Steve McDonald, Thanks for letting me share! Season 2, Ep. 8

In this episode we had a heartfelt conversation with special guest Steve McDonald. Steve is a recovered alcoholic and crack addict who went from living in his car at the peak of his addition to becoming a teacher and author.  Through his years of experience in rehab and attending AA & NA meetings, he composed a collection of quotes he heard from others in recovery. He turned this collection into a book called "Thank you for letting me share"! Steve donates his book to rehab facilities across the USA in the hopes of helping other struggling with recovery.  It took Steve many years and several attempts to finally get clean but his sobriety took priority when he met is wife in 2016 and as he says "finally found something he loved more than drinking & druggin." This is a remarkable story of how never giving up can completely turn your life around.

Purchase Steve's book on Amazon: https://www.amazon.ca/Thanks-Letting-Share-Steven-McDonald/dp/B086L5KZR7
All proceeds go to rehab facilities across the USA.

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Transcript

Steve MacDonald, Thanks for letting me share! Season 2, Ep. 8

Intro

[00:00:00] 

Kelly: welcome to the LAF life podcast, a lifestyle podcast based on living alcohol free and a booze-soaked world. My name is Kelly Evans and together with my friends, Tracey, Djordjevic, Mike Sutton and Lindsay Harik. We share uncensored. Unscripted real conversations about what our lives have been like since we ditched alcohol and how we got here by sharing our individual stories.

We'll show you that there isn't just one way to do this, no matter where you are on your journey from sober, curious to years in recovery and everyone in between, you are welcome here, no judgment and a ton of support.

Tracey: Hello everyone. Welcome to season two of the LAF Life podcast. Tonight, is episode eight, and again, we have a wonderful guest with us, Stephen McDonald. Stephen McDonald is a recovered, alcoholic and drug addict, and he composed a book from [00:01:00] some of his experience in rehab he put together a bunch of quotes from people that were suffering from drug and alcohol addiction. This was brought together by the interaction he had with people in recovery. Were excited to hear more about Steven's journey and how he came about writing this book to be shared with the recovery community.

So, welcome Steven. 

Steve: Thank you. 

Kelly: Welcome. 

Steve: Hi. Thank you. 

Lindsey: Hey. Hello. 

Steve: Nice to meet everybody. I appreciate this. 

Tracey: Maybe tell our audience where you grew up, what was your relationship with alcohol growing up, and start with that.

Steve: Okay. I grew up in northern Connecticut, right on the border of Massachusetts. I'm the youngest of five. Come from an Irish Catholic family. Alcoholism runs in my genetic background on both sides. My both sides of my parents’ alcoholism and my cousins my brothers and sisters. So, it runs rampant. Through my genetics and I call my age of [00:02:00] 15, my year of decadence. I think that's when it all, started And I was a sophomore in high school and I had gone from a Catholic school from kindergarten to eighth grade, which was one of those like little house in the prairie schools where you had the same class in the same classroom. All your classes in the same classroom. And then I was transferred to a public high school, and I went from being a big fish in a small pond to a small fish in a big pond. And I didn't really like the transition. I was pretty, I would say scared during my freshman year cuz everything was just so big and there were so many people. And so anyways, in my sophomore year, I started venturing towards people that partied, and I started drinking and smoking pot and drank to excess. I liked the transformation that it gave me. It gave me courage, liquid courage, we called it. Mm-hmm. And from there it just progressed, and it progressed for quite some time well into my twenties.

 As I [00:03:00] continued, the consequences got worse and worse. As a direct result of my alcoholism, I started doing drugs and one in particular got a hold of me. And that took me, on a bad, bad ride for about a decade. So, alcohol has done me no favors. But in the beginning, it did. Or so I thought, oh, I like this feeling. I felt all powerful and I felt confident I got bullied in high school, so when I drank, I didn't have the fear of fighting and that kind of empowered me. Mm-hmm. So, it was almost like some kind of superhero juice to me in the beginning, like, wow, I was like fearless.

Tracey: Right. 

Steve: Which didn't work out too well for me on several occasions. Cuz there are things I should have been afraid of the alcohol clouded my judgment. Like it's designed to. 

Tracey: So were you a pretty introverted kid then, Steve, or was it more so the fact that you just grew up in obviously a smaller area and it was kind of the shell shock of moving to a [00:04:00] bigger school and, 

Steve: I would say the, the shell shock of the public high school was, was pretty overwhelming for me. I wasn't necessarily introverted when it came to people that I knew, like my friends, but as far as new people or being in a new place amongst new people, definitely introverted. I wasn't the one to jump up on the table and, hey, look at me, look at me. I kind of wanted to stay in the background. But when I was with my friends, I was more, I let my hair down and, I acted like who I was. 

Tracey: How old were you when the alcohol started kind of progressing or getting the better of you? 

Steve: Oh boy. It kind of started right away because I would do stupid things, but I would say when I was, my first time leaving my parents' house after high school is when it really took off because then I didn't have any real accountability. 

Tracey: Right. 

Steve: That's when I really drank to excess and got in some trouble and got hurt, physically hurt. It just kind of snowballed, you could say. 

Tracey: Right, right. [00:05:00] So were your parents concerned about your drinking when you were in high school or did anybody address your drinking, kind of along the way as it progressed?

Steve: My parents were busy; they worked a lot, and they were tired by the time I came around cuz they had four. I have an older brother and three older sisters. They gave my parents some gray hairs themselves. So, by the time I came around and I was like 15, 16, 17, just getting warmed up, they didn't really have a short leash on me, 

Tracey: right?

Steve: I was pretty much running wild. And occasionally, my father would yell at me, and my grades suffered. That that was the big thing. I didn't do great in school at the time and that they didn't like that. And I did get called to the carpet for. My father and my mother were big advocates for education. So, I didn't do well in high school academically. Right. I did take some grief for that, but as far as the drinking was concerned, as long as I was home and in one piece the next morning, I [00:06:00] kind of had free reign to do as I pleased. And then once I left the house, I was really off, the leash.

Tracey: Were you able to keep a job? Was it affecting your work life or your relationships? 

Steve: I was able to keep a job and one thing I've learned about myself and a lot of other people that are alcoholics are, we are hard workers. Mm-hmm. I am a hard work and always have been so, I've always been good at my jobs, but yes. The interesting thing about that, as you say, did I suffer any repercussions from jobs? My first job leaving my home was a job on a little island off of New York, and it was a small, secluded little island. And I worked at a country club, Fisher's Island, and my brother used to work there through college and he got me in there and I had to graduate in summer school. My high school final senior year, I flunked, and I had to go to summer school to graduate. It was the only year out of 12 years I ever stayed back. I had to go to summer school to get the same graduation diploma as the people in my class that [00:07:00] graduated in June. So, the goal was going to Fishers Island, work for about a month, come home, go to summer school, and then go back to Fishers Island. Well, when I came home and. summer school, I got a call from my boss down on Fisher's Island, and I remember it like it was yesterday, and he was like, Steve, we're not gonna have you back at the club. There's nothing wrong with your work ethic, but things have been a lot quieter here since you left. And my brother was really upset with me because he had vouched for me.

Tracey: Mm-hmm. 

That was not a good time. That was a bad time because he vouched for me, and I kinda let him down because I was crazy out there. I didn't get asked back there. So, I went out to another island where my sister worked after Rhode Island, and that's where I really, really started drinking hard and heavy. And I had a reputation out there. He's a good guy. He's a hard worker, but when he drinks, he's a loose cannon. And that's how I was viewed. That's how I was viewed out there. That's how I was viewed for a long time, pretty much everywhere. 

So, you would say

your personality was more aggressive when you drank? 

Steve: [00:08:00] Yes, I was absolutely more aggressive. I was also I would drink till I threw up and it didn't matter who was around or where I was when I would throw up. Mm-hmm. Just really socially things that, people frown on.,

Tracey: right.

Steve: Loud, boisterous, the typical drunk, obnoxious and just not who I was sober know.

Tracey: what do you think was driving you then to keep drinking? Was it a feeling you were chasing, or do you think it was something you weren't wanting to deal with? 

Steve: I think it was the initial, after you have that first couple drinks, there’s a certain like meta morphs that takes place. I enjoyed that transition from sober me to starting to get drunk me. And like I said, it was almost like a blanket of courage or a blanket of aggression or a blanket of being able to say what I wanted to say it was fake though. It wasn't authentic. But there was something about that first couple drinks that really called me. Even with the consequences, I would fall [00:09:00] down. I split my head open. I've been in car accidents, the typical drunk, bad stories, embarrassing things, but that obsession to get those first couple drinks. With all good intentions that I would stop, I used to have this thing only beer, I'm just gonna drink beer. No more hard alcohol, you know? And as soon as I got a few beers of me, I was doing the shots and all my plans to drink moderately never worked. Mm-hmm. I'll tell you when I realized I had a problem is when I got a DWI yeah. Fortunately, I didn't get an accident. And fortunately, I only got one, but I did get one and I was in college, and I had to go to the drunk driving classes, and I had to see an alcohol counselor at the college I was at. She asked me the 20 questions, are you an alcoholic? Does this happen? Do you do this, do you do that? And I answered yes to pretty much all of 'em. I was very honest with her. Mm-hmm., right. But I only had to do so many sessions with. And after I was done and fulfilled the court's obligations, I was done with her. I was in no way ready to quit drinking. Mm-hmm. But she [00:10:00] kept calling me, calling me, and leaving messages. And she knew, she saw the writing on the wall she wanted me to get sober, and she knew I was a candidate for sobriety, or I was on my way to a dark place. I just remember, I'm like, wow, this lady won't let it go. Wow. And then I thought to myself, maybe she's right, but it was just a fleeting thought. It gave me a moment of pause, but not really too long. Right. So that's when I probably can admit, I knew I was an alcoholic at that point. I wasn't in denial.

Tracey: Right. 

Steve: I knew I was an alcoholic, but it didn't really matter to me. Because I felt like, well, I'm going to college. I got a job, mm-hmm., and yeah, I've been in some trouble, but nothing crazy. I don't have a criminal record, blah, blah, blah. I would always justify it Right. To keep, it's not that bad when in reality it was pretty bad.

Tracey: Yeah., 

Steve: We're good at minimizing stuff, right? 

Tracey: Mm-hmm. What was it that drove you from the drinking to the drugs? Was it just chasing more of a high [00:11:00] or just it was situational, and it just grew into something that you didn't expect? 

Steve: Yeah, that's what it was. I was drunk one night, and I was around some people that normally I wouldn't hang out with. And I tried crack, and it grabbed a hold of me. It grabbed the hold 

Lindsey: oh, that's bad. 

Tracey: Mm-hmm. 

Steve: It grabbed a hold of me, and it didn't let go for a long time. And that got progressively worse. And that got to the point where I wouldn't even drink anymore because the money. Would be a waste in my eyes to spend it on alcohol, because now I had a new love, a new drug of choice. And so, for my last couple years of using that substance, I wasn't even drinking at all. I joke around occasionally, and I say, crack cured my alcoholism, which of course isn't true. But in a way, it stopped me from drinking. 

Tracey: Wow. 

Steve: Because it was all about that substance. That's all I cared about. And that's all I did. And whenever I had an extra few dollar, that's where I went. I didn't go to the bars anymore. And by doing that, I went into a world that, I only saw on television, and I never had [00:12:00] experience in. And man, I don't miss that. 

Tracey: Wow. 

Steve: I don't miss that.

Lindsey: I feel like I can relate to what you're saying about the transformation drinking. Gave you courage and I'm curious to know what you thought you needed courage for and what transformation were you hoping for? Because I know when I was drinking, there was obviously a transformation, and it was not good. I fell, broke, my collarbone had to have surgery. Did I quit drinking after that? No. And every time I would drink, there was a point, maybe two drinks and two glasses of wine. I was like, Okay, I'm feeling great, but I could never stop at that point. It's like I kept going to, I don't know if I was trying to maintain it and then I would end up blacked out. I'm curious because when I'm thinking about the word transformation, your transformation now is something to be. Proud of, [00:13:00] but when you drink and there's a transformation, it's not usually a good one., I'm curious to know, what did you think you needed courage for and what transformation were you hoping for when you drank?

Steve: When I grew up, I had an alcoholic father and good man, hardworking man, Supportive, yeah. Know. But uh, he was an alcoholic and so I don't usually like talking about that because he's passed away. I love my dad and I don't wanna cast him. 

Lindsey: Yeah, of course.

Steve: But the fact of the matter is, he was an alcoholic and he had the symptoms of an alcoholic. And I was afraid of him as a youngster, you know, he didn't beat us or anything, but he could just look at you and he could raise his voice and he didn't talk to; you know, he wasn't a very like, hey kid, let's go play ball type of dad. I pretty much, he was from the old school where kids should be seen and not heard. Mm-hmm. And that type of thing. And so, I think I grew up with some fear I felt hesitant to speak, speak up, so when I drank, all that went away. And as I [00:14:00] got older, a lot of that went away too. And I was able to, 

Lindsey: Right. 

Steve: As I became physically bigger and stuff, I wasn't so, scared of my father. But I think for a long time in my youth I was, and when I drank, it gave me that King Kong feeling that I never had as a sober boy. 

Tracey: I think when you grow up in a house where someone is an alcoholic or a drinker, cuz my dad was as well, and I know Lindsay's dad drank too. And both Lindsay and I have talked about the fact that it just 

Lindsey: mm-hmm. Yep. 

Tracey: Yeah, there's always kind of sense of uncertainty because you're not sure of what their drinking behavior could lead to. 

Steve: Yes. 

Tracey: Cause same with my dad. He wasn't aggressive or abusive or anything. It was just that unpredictable behavior that created a fear and an anxiety.

Steve: Yes, absolutely. Yeah. Right. I knew if he wasn't home by five o'clock, then I knew 

Lindsey: he's drinking. 

Steve: Yep. And he would roll in at some point and he would not be the [00:15:00] same guy I knew. So that was spooky, as a kid growing up and yeah. 

Tracey: Yeah, I can definitely relate to that. So were you married when this was going on,

Steve: No. 

Tracey: No. Okay. 

Steve: No. I was single for quite a while I did get married from what year? 92. So I was in college. I met a girl who was in college who was an exchange student, and she was only here for a few years, and we dated for three years, and it was time for her to go back and I didn't want her to go back.

And so, we got married and, mm-hmm., if it worked out, it worked out, but if it didn't, we'll stay married so you can stay here. And it didn't work out and she's still here and it was amicable. So, for about five years I was married, but kind of in name only. 

Tracey: Mm-hmm. 

Steve: I'm currently married now remarried and I got married in sobriety and, 

Tracey: Oh, good.

Steve: But for the most part my drinking and drugging, I was single. 

Tracey: Okay. 

Steve: Particularly my drugging. My drugging didn't start in that area that I told you about. I always smoked pot, but I didn't graduate [00:16:00] to that crack until 2000. The year 2000. 

Tracey: You had mentioned you were in rehab multiple times before?

Steve: I was in 2003. I went to my first treatment, and I've probably been to a dozen total. Mm-hmm. And I got to my first treatment in 2003 and I did a 90-day program and got out and went back to smoking crack and then went back to

Lindsey: No way. 

Steve: Oh yeah. Oh, that happened. 

Lindsey: Oh boy. 

Steve: Yeah, I wasn't one of the guys that was a one hit wonder outta rehab that stayed clean and sober. So, after a couple times in the same rehab, they said, how about you try doing something different? Why don't you go to a sober house? And I said, Okay, I'll go to a sober house. So, I did, and I went to this town in Connecticut that I had never really been to. And that was a great choice because I met a lot of great people and I stayed there.

I didn't stay clean the whole time I was there. I was in and out, in and out. I went from sober house to sober house cuz when you use, you get kicked out. And [00:17:00] I had a lot of those experiences packing up my car and then I'd come back, and I have to pick up the white key tags of the white chips and mm-hmm. boy, I did that for a long time, and I got a job on the railroad While I was there, I met somebody that worked for the railroad which is a great job, and he got me on there and so, Now I was making a lot of money. Mm-hmm. more than I had ever made in my life. That didn't benefit me because as much as I made and all the overtime I worked; I'd get paid on Friday.

Oh. And I was broken by, they had a good EAP system, which kind of enabled me, because when the wheels fell off, I could always throw up the white flag and go back into treatment. And I did that I worked there for about eight years until I finally got fired. I melted the cup and that was it.

They sent me walking and I lost that job. And at the time, it devastated me because it was, it was a career. Right. And yeah, that one hurt. But I look back on it and, and I'm grateful because all these things that happened led me to where I am and led me to my wife and all [00:18:00] these detours across.

It's pretty interesting how it all. It all worked out and I'm blessed because it could have worked out a lot worse, a lot, lot worse. These guys I met in these sober houses and the sponsors I had, I'm still friends with them. I still talk to 'em, they were very, very instrumental in me realizing that this was possible.

Tracey: Right. 

Steve: And there were a lot of times I didn't think I could do it, and they gave me hope. And a lot of those guys are dead. A lot of those guys are not around anymore. I can name like, I don't know, 15 guys I lived with over that period of time that aren't here anymore. 

Lindsey: Wow. 

Steve: Really, even the guy that got me the job in the railroad who I was very close to, he died Oh.

Way that was a correct result of this disease. So, Wow. I'm, I'm fortunate because, despite my best, best efforts, I'm still alive. Right. I didn't do, I didn't do anything different than they did. 

Tracey: Yeah.

Kelly: Steve, can you tell us a little bit more about what led you to that first treatment center in 2003?

Steve: Sure. I was at [00:19:00] the that was probably the worst I ever was as far as physically I had lost the job that I had. I did not have a place to live, so I was staying in my car, and I had the money that I had just crashed the car and got the insurance payment for is what carried me for a little while until I wasted it on drugs.

So basically, I had nothing. I had a car and no money, and I pulled into my friend driveway, and he came out one morning he saw me and he's like, Man, you've gotta get some help. And he took me to a detox and from there I went to a treatment center. 

Kelly: Wow. And you just knew when he said that to you, you just knew.

Steve: Oh yeah, I knew. I had nowhere. I was done. Like usually I was able to hold onto a job and I didn't even have a job at that time and all the money was gone that I had gotten from the insurance company for the car that I crashed. 

Lindsey: Oh my God. 

Steve: That was a crazy winter. Wow. And that was a tumultuous two years. In 2000 I started going to [00:20:00] school to be a teacher. I went to grad school, and I was still using, in 2003 I completed it. But I was in treatment when I was supposed to graduate. I was in my first rehab when I should have been picking up my diploma. So, I finished by the skin of my teeth.

Wow. If I had to go one more semester, I wouldn't have made it. I would've flunked out. Cause my, my ability to function was here. My disease was here and eventually it, 

Kelly: Right. 

Steve: Yeah. There I am. I got a master's degree and I'm in rehab and I have nothing else. And I have no money. I have no job. I have a car that's not registered, it's not insured, and I have a supportive family and I'm grateful for that. I did have a supportive family. Oh, my dad had died during those two years also, so that hurt. And there was just a lot going on. It was a very busy to say the least, I'm trying to maintain an addiction. I'm trying to maintain school; I'm trying to maintain a job. And I did it for a while, but then it just caught up to me.

Mm-hmm. So, then I went back to that same treatment not long after I got released. And that's when I [00:21:00] went to Meriden, Connecticut to a sober house and stayed there for several years, bouncing in and out, bouncing in and out, bouncing in and out. Got the job on the railroad just this recurring. Relapse, pick up a white key tag, try to surrender, go to meetings, stay clean for a little while, then veer off on my own and pick up again. And just back, I did a lot of that, 

Tracey: what do you think was the final kind of breaking point for you where it all came together, and you really dedicated yourself to your sobriety then 

Steve: meeting my wife, meeting my me, my wife, and getting introduced to her two boys. And I knew that I wasn't willing to lose this, in the past, I knew I could always get another job, losing the railroad job was probably the worst one. That hurt a lot. But I knew I could get another, and I did.

I got another job, so I wasn't really afraid. I didn't have consequential thinking, I rolled those dice, I was willing to roll the dice. But I wasn't rolling to roll the dice when I met Suzanne. And, and [00:22:00] I've been clean since December 3rd, 2016, and I met her in 2016 and we got married 2017.

 I'm not willing to lose what I have today. And life's been good. I got a job as a teacher. I teach in a prison; I finally am doing what I went to school to do. It's just, sometimes I look at it, I'm like, wow, I'm driving a registered car. It's got insurance.

All my payments are paid. You know, not living in it. Yeah, yeah. Not living in it. I got food in my refrigerator. Yeah. I took a shower today. You know, just stuff like that little thing that, man, I heard somebody say once, and this is actually in the book. We are the only people that get to live twice. And I heard that, and I was like, 

Lindsey: Wow, that’s so good. That's for sure. That's really good. 

Tracey: That's amazing though.

Steve: I'll be happy to send you some copies. If you send me your mailing address, I'll send out some book. 

Kelly: Oh, thank you. I, 

Tracey: yeah, that would be amazing 

Lindsey: to read your book be amazing 

Tracey: and we'd be happy to share them. I'm sure any one of [00:23:00] us could share them with some rehab facilities here. Yeah, I know you do ship them to rehab facilities in the US there, right? 

Steve: Yep. I'll ship them anywhere they're needed, and they'll be used. I have a copy right here. The book is called, Thanks for letting me Share, and it's 

Lindsey: oh, I love that.

Steve: 368 quotes of profound wisdom I call it, that I heard, throughout my journey and some of the quotes you may have heard before, but some of 'em are unique to the people that. It just caught my attention, and I was like, Wow, that's, that's powerful. And I wrote it down and I wrote it down. And then when the pandemic happened, I finally grabbed the papers and put 'em together and said, I'm doing this now. I always said, I'm gonna do it. And I've had these quotes since 2003. Wow. And I just collected 'em over the years, collected them, and they were, scattered about on notebooks and stuff, and I always saved them and then finally put it together.

Kelly: Great. 

Mike: Cool. I got a couple of questions for you, but 

Steve: Sure. 

Mike: As you spoke and I started thinking about, you said something, and I can't remember verbatim what you said, but it was more along the lines of when you were a young guy and you were going through school [00:24:00] and you've kinda lost out in the last, not you didn't lose out in the last year, but the last year of high school was the year that you stayed back and. Started to start at the snowball per se. And I thought, I think about back in retrospect from my own experiences, I wonder how that lostness in a sense, Cause I think it's a part of being lost and not having a direction of where you're gonna go that contributes to, well, if I just drank, I'll just have to think about it. Right? And then you start consuming drugs and, I've done drugs as well, I never did crack, but I've done other stuff. I've done coke and, everything else except something like crack. So, I'm not about to comment on the effects of the power of that, but as you said on tv, what you see is, is not always what you see. There's a lot more to it. My question is, when you met these people through the sober house and you had just mentioned about collecting these quotes and getting this book together, did you feel any way at any point in time, that there's a reason why I'm meeting these people? Like [00:25:00] that light started to go on and then you may have gone back into the old Steve, but it kind of kept pushing you and pushing you and pushing you to, collect the quotes to start, I mean, like, why did you collect the notes? Let's start there. 

Steve: Sure. Absolutely. I think it was, I have a belief in higher power, and I think it was orchestrated through him and him, her, whatever you wanna call it, because I had an idea in 2003 when I started hearing these quotes and meetings that, Wow. And it came to me just like that. Cause I always like to write, That's another thing. As a kid, I like to write, I write poetry. I was always. Big writer and I said, I'd like to put together all these quotes and I know what I'll call the book. Cause up here we say, after we share in a meeting, thanks for letting me share.

And they say, Thanks Steve. Oh God. And then the next person will share, raise their hand and they'll share, Thanks for letting me share. So, I said, I'll call it, thanks for letting me share. So, I think it was a God inspired thought and I said, I think that'll benefit people. This is what I'm saying to myself. I think this is a great idea. And I didn't tell anybody about it. I was really quiet about it. Cause I, [00:26:00] I didn't want anyone to steal my idea. Right. I had this brand, it's a good one grand deal idea of I'm gonna sell a best seller anyways. It was just, it was funny. It was my own little secret. I was meeting these people and some of them became my sponsor. And, and I believe they were put in my life for a reason because all those times I went back out and I was using, I knew where the answers were, I knew the answers were in those rooms cuz I heard people, many people who were in the exact same shoes I was in that pulled it together and, and stayed clean for multiple years.

So, I was like, if they can do it, I can do it. Mm-hmm. because I heard the same story everywhere I went. Even when I went to treatment in other states, it was the same story of these people that got clean and what they did to get clean and sober. And it wasn't a coincidence, you know? And so, I couldn't deny that it was possible.

So that's what kept me coming back that I knew the answers were. I took breaks from writing down the quotes. Obviously when I was using that, [00:27:00] that was the last thing on my mind. But I always saved them. And then I would go back into the rooms and back in the recovery and back into the sober house, and I would break out and I'd write 'em down again. It was just this back-and-forth thing, but I knew, I felt home there. I was surrounded by people just like me. And I wasn't scared in the meetings because after a while at first, I was, but after a while I realized these people think just like I do, we are a lot alike. And it doesn't matter where they're from, they all walk of life. In my book is a quote that I heard that I relate to where it says, I heard my thoughts coming outta you. And that is a bullseye for me because that just makes a lot of sense to me. Mm-hmm. That kept me coming back. I knew that it was possible because I saw the evidence in other people, and they inspired me, and they gave me hope. My phone never stopped, I would get text messages, hey, we're here when you're ready, come on back. And eventually when the pain got great enough, I would, I would go back. [00:28:00] 

Mike: Did you ever have those moments where you were either drunk or using that as I always call it, the voice would come and say, maybe you referenced a quote. Cause you said, you kind of alluded that, you took breaks and, while you're, trying to battle back. But did you ever have any moments where, A certain quote came at you while you were intoxicated. 

Steve: Yeah, yeah. I did 

Mike: Many times. 

Steve: Yeah. Several times. Yeah. Several times. They planted the seed, they really did. Mm-hmm. And that's why I like sending these books out. When I send these books out, it's better than any hit of crack I ever took when I drop it in the mailbox. Mm-hmm., it gives me such a feeling of wow. And I have a visual of some person in Oklahoma, Tennessee, wherever that's gonna open up this book in a rehab and have no clue about recovery. And hopefully plant the seed with them. And that's why I send 'em to all these random ones. I just get a list and I send them out, send them out, send them out. They did those quotes. [00:29:00] I love them. I still love 'em. Like I wanna do a part two and after football season, because I like football. I'm gonna take the quotes that I have and I'm gonna start doing it again. Cause I still collect them, new ones. Mm-hmm. And 

Kelly: You still go to meetings, Steve? Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. 

Mike: Who's your football team? Isn't it Patriot?? 

Steve: It's the Rams champion. Rams. 

Mike: You're trouble this year? 

Steve: I've been a Rams. Yeah. We sure are. I've been a Rams fan my whole life. And 

Kelly: how do you know we're not football fans? Mike, 

Mike: you're a Winnipeg Blue Bomber fan. That's what you Oh, that's my guess. Outside from the Jets. That's all you got in Winnipeg is football.

Tracey: Well, that's awesome, Steve. What a turnaround your life's had. 

Steve: It's miraculous. It's really nothing short of Mira. 

Lindsey: Have a question. 

Mike: Step kids. Sorry. How old are your step kids?

Steve: 27 and [00:30:00] 19. 

Mike: Okay, cool. 

Kelly: Nice. Yep. 

Mike: Sorry, Liz, 

Lindsey: I wanted to know. No, no, don't be sorry. Because I'm not familiar with it and maybe our listeners might not know either but tell us what a sober house is.

Steve: Yeah, sure. It's well I lived in several, but I'll tell you about the best one. It was 

Lindsey: Okay. 

Steve: Three houses. I actually wrote a poem. I actually wrote a pretty good poem about it, but it was three houses. 

Lindsey: Oh, okay. Okay. 

Steve: Yeah. On a, on a lot. And there were probably eight guys in each house, and each house had a house manager that made sure everybody did their chores, would give random urine test.

Lindsey: Oh, okay. So, you had to do testing to stay there? 

Steve: Yeah. You definitely should. There are some sober houses that aren't really. they're just sober houses in name. But if you're at a good one, they're giving you tests, and the rent was fairly cheap. Sometimes you would have a roommate, sometimes you would have your own room.

Lindsey: Okay. 

Steve: Um, you went to meetings. Some of the guys had cars, some of the guys didn't. So, guys, yeah. Yeah. You got a job. My, my sponsor and the guy who owned the place used to call it a get-well job. So, you know, ah, [00:31:00] usually nothing. And 

Lindsey: so, everybody there is recovering or trying to, And you 

Steve: Yes. 

Lindsey: There as a group. Okay.

Steve: Yep. And we would have a big circle meeting once a week and we would, sit outside and in the winter, we would go inside, and it was great. And the place was called Sober City. Wanna hear the poem? 

Kelly: Yes. 

Lindsey: Yes. 

Steve: All right. So, it was called Sober City and, oh man, I can't say enough about it. I met some really good people, really good people, and a lot of them aren't here, but a lot of 'em are still here and still clean. And then a lot of them, I don't know where they are cuz they relapsed and I don't, they disappeared, you know how they just drop off the face of the earth. But I still pray for those guys. It was very instrumental in uh, giving me the realization that this is where I needed to be. 

Lindsey: Wow, 

Steve: I needed to be amongst this community of sober people. Like it was meant to be, you had asked me about that. I really felt like I was put there for a reason. And let me find out. 

Lindsey: It sounds like it for sure. 

Steve: Sorry I'm taking so long. I have [00:32:00] a lot of poems. I wrote I wrote poems about some of these guys that have passed away 

Lindsey: oh my god, 

Steve: Here we go. Okay. It's called Sober City. The driveway was long. It came to a lot. This was far from your average spot. They held three homes that held many men. They became brothers and they became friends. Backgrounds were different. Their stories were the same. They all had lives they wanted to reclaim. Some stayed, some left, some left, and came back. The newcomer was always welcomed into the pack. Roommates talked late into the night. They needed each other with all of their might. The circle was large, the circle was strong. Inside it, we shared our victory song, Food, laughter, sweat and Tears, sharing success and sharing our fears. Basketball, cookouts, working on cars. Never found this camaraderie inside of the bars. Hot days, cold days. Snow and rain. The hope and love killed the pain reunited with families, kids, and wives. I saw miracles there and transform lives. Some made it, [00:33:00] some didn't, and some still try. We never forgot. Each and every guy, fireman, ponytail, Rory Sal, vp, Mark, Mike s and Mike c God decided he needed them more than we. Our bond is eternal. It can never be broken. Sober city saved lives and took off our yolk. None of us know what the future brings, but we learned it's better if we do those five things and the five things that the guy that who was my sponsor who ran the sober house was don't pick up. Go to a meeting, get a sponsor, get a commitment, and work the steps.

And that's what he used to constantly say to us. If you do these five things, everything that's supposed to show up in your life will show up in your life. 

Mike: One, don’t pick up. 

Steve: Don't pick up. Mm-hmm., don't drink or drug. 

Mike: Right. Okay. 

Steve: And then get a sponsor, go to meetings, get a service commitment, and work the steps.

Mike: Is that still going Steve? 

Steve: It's not, it's not still going? No. He's moved on. He's moved on, but that was it. Wow. [00:34:00] For probably 10 years. So was he, a lot of guys came in and out of there. 

Mike: Was he running it as a, a rehabilitation facility I mean, there has to be some profit in it for him, obviously to keep it going, but it wasn't something that was funded by the state or anything like that. It was all private. 

Steve: Yes. Yep. It was his three houses, and we'd pay like a hundred, 125 bucks a week to live. And uh, 

Mike: don't know if that's here. I've never heard of that Here in Canada. 

Kelly: Yeah. We have sober houses. 

Mike: Do they? Yeah. I've never heard of, 

Lindsey: I'm not familiar. Me, when you were talking about sober houses, I was like, Ooh, I need to ask that question cuz I've heard of what's the other term for it? Halfway house, but that's 

Sure, sure. Halfway house. 

Tracey: It's like a group home almost, right? I guess so. A sober house? Yeah. Like young offenders or juvenile delinquents. Sometimes they go to a group home. I worked in one when I came outta college cuz I went to college for social work. Be similar to that, but it's for people that have addiction, right?

Kelly: Yeah. We definitely have them here. 

Steve: Mm-hmm. Yeah. They're a good idea. If they're run [00:35:00] properly, it's very, 

Mike: gotta be run properly. 

Steve: You gotta go to meetings, pretty strict, pretty rigid. Yeah. Very structured. 

Lindsey: And there was a curfew. Did you have the curfew? 

Steve: Oh yeah. Yep. There's a curfew. Good. There was actually a buddy system when you first got there. You couldn't leave the compound unless you were with one of the other guys. 

Kelly: Oh, that's a good rule. 

Lindsey: Oh, that's a good idea. Mm-hmm., that's a good rule. 

Mike: What type of work did you have to do? Did you all work at the same place or 

Steve: This guy, he used to flip houses, so he'd buy a house and renovate it. So, he had several of us do that work for, 

Kelly: Mike has a new business idea, 

Steve: so, he had labor right there. And then other guys would've, other jobs, they would work in a store, McDonald's or whatever, and, but there was probably like a half dozen of us that worked for George who was the, the owner of the place. 

Mike: And you don't maintain contact with George or, 

Steve: Oh yeah, I sure do.

Mike: Oh good. 

Lindsey: That's amazing. 

Steve: Oh yeah, he was at my wedding, him and his wife. 

Mike: Nice. 

Lindsey: Oh. 

Tracey: I love [00:36:00] that poem, Steve. That was really Heartly good.

Lindsey: And thank you for sharing that with us. For sure. 

Tracey: I love that. 

Lindsey: Oh man. 

Kelly: I have a question for Steve. 

Steve: Sure. 

Kelly: First time you went to treatment was 2003, and you've been clean and sober since 2016. So, if my math is right, 13 years of going in and out what would you say to somebody who's listening, who's tried a few times and feels like they just can't do it? 

Steve: I would say that don't ever quit, but you have to, you have to surround yourself with people that are doing the same thing. 

Lindsey: Yes, 

Steve: we're in bad company when we're by ourselves. We really are. Oh, I mean, we are, we're in bad trust. That's so good. Yeah. The disease really works on me or worked on me. When I was by myself, I never left with somebody and used, I always got that bright idea and instead of exposing it, that's another thing, tell on yourself, and, and don't feel weird about it because the person you [00:37:00] tell just might save your life. And they get it, they understand the obsession, but we like to keep it a secret. Oh. The wheels start spinning. 

Kelly: There's lots of shame. Yeah. 

Steve: Yeah. There's a lot of shame.

Lindsey: Exactly. Yeah. 

Steve: But don't be ashamed and surround yourself with people that are staying clean and sober, because that's, that's the recipe for success as far as I'm concerned.

Kelly: Mm-hmm., 

Steve: I certainly know the recipe for failure, I know it doesn't work. I know it doesn't. Yeah. And, and now I know it does work. Yeah. My buddy George said something to me once that. It's not in my book, but I'll never forget it. He said, you gotta find something you love more than drinking and drugging. 

Kelly: Mm. 

Steve: And then at my wedding, Mm oh yeah. He was like you found it kid. You found it. 

Kelly: Yeah. That's beautiful. 

Lindsey: Oh my God. Yeah. That was, I love that. 

Mike: Do you think with all the people that you met, through the sober houses, through [00:38:00] different treatments, through all these experiences, would you agree with this that, a lot of the problems that put these people on the path of starting anything that's destructive is not getting the right help or seeking help in relation to. Trauma or mental health at a young age and you're a teacher too, being that in that line of work too. I think there's just lots to reflect on as a youth and what we're exposed to. Not to say that your situation with your dad was horrible by any means, but you said he wasn't the type of guy that come home and grab a glove and say, Let's go play catch. Because potentially he worked all day, he had four kids before you, he kind of had gone down that road and it's like, there's just so many things that I think it bypassed. And I don't know that it's the parent's fault. I just think that there needs to be more support in society somewhere, somehow, whatever it is. And then people may not go down these roads, who knows. But did you come across a lot of people obviously, that you could sit now and sit back in [00:39:00] hindsight and go. That person, that person and that person and that person all have the same kind of ingredients, if you will. 

Steve: Yes, yes. I believe that. A lot of us, somehow something got broken when we were kids, 

Lindsey: yes. 

Steve: One of the treatment centers I was in did a really good work on this book called Reinventing Your Life, and it was about these schemas that we picked up as kids. And some of 'em are abandonment, I don't know, but I had a lot of 'em at the time. And it's a really, really good book. It was a very helpful to me and we worked out of that book and treatment and that opened my eyes a lot. And also, by doing step work my sponsor has given me some insight that I wasn't aware of. So, yeah, I think a lot of us got damaged when we were kids somehow or another, and some worse than others, but there's something we're trying to. Cover up or, or hide or, or block out, 

Kelly: Yeah, 

Steve: definitely. 

Mike: And parents don't even necessarily know because they're falling into the same traps that 

Lindsey: For sure. 

Mike: Their parents. 

Kelly: Yes. 

Mike: [00:40:00] Expose them to, I guess I've seen, I'm a part of it, you know? 

Kelly: Yes. 

Steve: Yeah. Mm-hmm. what we what we see, we learn what we learn, we do what we do, we become that type of thing. Right. 

Mike: And amazing. You're, you're not wrong. You're not wrong for sure. 

Lindsey: I feel like it's necessary too, in a way, thinking about some of our past guests and hearing your story, Steve you would've never written this book. And compiled all these quotes together. If you hadn't gone through all of these things and each of us sitting here, we wouldn't be sitting here interviewing Steve if we hadn't gone through our own stuff and we wouldn't have this podcast. I don't know. I just feel like it's all meant to happen. And we all have this thing in life where we are trying to transform. We don't know how to do it, really. We turn to substances or things like alcohol and drugs to help us or to try to connect us. And then we realize, well, shit, this isn't working. This is harming us. And then we evolve [00:41:00] and grow. Yeah. So, it's almost like we're meant to. endure that and go through it, we aren't bad people we're able to, I don't know, help others Steve, what are two rises from the ashes moments for you that stick out in your transformation from drinking and doing cracked? Now being a teacher and having a, you’re an author, you've got a book. 

Steve: Oh boy. Well, I teach in a prison and sometimes I look out and I see these guys in their jumpsuits and I say to myself, any particular night that I was out there, something could have happened that could have put me on the other side of this desk.

Lindsey: Holy shit. 

Steve: The only difference between me and these guys, some of them are in there for some horrific things, but some of them are in there for drugs and for DWI accidents, vehicular manslaughter, and drug and alcohol related. And I think to myself, I don't know why I'm on this side of the desk, but I'm sure [00:42:00] grateful for it, 

Tracey: mm-hmm., 

Steve: and Wow. I don't deserve to be here anymore than, I did everything that guy did. I just didn't happen to get into the car accident that killed someone. Mm-hmm., or I didn't rob that store and knocked the guy out, and he hit his head and he died. You know what I mean? Like, all these things could've happened to me that could've put me in that seat. For some reason they didn't. And yeah, I think of that and I just, I say thank, I don't know why, and someone said to me, you don't have to know why, but it comes with a responsibility. Mm-hmm. Yeah. The fact that you made it means you need to share your experience, strength, and hope, and you need to reach out to a newcomer, and you need to, you need to help people.

Tracey: Mm-hmm., 

Steve: because you're lucky., you're lucky. 

Lindsey: Wow. 

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Lindsey: I love that answer. Wow. 

Tracey: Yeah. It's true. it really puts things into perspective, right? 

Steve: Absolutely. 

Tracey: I think as you contribute or try to give back after you've had your own experience, even with us, with the podcast and all [00:43:00] the guests that we have the pleasure of meeting and even people that have reached out to us in this community, all of those experiences for us too, are a reminder of where we are and why we've made this choice and how thankful and blessed we are that we took this path as well, 

Kelly: mm-hmm., 

Steve: absolutely. I heard somebody say I didn't like it when I heard it at first, cuz it sounded egotistical. But someone in a meeting said, we are the chosen ones. Mm-hmm. And I was like, well, I don't know about that because I'm not any different than my buddy Mike who dropped dead from a cocaine overdose. But at the same time, we're here. And so why am I here? I mean, I didn't do anything different than Mike did. I happened to survive it and he didn't. So, okay, we are chosen. Chosen for what? Chosen to carry the message and help somebody. That's what I think it's about. Yeah. 

Mike: Chosen to keep going, right?

Steve: Yes. Chosen to stay in this process. Yes. Mm-hmm. 

Mike: make the best of every day. You get. 

Steve: Amen, man. Amen. And the older I get, the more I [00:44:00] realize how fragile life is. Mm-hmm., how tomorrow is not promised. And I've heard that a million times, but as I get older, People around me have died. I realize that's very, very true.

Tracey: Mm-hmm. 

Kelly: Yeah. 

Tracey: Yeah. Yeah. Well tell everybody Steven, where they can find your book and how they can help your cause. 

Steve: Sure. It's on Amazon. It's actually on a few places, but it's on the Amazon and I had a guy do an audio book. So, it's a guy with a very deep, you know, radio voice, I paid him to, to do a, to do the quote, an audiobook style, and that's awesome too.

So, a lot of my buddies have it and play it in their car when they're driving. It's not a book you read once and it's one of those things, you could read it, one quote a day cause mm-hmm. sometimes you hear it, but then that second time you hear it, you really hear it. You know what I mean?

Right. Yeah. And so, it's like a meeting, it's different. Yes, exactly. So yeah, Amazon is where and Barnes and Noble and [00:45:00] everybody knows it's Amazon. Thanks for letting me share. And it's on Amazon. You can get a paperback Kindle. Anybody that wants one, I'll be more than happy to send them out. I got a bunch of 'em. 

Tracey: Is there somewhere where people could directly reach you? Steve, are you on social media anywhere? 

Steve: I am, I'm on Facebook. I, I can give you my email address. It's Steve mac m a a yahoo.com. Okay. So, my, my email is steve mac alk yahoo.com and I check my email several times a day. I'll be more than happy to, anybody that wants a book, let me know. 

Kelly: That's awesome. 

Tracey: That's awesome. We will put all that stuff and your contact info in our show notes. 

Steve: Great. 

Mike: You've had that email address a long time. 

Steve: I have. How can was 

Mike: it was a that gave it away.

Steve: I've had it forever. 

Lindsey: I love it. That's good. 

Kelly: Oh, I love your [00:46:00] story, Steve, and I really think that what I hear from you is that one of the main ingredients to your success story is gratitude. You're so grateful, and I really love that. 

Steve: Yeah. It's important. I am, I'm very grateful. I'm very, very grateful. I have more than, I don't wanna say I deserve, but in a way I kind of do. Here's a good one. I told my sponsor once, a long time ago when I was bouncing in and out. I said, I can't believe where I am in life. I'm in another sober house. I got eight days clean. I should be teaching; I should be here. I should have a car. I should be, and he said, You're right. He listened to me, right? And then he said, You're right. You're not where you're supposed to be. You're supposed to be in jail. You're supposed to be in a wheelchair. You're supposed to be in

Kelly: the other way. 

Steve: Yeah. And I'll never forget that. I didn't even look at it like that. And he put me right in my place 

Lindsey: flipped it. 

Steve: Yeah. 

Lindsey: Yeah. Wow. 

Mike: He did it. He did it for the right reasons. And you get that. Yeah. People might have got that at [00:47:00] the time, right? 

Lindsey: No. 

Steve: Right. Yeah. 

Mike: And most people in that situation feel self pity and it's like, why aren't you listening to me? It's because you know why you need this. You need to be told the truth. Yeah. Absolutely. No sugar coat and bullshit like this what you need. So, kudos to that guy and people like him that, protect you. He is protecting you in some capacities. 

Steve: Right on. Yeah. They told me the truth. Yeah. The hell with your feelings. I'd rather step on your feelings than your grave. Right. 

Mike: And man, truth is hard. That's, that's for sure. Especially when you gotta tell it to yourself. Right, 

Steve: right. Exactly. When you know the truth. 

Mike: That's right. Thank you for sharing your story. 

Steve: Hey, thank you. Thank you all. I appreciate this has helped me.

Tracey: Yeah. Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story. It's really inspirational and like I said, it just really warms my heart what you've done and compiled there in honor of some of the people you've met. And it's really, really [00:48:00] special. And I love that you're giving back to the recovery community by just donating these books. And you're right, I'm sure they've touched so many people and there are quotes in there, I have no doubt, that are sticking in people's minds and helping them every day. 

Steve: Yeah. Please send me your addresses and I'll send you out some. 

Tracey: I'm, so I'll connect with you via email, Steven, send that to you. That would be amazing. 

Steve: Great. Much. I love your podcast. I was listening to a lot of episodes this past week, and your podcast is great. 

Kelly: Thank you. 

Tracey: Thank you. 

Lindsey: Thank Steve.

Tracey: Thank you to our listeners for listening. You can reach out to us on social media, on Instagram, at LAF Life Podcasts on Facebook, in our Facebook community. We'd like to thank Steve again for joining us, we'll be excited to share his book and his info in our show notes. Until next time, keep laughing. 

Kelly: Bye bye. 

Steve: Take care. 

Kelly: Bye. 

Tracey: Goodnight. 

Lindsey: Bye bye.

Steve: Nice meeting you. [00:49:00] Thank you. 

Mike: Nice to meet you.

Closing

Kelly: Thank you for listening. Please give us a five-star rating like and subscribe, share on social media and tell your friends. We love getting your feedback and ideas of what you'd like to hear on upcoming episodes of the laugh life podcast. If you yourself are living alcohol free and want to share your story here, please reach out.