Season 3 Opener, Dating Sober

We are opening Season 3 with an always HOT topic, dating sober. We talk about how to have what may be difficult conversations about alcohol with kids as well as your potential love match.  As your hosts catch up on what they have been up to over the summer, our 2 single ladies share some big news about how they found their great new dating partners. If your newly single and trying an alcohol free lifestyle, this episode is definitely for you! Tune in to hear the ladies best practices for dating sober!

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**Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this episode are not professional or medical opinions. If you are struggling with an addiction please contact a medical professional for help.

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Song: Rise and Thrive
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Transcript

Kelly: 0:03

welcome to the LAF life podcast, a lifestyle podcast based on living alcohol free and a booze soaked world. My name is Kelly Evans and together with my friends, Tracey Djordjevic, and Lindsay Harik. We share uncensored. Unscripted real conversations about what our lives have been like since we ditched alcohol and how we got here by sharing our individual stories. We'll show you that there isn't just one way to do this, no matter where you are on your journey from sober, curious to years in recovery and everyone in between, you are welcome here, no judgment and a ton of support.

Tracey: 0:42

Hello everyone and welcome to the LAF Life Podcast. It is season three. I can't believe it. I'm here today with my beautiful co host Kelly Evans and Lindsay Harik. We do not have Mr. Mike Sutton joining us. Something new to this season. It will just be us three ladies. Unfortunately, Mike has had too much other personal commitments to commit to joining us weekly on the podcast. He's been an amazing contributor in the past. And of course, our, special male. And With his male input. So we will miss him, but he is going to pop by and visit us for a couple episodes. So we'll look forward to that. And we might also actually have some other male guest hosts. So that's exciting as well.

Kelly: 1:35

Yeah. Yeah. Season three. Hi guys.

Tracey: 1:38

Hi, ladies.

Lindsey: 1:39

Hey. Hello.

Tracey: 1:41

So nice to see you.

Lindsey: 1:42

I feel like it's been forever.

Kelly: 1:44

I know. How long was that break? Yeah. A lot has happened. Yeah. But it's good. Yeah. Yeah. We need a break sometimes.

Tracey: 1:51

But it does seem like a long time. So how was your girls summers anyways?

Kelly: 1:56

Amazing. Really good.

Lindsey: 1:58

So good. Yes. I agree. I agree. Really good. But went so fast. How is it? How is it the end of September? I don't get this. Yeah.

Kelly: 2:07

This is airing what, October 4th we're going to air? This yeah, September 27th today. It's crazy. Yeah. Oh my God. But I feel like our summer started in May because the weather was so great. May to the end of September. It was beautiful it's fall. I can't believe it. It did go really fast. But don't we always feel that way. Summer's way too short.

Lindsey: 2:30

I don't know. This has been the quickest year of my life so far. I feel like I'm going to say that every year from now on though, and I don't know why. It's gone really fast.

Kelly: 2:39

Yeah, that's what they say. I was saying to my youngest, the 17 the other day, I said, he said something about time going by fast. And I said, yeah, a lot of people say the older you get, the quicker time goes by. And he thought that was really interesting. But

Tracey: 2:52

I think it's worse when you have children, Lynn. So you don't have that. Working.

Lindsey: 2:56

I do not have that. No. And I'm like, okay, I'm super clear headed, right? It's not like we're drinking and blacking out and not remembering stuff. I'm so present. I'm clear headed. And I'm like, how is time moving so fast? Yeah.

Tracey: 3:09

Oh, my gosh. My daughter turned 14 the other day. It's like, where seriously? Did I blink? And she is like full human. like a full size human,

Kelly: 3:23

she's a mini U, that's for sure. Tracee, she looks so much like you. Yeah, she's, yeah. She's not my baby girl anymore. but I told her she'll always be my baby girl. It doesn't matter how old she is. Yeah. Yeah.

Lindsey: 3:37

Do you talk to your daughter about drinking?

Kelly: 3:39

I was going to ask that if there was any drinking situations this summer with Maddie.

Lindsey: 3:42

Yeah. It just popped into my head.

Tracey: 3:44

I do have very open conversations with her about everything because I really want her to feel comfortable to talk to me. So I did, especially with her going into high school. It was a big concern of mine. I just have a lot of anxiety about it in general. I think I'm more worried about it than she is, but I am really worried about, the social aspects and the influences and stuff like that. I think I'm pretty lucky and fortunate. She's a pretty strong willed kid. And so far, she's never had a problem saying no, or being able to voice her opinion of not wanting to be involved in something. So hopefully she carries that on. But I had some conversations with her about definitely about the fact that, you're probably going to have friends that are going to be trying these things and you're going to be in situations where you're going to try or your friends will be trying and just know that you can say no, if you don't want to and you're not comfortable, never feel forced into it. Also, if you do say yes and try it, don't ever out of fear. Not talk to me about it or not have me come get you if you're in a situation where you're not comfortable, or you're feeling out of control because you've had something to drink I just want her to feel really comfortable that, although I might be disappointed, I'm never going to be so upset or mad about it. I don't want to help you. My number 1 priority is to make sure you're safe. you have to be realistic. I hope she makes good decisions and decides it's not her thing and she doesn't want to do it. But at the same time, if she does, It's Make poor choices here and there, which is bound to happen, then I want her to feel comfortable that she has a place to land.

Kelly: 5:33

Yeah. Really good.

Lindsey: 5:34

I never had those conversations. Me neither. My parents.

Kelly: 5:37

No, they were just like, don't do it.

Lindsey: 5:39

Yeah. I don't even think we had maybe I'm trying to think. Maybe we did have that don't drink too much kind of thing, but it was never something where it was an open conversation about, drinking alcohol, over consuming it, what can happen. Or, if you're in a situation where you have too much to drink, I don't care what time it is, call us I've, I never had that. I did have that with my parents.

Kelly: 6:02

Yeah. I remember your mom being like that. Yeah. My parents were open though. Anyways, when we were 15, 16, they allowed us to have alcohol as long as we were with them. when we had parties, they were always present when we had friends over. So if people were drinking, they would be present and make sure that nothing out of control was happening. They were open in that sense. But they never had kind of preemptive conversations with me about, okay you're going into this stage of your life and this might be what happened. And nor did they ever have a conversation with me about what potentially would happen to me if I got drunk, right? Like what effects it might have on me or anything like that, so those are the type of things I do try to warn my daughter about. I've also talked to her about the fact that she could put herself in a very vulnerable position with boys. Yeah. That you have to be conscious of that too. I told her never go to a party and allow yourself to be, locked in a room or put in a room by yourself with a boy, even if you like him.

Tracey: 7:03

Because you don't know you need to be cautious and make sure you really know that person and trust them. Don't just because you might think they're cute or whatever, put yourself in those vulnerable positions. You have to be very careful.

Kelly: 7:17

Yeah, that's great, Trace. I wish somebody had said that to me. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, because a lot of that happens too. And it is, those are the things that make me nervous. I was talking to Carter so he's 19, but he was a guest on our podcast. He's chosen to live alcohol free. But we were just talking this evening about drinking and how he's chosen not to drink and he had a few bad experiences. He did have one blackout night and a night that he felt really sick and the next morning being super hungover and all that. So he's decided that he doesn't want to have alcohol as part of his life. And then he's just watching the people. His age going out and partying and not a lot of them, but some of them, and going out and getting drunk and he was like, I don't understand. I just don't get it. And then I thought about the podcast and I remember, season 1 at the very beginning. I told it in my story that I guess I would describe it as shy and it. Helped me be not so shy. And that's why I liked drinking. And then, Tracey said something about you. I think it was you that said out of my shell. And then it was a theme with our guests and stuff like that too. It's I think the focus with these kids, because I said to Carter, I said, you are the most confident. Kid I've ever met he's so self aware and so confident that I don't think he has ever had that need to feel any different than his true self. I love that about him, but most people, including myself, didn't have that. So maybe it's let's look at these kids, self esteem. Let's work on the self esteem instead of my message was like, don't do it. It's bad. Just don't do it. But how about self esteem being able to come out of your shell. Yeah. Yeah. It was a really good conversation.

Lindsey: 8:58

I feel like that's probably why I used alcohol. Part of it anyways, to come out of your shell or not feel so anxious or shy. And It's funny because now being in my forties and being alcohol free, I feel more confident than ever. I don't need the alcohol. I don't know. I just have this sense of peace and confidence about myself that I didn't have when I was It's in my late teens and early twenties, but yeah, I think you're right, Kelly. You're onto something there focusing on how to develop that in young adults and teenagers. So that substances don't need to be used to be social or yeah, it's changing that narrative. We don't need these things to be, social fit in and act and just, yeah.

Tracey: 9:50

Yeah, I can definitely say I'm very happy that I'm not drinking myself at this stage in her life. Oh, yeah, because at least I have that clear mindedness and also I'm not exposing her to it. Kids aren't coming here and getting booze because booze in this house, right? So if they're getting it somewhere, it's never going to be here, which makes me feel good. But also I did explain to her when I was in high school, as you guys know, I've mentioned on the podcast, I wasn't a big drinker. And when I was in high school, I was comfortable to say no and not indulge in that stuff. So that was 1 thing that I shared with her that, she knows too, that when I was in high school and her age, I didn't do a lot of drinking. She knows that my drinking, progressed when I got older, right? So I told her I was always comfortable to say no and stay on my ground and do my own thing and not follow what everybody else was doing. I didn't lose any friends over it. I still could partake in what my friends were doing without doing that. So know that you can always be comfortable to do that. And if you lose friends over it, then they aren't good friends anyways. Yeah. I love that. So you ladies had some exciting stuff happen over the summer though. Oh, we've talked on the podcast about dating a few times and now we can talk about it whenever we want because Mike's not here you know it's very sensitive to spot with him every time we brought it up. He secretly loved it. He loved it.

Kelly: 11:30

We were entertaining him with our dating stories. Yes.

Tracey: 11:34

Anyways, yeah, I think he'd like to just poke fun at you ladies more than anything. But you're both currently dating steadily people. So you met some great gentlemen over the summer and that's turned into some steady dating. So I thought it would be interesting to Chat about that, and maybe you guys give some advice to some newly sober people. They're trying to date because obviously you guys have been through it for a couple of years because you've both been sober for a couple of years and dating. One thing I was really curious about, and both of you can maybe answer this question separately, that I think would be helpful to people is, when do you talk about your relationship with alcohol? Do you talk about it when you're texting or chatting with the person before you meet them in person? Is it something you wait till you're in person or do you wait to so many dates before you get in? Or are you just right up front about it? I don't have any rules. I've never had any real strict rules with dating. But yes, I dated off and on for four years. Until I met my person end of the winter, I guess it was but I put right on my profile. I did meet him online. I put right on my profile that drinking is not. An option or whatever it is. What does it say? Lindsay, alcohol free or something or

Lindsey: 13:01

Oh, I'm trying to remember something like that. You can put it on there. You can indicate.

Kelly: 13:05

Yeah, you can indicate. But a lot of people don't read the write. So a lot of people don't notice. So I think it depends. Like it depends on where the conversation is going. If somebody says, do you want to meet for a drink? Then I'll say I don't drink alcohol. But yeah, sometimes it comes up before we meet, sometimes after. I usually try and find out what their relationship is like with alcohol. I would say for the most part, all the people that I've met I think they pretty much knew before we met. I'd say, yeah, that's the same with me. I was so honest and upfront about it. Yeah. Just on all those apps, there's spots where you can indicate like smoking, alcohol consumption, and I put never. Never. That's it.

Lindsey: 13:52

Yeah. For both of those. And it's amazing to me how many people don't read that stuff. So when you start talking to somebody, That's the knee jerk thing that people want to do is let's get together for some drinks or do you want to meet for a drink? And I just say, Oh, it's, I don't drink. It's in my profile, and sometimes you get the, Oh, why not? Or something like that. Or somebody's just okay, cool. No worries. Coffee then. Yeah. I love those coffee kind of dates. It's so funny dating sober without being under the influence of alcohol to try to take away the nerves and stuff. I feel like I enjoyed feeling everything because it helped me get a better sense of, is my nervous system calm around this person or is it... Triggered I was really able to pay attention to how I felt around somebody without a substance influencing how I felt. So it was, I don't know, a better way to make a connection with somebody. And when I met my person, because I am currently dating somebody named Richard We met for coffee at a local coffee shop that's really close to both of us. And it's funny because the minute that I saw him, it was just like, oh, okay. I was nervous, of course, but I felt calm. I was still nervous, about, okay, but that's the thing, right? I feel drinking. Really it lets you ignore those red flags or downplay them and minimize them. Ah, it's not that bad. Or, oh, okay there's this thing, whatever. I really enjoyed dating. Without alcohol, because I felt like I was able to connect and find a person that I was meant to be with. So yeah, I indicated it right in my profile. It was a conversation that would come up. And I didn't feel awkward about it because I would rather be honest. And up front with people, because I don't want to waste anybody's time. Actually, I think at one point, one of my profiles said, if you're looking for a drinking buddy, it's not me. But also, I say, if you drink I really don't have an issue with that, as long as it's not abusively. I definitely didn't want to be with a partner that had substance abuse issues or whether it was drugs, alcohol, smoking does Richard drink alcohol? Yes, he does. Does he drink on occasion sometimes? Yes. He's not somebody that drinks all the time, every weekend, and he's so mindful of me not drinking and always has really cool non alcoholic beverages and different kinds of waters and stuff. If we go to the beach or something and he packs a cooler, he's got all kinds of stuff in the cooler. It's fabulous.

Tracey: 16:42

That's amazing. You touched on a lot of good things there. Lynn's that's a really good point. One, I was thinking, it must weed some people out when you're up front about it, which is great, right? You know those people aren't your people anyways, so that's good. But at the same time, I really like what you were saying, and I could relate to the fact that you would be really honed in on how people's energy were making you feel not having alcohol, right? Unlike you ladies, I've never dated sober. I was dating prior to meeting my now not drinking partner while I was still drinking so all my dating experiences were drinking. I didn't have any sober dating experiences. So I can't really speak to that experience. But I can speak to the side of, the drinking side. We're definitely, I was ignoring red flags and I was, aligning with people that were, not aligning with where I wanted to be. It created a lot of acceptance of toxic people.

Lindsey: 17:49

Oh, that's such a, that's such a good way to put it. Yeah. That's exactly what it does. Yeah, it's acceptance of toxic people like man. Yeah. Wow. I feel like I was attracting what I felt I deserved at that time in my life, right?

Tracey: 18:07

Because I was in my own shame cycle, so I was attracting what I thought I deserved, which was, Subpar, by far, to what I did, but that's how I was feeling about myself at the time and partially why I was drinking, right?

Lindsey: 18:27

And that comes back to the confidence piece that we were talking about earlier, right? Yes. Teaching teenagers and, youth things to do to boost your confidence or how to work on your self esteem, when you have that confidence and self esteem, then you know your worth. You realize. Your value and you look for a partner that complements that you invite people up right and if somebody doesn't want to join you then you don't have an issue with walking away from I had this conversation with a friend the other day that there are just certain types of people that really don't give a shit what others think they're just so solid in what they want and their morals, and whether someone aligns with them or not, that, they're not afraid to say, whoa, I don't like this, and this doesn't align with me, so I've got to move on, whereas I felt like in the past I was somebody that would bend my standards or boundaries to allow that person inside my circle, maybe because I didn't want to be alone or something like that, but I think if I had better self esteem and confidence. I wouldn't have done those things. And so I was using the alcohol to create that false sense of confidence and self esteem. And when it wore off, I was like, Oh my God, look what I'm left with. Wow. That's really good. Lens. Thanks.

Kelly: 19:58

I was just going to say I've been part of your journey. We've been part of each other's dating journeys and stuff like that. And just how much you've learned about yourself and yeah, your self esteem grew so much. When did we meet four years ago, four years, five years ago, probably five years ago It was October. Yeah, that's right. It was October. It's almost our anniversary, but so you were dating at that time when you were newly divorced at that time. I was where you were at in your life and on your journey of healing and all of that. Yeah. If you had met Richard at that time,

Lindsey: 20:35

I would not have been ready Exactly. I was, oh man. We were talking about that together. The other day we often talk about this, the stuff that we each individually went through. And I said to him,'cause I don't have kids. I was like, man, I wish we would've met earlier. And he was like, babe no. I guarantee you if we met earlier, we wouldn't have. Like each other or we wouldn't, I was a different person, you were a different person and it just wouldn't have worked. It's right. It's funny how when you go through hardships and stuff, you grow, you learn and you transform into this. You can either stay stuck or, you can, use that situation, navigate it and get through it. And you learn so much along the way. And then when you come out the other side, I felt like after my three year divorce, and then during that time, quitting alcohol, breaking my collarbone and, bunch of bad dates and then, trying to. Better myself coming up the other side of that. I was like, I don't even know that version of Lindsay for age. I don't know who that girl is. Physically, I look different mentally and emotionally. I feel different. A big part of that was ditching alcohol. Even a lot of people with fitness or like, how did you, wow. And it's not an overnight process. The first step for me was honestly I had to get rid of alcohol because I could not be my best self or the version that I wanted to be with it in my life. And with that said yeah, if I had met Richard previously, I feel like I would have messed it up or we wouldn't have liked each other or something like that. But yeah. Yeah.

Kelly: 22:23

You know how you just said about You don't recognize the old version of yourself. Do you guys think that might be one of the things that keeps people stuck and keeps people drinking is that they know that there is somehow going to be a new identity, a new person is going to come out of all of this, and the unknown of that could be too scary? Ooh, Kelly, that's a really good question. I'm trying to think back. Even just looking at old pictures of myself and stuff, I just see so much sadness, on my face, in my eyes, and I longed to be. a healthier, better version of myself, but I didn't know how to get there while drinking. Yeah. And I didn't want to give up the wine. I didn't want to stop. So I thought, okay, I tried to do it. I'm like, okay, I'm going to eat relatively healthy. I'm going to work out. But. I don't know. You can't, I don't know. You can't be the best version of yourself with alcohol.

Lindsey: 23:26

It's very scary to change and then be afraid of how your life, because I had a life and I didn't want to give it up.

Kelly: 23:34

I was just I for sure didn't know, I did not know who I was without alcohol. That is a hundred percent for sure. Yeah. What do you think trees? I was going to say, I think what's interesting is that I think when I met Randy that he must have seen a glimpse of that person that I wanted to become. Yeah. I have to say that I believe our relationship and the things we went through in our relationship because it wasn't always perfect like any relationship, but I think about where we started and where we are now, and I think that the things that propelled us forward in the best direction, definitely were a result of me not drinking, because even as my drinking self, I was accepting things from him. That. I shouldn't have been, and it gave me the confidence when I stopped drinking to say, no, these things need to change. And I think it also made him see the potential of how it looked for me to be improving and motivated him to want to improve too. So jointly together as a couple, we've been able to do that together and improve our relationship. 10 folds. That's awesome hearing that. Yeah, that's really good. Yeah. Yeah. I definitely think people don't know who they're going to be. Not drinking. So there's a big fear around that, but I think it's like tackling any other huge thing in your life, say, a weight loss journey. It's so hard to start. That's the hardest part is the starting. And people that are going on those type of journeys struggle with the same thing. They have the same type of shame cycles. That they put themselves through, they have those oh, I ate really healthy today. And then the next day, their diets a disaster, right? It's like how we try to moderate the alcohol. Yeah, it's all in the starting. The starting is where people are really challenged. One thing I'm curious about with you guys, with the dating as well, this might be different for you, Kel, because we didn't really talk about it, but your gentleman doesn't drink. He doesn't, no. Do you think people are ever concerned about what are their friends going to think? What are their family going to think? Are they looking, for an explanation of why you don't drink? What do you mean like their friends about their new like Richard's friends about Lindsay like why doesn't yeah especially if you're with someone that does drink and their friends are social and they drink is there a fear there of what are they going to think what kind of questions are they going to ask do you think that deters people or scares people from wanting to bring you into their friend circle or

Lindsey: 26:26

that's a great question with Richard There's no worry. It's not even something that I think about because he just accepts me wholeheartedly for who I am and what I need to be my best self so that we can build the kind of relationship we both want. So for that to happen, that's me not drinking. He actually I think, I don't know who it was. I've not met friends yet. I think we're just over two months dating, so it's new. And we're taking it slow, but we're also like excited, and it feels really aligned and right. But he had it. Somebody say, cause we went away quite early for a weekend at a cabin on August long. And he had somebody say, Oh, so okay, she doesn't drink. Did you guys even have fun? We had a blast. He was like, are you kidding? I've never laughed so hard. He had a few drinks and I'm drinking my 0 percent Coronas and we're dying laughing. And for him, it wasn't out of control. It wasn't, he also had a few zero alcohol drinks and all the other kinds of mocktails. And we had fun making them, but I don't worry about that at all. I think if somebody in his friend or family group questioned me. In front of him and try to make it a negative thing, he would step in immediately he wouldn't let me, feel a certain type of way he would defend me and lift me up and turn it into a positive thing because he supports that he supports me and he supports the lifestyle that I have and he shares it. The thing when you were just talking, Trace, too, is I scribbled down the word accountability. It triggered something, when you had asked earlier about the not drinking and dating. And I wrote down the word accountability because I often would use alcohol to not have any accountability. Do you know what I mean? Like bad behavior. Just unloading all my shit. And then I'd be like I was drunk, yeah. But also I know now, if anybody has listened to our episodes the one where I said, with my ex spouse I remember having wine and having to open the notepad in my phone to take notes about what he was telling me or how he was treating me because I know the next day I might not remember exactly and then be gaslit to He was like, I never said that and I'm like, you did, but he would say, no, you were drunk. You don't remember that's never going to be an issue in this relationship. I'm going to have full accountability. I'm fully present. So yeah, Richard, he's great. He wouldn't let friends or family on his side sort of question it in a negative way.

Tracey: 29:13

I don't foresee that for you with him. Obviously, that's probably why he's the person in your life. Now, I think I just in general yeah, have you guys had any of that experience? Or I think about some people I know, and I think that they would think about that, like, How am I going to bring this person around my friends because they don't drink, right? I dated somebody. I had this. I just remembered this. I dated somebody and we went to a cottage and he was a drinker and so were his friends and it was just another couple. So we were going to this other couple's cottage and I didn't know that he did until after, but he talked to them ahead of time. And said, she doesn't drink and and it's mostly wine because I have no problem being around any alcohol other than I've had a few instances where I've really not enjoyed being around wine because that was my thing. But yeah, so he just tried to be really respectful and I think he asked them to put their wine in different kind of Cups or glasses or something like not wine glasses. So I was a little bit embarrassed because I don't like that. I don't like being the center of attention. I don't like being like, oh, she can't have that. I don't eat gluten and I don't eat meat and I don't eat dairy. I hate that whole thing. So I was a bit embarrassed, but I was also like, wow, that's really thoughtful to do that. And they liked me, I think, like they didn't think anything bad of me, but yeah, I was a bit like, oh, they're walking on eggshells because of me, but they had never even

Lindsey: 30:45

Would you have preferred that they just drink their wine out of the wine glass? I don't know.

Kelly: 30:48

I guess not. No, it was all good. And they weren't even like, when some people say Oh, they're big drinkers. I'm like, no, you're not. I was, you're not. You're like, sit down. Yeah. But I forgot about that, yeah, it was a different situation where he was. Yeah. He was doing his best. Like he was trying to do his best. And It was thoughtful, That was like way, way early on in my dating and not a very good communicative relationship. So now I would be with somebody that would ask me what I need, there's going to be alcohol. Are you going to be okay? There would be a conversation about it. More communication. So yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and we've had those situations, too, because I'll buy beer for my oldest he'll have a few beers if I have a Sunday dinner here or something like that I've had to ask Dan are you okay with alcohol in the house, or, if the kids could, yeah yeah, we've had those. Discussions. Communication. I think, yeah, that's probably key. You're right, Kel.

Tracey: 31:54

I had an interesting experience. I have to tell you guys about that was funny. It has nothing to do with dating, but I went to guns and roses concert a couple.

Kelly: 32:04

Oh, how is that? I heard they're a little rusty. It was good. It was good. Oh, okay. I was actually pretty impressed with how good they sounded considering. Wow. They died off near the end of the concert for sure, but they played for oh my gosh over two and a half hours. Oh, wow. We left before they, Even ended holy cow, these guys are still going, but so we're coming home on the train. The concert was in Toronto and we took the go train and we're coming home on the train. And it was myself and Randy and another couple, it was actually Randy's friend who gave us the tickets, which was awesome. So we're sitting on the train and, it's 4 seats on 1 side, 4 seats on the other side and the trains packed. So we end up like, Randy and I are on the 2 end seats on the 1 side and his friend and his partner on the 2 ends on the other side. So we're not in a 4 cube together. But don't we sit beside, I swear to God, the fucking drunkest chick me, I sit beside her, and she immediately starts catting up Randy. And I'm like, why is this happening to me? I'm like, of all the people that are gonna get stuck beside this chick, it had to be me. And I look over at Randy's friend Jason, and I'm like, Jason, don't you and Randy have to catch up? Why don't you come sit here? But no, he wasn't having anything to do with it. Him and his girlfriend were laughing and this girl was a whole different level of drunk, like in my whole drinking career, I know I was never. At this level for one, when I was drunk, I wasn't likely to just strike up conversations with random strangers and frigging talk their ear off, which is what this girl did the whole entire train ride. You're like the room, but you can't when you're drunk. No, that's the thing.

Tracey: 34:07

She was oblivious. And she was on the train with us the whole frickin ride. I was like, seriously, could they not be getting off two stops later? Nope. And her poor boyfriend must have contended with this many of times in their relationship. Because he basically just completely tuned her out. For most of the She was talking to herself. I actually offered her a snack because I just wanted her to shut up. I'm like, if she has food in her mouth, she'll stop talking. And anyways, so it was very interesting. It was a very good reminder. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's why we see those things, those moments, yeah. Of, yes. This is just life telling me how fortunate I am that I've made the decision not to drink.

Kelly: 35:02

Exactly, Lord. Yeah. Oh, whenever I see really drunk people, which isn't very often anymore, but the first thing I always think of is oh man, she's gonna be so hungover tomorrow. awesome. Yeah, don't miss them. No. I was already alcohol free when I went into the dating world there, but being in a relationship and a relationship where you communicate and it's healthy and all that, being able to be present in those situations is such a gift. It is, it's amazing. I can't imagine being numbed out and I don't even think it's possible. I don't think it's possible to be numbed out and have a deep, meaningful relationship.

Lindsey: 35:47

I don't think so either. In fact, I know so because I've experienced both ends of it, right? I've married somebody that, I probably shouldn't have, and because of that. That's the accountability that I need to take letting a lot of things slide that just didn't even mix with my personality, not necessarily he's a bad person, but just things that just didn't align with me, right? Just stuff like that.

Tracey: 36:12

That's why I was saying that I completely noticed the difference in my relationship with Randy, since I became sober for those exact reasons. Like I said, I was accepting things that I felt I shouldn't have been, but probably on the flip side for him too. We weren't, I wasn't probably aligned with what he was imagining for his life being a drinker either. But like you said, you can't have that deep sort of connection when you're just numbing out. So that's why I noticed, and I can say from experience, our relationship went to a totally different level once I stopped drinking. And it really allowed us the ability to connect on a much deeper level and have a lot more candid conversations by being present. And again, work. As a couple together on certain things and bettering ourselves, not just individually, but as a couple too.

Lindsey: 37:14

Yes. I love that. I think too, if you feel like you need alcohol in the relationship I remember coming home on a Friday and just I got to get the red wine because I can't even have a conversation at this point with this person. Or like trying to be intimate with them. I'm like, where's the wine? Cause I can't do this. I feel like that's a huge red flag that you're not with somebody that is compatible or that you are aligned with, we couldn't even do anything together without alcohol when I did everything we did. We spent a lot of time together, but it involved alcohol. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if you're in a relationship where that's the case, not saying that okay, you got to get a divorce, but try doing date night alcohol free and with mocktails and, it might be weird at first. It might be awkward even if you're used to always Involving alcohol and drinking together. But I say, give it a try. It's a whole different level of connection and stuff, but yeah,

Kelly: 38:17

That total presence, like I mentioned earlier, Carter and I were talking and we were talking about the early days, like when I first quit drinking and how I noticed that. So my kids were, yeah. They were young teenagers. And I didn't think that, alcohol was really affecting my relationships with my family members. But I remember noticing they are coming and chatting with me way more. And anybody that has teenagers knows conversations always have to be on their terms. You can't force a conversation with a teenager, right? But like I would be reading or something and they would just come and sit with me. And yeah, and it's that presence cause I wasn't present before and it's not that I was drunk all the time, but I was numbed out. I was nursing hangovers. I was in survival mode trying to do all the things at such a low level and I said, your energy is different. Yeah. So I described what that was like for me, noticing them coming and talking to me. And he said, Oh my God. Yeah, mom. I said, did you notice anything? He said, yeah, mom. You're so different. Everything about you changed. He said, you just became lively. Wow. I love that word. That's what I always want people to understand, the other side of it. When you're in that, I remember being in that and having that fear of not knowing who am I without alcohol. I became a million percent better version of myself and brighter. And Carter said, lively, like I live life to the fullest. And I was definitely not even though it looked like I was not. Yeah.

Tracey: 39:47

No, you're just going through the motions. Exactly. That's what I feel like. Like I said, it's almost like Groundhog Day. Yeah. Yeah. Same thing over and over again. Or like being in a rut, right? That's what it feels like continuously. Totally. And it's pulling yourself out of that. But, too, sorry, I just wanted to say, Linds what you were saying, I think, very challenging for any of our listeners out there that might be considering alcohol free if they do have a partner that drinks. That is probably very scary to consider making that change. You did that, Kel, in your relationship out of fear of how that would change your relationship. I think it was a good suggestion, like you said, Linz, to maybe try the alcohol free dates or whatnots and test the waters,

Lindsey: 40:39

How do I say it properly? Give alcohol free the same chance you give alcohol, right? You need to compare the two. If you've been drinking for years and you've been in a relationship where you both drink together. At the end of my marriage, it was always a night that ended in blackouts and fighting, and then the shame spiraled the next day. If this is what you're living, give. The alcohol free relationship, the same chance, while you were talking Kel, you said something there about you become a better version of yourself. And I remember last season we had a podcast, a guest on our show. I can't remember who it was. I think it was a female. And that person said, it's almost like you don't become a better version. You return to yourself, like that version that you always were and are, but the alcohol is like stifling it. And yeah, for 30 years yeah. What I thought was while drinking. And consuming alcohol. I thought I was able to be more myself, right? Because all the walls came down and the inhibitions were lowered, but it's actually the opposite. I turned into a complete fucking asshole. And that's not who I truly am. Like, it altered me. My thoughts, my physical appearance, just the way I thought about life, how I showed up in my marriage and my relationships, with friends and everything. Like I was a complete asshole. So not drinking, it's like you returned to yourself. and then you learn how to actually be yourself. I did post a quote. That was, It's more about the unbecoming who all the things you aren't resonated with me because and let's go back to that book that I always mentioned that I think we've all read now is Untamed. Yeah. I need to open it up again. Oh, me too. I haven't read that for a long time. I want to read it again. But yeah, anybody who's listening who's yeah,

Tracey: 42:51

that was definitely my experience because I told you guys that I really felt like I was trying to get back to a version of myself that existed before I drank. That is one thing that I've really struggled with forgiving myself for the person I was when I drank because I did a lot of things when I drank that didn't align with who I am. So those things, those. Thoughts haunt me sometimes. I am in the same boat. I am in the same boat. Even hearing Carter say tonight how different I was. Yeah, that's hard to hear. Like he didn't say anything negative about how I was, but hearing him say how much of a difference he was like, Oh yeah. So I'm like, shit. Yeah, I know I wasn't the best parent I could be because I wasn't present. Yeah. You gotta be present. Yeah. Yeah I'm glad I'm not the Yeah, forgiveness. I have to forgive myself for all the, oh man, I think I've said this on the podcast before forgetting the tooth fairy, forgetting the elf on the shelf.

Lindsey: 43:55

I remember that book. Yeah. The year the elf had to die. Yeah. And then he passed away. That would have happened anyway. That's just my personality. I'm like, what the hell is this shit? Yeah. Okay. So everybody's listening to in October. Anybody who has young children, you don't have to do that stupid elf. We have enough shit to do as mothers. Yes. Don't do it. I can't even tell you the amount of time I forgot about that thing. My daughter, definitely, I was definitely a huge disappointment in that department. Yeah, I was an epic mom fail on the elf on the shelf. Yeah. But now look at this gift that we've given our children is. You can make different choices at any point in your life. You can better yourself. You can learn how to forgive yourself. And my God, my kids are so forgiving. I don't know what I did to deserve them. They're amazing. So true. And I think that's an amazing example.

Tracey: 44:56

One last question I wanted to ask you girls on the dating front was you're like Mike Mike's not even here and it still keeps going back to the date

Lindsey: 45:05

You know what? Because remember what, I lost my train of thought earlier. I remember what I was wanting. Okay. Okay. Okay. What I wanted to ask was, do you get questions about doing the podcast? Do you think, people are worried about you doing the podcast and potentially talking about them or dating? And do you get questions about the podcast? Like, why are you doing it? What's the purpose of it, or do people just fully support it? Do they listen to it? Yeah, I've had people listen to it, and I think that's a huge compliment. Dan's listened to some of the episodes, which I love. He thinks it's great. Yeah, but I've never discussed with him about talking about our relationship on here though. So right. Maybe I should do that. I'm not a big share. I don't even share. I shared one picture on social media. I was like, Oh, you're so funny. And it was a good picture. You guys. Thanks. You guys are so cute.

Tracey: 46:10

I had that conversation with Randy. Yeah, and Randy listens to every episode. But I did, before we even started the podcast, I asked him, how do you feel about the fact, not that I was going to speak about him, but that I'm sharing my life. Because, if anybody, your friends, your family listens, anybody can listen, they're gonna know these things about me. And, is that going to make you somehow feel uncomfortable? Yes. I asked my ex if he was okay with his name coming up because he's been part of my story. What did he say? And he was super supportive. Yeah. Oh, I love that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think most people. What about richard?

Lindsey: 46:49

So supportive. He listens. He listens. Yeah. And it was funny because really early on, I don't remember how the podcasting thing came up. I think, just in conversation, what are some things you do other than working and, watching Netflix. And I was like, Oh I actually. Do this podcast, and people are like, why you do a podcast? Yeah. I love listening to podcasts and then doing this is so great. And then, Oh, what's it called? And I, say LAF life podcasts, anywhere you get podcasts from, you can listen. And then I get a message like an hour later, I listened to your episode. I'm like, Oh yeah, I've heard that too. Oh my God. What do you mean? And he's wow what a way to get to know me. Yeah, I know. Worst moment. And now you know everything about me and I know nothing about you. Yeah, I don't really know a lot about you, but yeah, I remember that time I fell and broke my collarbone. Shit faced on wine and blackout and tripped over my cat. Yeah. Oh my God. But, I don't know I think it's also a great way for people to get to know me and if this person is going to be in my life and somebody that I build a partnership with, I want them to know. everything about me and I don't want to have any secrets and I want to be open and honest and I love that they listen and he is so supportive. He thinks it's the coolest thing and we need to make him a crop, LAF Life. Crop.

Tracey: 48:22

Who doesn't want one of these? Come on. Anybody living alcohol free should want one of these. Yeah. It's so good on a shirt. Honestly, I love this crop hoodie. Hashtag let's make sweaters. Come to reality. Yep. You manifested these sweaters, Lynn. Way to go. They came to life. Oh man. Those getting back together, guys. I know. Talking. Yeah. This is my therapy. This is like my meeting. Yeah. We had to have an emergency meeting. Was it last week? You guys came on. Be so supportive. Thank you. We love you. Yeah. Yeah. We're always here. We're always here for one another. Yeah. You guys have done that for me too. Yeah. I've had to have those emergency conversations as well. So it's great. Let's wrap up with some like rapid fire questions for you to not put you on the spot, but I'm ready to throw out a couple of your key dating tips for our listeners that are dating sober.

Kelly: 49:28

Okay. I would say look for Green flags in yourself instead of looking for what's wrong with the other person. For example, how Lindsay said when she met Richard, she felt calm and. Yeah, I think that's a huge green flag. So I think one of the best things you can look for is if you can be yourself with somebody.

Lindsey: 49:52

I love that, Kelly. I was going to say something along those lines. The word that hit my mind, be honest. Just be yourself, be honest, be open. And Kelly, I learned that from you paying attention to how your body feels around somebody what's going on in this sort of area, chest. Yes. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Just be honest. As far as if you don't drink or you're doing a sober October or whatever and you're nervous to tell anybody or like somebody that you want to date or whatever you can't say. The wrong thing to the right person, and you can't say the right thing to the wrong person. So like Lindsay said, just be honest, put it out there. That's great. Yeah.

Tracey: 50:38

All right, girls. That was amazing. I think that those are some pretty good tips. Thanks so much. And thank you to our listeners. We're so excited to be back and reconnecting with you. Remember that we want to hear from you. If you have questions, if you have any suggestions. Send them our way. We put a post up about submitting your questions and we'll do an episode and answer those questions. You can ask us anything. Like Kelly just said, we'll be honest.

Lindsey: 51:11

And that's a wrap on our first episode in season three. We are so appreciative of our listeners. Thank you so much for tuning in. We drop new episodes every Tuesday anywhere that you get your podcasts. So don't forget! Subscribe, share this with a friend. You never know who you can help, and that's what this is all about. Helping each other, supporting each other along the way. And you can't make a mistake on this journey. You just gotta do it and know that we're here for you we're cheering you on. Thanks again for tuning in and until next time, keep laughing.

Tracey: 51:49

Bye, guys. Thank you.

Kelly: 51:54

Thank you for listening. Please give us a five star rating like and subscribe, share on social media and tell your friends. We love getting your feedback and ideas of what you'd like to hear on upcoming episodes of the laugh life podcast. If you yourself are living alcohol free and want to share your story here, please reach out.