Kim Kearns, On the Edge of Shattered, Season 2 Ep.10

In episode 10 it was great to meet our guest Kim Kearns a fellow sober and strong Mom and Podcaster. Kim just released her 1st book "On the Edge of Shattered", a memoir of her experience discovering freedom through sobriety. Kim shares her personal struggle with ending her unhealthy relationship with alcohol which like many had started in her youth. We found Kim very relatable as she reveals how she fell victim to the "Mommy Wine Culture" and the belief her drinking was  "normal" as she was surrounded by her drinking friends. With her supportive husband by her side, Kim was able to put together the shattered pieces to find her path to sobriety.

Connect with Kim on Instagram at  https://www.instagram.com/asoberandstrongmom
or https://www.instagram.com/kbkearns
Find out more about her and her book on Kim's website : https://www.kimberlykearns.com

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Transcript

Kim Kearns, On the Edge of Shattered, Season 2 Ep.10

Intro

[00:00:00] 

Kelly: welcome to the LAF life podcast, a lifestyle podcast based on living alcohol free and a booze-soaked world. My name is Kelly Evans and together with my friends, Tracey, Djordjevic, Mike Sutton and Lindsay Harik. We share uncensored. Unscripted real conversations about what our lives have been like since we ditched alcohol and how we got here by sharing our individual stories.

We'll show you that there isn't just one way to do this, no matter where you are on your journey from sober, curious to years in recovery and everyone in between, you are welcome here, no judgment and a ton of support.

Tracey: Hello everyone. Welcome to season two of the LAF Life Podcast. Tonight, is episode 10 and we have a lovely guest joining us, Kim Kearns. Kim is a sober and strong mom; she has been sobering for just over two years. She's an [00:01:00] author, just released a book on November 1st, and she's also a fellow podcaster. We are meeting Kim tonight and look forward to diving in and hearing more about her journey. Kim, maybe you wanna start by telling our listeners a little bit about your background and your history or relationship with alcohol. They may not know you as well as some of your own listeners, so they probably like to hear a little bit about you.

Kim: Sounds good. Well, thank you all for having me on here. I'm really excited and it's great to meet you all. So yeah, my story is that I stopped drinking about two years ago. I feel as though it's kind the standard story in the sense that I started drinking when I was 15. 14. Grew up in Connecticut. I feel like when you listen to these episodes from a podcast, everyone's always like, I had my first drink at, high school party. And that's exactly what it was for me as a high school kid. Trying to fit in and be part of the crowd. And [00:02:00] I found alcohol to be that social lubricant. The magical elixir to alleviate all the social anxiety that I felt as an awkward teen. I've written a lot about this in my book, but at the time there was a little bit of turmoil at home that I didn't really realize was going on at the time. My dad did end up leaving and moving out when I was 18. I wasn't so much aware of that at the time. My parents did a pretty good job of kind of shielding us all from that. I was the youngest of three girls. My older sisters were a year and a half and four years older than me. Grew up in Greenwich, Connecticut wealthy town and. Bounce from house, party to house party, we're hanging out in people's pool houses and, doing that kind of thing and stealing our parents' liquor, hanging my parents had their own issues going on, so they didn't really, they didn't really. Worry about me. They weren't really aware of what I was doing when I was in high school. And it wasn't until [00:03:00] college that, my dad moved out and left my mom and that's when the shit hit the fan for me once I went to college. am I allowed to swear? Sorry. 

Kelly: Yes. 

Lindsey: Oh, hell yeah.

Tracey: Absolutely. I'm sure we've dropped a couple f bombs off here once or twice. So, did your drinking Kim then kind of progress as you went to college? 

Kim: Yeah. So, I went to a small liberal arts college in Maine. I went to Colby College. And I would say again, every weekend, every Thursday, Friday, Saturday night it was all about getting wasted. Actually, ever since really the first time I got drunk when I was 14, 15 years old, I blacked out. So, every weekend I was blacking out since I was, 15 years old. I did that all through college. And I thought it was pretty normal and I thought, everyone was doing that. There were friends that said, oh yeah, I don't really remember last night either. So, I felt like I was kind of in good company. I felt like we were all doing it. It was like kind of a joke that we would buy these disposable cameras at [00:04:00] Walmart and then develop them on Sundays and look at the pictures and be like, oh my God, do you, I don't remember being at that party last night. And it was that kind of stuff. That was college and. I really felt as if I was terrified to walk around campus if I wasn't drunk, because I didn't know how to act if I wasn't drinking. I didn't know how to interact with people. During the daytime, I was just such a paranoid insecure little girl it seemed. But then I just became this confident. What I believe to be, sexy woman on Saturday nights. And that's what I felt alcohol did for me. Even though when I would see these pictures from Walmart, I looked like a hot mess. still believe that I was the sexy woman. So that's, that's how it was for me in college, and it just kept getting worse and worse. 

Tracey: So, then what happened kind of in your adulthood? [00:05:00] 

Kim: So, right. A lot of people say, okay, so you graduated college. Why did it, why did it keep getting worse? Mm-hmm., what happened? Mm-hmm. And there were various things that I would say at the time I didn't realize I was numbing and avoiding dealing with, one of them being my parents getting divorced.

And at the time in college, I acted like I didn't care. I was like, oh. I'm grown up now. My parents are getting divorced and who cares? I have my own life now and I never went back home to Connecticut spent summers in Boston and I believed that it didn't affect me, but I was only 18.

I was still a kid, and it definitely did. In retrospect, much later I'm able to look back on that in other various incidents that happened to me in college, and you'll have to read my book to find out things that happened that I started to drink heavily to forget about. So yeah, that numbing became. Kind of a regular thing for [00:06:00] me in my twenties. I met the man that I married to today. I met him at Colby when I was 18 years old actually. We stayed together and broke up for a little bit, but we got married when I was 25. And he has been with me through all of this, which is remarkable. So, it's interesting that our relationship was sort of born in that world of binge drinking. Mm-hmm. We were kids, 

Tracey: Was he a big drinker too? Was he partaking in that as well? 

Kim: Yeah, he was. He was drinking like that. And like I said, we all were. 

Tracey: Yeah, 

Kim: but my drinking continued to go like that in my twenties and thirties. And his did not, his stopped, he graduated college, went to law school, and he stopped drinking like that. And he used to say to me, why do you have to get so drunk? Why do you drink so much? 

Tracey: Mm-hmm. 

Kelly: I can relate to that, 

Kim: he didn't understand why when we went out to dinner, I had to have the entire bottle of wine and he would have half a beer and we would get up to leave the [00:07:00] table and I would just chug the rest of his drink and he'd be like, what are you doing? He just did not understand. It was physically impossible for me to. Have half a drink like he did. Mm-hmm. It took till I got sober for him to be reading everything that I was writing for him to finally get inside my brain and understand that. I'll get to that later. It was in my twenties, and we got married and I had kids young, I had my son at 28. I hate to say it, but I fell victim to the mommy wine culture. I had these babies, and I had my second child at 29 we were living in Boston at the time, right in the city, and I had, two little kids.

I was a stay-at-home mom. I was a teacher in my twenties, and I stopped, and then I was at home with the boys My husband was working long hours at a law office, and I found comfort in those three o'clock afternoon play dates at people's apartments with a bottle of wine. I was, up until that point, a weekend drinker I was drinking. Like, I was in [00:08:00] college on Saturday nights and it wasn't like I was getting blackout drunk every night through my twenties. It was more like when I would go out on one night a week and then all of a sudden happy hour started on a Monday at three o'clock it was like, Ooh, this is cool. This is different. It was a slippery slope and that changed everything for me. I would say I was about 30. 

Tracey: WOW yeah, I mean I think Kelly and I can definitely relate to the mommy wine culture 

Kelly: for sure. 

Tracey: We uh, fell victim to that too. I remember lots of occasions being with my girlfriends and doing things with our kids, with travelers, we didn't go anywhere without wine.

Kim: Yep. 

Tracey: I can relate to that. When you got in your thirties, cuz I mean, college binge drinking is what most people would consider a norm,

Kim: right? 

Tracey: Obviously, like you said, that carried on though. And then I'm gonna assume that it got to a point, did it progress to a daily habit? 

Kim: So, in my twenties, it was never a daily thing because I was working, I was [00:09:00] teaching and I had to get up early and commute and I would always get really bad hangovers. So, I never, it was never daily in my twenties, so it was never a problem for me and that's why I never ever was worried about my drinking, until I would say the last eight years. And because I was going out with people that were doing the same thing as me getting just as drunk all through my twenties, we were all doing the same thing. We were all hanging out on Sundays at brunch, different restaurants around Boston, hungover, having mimosas. It was so normal that I never thought it was a big deal to be getting so drunk on those Saturday nights, cuz then come Monday I would just go to work, and I wouldn't drink all week.

So that one day of blacking out wasn't a big deal. So then, I have my kids, I'm starting to have these couple days a week of, play dates with drinking wine or whatever. It starts to become a little more frequent it starts to change in the sense that I'm thinking about it more.

Kelly: Mm-hmm. 

Kim: There's a little bit more of a need and less of like, oh, I'm gonna go drink on, [00:10:00] one day a week. There's more. I don't know, I just wanted it more and I felt like a little bit more like I needed that release as opposed to when I would. In college or when I would go out on a Saturday and night, I would want that as a more of like, it was like a ritual. Everybody did it because we were all going out to dinner or in college. It was really like; I couldn't walk into a frat party without having been drunk. That was a different scene. But when I was a mom, it was just sort of my kids are screaming, I'm covered in poop, you know, from these dirty diapers. Just, ah, I just, I, it literally felt like that was my only reward at the end of the day, and not my child, not being a mom and not my sweet sleeping baby. Instead, it was like I, I lived for that glass of wine at the end of the day, and that's when it became not until I had my third child. So now I have three kids there right now, 8, 10, and 11. I had three kids under the age of four. And so yeah, I had three babies really. [00:11:00] I mean, it felt like at one point they were little. When I had that third child, eventually I did feel like it was becoming a daily. And, and that was when we moved out to the suburbs, and I found a crew of people that did love drinking every day.

Tracey: Mm-hmm. 

Kim: And it's like, you find those people, right? You find the people you gravitate towards, the crew that enable that behavior. 

Kelly: Yeah. Yeah. 

Kim: And encourage it, cuz your kind of all want to. Validate it and feel like nobody's doing anything wrong. 

Tracey: Oh yeah, I can relate to that too. 

Kelly: Yes, definitely. 

Kim: Yeah. 

Tracey: Definitely relate to the feeling like it's normal cuz everybody's doing it. 

Kelly: Yeah. 

Tracey: I still have friends that are like that. And once you kind of pull yourself out of it, you realize, I even realized during it. Okay. I think this is becoming a bit of an issue, it seems like almost a bit of an epidemic to me. This whole mommy drinking wine thing, 

Kim: Yes. Yes, it did. So, I live in a town called Needham. [00:12:00] It's about half hour outside of Boston. I started to. Feel that way. We moved here when my daughter was a couple months old, so it was about eight years ago. We moved across the street from actually a couple that went to college with us. So immediately felt like we were back home, like we were back in that, comfortable drinking scene and. Literally we would call it Sunday fun, where we would just spend all day drinking at one another's houses and just let the kids play in the basement and play video games. I wouldn't even remember going home I would not remember if I fed my kids dinner. And there's just so many shameful events that happened. And I write a lot about it in the book and blog about it. And I've spoken a lot about it because, I know a lot of people have a hard time. Going over those events in their past and those shameful, awful things. And I've been able to move past a lot of it. And I don't mean to laugh, but I laugh because it's shameful. Right. But yeah, there's just some awful things that I did because like, I keep saying this, but it's like everybody else was [00:13:00] doing it and I just found comfort in that and I think back and I'm like, why did I have to get so drunk? Why did I drink so much every single Sunday afternoon? I just thought I was having so much fun and I thought it was enjoyable. And I always just, chased that first initial 20-minute buzz and I loved that feeling and I would just keep trying to get it and achieve that.

Sensation until I was blacked out. That's kind of what I tried to explain to my husband. Who would, throughout the last eight years, or, six years before I stopped drinking, would try to sit me down and say to me after a bad night of drinking or if I like fell down in front of the kids or did something awful, he would, try to sit me down and say, what is going on? Why are you drinking so much? I'm worried about you. He never, yelled at me and he never told me that he thought I had a problem. He never told me I had to stop drinking. He just said, just be careful. And he was very worried, and he showed a lot of [00:14:00] concern and he said, whatever, you're doing, you need to just, you gotta talk to me more and I don't know what you're doing and why you're drinking so much.

 I didn't know either, but I would cry to him during those conversations, and I would get really angry at him. But it was like he was slowly chipping away at me. 

Kelly: Mm-hmm. 

Kim: And it was like he was slowly cracking me open. He didn't even realize it, but, and I didn't realize it at the time, I knew. Something was going on and it would take, five years for me to come to that point of finally realizing it. November 28th, 2020, 20 during the pandemic. And it wasn't anything particularly bad that happened. This weekend, it was Thanksgiving weekend. We had a pretty drunken night with neighbors cuz it was during the pandemic, and we weren't like going out, but we were hanging out in people's driveways and things like that.

Maybe we were on Zoom, I forget. But. The night before we had just been home with [00:15:00] my kids and but I, it was one of those mornings where I woke up at, 3:00 AM 4:00 AM in that awful shame spiral, and I was just laying there totally depressed and feeling like I hated myself like I had done so many times before. I just had this feeling that it was different, and I looked over at my husband. He's just like sleeping soundly like he always did on those mornings where I'm like laying there feeling horrible about myself and he's just asleep. I got up and I looked at myself in the mirror and how many times did I look in the mirror and just look at myself and say, you're fucking idiot.

 I hate you. What is wrong with you? I did that, so, 

Lindsey: oh God, I've been there.

Kelly: Me too. 

Kim: Yep. And I looked at myself in the mirror and I was like, why do you keep doing this? Like, why? And I got back in bed, and I had this feeling like, come over me. I remember thinking it's now or never. You need to say something to him. And I poked him, and I woke him up and I shook him, and I said, Evan, Evan, wake [00:16:00] up. I need you. And he sat up and he's like, what's wrong? What's wrong? He thought something was like wrong with me or the kids. And I was like, no, no, no. I was like, what would you say if I asked you to help me stop drinking?

Lindsey: Mm oh. 

Kim: And he was, I will do anything to help you. It was almost like he'd been waiting for waiting. Yeah. Yeah. It was like he had been patiently waiting, so he stopped drinking with me for like nine months. it was pretty amazing. He just poured everything out. Every bottle of wine, every little thing of Kahlua, every weird drink that we had in the house, I don't even know what it was, old beers in the basement.

I made him throw everything out. He stopped drinking with me. It was nine months later that I was finally like, you should try a drink because it's fine. I'm okay with it. But he was really supportive. But yeah, that day. Felt something really different. And it was almost like something aligned in my brain, something clicked.

It's so hard to describe. It was [00:17:00] almost like a weight had been lifted that I didn't even know was holding me down. And I knew that I had to seize that moment because if I didn't say something, it would pass me by, and I wasn't sure if I'd. find that courage again. But I am so grateful every day that I said something because I feel so incredibly free and oh my God, I'm so happy that I said something to him. I know I'm very lucky that I have a supportive spouse and also a spouse that. Doesn't struggle with alcohol. Mm-hmm. because he was able to just say, yeah, I'm fine, let's do this. And I know that is really lucky because not everybody has that. 

Tracey: Yeah, for sure. Well, and good for him that he did try to talk to you. About it, on numerous occasions. Even though he may not have realized at the time that you had a drinking problem, he knew something was wrong. So good. He was approaching you and like you said, potentially that was what was kind of chipping away at it for you.

Kim: Mm-hmm. 

Tracey: Tell us a little bit about how Sobriety's been for you.

Kim: Yeah. that day [00:18:00] that I stopped drinking, I actually started blogging. I started writing journaling and I didn't know where to write and how to write. Oh, I know. Knew how to write, obviously, but I didn't know where to put it. And so, I started putting it. I've like literally opened up a blog that day, which sounds crazy and really weird, but I had nowhere else to put it and I didn't wanna hand write it. I told my husband I was doing this, and I was like, you need to read it because if you don't read everything that I need to say that I'm scared I'm gonna start drinking again. So, I want you to hold me accountable. And so, he was sort of my accountability partner. I would write multiple blog entries and he would read them all. I was a creative writing minor in college and an English teacher, an English major, I loved to write for so long. It was almost as if. The words and the writing and everything had been stuck and blocked for so long under all this alcohol. As soon as I stopped drinking, just the [00:19:00] words came pouring out of me. And I had so much to say and so many feelings that needed to come out that I had been numbing. And they all just came pouring out. So, I had a whole lot to. And a lot to write about. I find it's easiest for me to convey my thoughts and feelings through writing. that was a lot of what the first few months of my sober journey was all about.

I joined the Luckiest Club on Zoom. Mm-hmm. and Sober mom. Cause it was in the middle of the pandemic. Mm-hmm. And I started going to those meetings every day I went to a different meeting and found really great support that way. I started my Instagram account and just started meeting people on there. Found great support that way What was interesting is oh, and I told a handful of friends around here in live, real people in my town that I was not drinking. And it was received pretty [00:20:00] well from a couple people. But for the most part, everybody here still drinks and. My relationships have really changed.

Kelly: Yeah. 

Kim: So that's been interesting, really interesting. yeah, it's I don't go to any recovery meetings anymore. That was really important to me in the beginning, but I no longer attend those instead. I have the support of a couple really great friends that are sober here. One of them. Is the person that I do my podcast with the weekend sober. She stopped drinking just under a month after I did. She's a good friend here in town and she found the inspiration to stop because I stopped and 

Tracey: that's awesome. Yay. 

Kim: Great. 

Kelly: Love that. 

Kim: We sort of walked this road together these past couple years and it's been really cool. That's my friend Catherine, and yeah, we. Just kind of figuring it out and. throughout this whole thing, I started writing, blogging, [00:21:00] people started reading it and I started connecting with others. And then while I was blogging, I realized there was a lot more that I wanted to write about besides sobriety, and that was exploring my past and how that contributed to my drinking, which is why I started writing my book in my memoir. So that actually was really helpful with my recovery, and it's been a big part of it these past two years. Book just came out. I self-published it I'm really proud of it. And ultimately, I wanted to get my story out there because in those early days, when. Blogging and trying to hold myself accountable and, attending those meetings on Zoom through the luckiest club. I was also devouring. Quit lit. I was trying to just read every story I could, and I felt so alone because I didn't know many people that didn't drink. So, I just wanted to know that there were other women out there like me.

Tracey: Mm-hmm. 

Kim: So, Laura McCowan, who started the Luckiest Club, her book we Are the Luckiest and mm-hmm. That was one of the first ones that I read. [00:22:00] And I was so inspired by her story and there's just so many other books that stories that really moved me and made me feel not alone. So that's why I wanted to tell my story and put it out there. For the women.

Kelly: What's your book called, Kim? 

Kim: It's called On the Edge of Shattered. 

Tracey: And it's available on, Amazon, 

Kim: Amazon, Barnes and Noble. The audible version. The audiobook is coming out beginning of December, 

Tracey: what's your blog called, Kim? 

Kim: My blog is Kimberly kerns.com. And my Instagram is a sober and strong mom. It's been great. To hear so much wonderful feedback from people that have read my book. It's cool to hear people that have read it and say, I don't struggle per se with alcohol, but it's really made me rethink my relationship with alcohol.

Or you know, my spouse really struggles with drinking, so this really gives me, allows me a better perspective as to, what he or she went through and [00:23:00] it's just really cool to hear from so many people and to connect with people all over the world actually. It's been great. So 

Kelly: it's amazing. 

Tracey: Yeah. We feel that way having the podcast. 

Kim: Yeah. 

Tracey: We've had that experience too. 

Kelly: Yeah, 

Tracey: and it is nice. It does bring people together and like-minded people or people that have been through similar things, and it does make you feel like you're not alone. It's such a supportive community. 

Kim: Yeah. That's what blew me away. With the Instagram community, I was just like, oh my God, everyone's so nice. 

Kelly: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

Kim: It's a point

Lindsey: I have to say. In the beginning when you were telling your story about when you were with your husband and trying to figure out why you were drinking so much. I've never had anybody vocalize it like you. And I was like, oh my God, I pointed at the screen. I'm like, that's me. Chasing that, 20 minutes in and you have that feeling. And that was me. I was always chasing that feeling, which. Drove me to keep drinking. 

Kim: Mm-hmm. 

Lindsey: [00:24:00] And then at like a certain point it was already too far gone.

Kim: Yeah. 

Lindsey: And I kept wanting to drink more and I would black out almost every time I drank. And I was a weekend drinker. I wasn't somebody that drank every day, ever. I was a one night a week. It was either a Friday or a Saturday, and I was always chasing that feeling that you get 30 minutes. Cuz, I remember when I was married, there was one particular instance that stands out in my head and it's me waking up at five in the morning and my spouse, it was after a bad night yet again cuz I drank way too much and just sobbing as he held me. And he was like, why do you do. and I'm like, I don't know that this isn't me and I don't wanna do this, but what do you think next weekend? Guess where I went to the wine store to buy two bottles of wine? Because I'm not just gonna drink one, I'm gonna open the second one. oh man. Yeah, I can totally relate to that. And it's so funny because the [00:25:00] whole. Mommy wine culture. I don't have kids, but I really see it. It's like all these stressed out women trying to connect with each other and the memes make it funny and give you that permission to just whoops, pop open the cork and oh my God, I just poured this glass of wine and you're trying to bond with each other and maybe bond over the stress of everything that you're all experiencing. But you're actually killing any connection because you, even after all that drinking, you still feel alone. And you're discovering when you're sober, all of these books and groups, and now you're like, oh, I don't feel so alone anymore. But alcohol never solves that problem. 

Kim: Right? Yeah, I know. 

Kelly: Yeah. 

Mike: I got a question for you. 

Kim: Okay. 

Mike: So, when you were pregnant, obviously my knowledge is women are pregnant for around nine months. And correct me if I'm wrong, because I've never been pregnant mm-hmm., did you have breaks where you had to stop? Did you stop drinking during those [00:26:00] times?

Kim: Yeah, that's a really good question. First time I was pregnant I had no problem. I had been working and, never really was drinking once a week, was drinking maybe Saturday night. then when I got pregnant the second time it. Pretty quickly. My son was nine months old, and I found out I was pregnant again. Oh, and. Yeah. This is gonna sound really crazy, but I actually really enjoyed being pregnant. It was really that was one of those weird ladies that loved, loved being pregnant. I like took pictures of my bump and one of those people so even with a nine-month-old being exhausted, I still didn't mind being pregnant. Even the third time around. I wasn't drinking every night when I had my two kids when I found out I was pregnant with my third. I wasn't drinking every day at that point. And I was so excited to be pregnant again. I just loved that state. I don't know. A I slept really well. And b [00:27:00] I don't know. I honestly think that I was in a state of detox for nine months and. My body loved it. It was like, you're not drinking alcohol. Like, now I think about it. Back then I was like, I had no idea. But now I think about it and I'm like, oh my God, I wasn't drinking alcohol then. So, I was like, loving pregnancy. Mm-hmm. That's probably why it was the only time in my entire adult since I was 14 that I wasn't drinking. 

Lindsey: Wow. 

Kim: Towards the end of my pregnancy, I would have like one glass of wine. Mm-hmm. out to dinner or something every now and again. Because everyone's like, you can drink when you, and I was like, oh, I'm not gonna lie, I definitely did that. But I didn't miss it. Like I was fine. Totally didn't crave it. I wasn't like that. But I think that I really, I liked it because it was like detoxing and I was sleeping ball. 

Kelly: So, it sounds like you live in a smaller town.

Kim: Yeah. 

Kelly: What advice would you give to somebody to navigate around those social situations? It sounds like [00:28:00] not everybody that you were drinking, has embraced your sobriety, or accepted it. And I think that's a fear that a lot of people have that they're not gonna be accepted if they quit. 

Kim: That is a really great question. I think that was my biggest fear when I was still drinking. I think I was scared. People wouldn't embrace me, but I was also worried about what am I gonna do and am I gonna be fun? And how am I gonna have fun, that I just didn't know myself without alcohol. In the game plan, I'm like, what's life without it? Obviously. We can talk all day about how great life is without it, but 

Kelly: Sure. 

Kim: But your question is really important. How do you feel comfortable around those people that may not feel comfortable around you? Right. Ultimately, I think that those people that are struggling to be around you, because you're sober is really a reflection on them in their relationship with alcoholic.

Kelly: Yes.

Kim: And that's what I have come to realize. Mm-hmm. That the people that don't wanna be around me and [00:29:00] that stopped inviting me over to their house and stopped inviting me out to dinner was because seeing me not drinking was shining a light on their own behavior. And it was like holding a mirror up to them, and they didn't. Me to rock the boat. It was almost like, I was kind of a big partier in, in our group of friends and the last one to leave, the first one to arrive always the person to open that extra bottle of wine. People didn't like that I was shaking things up 

Kelly: Right. 

Kim: I like pulled the string and things started to unravel and it's like, what are you doing, Kim? Stop. a lot of people. Stopped including me because it was outta sight outta mind. If Kim's not there, then we don't have to think about the fact that alcohol is a thing.

Lindsey: I think that's a good thing. I don't think those people are supposed to go with you to the next level. 

Kim: Exactly. 

Lindsey: It's okay to outgrow and do personal growth and now you're up here and you're inviting them up, but if they don't wanna come with you, they don't.

Kim: That's okay. They don't need [00:30:00] to then they, they don't need to on their own, they're on their own path's. Right. Yep. I'm gonna keep moving forward. Yeah. And if they wanna join me they can, but I'm not That's right. Gonna let them hold me back. Mm-hmm. I feel that, especially with putting my book out there publishing my book, I feel very strongly about telling my story in that, it’s hard for some people to read and hear about what I have to say with my story and the things that I write about in terms of, the drinking culture. But I think it's really important for me to tell my story. It's my story, it's my truth. If it's hard for people to read, then it's for them to figure out. 

Lindsey: That's right. It's on them.

Kim: Yeah, yeah, 

Tracey: they don't have to read it then, 

Lindsey: That's right. Right. The name of your book, it's called On the Edge of Shattered. Wow. That's super powerful. I'm curious, I wanna know, when I read that title, I'm like, what does Shattered it's almost like you weren't quite shattered. You were right [00:31:00] there on the edge of it, but what would shatter look like? If it had gone that far, would your marriage have ended? Was it at that point, 

Kim: do you want me to answer that? 

Lindsey: Explain maybe or talk a little bit about the title of the book. 

Kim: I think that a lot of things could have shattered 

Lindsey: yeah. 

Kim: I talk. How there were so many things that were kind of on the brink of falling apart.

Lindsey: Yeah. Like they were cracking, right? 

Kim: Yeah. And myself, just in terms of sort of emotionally I was falling apart. 

Lindsey: Yeah. 

Kim: I talk a lot about putting up this facade and having this kind of image a lot of my friends said, when I told them about how I stopped drinking and, the opening scene in my book is how I'm sneaking vodka from my kids in the morning and behind their back and my husband.

Lindsey: Wow.

Kim: Like, that's the opening, it's like the day before I stopped drinking. And, and so many people just never saw that. Never knew. They're like, Kim, 

Lindsey: I was gonna say 

Kim: everything [00:32:00] together. You had the perfect life. Two weeks before we were out in a field taking Christmas photos and we all looked perfect.

And you know, it's like 

Lindsey: Instagram perfect, right? Yeah. 

Kim: Yes. Nobody knew that on the inside. I was literally, On the edge, edge of shattering. 

Lindsey: Yeah. 

Kim: I was cracking, I was just breaking, crumbling. 

Lindsey: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm., 

Kim: and I was just so hurt, and nobody knew how 

Lindsey: struggling 

Kim: much. Yeah. How hard it was, 

Lindsey: mm-hmm., 

Kim: and there was just so many different pieces of it that were falling apart from me, you gonna read it? 

Lindsey: I'm excited. I'm definitely gonna order this book. The title, everything. I wanna know what happens. I wanna know why it's called that. I wanna, wow. That's the opening scene in the book. Oh my god. 

Kelly: Lindsay's hooked already. 

Lindsey: Yeah, I am. 

Kim: So, I tell the story of my sobriety, but I go back in time I go back to like when I started drinking, when I was in high school and go through college and so like what happens with my family and [00:33:00] me and I, and then I also go through the first 365 days of sobriety.

Kelly: Oh, that's great.

Kim: Talk a lot about parenting and my kids and I'm a very open book when it comes to my kids in sobriety and another part of my sober journey is just talking to my kids and being really Ooh. Yeah, really just honest with them and authentic and trying to put it all out there for them. And I always said if nobody reads my book, at least someday my kids will see this and have this and will know what I have been through for them. 

Tracey: You could think that they understand much of it. 

Kim: The book or the sobriety? 

Tracey: No, do you think they remember anything about your drinking or, you said your oldest is 11.

Kim: Yeah. I think he remembers, and he gets it. I actually interviewed all three of them on my podcast. 

Lindsey: Oh, that's amazing. 

Kim: Yeah. And I asked them questions like, do you remember what it was like when I drank? How I different now than when I used to drink wine? And my daughter, my [00:34:00] youngest, she's eight. She's like, I remember you used to always have a bottle of wine on the counter. Sink and you, and you support before you bring me upstairs to go to bed. And you always have a glass. And so, she re there's things that she, her 

Kelly: knew your ritual. 

Kim: Yep. and that was when she was, six, five. And then there's things that my son, He remembers. And he's used to yell a lot more mom and, think he hangs on, he remembers very specific events. And he, I remember we used to go to so-and-so's house and you guys used to always sit around and drink the beer out of that bottle and blah, blah, blah, blah. And used to drink wine like this and used to always talk with So and so at the counter over there and drink wine over there. And he knows and he's like, oh, at the Christmas party at the club and do this. And he just, he remembers he hangs onto details. He's also very perceptive, so he knows. My middle son, he's a little, he remembers, he knows, and he's a little more empathetic, so he's not, Direct, but they know, they pick up on so much and ultimately not, 

Lindsey: we think we hide it. Right. You think you're doing a good [00:35:00] job. Like, oh, you know, it's good. It's not gonna affect them, or they don't know. They know. 

Kim: Mm-hmm., 

Lindsey: they might not even be able to explain it or even understand at the time, but yeah. Yeah. Wow. 

Kim: Yeah. No, my son said, I know when we used to go trick or treating that you had wine in your mug.

Lindsey: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Oh

Kelly: yeah. Yeah. 

Kim: Yeah. 

Mike: Do you ever go to any type of therapy at. For dealing with the trauma of your youth. 

Kim: Yes. Yeah. I see a therapist every week. Sorry. That is, that is key. 

Mike: Yeah. Yeah. A hundred percent 

Kim: Name is Ronnie. She's wonderful and I love her. And she used to be sane. Everyone should see a therapist. 

Kelly: I think that's a big fear that people have too, mm-hmm., if I quit drinking, then I'm gonna have to face the reasons why I did drink this way and go back and look. those hard things. 

Kim: Mm-hmm., I think that. I actually didn't even know that I would have to do that. I just had in my mind, I'm gonna stop drinking and these are my reasons why I wanna stop. And I kept going over my five reasons why, [00:36:00] because I don't wanna black out. I don't wanna be mm-hmm. This to my husband. I don't wanna do this. And I just go over those five reasons why for the first two or three months and then all of a sudden, it clicked, and I was like, oh, I have to think about why I drank in the first place.

That was a whole other level that I got to and that's when the real work started, obviously. And yeah, and I was working with a therapist, and she was like, oh yeah, you're very angry. And I was like, I'm not angry. What are you talking about? and. I remember that day. And I started with, working on stuff in my past and yeah, I remember thinking, oh my God, and just uncovering things left and right and just being so surprised. I think you're right. If people start to sit in those things and do the work and really uncover that scary stuff it can make him go back to it. And that's mm-hmm., and that's scary.

Kelly: It's scary, but temporary. Yes. Yeah, yeah. 

Tracey: Yeah. Well, we're so suppressed when we're drinking. Right, 

Kim: right. 

Mike: That's the first time you went to some type of therapy, after you [00:37:00] sobriety. 

Kim: Yeah. 

Mike: Yeah. My own experiences, I went to a guy for four years, once a week. He was the best thing I ever did. I was still in that cycle of drinking and smoking lots of weed. I remember him saying, he didn't really say like, you should quit, but he will put those little barbs out there if you consider doing this and this, maybe things will change. They put it on you really. Right. They challenged with not so much the questions, but more the way that the conversation goes. And I think you start. Break down these things psychologically and go, yeah, I gotta challenge myself and what does this really mean? What's it means to my soul? Or whatever you wanna call it. 

Kim: Yeah. 

Mike: Well, good for you. That's awesome. I'm glad to hear that you do that. Thanks. Super, super, super important. Like you said that we all should at some point in time go to some type of therapy.

Kim: Yeah. 

Lindsey: You might not even know that you need it. I think everybody needs it, but yes, him. When you were saying your parents got divorced when you were, was it 18? You were 18?

Kim: Yeah, I was 18. 

Lindsey: Yeah. So, my parents got divorced and I was in my [00:38:00] twenties and I thought the same thing. In fact, I probably still kind of have that, oh no, I'm fine. It's not gonna affect me. I'm an adult. But you know what? When you are really. Sit down and think about it. Like I tend to push all these things down, right? Which is what alcohol helped me to do as well and not deal with it and think I'm fine. Like okay, but I will cry at the drop of a hat thinking about it and I'm like, obviously there's still things here that I've gotta deal with. So, yeah, I think therapy is super important. Even if you think, well I don't have anything to talk about. I think you need to go, cuz. That can bring out all these things, or I don't know. Sometimes they just ask those questions and get you talking and then you're like, what? Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. There is something there. Oh. App not even realize. Right? 

Kim: Yeah. So true. And if it's not the right therapist, try somebody else because they, 

Lindsey: yes. Mm-hmm., that's important. 

Kim: Yeah. Yes, so true. [00:39:00] 

Tracey: I'm a strong believer that everybody needs someone in their life, whether it be a therapist or a friend. Personally, I haven't gone to a therapist, which it's not cuz I don't believe in them or anything. I just haven't taken the opportunity to do that for myself and I probably should. I think that to myself, often, I just have never taken the time to do it. But I am a strong believer, and everybody should have someone in their life. Ask them the hard questions because I think it's the hard questions that force us to grow, force us out of our comfort zone, and force us to really think and deal with things in a way in which we wouldn't if somebody wasn't asking those questions.

So, if you don't have someone that is asking you hard questions or making you uncomfortable Sometimes with questions, then you're really just staying in a strong comfort zone and you're not growing, you're just staying stuck and stagnant. 

Kim: Yeah. Mm-hmm. challenging you. 

Tracey: I think that therapists do that in a professional way. Right? 

Kim: Right. 

Tracey: Then [00:40:00] there's somebody that's an outside non-judgemental person that you can say whatever to. 

Kim: Yeah, friend 

Tracey: There's probably some people that feel more comfortable with that than maybe talking to a friend or someone they know. that's a great recommendation.

Kim: Mm-hmm.

Kelly: Two or three of your favorite things about being sober in the last few years. 

Kim: Sleep. 

Kelly: Yes.

Kim: I was never a great sleeper, so this definitely probably top of my list. It's incredible how much I love to sleep now, and I used to actually hate nighttime. because I had such anxiety around sleep.

Lindsey: Yes. Mm-hmm., I can, 

Kim: Some nights I wouldn't even feel like drinking, but I would drink just to go to bed. Mm-hmm., I would drink to be sleep. And so now I just love sleep. I also, along the same vein, I love my early mornings, so I'll go to bed early, and I love waking up early and that first sip of coffee. There's just nothing like it. [00:41:00] Kind of like do you to feel about that? Like you were saying, that first and sip. 

Kelly: I was just gonna say that. I call that that's my new happy hour. Yeah. Yeah. Happy new, happy hour is morning. 

Kim: I say same things as I sit on the couch with my wine and melt into the couch. Oh. With my wine now I'm like this with my coffee in the morning. Yeah. I have my first. I rise and I'm like, woo. 

Kelly: Yes. I'm exactly the same the day. Yeah. Good. Amazing. 

Kim: Yes. 

Tracey: That's awesome. 

Kim: And one more thing. I really, it sounds cliche, but I just, I used to try to get through. The time that I spend with my kids, and now I really am more present. Mm-hmm., I'm a more present mother. Mm-hmm. and I'm more 

Lindsey: That's a good one. 

Kim: It's really, that has been the most special change that I've noticed in myself. Mm-hmm. Being able to just be there, be with them more,

Kelly: And they know they can read that. I found the exact same thing, I also have three kids and I wouldn't have said it, my [00:42:00] drinking really impacted them in a huge negative way or anything like that. But yeah, that was the one thing that I noticed is that I was way more. Present and they can sense that. They could sense when I was just wanting them to go to bed so that I could drink my wine. Exactly. As opposed to, now even I just have one at home now he's 16, but he knows like if my bedroom door's open, he comes and sits with me in bed and I never would've given off that same, right.

 Openness before when all I wanted to do was drink. Yeah. 

Kim: Now I'm like, I'm gonna hand then read, but you can come lay down with me. 

Kelly: Exactly. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. 

Kim: But yeah, they say I laugh more and I'm no, and I, I just, I never used to laugh. I just never, I didn't have that, authentic ability to just be silly. It was mm-hmm. less I was wasted. Yeah. Which was, 

Tracey: Well, it's a gift you're giving them back to, right? Your presence. That's about the best gift you can give them. 

Kim: Yeah, I think so. 

Tracey: Well, thank you so much for [00:43:00] joining us, Kim. It's been a pleasure meeting you and it's great to connect with a fellow sober person in this community and doing similar things to us and sharing your story and getting your message out. Tell people one more time where they can find you or the best way to connect. 

Kim: Yeah. So, on Instagram I am @asoberandstrongmom, or KB Kerns. I have two Instagram accounts. But you can also go to kimberlykerns.com and my book is on the edge of Shattered, and you can get that on Amazon or Burns and Noble.

Tracey: Amazing. 

Lindsey: So excited to pick it up. I can't wait actually. 

Kim: Thank you, 

Lindsey: Welcome. 

Tracey: Yeah, I'll grab it on audio when it comes on audio cuz I haven't been really good with the handheld books these days, 

Kim: but I at that, well hopefully, yes, that'll be out within the next couple weeks, so 

Tracey: that's awesome. Congratulations on that.

Lindsey: Yes, 

Kelly: yes. Congratulations Kim. Thank you. 

Kim: One last thing. I'm gonna be writing the third season of [00:44:00] fucking sober, the first 90 days, which is a narrative podcast so that my story will also be the third season of that, which will be hopefully coming out in January. 

Lindsey: Love that. 

Tracey: Awesome. Perfect. We'll have to have a listen to that too. Yeah. Okay. Well thank you to our listeners and you can also find us on Instagram @laflifepodcast and join our Facebook community at LAF Life as well. Until next time, keep laughing. Good night. 

Kelly: Bye. Thank bye.

Mike: Thanks, Kim. 

Kim: Thank you.

Closing

Kelly: Thank you for listening. Please give us a five-star rating like and subscribe, share on social media, and tell your friends. We love getting your feedback and ideas of what you'd like to hear on upcoming episodes of the laugh life podcast. If you yourself are living alcohol free and want to share your story here, please reach out.