no rules. I can buy my own wine at the store. I have my own apartment. And this is like also the first couple of years that I'm out of college, doing my own things and over, 25 to 30, somehow, I became someone who was not just drinking out with friends. I became someone who was really comfortable having it at my house by myself all the time.

[00:04:06] Crissy: And I don't think it ever felt weird. It just seemed like growing up, oh, I'm having, you know, I can buy my own drinks. I can, whatever I'll have guys over. And I'll take care of the drinks, you know? And so, it wasn't until a few years ago, When I started noticing, but I didn't do anything about it. I started noticing, man, I am doing this every single night and I'm doing it every single night. And I'm really, really stressed out at work all the time. I'm living in this world where I'm anxious all day long. I had gotten a really high stress, exciting job opportunity, but it was really just kind of.

[00:04:43] Crissy: Wearing me down emotionally. And so, at night I would just want to disappear. My husband was busy with working on something and tells her I'm just going to drink. I would like literally to drink and watch game of Thrones all night. Like I was just like every night, pretty much. 

[00:04:57] Lindsey: Yeah. That was me. A drinker with a Netflix. 

[00:05:00] Crissy: Yes. And alone. The number of like episodes I missed because I wasn't like really. I would like to be like, where did that end? I, I couldn't remember what happened. I don't remember, not telling anybody any of this. I didn't realize it van, but now I can look back and be like, dang. I was drinking by myself all the time. and my husband wasn't because at the time he was working on a movie, so he's having his friends over there doing stuff. And I'm like, they just see me with a glass of wine in my hand. They don't know how many times I'm refilling it. But I am in the back of my mind already.

[00:05:31] Crissy: I can still remember this girl I followed was a chef or something. I followed her for food content on Instagram and she quit drinking and I unfollowed her on Instagram and she was one of my favorite followers. Cause I was so triggered by all the things she said about how great her life was about alcohol. I was just like, she's the same age as me, right? She's 29 30. I'm like, no, no, no, no. There's but you looked so happy. She had kind of gotten out of this relationship and then gotten into a new one and I was just really happy for her. And I thought, but your life's amazing. Like there's no way, you know? And so, it was one of those moments that I can look back on now and be like, I even knew then, but that was two years ago or three years ago now. I can remember them noticing. And that continued for a while I still had that job, it was, I just was like, I'm not doing anything about this. I physically can't because I was so stressed out. I couldn't even, I remember thinking okay, I'm just going to start meditating and taking walks every day and working out, like I was, I was going to do everything else. I was not going to deal with that. And it wasn't until, so we lived in Nashville at the time when I realized that, and we moved back to Texas because my sister had a baby and I was like, I can't be far. We have to raise our kids near each other kind of thing. So, I come back here and I'm still drinking heavily because everyone I know drinks heavily here too. And I was like, nobody, maybe nobody notices. And I can remember My mental health really started to deteriorate. Then when we moved back here because I had switched jobs, so I didn't have the busy job anymore. I didn't have the anxious, stressed out high-intense job. It had moved to me same company, but like a remote role where I'm just doing like administrative check-in stuff, but I'm still drinking at the same amount. And now I have all this free time and my head started to get really, I started to really struggle with like dissociation. I started to really be like, is life real? Like, not even when I was drinking, when I was sober, just during the day I would be like, life doesn't feel right. I didn't feel like I was there. Like, I really didn't feel like I was living life anymore. It was so weird. I've never experienced that before. And nobody knew what I was talking about. And I was like, I think I'm losing it. And shortly after we moved back here, we got pregnant with us. And I can remember being like, oh, thank God. I won't drink for like 10 months. I was just like; it was a relief. I remember I don't have to worry about my drinking problem for a little bit. Like, I knew I'm protecting her, I'm not doing this, you know? I remember after having her that fear building up again, am I going to turn into that person again? And I'm sure if any of you have taken breaks or gotten pregnant or whatever, you know that when you start again, it's really hard to not be exactly the relationship it was before.

[00:08:09] Tracey: Right. 

[00:08:09] Crissy: And it was. again, I didn't want to deal with it. So, I got into therapy instead, and I was six or seven weeks postpartum. And I told my therapist, I'm here. I need all this help, but I'm not going to quit drinking. I was like, I just want you to know, I don't want you to tell me what to do. Don't tell me to go, which they like she's she was the best therapist for me, because she really never did tell me what to do. She was truly my guide through the process and about four months. So that was in September, in December. I started to little by little, make breakthroughs in therapy.

[00:08:41] Crissy: I started to find some aha moments Ooh, maybe this behavior is linked to this moment in childhood or whatever. And I have some weird stuff with food. I have some weird body stuff. I have a lot of things that I feel like, okay, maybe these are, are bigger than what I'm realizing. Maybe I'm going to, perfectionism or going to my appearance or going to food to fulfill these longings in me that really need to be worked. I told my therapist; I think I'm going to do dry January. I was like, I don't know. And she looked at me like, whoa, girl. And I just, I just was like, but it's, we don't have to, we haven't talked about it. It's not for sure yet. And just as the universe would do, as they do, we went on a family trip and my husband and I kind of get in an argument and I overreact because who knows it'd been a long day and immediately my dad hands me a glass of wine.

[00:09:36] Crissy: And he doesn't like, yes, thank you. Just what I need. And I had just had this moment, wait a second, because I had already been thinking do I go to alcohol for these things? I was like, wait, I'm upset right now. And my husband does the healthy thing. He goes and takes a walk, cause we're kind of like in the cabin in the woods and I'm like, I am drinking.

[00:09:55] Crissy: I immediately want my emotions to go away. I immediately want to not be angry anymore by just not feeling it like, and it just was like, you know, it just was one of those moments that you can't ignore that you're like, okay, this is, this is my, you know, my moment. And so of course I drank on the trip because it wasn't December, or it wasn't January.

[00:10:13] Crissy: And so, I remember being like, okay, I'm just gonna, this is going to be it. And it really was it was technically the trip into January 1st. So really January 2nd is my first day, I guess, but it was a resolve after that trip. I was like, well, I, for sure can't drink in January. I owe myself; I owe myself some exploration here. I think, because I finally wasn't in this stressed-out job because I had been yeah, I'm a new mom, but we're still at home. We still, it's still a pandemic. We still have all this free time. I really was able to kind of sit with my emotions in a new way that I had never done before.

[00:10:45] Crissy: I was able to work through them with a non-biased person, with my therapist, which was great. Like anything went with her, which was awesome. And it allowed me just freedom to fail. Am I allowed to cuss on here? Of course, it just allowed me to just figure shit out. Honestly, and that month I told her, I said, I have to keep going. Like, it was just this inner knowing, honestly, that I just knew, I don't know if this is forever, and I really didn't until probably March. It took me a few months, but I was like, I know that this is what I need right now. It just felt true, you know? And so, we kept going. I uncovered that because I grew up so religious, obviously there's some religious trauma there. I had some just, regular run of the mill stuff and it showed me how long I had been. Just pushing myself into this box to be what people wanted me to be maybe successful or married or what cute or whatever. Like all of this bubbly, like happy, like all these things. And I was like, check, check, check. I'm doing what the world wants. But I was so unhappy. I was so unhappy, and I didn't know why for so many years. And I just kept chasing stuff. I just was like, it's because I'm not fulfilled in work. It's cause I'm single. Okay. I'll get married. And like, I mean, obviously I adore and love my husband. I'm so thankful for him, but I'm, he, wasn't a box to check. Right. Because you know, marriage, you have to show up to it. It can't just be something you you've just receive that you just existed. And it took that relationship being hard for me to be okay, where am I finding fulfillment? Where am I finding validation?

[00:12:23] Crissy: Where am I? I just realized every part of my self-esteem was built in what other people. The thought of me, how they viewed me, how they saw me, and I didn't realize that's why I was so anxious and why I was so depressed because I was putting all my effort into being that person and who I actually was, was just crying on the inside, like stop it, you know?

[00:12:43] Crissy: And so, it took really a few months of just really intense therapy work while sober to see oh, I deserve a fuller life than this. Like I deserve to be able to, to feel my feelings, I should be able to exist presently, and I didn't realize it at the time, but alcohol was not only. Stealing from just my evenings. Cause I would not remember them, but it was pulling from every area in my life. I was making my relationship worse. It was making every mental illness I had too worse. It was making, motherhood so much harder, which is already so hard. Yeah. 

[00:13:18] Lindsey: You're borrowing from tomorrow, right? Like I'm going to, I'm going to numb out today, but what you don't realize is going to suck. Yes. Like it's so hard a debt, you just keep shirt. It's like a debt, two steps forward, three steps back. Bingo. And you can't repay it. Like you literally can't. And, I was like, I kind of had this thought like, okay, well, what if I'm not happy if I quit drinking?

[00:13:42] Lindsey: And I was like, well, I'm not, if you are right now happy now, I'm not happy right now. So, something's got to change. And. My therapist helped. I always told her it was so cheesy, but it really is like, I feel how therapy can really help us. I always felt like I was like, I was just out in the water and there was this light and I swim to it, and it was a lighthouse, and she was, I was like, I just feel like you guided me.

[00:14:04] Crissy: And she was like, whoa, something. People to remember in therapy. It's like, you're your own lighthouse? Like you are that light you're, I'm just, I just had to show it to you, and realizing that I was like, oh shit, okay. I'm in charge of my life now. And I don't think I ever really felt that I don't know if it was the intense, like, I kind of always look to authority to be my guide, like, oh yeah, my parents are these leaders. I never really learned to look inward and to say, this is my life. Like, this is how I want to show up for it. No matter what anybody else thinks, like this is what, this is how I want to be living. And I feel like sobriety just gave me that. It just really helped me find, okay. Things that set my soul on fire. Not like everybody else. 

[00:14:45] Lindsey: I was scrolling through your Instagram last night and I made a couple comments, but oh my God, girl, your content is amazing. One of the things like I had a major aha moment I think it was in one of your reels. You said something about it wasn't ever the alcohol, you were craving. It was the effect of it. And just the feeling like the numbing out and the lowered inhibitions and not having to deal with. Those feelings and emotions. And I was just like, oh my God, none of us are craving the alcohol. We're craving the escape. 

[00:15:21] Crissy: Yes. Every time. Yeah. Yes. 100%. 100%. And I think so many of us live lives that need an escape because working so hard, raising our kids exhausted.

[00:15:33] Crissy: Yeah. You gotta look hot all the time, all the time who defines what's hot. Right? It's like all these things that happened to be successful. I have to be beautiful. I have to be a great mom. I have to be all these things. And then we have all of these messages of. That looks like, right? Like good mom shows up this way, or a good worker shows up this way. And when you are constantly shoving yourself in those boxes, which you can do for a while, you outgrow them and it gets uncomfortable and it's like, you can kind of numb how uncomfortable it is for awhile. Like you can just keep squishing yourself to the sides. And finally, I thought like, why am I doing this?

[00:16:11] Crissy: Why am I trying to be this person? And is it even worth it to me? Is this who I want to be in 10 years? That was the question that I really like when I would put my daughter to. And then I would get drunk. And I remember texting my friends and being like, I don't want to be a drunk mom. I can't be a drunk mom. Like it just still makes my heart sing. It makes my tears like, because I just think I can't show up for my kid this way. You know, she's only four months old at the time my friends were like, you're not going to be a drug mom. You're going to beat her. And I'm just like, but what if I'm still doing this when she's 10? Right? When she doesn't go to bed at seven or seven 30, is this what I want her to feel like she needs to show up as it just kind of all the sudden my life stopped being like what I need in that exact moment. And it became like a whole person event. Like my past self, my future, my future self. I was like, I want freedom for the woman who's going to exist in 10 years to write. 

[00:17:04] Lindsey: That's beautiful. 

[00:17:05] Tracey: That's amazing. Yeah. It's so liberating, isn't it? Yeah. When you just free yourself from it. 

[00:17:11] Crissy: Yeah, because it's just, I felt like so many people, again, we all live really intense lives a lot, a lot of, especially in the west, you know, it's just a really drive hustle culture kind of thing. And I think if. So often if you're not living up to it or you don't look like other people, you internalize it so much. And you just shame yourself into believing that if you were better or you were like somebody else, your life would be good, but really creating a good life is, can be done just in your little home, like in your own little piece, like you don't have to have this. I mean, I think it's really obvious when celebrity divorces have higher divorce rates, rich people, like we see it are sharing the time, you know, that like privileged doesn't mean happiness on every, every which way. Right. But we still chase it. We still run for all these things we can grab. Instead of ourselves, instead of actually just being ourselves, learning who we are and what, brings us joy. And I think alcohol helps us. Forget that forgetting. If you get drunk with your coworkers at happy hour, you don't have to think about how much you hate your boss and your job and how exhausted you are.

[00:18:21] Lindsey: You guys can all talk about it and laugh about how much you yeah, for sure. 

[00:18:25] Crissy: And like before you know, it a year has gone by and you're still doing it, you're still doing it every time. And then I went to a baby shower last weekend and there's nobody was even drinking, but there is mimosa there you know? And I think it's just that cycle of it will make things fun. It will be better. And I felt like sobriety made me ask that question of, well, if an event's really that fun, why do I need to be drunk to be at it? 

[00:18:50] Lindsey: Oh, I've said that before too. And I mean, think about this. Are they doing crack at the? Right. 

[00:18:59] Crissy: I thought that as I was driving home, I was like, I, and by the way, there are people that do crack cocaine recreationally. So, like, that's how it is with alcohol. It's just so, so it's normalized. So don't post pictures on Instagram. It's so crazy. I was thinking about this the other day. I don't know, like what content y'all that gets interacted with sometimes, but like, I'll get comments of people being like, well, so you just think we should just prohibit alcohol sales.

[00:19:28] Crissy: I'm like, no, I think we've probably shouldn't have commercials 24 7. I don't think, you know, a Budweiser commercial needs to make you cry stuff. Like it's just like, alcohol is part of our culture now. And that's where it's so hard to be sober because people think that you've literally can't exist.

[00:19:48] Crissy: If you don't drink. They're like, well, bingo, do you have fun? And I'm like, do we not? Do any of us not question that the only thing that we know to have fun is drinking. We don't actually like, cause drinking itself, isn't an activity. Like it's a drink. You wouldn't say drink. Soda is like, you know, but that escaping numbing collectively is a hobby. It helps us if you do anything together, it kind of seems more fun, right? Like it's, it seems better. And not to say that I didn't have some definitely very fun nights with drinking, but I was thinking about this last night. I was like, if I added up every single night, and every single time I was looking for fun and the times that I actually got. Not even close, you know, 

[00:20:32] Lindsey: most of the times that I drank, because it's almost like I don't have an off switch. If I'm having a glass of wine, I'm drinking the entire bottle and I'm absolutely another one, but it's like the end of the night was never fun. If I really think about it, I never had fun first. I probably couldn't remember half of the stupid shit I did. And then I'm like, I did what, oh my God, the next day, I've got to check my phone and be like, where's my phone. First of all, let's look through the text messages. Oh my God. And your heart just drops in your stomach. Like so triggered. I gotta make this better. Ah, like that's not fun. That is not fun. Instagram stories. 

[00:21:13] Tracey: How much are you remembering of the fun 

[00:21:16] Crissy: literally I think of so many stories that I look back on fondly, when I used to go visit, I have some friends that used to live in New York, so I'd go visit them. I'd be like, well, you know, New York bars are open till four and I'm blacked out by 11 or whatever. Just thinking about that now. And, and all the vacations. I mean, I spent a day of every vacation I've ever gone on hung over at least, and I just am like, what, it's interesting that we're taught that that cost is, is worth exactly what you said. A couple hours of fun. You may remember, maybe not it's it just was, it was something that my husband kind of, he doesn't really drink a lot. Well, he doesn't drink at all now pretty much, but before I quit drinking, he barely drank. And that was one of them. It was like something that we just didn't talk about because it was weird. My family, we would all go to dinner, all order a drink. Doesn't matter what night of the week, if we're all going out, we're ordering. And he would always order Coke. Cause he's I don't know. He's weird. He's like just wasn't going to drink unless it was gonna be really fun. Cause he didn't want to pay the consequences. He just really always was like, it's just not worth it to me. And I remember being that's so strange. I don't get it.

[00:22:24] Crissy: My husband, what I've learned from him a lot. We're in misses his office right now. He has guitars. He has hobbies. He has things he's really interested in. And he's always been, he's always been a really passionate person. And I feel like I got to witness that a little bit and it made me uncomfortable, but that uncomfortable helped me feel so comfortable knowing I was going to get sober around him.

[00:22:44] Crissy: You know what I mean? It was like when I was drinking, I was like, he's always ordering Coke out at dinner and I'm always ordering wine. That's weird. But but I didn't want to say anything about it. He was really the one that felt weird. Cause all five of us or six of us would order. But when I got sober, it was such a breath of fresh air because that's the scariest part. People ask me that all the time, what do you do if your partner is still drinking a lot? And I was like, he was really the reason I was able to notice how much my drinking was different and really how much my family's drinking was different because even though we didn't drink in our house at all, once we all were 21, I'm the youngest. So. I finally turned 21, I guess we all started drinking together. And that was like just pretty, pretty, pretty wild. We didn't really have any kind of limits around that. And when my husband finally came into the scene a few years ago, I think it showed us all, but we just didn't say it like, oh, okay. That's, that's interesting. We're not going to discuss that, but it helped me now., he drinks my alcohol-free beers or non-alcoholic ones. He throughout our liquor the other day, just cause he was like, why do we have this? He was like, I don't want to have this. I was like, okay, cool.

[00:23:48] Crissy: I didn't want to force it because occasionally we have people over and I don't know if they want it, I guess like, and he was like, I don't want it. Let's get rid of it. I wanted to play like that. What a man. So,

[00:23:59] Tracey: so, did he ever say anything to you about your drinking then Chrissy, when you were drunk? 

[00:24:04] Crissy: So, he did not say anything like you need to drink less or whatever, but he did hold me accountable because a few times, we would fight when I was drinking. And I would get a little, I just was a little more, obviously a little more irritable, a little more whatever. And if something it's, I can remember one of the biggest fights we got into it was so stupid. I just made him go out with me and my mom and my friends, and he didn't want to, and I just was like, come out with us or whatever. And then of course I got drunk and was an asshole and pretty much ignored him the whole night.

[00:24:38] Crissy: I'm like, why don't you just be social like me, but he didn't even want to come. And I was very mature. I've grown since then. But we, we came back, and we got in a really big fight. And I remember the next day just knowing I was wrong, the whole, I was taking a shower and I was just like, why would I do that? And I just, realized that I didn't know how to express myself. I didn't know how to say so many things. And instead of saying them, instead of. Being honest, am I relationship? I would just ignore it. I would just push it down and then I would drink later and then it would still come out.

[00:25:09] Crissy: So, I was like, how do we meet, what are we doing this isn't helping. Yeah. And I just, I think that was a big sticking point for me. It was blacking out for sure. Was woof being really intense for me. I would have I would start blacking out after a glass or two of wine. I think my brain had just gotten so used to it that it was just like, oh, this is what we're doing. That was really intense for me. And then we would get in fights, and I would wake up knowing we got in a fight, but not knowing what it was about. Just knowing I was wrong and that felt weird. And then I would get sick so often and I would hide it from him. I would throw up, but not tell him that I threw up because I didn't want him to know that I got that drunk, and so he was always really, really kind with. And, and he still, even now, like he just, he won't talk shit. He's just so nice. he has an ex-wife, and he won't talk shit about her. Even if they had bad stuff, he was like, whatever, but I met you now. So, you know, like, and so when it comes to my drinking, he was like, you know, he said, it was, he said, I knew you were drinking a lot. And I was like, oh, you did how'd. You know he was like; I knew you were drinking a lot. But he said, I also know that you don't have to shame someone or hurt them in order to get them to change. He said, but in the same way, if you said things that were hurtful to me, I was also going to bring them to you and we're going to work through that as well.

[00:26:29] Crissy: And so that was like, I think, because we had that safety where I was like, okay, he's choosing to be vulnerable with me about stuff that I've hurt him about. So, I'm going to be vulnerable about this. I'm really scared about this stuff, but I think. I think it could be positive for us and it definitely, it has been, so our relationship is so much better, and we didn't even have a bad relationship.

[00:26:49] Crissy: I just think I wasn't communicating at all. I was just living, living in my head, which is a dangerous place to be because there's no other, there's no balance. Right. It's just, you, you can kind of create your own story. And I think alcohol helped show me that I was doing that and, I just knew, okay.

[00:27:09] Crissy: I don't want to do all of these things and I do all of them when I drink, no matter. So, if I don't want to be doing those things, I think that I shouldn't be drinking. It was just kind of a real softness with me. I was saying earlier, I just don't deserve to feel this way. And, I think like anyone, I didn't want alcohol to be the reason, but it was, oh yeah.

[00:27:30] Crissy: That. It's like this fight with yourself. 

[00:27:35] Tracey: Well, and I can relate to, a big motivation for me was my daughter too. I didn't want to be a certain type of mother for her either, or example, because when I got into my more intense drinking, my daughter was old enough to witness it. Yeah. You know and be aware. So that was like, she's still young enough that I can change this. Yes, of course. To have little impact on her life that hopefully, even though I was a good mom and did lots with her. Oh yeah, no, the only thing she was going to remember about me, wasn't going to be that I drank wine, but still I had that in my head that I didn't want that to be an idea she had about. That mom's sitting on the couch, drinking wine every night or whatever, and also, I didn't want to repeat a cycle for her. I didn't want that to become her life. I wanted to be an example. I could say, I made mistakes, I made poor choices and I took control of my life and made the decision to change them and turn it around. And that's the example I wanted it to be for her. 

[00:28:42] Crissy: So beautiful. And that, I mean, I feel like a lot of examples I were given with you should just be this, don't be this, be this. I didn't have a lot of people. No, it's okay. You're most likely gonna fuck up a little bit and then you'll figure it out. And even my dad, before my parents got married, my dad had a crazy pass, but he just wasn't allowed to tell me about it. Or like my parents had sex before they were married. They broke all the Christian rules. They didn't even tell me that. My mom said, we're not telling Chrissy, it was this I lived in, I literal not reality, when my husband and I started dating, I'd love him. It wasn't my first relationship. And so, we've had to figure a lot of stuff out. And he said a lot of times when you. Think of something in your head, like an experience, he said, you think of the movie experience. You don't think of real life. And I realized the way I was sheltered and mind you, I haven't been to church like seven or eight years, but it sticks with you that stuff, the way you form ideas about the world. I realized in my little shelter perspective, I really wasn't given a lot of a normal life is really kind of like up and down. There's gray. It's not really black and white. I was kind of given, this is the trajectory and it's just about a, being about a boom. You achieve this. Life's perfect and great. And it really wasn't until about like five years ago, my parents started having marriage problems and they're, they're divorced now. And my dad's been way more open with me about just everything. Right. And seeing that and understanding what he had to sacrifice in order to teach me about checking off. All of these boxes really helped me understand, what life is really about, how much more important it is. Cause for him in his sixties, he's having this, he has his own company and it's doing, it's done well, it's like over a decade old. And he's like, we have this money, and we have this house. And he said, I create all these things. And he too, he was like, I'm not happy. He was like, this is not happy for me. And having my dad tell me that in his sixties, I was like, oh, okay. I. Chase a false dream. I can't, I don't want to live my life like that. And so that honesty, he's still on his, he drinks, and he tells me he's very honest with me about like his struggles with it and stuff. And I feel like, because he's honest with me, it's helped me stay sober and be kind of an example to him and also just know, okay, I have a moment here too. He’s broke the cycle in the sixties. I'm breaking it in my thirties, and I can do something different for my kid. 

[00:31:02] Kelly: Yeah, that's amazing. I can relate so much to your story, Chrissy. Especially the hustle being caught up in the hustle. And I realized not that long ago that I was just so focused on my external world and not my internal world. It was like, let's make some more money, so we can do this thing and have this thing, buy a house, buy a cottage, you know, all that stuff. But yeah, it's like, what's going on the inside? Oh, I forgot. there is an inside, I'm just going to numb it all out for, my whole adult life. Yeah. 

[00:31:30] Crissy: You're like you forget that you have a body that you're going to have feel emotions, whether or not you want to talk about them or deal with them. And I feel like it will just catch up to you. It just will, and I can see it now. The beautiful and painful part of growing up is watching everybody else grow up to and watching your, aunts and uncles and grandparents, and watching them go through life and being, and having awareness of who really is happy and who really satisfied and being oh, I can, pinpoint, moments of, of what that feels like for myself and watching my uncles and my aunts and seeing everyone in my family on my, on my dad's side drinks a lot, we're Mexican. And so, you know, I took shots of tequila with my uncles and my graduation and everything, and knowing okay, this is, this is something a lot of us are doing. We have, if you look at my mom's side and my dad's side, just trauma up and down just hard lives, hard lives as a lot of boomers had and their grandparents and Americans, you know, a lot of pain. To each other and from other people, and you can see this, we're just going to keep working and keep drinking and live for the weekend or live for vacations or live for retirement. But nobody's living for right now, the version of themselves that is existing right now. And I was like, I don't know if I'm going to have all of that, 20 or 30 years down the line, like what about now? And so, yeah, it's exactly what you said. You keep trying to make more money, you keep trying to climb and then it nothing works. It's not working anymore. None of that stuff will make you how it works when you're like 22, you know, you're like, oh, just cute. Because you can believe that the hustle will work. But I feel like as you get into your thirties and your forties, you're like I don't believe you guys. I, I, this is not working for me. And I feel like it's such a lonely decision, but it's really not. If you start talking to people, they'll, they'll agree with you. They just don't believe that alcohol could be the thing, making it worse. They think alcohol is a thing, relieving them from all the other hard shit. 

[00:33:33] Kelly: Right? 

[00:33:34] Tracey: Yeah. Sometimes it's just about going back to the little things, as simple as that is the age-old expression, just to enjoy the little things. And Mike said it before too, sometimes we need to scale life back to simpler times and simpler things. We are so caught up in the go, go of the world today. That it is a lot on everyone. But that's something that I was interested in knowing if you've had any of this Chrissy, since, you've made it kind of public your story and your journey, and you're sharing it on a bunch of different platforms is have you had people kind of not take your sobriety or, you choosing to be alcohol free that serious?

[00:34:20] Crissy: You know, at first, I think it was awkward for my family. Cause we all drink all the time together. And., I think they all just were like, you know, alcohol is a little weird, you know, like they, they didn't really know what to say to me. My close family and my extended family my uncles are always like, oh, okay let's switch topics because I think it is a little triggering when someone in your life gets sober. If you have a lot of drinking in your life yourself, I think you automatically turn the camera to yourself. You're like, are they, are they looking at my drinking? Not realizing that, no, I'm just thinking about myself. Don't even worry, but it's definitely been uncomfortable. I think the first couple months people. I would say like, oh, you're oh, you're still sober. Oh, okay. Like thinking like it's just right now, it's just whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, okay. You're still not drinking. Okay. Just thinking like still not doing the drinks. Yes, exactly. Like, oh, okay. Just kind of uncomfortable, like oh, good to know. And now one of the benefits of being so open on social media, which I've always been a pretty wordy person.

[00:35:28] Crissy: And always tried to show up as my most vulnerable, I feel like sober, sober me has really stripped me back in a good way. I'm like, yeah, this is the real stuff. And because of that, I feel like it's actually helping me create relationships that are just rooted in that one of my friends that I've been reconnecting with, we were friends in sixth grade.

[00:35:46] Crissy: We just kind of lost. Just one of those randoms and a random little life that we found our way back to each other. And it was so nice, going to dinner with her because I know she's not going to order a drink. I know it's she knows who I am already and where I'm at in life. And so, it has definitely made relationships different for a lot of, I think. My parents got divorced, right after I got sober, like a month and a half after they separated, it's made family functions different, but that's also helped because it made me be a little bit more honest about where I'm uncomfortable around my family or like, oh, I don't really, this is maybe overstimulating.

[00:36:21] Crissy: This is overwhelming. This, this, this environment. Maybe we're going to leave earlier. And while that was uncomfortable at first, I can remember going to my dad's birthday dinner and asking my husband, hey, can you not drink when we go? Is that okay? I felt really uncomfortable and now I'm just like, whatever, I'm not drinking.

[00:36:36] Crissy: That's not going to be something I'm not, I don't provide alcohol at my house., I'm not going to be in charge of it. If that's something for you, that's totally dope, but that's not, what I'm going to be in charge of anymore. And as weird as it's been like it was isolating at first now it's kind of like a throwing my net out there, like this is who I am and if you guys, yeah, exactly. Cause now it feels like not something I have to come out about. It's just, this is just who I am. This is what I do. And this is how I show up as the best version of myself. So, I think if there was someone that pushed back on that it would be like, oh, well that's okay, that's your life. It just it's been so empowering to be this Chrissy, like who I really am. That it, it has, it really put me in a lot of situations where I've had to defend my actions because. Choose to be. So, I'm sometimes a little too honest and a little too, just like, yeah, well it's poison, you know, so I don't really want to do, 

[00:37:35] Lindsey: I love that.

[00:37:37] Crissy: So, you know, just because I don't know. I just think life is just like way too short to not just be hell yes, about what you're going to do. You know? And we're not super busy. we do not do a ton because our yeses are hell yeses. Like we want to be near if we show up, and that's a big thing.

[00:37:53] Crissy: I don't think so many people, so many people say yes to all these parties and all these things and drink at them and then embarrass ourselves. Cause they think, oh, I have to go to this place to make friends. This is what social people do. Like I can still remember a new year's party. I dragged my husband to that we didn't really want to go to, but we just thought we had to do something on these. This year when we went to bed at like 10:00 PM, I don't care. I literally just don't care anymore. I'm like, I want to show up in places where we are full, and we are ourselves and we're having fun. And if that doesn't happen, all the time, that's okay. I don't need to force it. I feel like that's a lot of it is you're forcing yourself to, to fit or to be fun, I guess.

[00:38:32] Lindsey: I don't know. And the expectations to its others' expectations. You have to do something on new year's no, you are freaking don't. You can go to bed at 10, you know, you just gotta do what aligns with you and makes you feel happy and full and just like 

[00:38:49] Crissy: 100%. Yeah. That's, what's been, I feel like the most freeing part of sobriety is just figuring that out, and I feel like for me, at least I'm sure y'all can relate. Sobriety is kind of a rare decision for most people. And so, it put me in this lane of, okay, well, I don't really care if I do anything. That's kind of weird for me to do now. I started roller skating last year and I'm not very good at it. And I'm like in my thirties, so my hips are not great, but I don't care.

[00:39:16] Crissy: I, I have such a good time. Like my husband's skateboarding, he did get a little hurt, so he needs to recover, but it's just like, that's just how we're living our life now, do literally do what makes you happy because, and actually happy like you said, Tracey, not living for all these future passes. What about right now? Like what, in this little moment, whatever it is, little joys, little simplicities, what actually makes me feel peaceful. I feel like sobriety has just given me time to figure that out too. You know, you have so much more free time if you're not blacking out every single night.

[00:39:49] Crissy: And so, I had to find hobbies. I had to have interests, which I literally didn't have. I didn't even, I don't know when I got there, maybe it was because I was working so much, but I just, I really did just kind of become a person that I, I sort of felt like in amoeba, like I just was like, I don't know who I am. I'm just an orb. I'm just, I'm here. Right. I'm just floating. I'm just checking the boxes. And now it feels like, oh, I have a little bit of, of defining lines around me. I know what I'm interested in. I know what makes me feel good and that, I don't think I really could pinpoint those needs before.

[00:40:26] Tracey: You're present now you're showing up, right? 

[00:40:28] Crissy: Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly. 

[00:40:31] Tracey: That's what sobriety gives you is the ability to be present. We've talked many a times about how people think that drinking connects you when really it 

[00:40:40] Crissy: A hundred percent. Yeah. 

[00:40:43] Tracey: Even to your self, I mean, that's what you're doing when you're drinking is completely disconnecting yourself to the inside of yourself.

[00:40:51] Tracey: Yeah. 

[00:40:51] Kelly: I feel like it's, it gives you that superpower, the way you describe it, Chrissy figuring out what your hobbies are and your roller skating and everything. It's like, what you like to do. Doesn't have to look like what anybody else does, and I feel like, today's Sunday, we're recording on Sunday. And this morning on my Instagram, it was like mimosa and all that shit. And it's like, okay, we're having brunch. So, we have to have mimosas. It's like, why, why now they can nobody's questioning it. It's just happening. It's known, kind of doing what everybody else is doing. Isn't always the healthiest or the best decision.

[00:41:29] Crissy: Yeah. And it's all the time I can remember going out on Saturday night being hung over but making it for brunch on Sunday. And I would only go somewhere that had unlimited mimosas. It was, it's so weird. How, even people who wouldn't say they had a problem with drinking. Are always getting drunk when they go out, it's and I feel like that's, I have conversations you know, and take talking. People will be like, most people just socially drink. And I'm like, when we're socially drinking, we're getting wasted. I don't know anyone that goes out and doesn't have three or four drinks to say, oh, I can't stop it too. Yeah. Because your brain turns off. Of course, you can't stop it too. I think that's where a lot of people feel shame is like, I can't just have one or two. There must be something wrong with me. And I'm like, well, the part of your brain responsible for making decisions is, is slowly going off offline when you're drinking. So, it's kind of unfair to ask a drunk person to make a sober person decision, for anyone, for anyone. And so, I feel like there is this idea that if you're going to a bar, you're going to get drunk.

[00:42:28] Crissy: I don't know many people who want to go out and have a free fun night that are just like, oh, I'm just going to have one beer. And so because that culture is so pushed, it's like, yeah, yeah, this will feel good. And then it's like, yeah, brunches are part of it. It's part of the experience. We're not even realizing, I can be very honest here and say, I remember so many times internally, my heart racing after I drank champagne, every time I got a headache and my heart raced, but I was like, oh my brunch. I remember, I'd just be like, I bet if I just get drunk, it'll feel better. Or maybe if I just keep drinking water, my headache will go away. Can I have it while I'm drinking? And I it's just, again, forcing yourself to have fun. It's just going to be fun if I just keep doing. 

[00:43:10] Kelly: Yeah, cause that's what everybody else is doing. And that's what the Instagram feed says to do. 

[00:43:14] Crissy: Yeah. It's everywhere. Yeah. 

[00:43:17] Lindsey: Sobriety is almost viewed as a punishment to like a bad thing, right? One of the things that I don't know, I saw it on your Instagram again. I'm referring to your Instagram. It was about the sobriety journey and not hating yourself for having to have it because it's one of the most beautiful things that you can do for yourself.

[00:43:37] Lindsey: And you refer to it as a radical act of self-love. And I was like, damn my God. That was so good. It's not a punishment. Radical act of self-love yes. That sink in. Yeah.

[00:43:54] Crissy: And that's what it was for me. Cause I felt like a lot of people are like, well, because I got sober, I'm proud of myself. So therefore, I love myself. And that just is like, no that's no, no, no, because I love myself because I want to prioritize myself. I am not going to drink something that makes me hate myself. Yeah. That it comes from loving yourself. First. It comes from believing that you are worth not having this 

[00:44:18] Lindsey: you're worthy. 

[00:44:19] Crissy: Brene brown used to say. When you numb the good you numb the bad too. Or when you numb the bad, you numb the good too, you can't just like pick can't choose you. Can't choose you can't choose one part of your life to be celebrated with alcohol and then another part to be forgotten.

[00:44:35] Crissy: Right? Like it's all just going to kind of become a must. Yeah. And I realized that not only like was alcohol making me hate myself. But even the aftereffects were making it impossible to do things that would feel good. Even when you're not drinking, I'm too tired. I'm too nauseous. I'm too exhausted to, to pour into myself and to believe that I'm worth it.

[00:44:59] Crissy: It's like pulling all my energy out of me. And so, for me, yeah, sobriety is not a punishment. I genuinely I've had this question before someone said Well, if you didn't have a problem, would you go back to drinking? And I'm like, no, I genuinely don't want to be drunk. I don't want to be hung over. I think I have been able to find in sobriety what I always wish I would have found in drinking. 

[00:45:21] Lindsey: it's too good. It's too good. Oh my gosh. 

[00:45:27] Crissy: I love y'all. But yeah, that's what it was for me. I wanted all these things. I wanted this joy, one of these pieces, and I think a hard part for sobriety for a lot of people is the real truth is that life is hard. You're going to have hard days. You're a human being. And so often people have those hard days and think that I'm broken. They think I'm broken. I have to go back to drinking I'm I can't handle it, but you really, really can. You can handle the hard you can handle the struggles and the more that you do it without alcohol, the more you realize that you can do it without alcohol. You just have to show yourself for me, we talk about all my tech talk and subsequently my Instagram a lot, like loving my future self, like this being a gift to future me. Who's still me who still gets it. And that's really how sobriety started. I remember at night I didn't know what to do and I didn't know what to do with my free time. And I thought, okay, well maybe I can do some yoga. Maybe I can journal. I don't know. I really had no idea. And I remember even back then getting myself to do yoga and hearing. I feel like I have an inner teenager. You know, people always talk about the inner child. I feel like my inner teenager is the one who's really given me the most SAS in there.

[00:46:31] Crissy: And I don't want to do this. I don't want to do stupid can yoga. I don't want to stretch. I don't want to breathe. I can remember feeling that way. And I would like, I would sit with my brain like a crazy person. I'd say, listen, we are not doing yoga for the version of ourselves that exists. Now we are doing yoga for all 24 hours of us because this practice breathing slowing down. My whole self. It helps all of me, even if these 20 minutes feel annoying at first. And if people can, can really start to understand that that's really what sobriety is, is pushing through the uncomfortable to get too real the real joy. But you are going to have to be uncomfortable. Life is uncomfortable and alcohol doesn't take that uncomfortable away.

[00:47:13] Crissy: It doesn't make it not exist. It doesn't make life easy. It just makes you forget for a few hours that life's hard and then amplifies it. Yes. Oh my gosh. 20 times worse, it makes dealing with life so much harder the next day. I mean, tiny things rubbing the wine off my teeth and my lips and, just trying to not look hung over and, and always being like, oh gosh, I hope people don't know I'm drunk.

[00:47:38] Crissy: I never have to worry about that stuff anymore. I'm so much less anxious, I don't even have to worry how fast I'm, I'm sure you guys know, like, you'd finish your drink so much faster than other people constantly do people notice I'm refilling. Those are things I don't have to worry about anymore. And you don't realize how many things you're worrying about. You don't realize almost this, really this cycle, like you were talking about the paying the debt back to yourself. It's this cycle of, oh, this will make me feel good right now. And then having to pay back for it over and over and over again, and just feeling that mountain, 

[00:48:09] Kelly: it's exhausting.

[00:48:11] Crissy: Oh God. Yeah. I was so exhausted. I don't think I sleep so great every single night now. I'm like a rock. It is insane. Sometimes I wake up. My hands are asleep, but I can remember before that waking up in the middle of the. Going to bed. I don't even know most nights remembering if I went to bed or not, and the way I would wake up in the mornings and the, I would be sort of confused most mornings, sort of like this and sort of not ready for any day to come.

[00:48:41] Crissy: Never really felt rested. Kind of always just felt a little jittery, a little worried automatically. If that makes sense, the day will just start and I'd be like, I'm worried. I don't know what's wrong, but I'm worried. And not understanding that the stuff from the night before was constantly catching up to me and constantly pushing me into the state.

[00:49:00] Crissy: And it, it it's so. I got sober when my daughter was like four months old. And when she was eight months old, we lost childcare. And so, me and my husband had to start taking care of her. We work from home remote, but obviously it was still a big shock. And I just think I could have never done this. If I didn't get sober, I was drinking a little bit, before we had a nanny, but it was still kind of my work wasn't that busy. So, life, it was kind of like manageable and after I got sober and she came home with us full-time and she's at this point, you know, from four to eight months for babies, at least is like such a crazy switch. I just remember thinking I would not be able to show up for her this fully. I would not want to take her to the zoo and do all these things and be, I literally wouldn't have the energy to get, to have this relationship with her, and that we've had, and that, I think that was such a cool moment.

[00:49:48] Crissy: I remember when my husband called me, I was on my way back from a wedding and he was like, we're not going to have the nanny or whatever. And I was like, it'll be okay. I was like, yeah, you know what? That's fine. I literally was like, that's fine. I thought we have figured out so much at this point. We'll figure that out. It was so I've never reacted to that. Anything like that in my entire life. But sobriety almost made me excited to be in uncomfortable situations because I was like, I bet I can fuck handle it. I think I got it now, and I've never felt that way. I've pretty much had imposter syndrome my whole life.

[00:50:18] Crissy: Every time I've been trying to be as good as people thought I was because maybe if they thought I was amazing, then I actually would believe it. But really, it's because I just didn't know what happier, amazing looked like for me, it's like, I was trying really hard to be that person.

[00:50:36] Crissy: So of course, I felt like an imposter. All the time and it's been one of those things where it's like, oh no, I'm not the mom. That's going to do crazy outfits and crazy hair all the time or anything like that. But I can 100% show up for her and play with her a lot outside and have the energy for it. And it's just liked the simplest, joy in the world is so much more fulfilling now. 

[00:50:56] Tracey: Well, I know you talked on Instagram, and this is something we've talked about a lot too, because we all have suffered from anxiety, but we talked about, well, I guess the coin term is hangxiety which. I didn't even know existed until I did this podcast.

[00:51:15] Crissy: A lot of people don't, 

[00:51:16] Tracey: I don't know about you, but when I was drinking, I didn't even realize that the drinking was contributing to my anxiety until the very end, like close to me wanting to stop drinking. And then of course it was Mike actually that brought it to my attention that it might be directly related because he had experienced that with his drinking, that it was increasing his anxiety. And I was like, exactly, I can relate to what you're saying, how you woke up Chrissy, because I woke up every day with anxiety and I was like, someone who only experienced anxiety previously, under stressful situations, you know, really upsetting situations. So, and then now all of a sudden, I'm having it every day and I didn't honestly. know until I stopped. And I realized then obviously when I wasn't having it anymore. Oh my gosh. I can't believe how much this was contributing to it. And then, like I said, in doing this podcast and all of us coming together and having similar experiences and doing a little more research on things, I realized that's actually something that exists. It's a real thing. It's not just something that, we're going through and making up in our heads. 

[00:52:33] Crissy: No, it's not made up at all. You know, it's funny, every time I make a video, it could be word for word, the exact same video about hangover anxiety. It will go viral every time. I can explain it every time and it will go viral because nobody knows that alcohol is a depressant is a depressant to our nervous system. And in response to that, our nervous system releases cortisol and adrenaline, which are. And it keeps releasing those. It will release them well into the next day, your body, right? Cause your body alcohol, that homeostasis that we're meant to have that balance. Alcohol throws it out of whack with that. It's our body's like, oh, it's kind of like people who pass out from drinking are not asleep, right. They're literally there, they're offline and the body is trying to do everything it can to not get to that point to not, lose itself basically. And so, it's just flooding our system with cortisol and adrenaline, and about five hours after we go to sleep, that alcohol is worn off, but those stimulants are still pumping. I don't know if you guys would ever wake up in the middle of the night. Really, really anxious. So that's also alcohol. It's just this return. It's the debt. It's, that's the debt you have to pay. And man hangover, anxiety, especially like 28, 29 30, like the last few years of my drinking, literally makes me like, hold my hands tight because it was so bad.

[00:53:48] Crissy: My friends and I would just be locked in our rooms under blankets. Just couldn't sleep. Couldn't sleep off the hangover. Couldn't eat off the hangover, just. Circles of ourselves, negative thoughts, shame spirals. One of my other friends would call it the hangover blues, because she would just really hate herself. And it was just this realization of oh, I'm just having hangover, anxiety really bad. Not realizing that alcohol will cause that stimulant rise every time we might not always feel it, but it will do that every time because your body is trying to keep you awake. It is trying to keep you alive.

[00:54:24] Crissy: And once I realized oh, there's no outrunning this, like, there's not a way to like trick it. I am going to get hangover, anxiety every time. And that means it's going to make my baseline anxiety higher, which like you Tracey I remember I accidentally, I remember being 25 and thinking, I don't know if I've really ever had anxiety, but really, I was just so busy that I never let myself see if I was ever anxious.

[00:54:50] Crissy: I realized in the next few years, as I drank more and got more stressed with life, oh, all I had was anxiety. All I was, I was a little ball, a nerve. I would be really personal and really bubbly. And I'd be friends with all these people. So, they've been scared. I was nervous, but I was really nervous.

[00:55:06] Crissy: And I feel like I use that alcohol to kind of cover that, but then the next day, not only am I just, if I'm drinking alone, I'm just anxious. But if I went out, all I could think about was what did I say? Oh God, I hope they didn't think I was stupid. I can still remember going to New York, hanging out with a whole bunch of people. And there was this guy there who he was big on a social media app at the time. And I just thought he was so funny. I was, oh my gosh. I thought he was so funny. So, I went up to him and I was drunk, and I was like, I think I quoted something that he had said once. And he liked did not take it. Well, he did not think of it as fun. It was very embarrassing. He was like, you shouldn't say that. And I was just like, oh, I was like, I thought it was complicated. Yeah. It was so awkward. I still remember it because I can just remember. I didn't even tell any of my other friends about it. I didn't want them to think he was mean or like that he was mean to me, like.

[00:55:57] Crissy: Became, oh my gosh. Okay. Okay. Okay. I didn't impress someone. I should, you know, whatever. And I think like alcohol was constantly, I was constantly being put in those situations when I drank, because I, there were, there's always going to be people you look up to and that you're excited to talk to. And when you're drunk, you're you, your embarrassment is turned off. It's still going to be there later when it's turned off for just a second. And so, some things you want to do, you do them, but not really the way that you would do them, not really how you would show up because part of your brain drops. So, it's kind of, it, it was always this thing of well, I did want to do that, but not like that, and, and thinking like, but you kind of need alcohol to show up that way and giving myself the chance now to like, I'm just going to show up as myself.

[00:56:39] Crissy: I'm not second-guessing interactions. If people like them, they like them. If they don't, that's also okay. Just finding a little more peace. Like a lot of people say, well, be confident without alcohol. I'm like, well, you have to just start being okay with who you are. First. You have to stop trying to be confident with alcohol, because are any of us really confident with alcohol?

[00:56:58] Crissy: If we're embarrassed about it the next day? Like, oh, so good. But yeah, that hangover anxiety every time I don't think I towards especially if I went out with friends, like we would have me and two of my girlfriends, pretty much every time we'd get together, it was just nuts. I don't know why it's totally, it's just very, they live in the west coast, so I blame it on them.

[00:57:19] Crissy: But we would have a day where we would hang out all day and just recover just because we just drank too much. And it would be all day like ordering food waste literally. And it would happen every time we just couldn't handle it. We were like, we just, and it was like, why are we sacrificing this? Why are we sacrificing this much time? I am now. We've talked about the presence so much more. I feel like I don't want anything to steal from my time if I need to genuinely feel an emotion, if I need to go through something that's good, but I'm just stealing. When I drink, I would just steal from so many parts of myself the next day, that night and in pursuit of what, that's, what I finally had to ask myself, like, what am I really, I kind of had to hold alcohol accountable for its promises.

[00:58:02] Crissy: And I was like, I don't think you're fulfilling them. Because towards the end, I'm sure you all can relate to this. Even being numb, even blacking out, you still. Carry that heaviness with you all the time. You still carry the pain. Yeah, the pain is it's. I've described it as being drunk is like being in a house that's on fire. You may not be aware that it's on fire, but it's still on fire. And when you wake up in sobriety, you may be like, oh shit, my house is on fire, and I want it. I just want it. I want to turn it off. I don't want him to know. I don't want to know my house is on fire, but that's the only way, you know, your house is on fire is by being sober, by waking up and you have to figure out where it started and you have to put it out and you have to put it out, you know?

[00:58:45] Crissy: And you can't do that drunk because you're literally not aware of the pain and, and you're not letting yourself feel it and process it. I think you just have to, it's really scary to feel it. It's really scary to acknowledge that it's there. Okay, if I'm doing this, what is this? It's also really empowering to realize that you can, you can handle it. You really can way more than you even realize. 

[00:59:04] Kelly: Yeah. It's a really good analogy. And you said at the beginning there Chrissy, what if I'm not happy if I quit and I can relate to that. I tried to hang on for so long and I didn't have this, like I'm going to quit drinking and I'm going to be a better person. I was like, I don't know. I'm not convinced that life's going to be better. And he said, well, I'm not happy now, but what would you say to somebody who is feeling that way right now? 

[00:59:29] Crissy: Yeah, that is a tough one. And something I get asked a lot is how do we find happiness without drinking? If we're worried about that. And I feel like for me, one of the easiest ways you can explain it. It's well, unless you started drinking under the age of 10, for most of us, you did have real childhood. You had a joy right. Moments. Even if there were hard parts, you can remember what it was like to be excited about, just riding your bike or, or things like that, accessing joy.

[00:59:55] Crissy: And so, finding happiness for me is not this. If alcohol is the only place we find happiness, then we wouldn't really be humans. That's not possible, right? Our wiring, we have, neurotransmitters and a brain and all these things that we can access joy. We are capable of that. And so, it's just about believing that you will be capable of it. It's making a choice, not just to not drink, but to actually find what makes you happy. If you're worried that you'll be happy without alcohol start looking for other things. Cause here's the thing. If you don't want to totally quit. That's your business, right? That's your decision, but you should be able to find happiness and joy in many different things, right? Like I think that's, that's one of the things that we're tricked into believing, we talked about earlier, that it can only be this one size fits all. Alcohol is going to be. But it can't be all of it. Nothing can be all of it, right? Even in life, you have your partner, maybe you have friends, you have different things that bring you joy. And we get pigeonholed when we believe that alcohol is the thing that can do it. It's actually a trick. It's not the sober people who are the, the ones with the wrong ideas. It's the alcohol companies that are telling us, it's all an alcohol they're selling us. This idea that happiness is, is here.

[01:01:10] Crissy: And maybe if you really believe that, okay, can that be just one of the ways that it brings you joy? Can you start trying to find joy in things that are free that you can do at home that you can find in multiple ways, because there's always going to be a time when you're not drinking, and you don't want to have to be unhappy during that time.

[01:01:29] Crissy: That was the thing that was also real for me too. When I started, when I would travel alone or when I would do something else, I would always want there to be alcohol there. And that started to feel uncomfortable for me. I started to be like, man, I'm really associating this happiness, this fun with drinking so much so that normal, everyday things in life aren't possible.

[01:01:50] Crissy: I can't go to the airport. I can't go to a party or hang out on a Sunday afternoon, you know, like things like that. It pushed me to find joy. In other places. It pushed me to find happiness in more ways, because It's not that there's something wrong with having fun and going out.

[01:02:08] Crissy: It's just that it's really a lot more limiting than people realize. There's really a lot more out there that you can find happiness. And it, it feels a lot truer when it's, when it's experienced presently. 

[01:02:22] Kelly: Great. 

[01:02:24] Tracey: We want to talk a little bit about why you chose to kind of share your journey on the platforms. Chrissy. Why did you choose to, be putting yourself out there on Tik TOK and on Instagram and what are you looking to accomplish with that? Or what are your hopes for the content that you're sharing with people? 

[01:02:45] Crissy: Well, you know, accidentally is always how the best things happen. I posted on Instagram. I think when I was three months sober, I think I finally posted on Instagram, I'm sober and I made a really long post about it or whatever. And I posted on I've always posted on social media, but I mean, not like nobody got me, nobody saw it. It was just, you know, I would, when I was pregnant, I would post on Tik Tok like I've always been on Tik Tok but not really. I never, I didn't even know that sober Tik Tok or sober Instagram. I didn't know that there were sober spaces on the internet to be honest. And I think when I was six months sober last June, I just posted, I had posted one or two videos about sobriety again. They went nowhere. I wasn't even trying to get them to go somewhere. I just. Tell the truth and see what happens. But I posted about the things you know, the reasons why I wanted to get sober. I was like, I didn't just get sober. Cause I fought with my husband or because I was anxious or because I was bloated all the time or whatever.

[01:03:42] Crissy: I was like, one of the biggest reasons I got sober was because I couldn't stop blacking out, which was true. I legitimately couldn't stop that. And Malcolm Gladwell and his book talking to strangers, talks about us. He talks about how the brain actually gets so used to blocking out that it will do it with just one or two drinks, because it's, everything is a learned behavior.

[01:03:59] Crissy: Our brains are like computers. And so, it starts to learn. This is going to happen every time you drink, it's usually drunkenness. So, let's just go ahead and turn it off right now. And a very sinister thing about blacking out is that it's not that you're recording memories and that you can't just, you can't access them.

[01:04:15] Crissy: You, you don't record at all your hippocampus. The thing responsible for recording memories is 100% off. It's only your it's so scary. And I realized that I was like, oh my gosh. And so only your short-term memories on. So, you're, you're remembering things every 10 minutes or. And I just shared that. I just was like, I can't believe this, you guys.

[01:04:33] Crissy: And it just went cuckoo bananas. That video went, I still get notifications for that video. And I spent almost a year. And so, I started answering questions from that video about hangover anxiety that went viral. Then I would answer a question about something. Liver that would, they would just like go viral.

[01:04:49] Crissy: I was like, people care about this. I was, I was shocked. I was like, I thought, because I had read, quit like a woman by Holly Whitaker and it changed my life. Obviously, I read it during my first month of sobriety. And she says, when you read this, you're not going to want to keep drinking. And I was like, don't tell me what to do. But I remember reading it, knowing I have a feeling I'm going to learn information that I can learn, you know? And so, learning about all the physiological effects of alcohol, I started sharing those on Tik Tok, from her book. And then people would be like, oh, have you read this naked mind by any grace?

[01:05:19] Crissy: I was like, no, I haven't. Yeah, same. So, I started just, people started following me. Like I went from three to 20,000 followers in like a month. Like it was crazy. And I was just like, wow. And it was, it was very serendipitous. Again, the universe is always going back around six months sober. I was like, I will, I don't want to drink anymore, but I'm feeling kind of lonely.

[01:05:41] Crissy: I was just like, I kind of feel like, nobody gets me and I just started posting about it and it, it kind of filled that need that I didn't even realize it was there and helped me stay sober and helped me talk about it and find community in a way that I never expected. And so, I just kind of kept sharing my story and I would share things.

[01:05:59] Crissy: I'm like, there's no way anyone's going to relate to this. And then I would get so many comments feeling like, oh my gosh, me too. And so, I realized that when it comes to the internet, especially my corner of it, I don't ever have to try to be amazing. I just need to be honest every time I just need to tell the truth and it will always.

[01:06:20] Crissy: Resulting in real connection, right? As much connection as you can get, you know, and that, that's kind of, I've always been really honest about my life. I've always been a pretty open person and I've always loved writing. And so, I just kind of channeled some of that into Tik Tok. I'll use it on my creative side and that that's really what it's been for me is sharing my story. And then also having a place to really share the way I creatively worked through things. I really love writing. That just is what kind of helps me. And I'll share that with people. Just kind of honestly, being like, I'm such a cheeseball nobody's going to care about, I like doing this and then again, people always are like, no, no, me too.

[01:06:56] Crissy: And so, I feel like one of the scariest parts about sobriety is talking about it and. When I started talking about it ended up being like the most freeing thing. It was only scary in my head. You know, it was only scary when it was just me, but tick-tock has, I never expected that it's taken off has been such a crazy journey.

[01:07:16] Crissy: It's been so, it’s just been wild and it's been really, really cool to connect with people and way, way, way more people are interested in being alcohol free and sober, curious than I ever had any idea. I'd never had any clue. And I never knew that all so many people struggle from all of these effects of alcohol, but nobody wants to say it because they feel like they should be drinking.

[01:07:36] Crissy: So many people feel like I should be drinking. Even my dad was saying I have to drink around my family. He's like, I can't not drink around them. And knowing so many people feel that way. I'm okay talking about it because I'm like, I know every time, any moment I feel like this is just me.

[01:07:50] Crissy: It's never just me. It's just, it's impossible. It doesn't matter how obscure, how weird, like it is. Never just you. And that has been the best part about sharing. My story is not feeling alone anymore. I never expected to get. Ever I am shocked. And every day that I find more people I'm like, surely, I've, I've rounded them all up. Like where this is? All of us, but people keep finding me and we it's. It's really cool. It Tik TOK is such a conversational space for me. At least it's not, I'm sure people with like millions of followers don't feel that way, but yeah. My, the community I've got to like build over there has been really cool and there's people who drink still.

[01:08:27] Crissy: And some people are just sober, curious, and some people who don't drink, but struggle with other things. And they just sort of like this approach works. And so that's, what's been cool. Cause I don't know how, like everybody else got sober, but I didn't do it the traditional way. I didn't want to go to AA or rehab or anything like that.

[01:08:42] Crissy: Like I said, neither. Yeah. Like I said, I'm not religious. So, it, it was already, and I know lots of atheists do it, but it just was not my thing. And so, I thought maybe it isn't other people's thing too. Or, or maybe it's turning other people off. Maybe we can find other ways to talk about it. And so, I have some AA people, but it's cool because we have these conversations of no matter how you got sober, we can all look at alcohol really, honestly, doesn't matter how you got sober and sobriety.

[01:09:09] Crissy: There is so much crossover in healing. It's just about the way we talk about it. That's different, and really, I've been able to. I feel like share my story in a way. Liberates my own shame because I talk about it. I'm like, I'm not allowing shame to exist in this space because I'm saying it out loud and it allows other people to do the same, and I feel like that's, that's the quickest way to work on your relationship with alcohol is just stop feeling so bad that you have a bad one about, you know, it's okay that you have a tough relationship with a really addicting substance. So many people do so many people have a complicated relationship with it and are just too scared to talk about it.

[01:09:44] Crissy: So. You don't need to be mad at yourself for having it. That's going to stop you from doing anything about it. Way longer than anything else, 

[01:09:51] Lindsey: I totally agree. It's not the person. I think people always think what's me. That has the problem, but listen, that's not true. Alcohol is actually working the way it's supposed to. It's designed to be addictive. So, it is not the person, that's the issue because it's working properly. The problem with it, it's the substance. 

[01:10:15] Crissy: I was driving around yesterday, and I heard some, cocktail commercial, literally on the radio. And I just was thinking, God, it's just everywhere. And this person was celebrated responsibly. And I'm like, what does that even mean? Let us celebrate what's what does that mean? When is one person ever said I'm going to celebrate with drinking tonight and been like, but I'm going to be responsible?

[01:10:33] Crissy: Like nobody does that, nobody drinks responsibly. And you're exactly right. If alcohol, if everyone drank alcohol responsibly, alcohol companies would make. They need people to be drunk. 

[01:10:45] Lindsey: They need people to be addicted. 

[01:10:47] Crissy: Yes. 100% specifically, young people because older people, the longer they get addicted, they'll die from it. So, they don't, they mark it to 19- to 29-year-old. They say that because they, want to trick them into believing. This is so fun. This is so amazing. Look how awesome this is going to this. You need this. And then by the time you're 30 and you're like, I can't recover from alcohol anymore. It's like, well, you've been drinking poison. The better part of two decades, probably most people start when they're 13 or 15, and it's this goal I'm going to fit in. I'm going to have fun. I'm going to do these things. And after 10 years, of course, it doesn't feel that great anymore, 

[01:11:24] Lindsey: and we're catching on.

[01:11:27] Crissy: I feel like people really are, and we're onto them. It's such a, since you've quit, like a woman, that the smoking industry already did this, you know, and hid studies for decades. And I feel like that's how people are learning about alcohol is wait. I thought it was good for my heart. Nope. 

[01:11:43] Lindsey: I get that all the time. Yeah. It's good for you. One drink a day. I'm like, no, no. I mean, stop, you know, you're putting that into Google and you're pulling an article from where Reddit. Okay. That's not a reliable source. 201. Yeah. Like let's look at the actual published medical journals on pub med or something. No people, people don't know the facts 

[01:12:06] Crissy: every time people be like, is this on pub med and other, I love, I don't even have to respond to hate comments anymore. Cause like people got me. They're like, actually it is on pub. Because it is alcohol causes, seven different types of cancer. It causes heart disease. It causes strokes women who drink have a 15% higher chance of getting breastfeed. 

[01:12:25] Lindsey: Yes. And that's with one drink a day one. 

[01:12:28] Crissy: I don't know. I don't know if y'all saw that study that just came out a couple months ago, but they so most studies, which this is intentional only study. Extreme alcohol use. They only study alcohol abuse symptoms. This study specifically low. One drink a day, half a drink a day, whatever two drinks a day, every single person's brain aged more than six months, more than a year in a month, they drank for they, they studied brains for a month. The people that drank half a drink every single day their brain, their white matter and gray matter showed signs of aging six months.

[01:13:04] Lindsey: That is scary. 

[01:13:05] Crissy: And that was just one half a drink a day. And then people drank one or two drinks. It's two and three years. And so, the study was so important because it's like, people are always saying that one drink is okay, but it still is harmful. And the thing is, it's not a shameful thing. No one would say a bump of cocaine a day is good for you.

[01:13:21] Crissy: Keep it, the doctor away, but they also used to do cocaine every single day in the 19 hundreds. I think people don't realize that these narratives have always existed around drugs. There's always been this big, black and white thing, but without alcohol has been the only free pass it's been like, oh, whatever, because big alcohol once of course the war on drugs for exist, because then they looked good. Right. If really, we looked at everything neutrally pretty much all. Has benefit and is going to cause us harm, right? Not benefits to your body, but, to your, whatever, if you want to change your mental state, drugs are capable of that. But it's normal that every single drug is going to have harm and side effects, but people don't believe that when it comes to alcohol, you can say it for everything. Like, even with THC becoming so legal everywhere, people are gonna be like, well, watch out for the side effects. Totally. Of course. Why don't we say that for alcohol? My alcohol-free beer that has no alcohol in, it has a nutrition label on it. But not alcohol, and all these different things. I think we tell everybody, if you have a problem with it, if you mess up, it's on you, you just gotta figure it out.

[01:14:26] Crissy: There's something wrong with you, but we don't ever just turn the camera back. We're like, oh, what about, I think you guys lied to us. I think you tricked us. 

[01:14:33] Lindsey: Oh man, Chrissy. Where can people find you on social media? what is your Tik Tok handle? Where can we find you on Instagram? 

[01:14:40] Lindsey: So, I am the same on both. I am I'm Chrissy Rodriguez. So, I am Chris Rodriguez, C R I S S Y R O D R I G U E Z on Tik, TOK and Instagram. And that's pretty much where I live. I definitely do not tweet. I haven't sent a tweet in like years. So, fig Tik, TOK, and Instagram. I'm definitely the most active on Tik TOK, but I respond to messages the best on Instagram. Cause Tik Tok messages are very weird. They're messaging system. It's not great. So yeah, that's, that's where I'm at. And then I'm also on a new like app. I don't know if you guys have heard of it. It's called LIVED it's to help. Drink less. It's really cool. it's completely free. It's just kind of this like little blurbs little courses and I'm over there as well.

[01:15:24] Crissy: It's awesome. It's really cool. It's new. It's a start-up App even know about this. So, I didn't even know about when they reached out to me. So, when you're on social media, you get, messages from people and you're like, and, and they are, it's really cool. There are guides on there. They have courses and how to do this without drinking, how to parent, how to do this. And that's been a really cool spot that everyone tells people about too, and it's totally free. So 

[01:15:48] Tracey: that's amazing. That's awesome. Thanks for sharing that with us and our listeners. Cause they'll know about it now, too.

[01:15:54] Crissy: Yeah. 

[01:15:54] Tracey: So that's great. I just want to make, mention for one second that How to quit like a woman, Holly Whitaker one of her writers, actually put us on a list of the top 50 ultimate recovery podcasts, which was a huge honor for us, because we're so new to this space. But yeah, I also thought that was pretty amazing that you had read her book and I knew that you'd done a lot of content on her book as well. So yeah, that was a very big deal for us and amazing. Yeah, it was very cool. Very cool. 

[01:16:28] Crissy: Congrats. 

[01:16:29] Tracey: Yeah, thank you. So anyways, it has been an absolute pleasure speaking with you and having you on here. We really, really appreciate that. You just you know, Mike reached out to you and, you gave us a chance here and gave us a shot and came on and share her story because. You could have looked at him like some random guys don't have really any content on Tik TOK. So, it's not like we have a presence there that you probably really even knew what we were about. 

[01:16:59] Crissy: I didn't, but I trust this people who are on this journey and I really just, I have not met anyone. That's watched my content genuinely watched it and reached out and haven't had a great conversation with, and so yeah, I just, I really, I feel like we, we all get each other. It doesn't matter how you got sober. I think if you're sober, you just get each other. And that used to, like, I used to listen to authors who would say something like that and be like, jerks, just because I didn't want to get sober. Like what? It really is like just kind of kindred spirits. And so, I was like, oh my gosh, absolutely. I just, I love talking because it, as lonely as it can be, these spaces are really validating and are really freeing. And so, if people are doing this work, I want to cheer you guys on and be a part of it too.

[01:17:38] Tracey: No, that's awesome. We feel the same. Like I said, I really felt like you aligned so well with us, the messages that you're putting out there. So, it was just great to be able to have you come on and hear more about you and learn more about you and please stay connected. So, anybody that's listening, please find us on our Facebook community page or @laflifepodcast on Instagram. And we will put Chrissy's information in our show notes so you can find her too. And yeah, it was so great speaking with you. Thank you so much. And everybody out there keep laughing. 

[01:18:18] Crissy: Thanks. Y’all, I agree. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you so much. 

[01:18:23] Lindsey: Thank you, Chrissy. You're amazing. 

[01:18:26] Crissy: I think y'all are amazing.

[01:18:27] Tracey: Thanks, so many guys have a great night and 

[01:18:31] Crissy: I'll see. Y'all 

[01:18:32] Tracey: take care.

[01:18:32] Closing

[01:18:32] Kelly: Thank you for listening. Please give us a five-star rating like and subscribe, share on social media, and tell your friends. We love getting your feedback and ideas of what you'd like to hear on upcoming episodes of the laugh life podcast. If you yourself are living alcohol free and want to share your story here, please reach out.