Let your star shine bright! Jamie Swaile, Season 2 Ep. 4

In Season 2, Ep. 4 Listen to how our guest Jamie Swaile's passionate spirit through has carried him through his 11 yrs of sobriety amid many struggles & challenges. How he has found his worth and continues to strive to be his most authentic self. The joy he’s found in nurturing and healing his inner child through raising his daughter Grace. Jamie reminds us that were all shining stars and that although we will always have cloudy days, that we need to push to shine through them. We think our listeners will find Jamie’s journey extremely insightful as he demonstrates the true power of raw emotional vulnerability.

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Music provided by Premium Beats: https://www.premiumbeat.com
Song: Rise and Thrive
Artist: Young Presidents

**Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this episode are not professional or medical opinions. If you are struggling with an addiction please contact a medical professional for help.

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**Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this episode are not professional or medical opinions. If you are struggling with an addiction please contact a medical professional for help.

Music provided by Premium Beats: https://www.premiumbeat.com
Song: Rise and Thrive
Artist: Young Presidents

Resources:
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Transcript

Let your star shine bright! Jamie Swaile, Season 2 Ep. 4

Intro

[00:00:00] 

Kelly: welcome to the LAF life podcast, a lifestyle podcast based on living alcohol free and a booze-soaked world. My name is Kelly Evans and together with my friends, Tracey, Djordjevic, Mike Sutton and Lindsay Harik. We share uncensored. Unscripted real conversations about what our lives have been like since we ditched alcohol and how we got here by sharing our individual stories.

We'll show you that there isn't just one way to do this, no matter where you are on your journey from sober, curious to years in recovery and everyone in between, you are welcome here, no judgment and a ton of support.

Hey everybody. Welcome to the LAF Life Podcast, season two, episode four. We have a guest tonight. Jamie, welcome. 

Jamie: Thank you for having me. Yeah. 

Kelly: Hey, everybody. 

Mike: Yo. 

Lindsey: Hey. 

Tracey: Hi, Jamie. 

Jamie: Hello. Hello, hello. 

Kelly: Jamie and I [00:01:00] met a little over three years ago when he sold my house, when I got separated, and we hit it off as friends and we definitely connected. I was probably only about a year and a half sober at that time, so still felt pretty new to it all and starting a new life and we had a good friendship. And then a couple years later we dated for a bit., and that was just a little over a year ago. And now here we are. And am I right, Jamie, you just celebrated your 11th year alcohol free.

Jamie: Yeah. 11th September 25th, 2011, is me 

Kelly: congratulations. 

Tracey: Whoa. 

Lindsey: Wow. That's huge. 

Kelly: Yeah. So why don't we start off with, maybe tell us a little bit about where you grew up and how you grew up. If there was alcohol in the home or wherever you wanna start. 

Jamie: Yeah, for sure. So, I was born in Calgary in 1977, November 4th at 1:45 AM I'm the youngest of I got two older [00:02:00] brothers. I'm the youngest. My dad worked for cbc, so went from Calgary to Edmonton, to Edmonton to Ottawa and then to Winnipeg in 1988. I was in grade three when we came to Winnipeg, and I've been here ever since. The only alcoholic was my grandfather yeah. So, when he went to, into getting to the good stuff, 

Kelly: whenever you want., when were you first introduced to. 

Jamie: I was introduced to alcohol. I think when I was 12. I'd always go upstairs and have a sip of my mom's beer and Clamato juice. And I'd always go back downstairs and I'm not this feeling. I was like, Oh my God. I feel good. What I know now, it was, 12 years of being non-existent not being seen. So that little bit of alcohol, that one sip just made me that knot in my stomach, went away for a bit and I just went, oh, I breathe. I got me out of survivor mode, which I know what survival mode is now, but not back then. And then I had my first Drinking drunk when I was 13 with my friend Brendan, it was in my backyard at my parents' place. [00:03:00] Back then it was kind of like acceptable to buy a six pack of Budweiser and do shotguns and look how drunk Jamie is, blah, blah, blah. And that was it. I never had a drink after that that I didn't want to get absolutely blacked out.

Sure. I tried to manage it and I tried to manipulate it, but that was it. I remember that night it, that night, I went to a high school party, so I was in probably grade nine and I woke up with my pants off for some reason in the bathroom, and they were covering urine I guess the guys peed on my pants. I was so drunk. But the point was that next day when I woke up, I wanted more, you know? Yeah. 

Tracey: Wow. 

Jamie: That experience did not say to me, well, Jamie, because I wanted more. Because when I had alcohol in my system, I wasn't in survivor mode. Maybe I existed a bit more in my own mind, but when I wasn't drinking, I just sunk back to a boy with no voice. A boy. That was a burden. Just a boy. That was so, so, so lost. 

Lindsey: And is that survivor mode, like when you say [00:04:00] survivor mode, like elaborate on that. What does that mean to you when you say that? 

Jamie: What I know now survival mode is, I've been spiral mode since the day I came out of my mom's wound. And the survival mode is that feeling of fear of not being safe, not being heard, not being expressed. So, I'm just surviving every day to get affection, to get love, to get, someone just to. Encourage me, someone just give me a fucking hug, right? 

Lindsey: Mm-hmm. 

Jamie: So that's survival mode, which I didn't know went all the way through. Up until, God, I'm still in survival mode, but I'm aware of it now. I work on it. My nerves, it's the beauty of, of recovery is you just keep on going and unpeeling off layers of yourself. It's fucking amazing but looking back to my childhood and my teenage years, I had no idea how I felt, why I felt, and now I can put a reason why I felt how I felt. 

Tracey: Do you think that was because you were the youngest child, Jamie? A lot of parents or people say, by the time the third one comes around, we just didn't care. We just let them do whatever. 

Jamie: There is some truth to [00:05:00] that. I was born in 77. My mom is a farm girl. My mom's is a family originated, so her parents lived on a farm outside of Edmonton. She was a farmer girl. Family was everything. And when she married my dad, she went to Ottawa. So, my mom picked up from the farm and went to Ottawa. Out of all places. They didn't know anyone. My dad was working, we were always kind of struggling. And so, my poor mom, I can just only imagine what she was feeling. So, I have compassion for her. Cause it must have been so hard with three kids going across the country. Away from her parents. I remember Christmas Eve mom crying and I why, but now I get it. Yeah. So, were my emotions a priority? No. They did the best they got, they didn't do it on purpose, but there were way more important things in my parents' life, like surviving, making sure we had food on the table, making sure Jamie coming home from school.

Being bullied wasn't a priority. I never spoke up. I have empathy for my parents, and I have compassion for [00:06:00] my parents and it's what I believe now is ancestry too. My mom's mom, mom both online, so yeah, it helps me to show that compassion and to look through someone else's eyes.

Kelly: Mm-hmm., 

Jamie: you look through someone else's eyes, you feel what they must have felt, you feel. And give my parents props because fuck. I couldn't move down the street with Grace right now without stressing out alone across the, across the country. 

Kelly: Who's Grace?

Jamie: Grace is my daughter. She's nine. . . 

Lindsey: I was gonna say, I was gonna ask, do you have kids of her own? 

Jamie: Yeah. Grace is nine, sobriety date is the 25th of September. 11. 

Kelly: Mm-hmm., 

Jamie: and she's May 5th, 2000. 

Lindsey: Wow. 

Jamie: I even conceived her with no alcohol in my system. And yeah, she's not my sobriety girl. That's what I picked up in AA when I first went. She's just my Grace. 

Lindsey: Oh, I love that. 

Jamie: Yeah. 

Lindsey: So, you went to aa, you did, tell us about that. Because I know for myself, I didn't do any meetings. I didn't do aa. I [00:07:00] sometimes question, like, I don't feel like I align with it really. So, but it's always interesting. I like to hear about how people I guess got on the path to recovery. And AA was part of that story for you? 

Jamie: I didn't get it on the path. I am fucking like. Mm. Fell into it. I'll give you; I'll give you a quick timeframe. So, when I was first drink, when I was 13 in grade nine, and then I started to do what most teenager boys did, and it was acceptable, drinking in the weekends, getting drunk, coming home, driving. But not knowing that I would be so full of shame and guilt, even in grade 10 11, that I would be, So, what did I say? What did I do? I was so full of guilt at a young age, and I kept on going. And then after high school, one thing I understand is my spirit. My spirit is something that. Has got me to where I am today and my spirit. Back then, I didn't understand what it was, but I knew, I knew something wasn't right with me. And then all I was [00:08:00] trying to get after high school was just to be noticed, just to like someone say to me, wow, look at Jamie. So, I went traveling. I got a work visa, and I went to the UK to work for two months.

Once I got there, again, this is all alcohol, I left with 300 towns worked in pubs. And then when I went to the UK, after a month, no one is really missing me. You know what I mean? So, I kept on going, I kept on going. So, when I tell people I travel the world for three and a half years, everyone's like, Oh my God. Must have been a crazy, I just was getting people's approval. It's all I would wanna 

Lindsey: wow. 

Jamie: The, the good part, what it was I went to Israel. I lived in Jordan; I went to Egypt. I'm like, come on, someone's gotta come back home and say, Jamie's so awesome. Nothing fucking looser of getting held up by a knife. Just because I want someone from back home to say, look at Jamie, He is something like, I had no worth. Then I went to Thailand, I'm like, Thailand should do it. So, I went to Thailand. This is back in 2000. There were no phones, nothing. [00:09:00] No, just went. I didn't have barely any money. And after three years I came back home cuz My brother was getting married, and when I was traveling though, I spent every penny on alcohol. every single penny. I don't know how I made it back alive. I think I made it back alive by the grace of God the universe or something. I, I should not be here right now. I did some things that I should be dead. 

Lindsey: Yeah. Mm-hmm. 

Jamie: So, when I came back to Winnipeg, I was 24 and then I remember going out that night with all my friends from high school before I left, and no one gave a fuck about where I. And I was like, oh, kidding me like I was in Israel, Jordan. They're like, Where's that? I'm like, So late. getting that approval, right? And then after two months of being a Winnipeg, I felt lost. So, what I was doing was I was just running. So, I went to Bermuda. I worked in Bermuda for a year. My drinking picked up more and more and more. I got kicked off the island because I was very drunk at a bar, they had a camera and I was [00:10:00] stealing drinks, which is normal for a guy like me. Then I came back home for like two more months and still no one's really giving me any attention. He approved encouragement and I went to Jasper, and I worked in Jasper for three years snowboarding and it sounds glorious. Snowboarding, right? And golfing the summer and making great money. But I, that's when I just, cuz you're surrounded by the people that just drank, right? So, it got worse and worse. And then I was serving a table. This is how lost I was. I was like 28. I was serving a table in Jasper of two realtors. And they were the typical realtor, like fucking the gold watches. Fucking Mustang guy was just, fuck. I just loved it because I had, I had no role model growing up. I didn't know who I was. they say that spirit comes into people and gives you a lesson or guidance, and that is one of them. He looked at me after serving him and his wife for 10 minutes. He's like, You a great personality. Your fucking good looking. You should become a [00:11:00] realtor. And that's how I became a realtor. I trusted some guy I just served.

Lindsey: Huh? 

Jamie: Because I had no direction of my life. I was so lost. Mm-hmm. So, when I came back, I got my license and then, Started with real estate. And then when I started with real estate, fuck, that's when life happened. I wasn't serving stakes no more. And then I met Melissa Grace's mom. Mm-hmm. I was working at Earl’s, and we bought a house and then I always say I'm like Victor Newman from Young and the rest. I would come home and just needing it. And that's when it really escalated because I felt like I'm in an adult world, but I'm a fucking nine-year-old. 

Lindsey: Wow. 

Jamie: And then I also had absolutely no worth, absolutely no confidence. I didn't even believe in myself. So, I was just always acting, always acting whoever you want me to be, I'll be and neglecting myself. So, so many years. And that was in [00:12:00] 2008, and then from 2008, To my sobriety date was when the drinking was just, it just got to the point where my last year I was drinking at two six before I would leave the house. 

Lindsey: Holy cow. Wow.

Jamie: The partner of an alcoholic is someone that doesn't get any respect because they see everything. Right? Mm-hmm., it's hard on them, but everyone looks at the person with the problem. Me, but it was me and her. We didn't wanna tell that secret because I knew if people started knowing how I was drinking, then I couldn't drink like that. And Melissa loved her to death. She was a 31-year-old woman. She didn't know how to deal with what I was doing. I was manipulating, I was doing everything. And she was embarrassed, which is totally cool. I get it. But at the last year, in 2009, I knew I wasn't gonna make it. I would wake up and the first thought would be I'd be shaking, and I'd be like, Fuck, if I drink today, Jane, I wanna fucking die. But I'm like, If I don't drink, fuck, what [00:13:00] am I gonna do? And I would be shaking, sweating, and the minute she left the door, I would crawl to the fucking kitchen and go in the freezer. I just needed to vodka. I'd go right down. Me that I was like, Oh. Then once I had that, I could have a shower and then all of a sudden, I needed more. And then I would be like, Okay Jamie, this is the day you're gonna just go get in your car. Drive down Bishop, or no, down the printer. Cause I live to Saint Nor, and just drive into a telephone pole. Like, fuck it. You're not gonna stop drinking because you can't, It's impossible. You can't go minutes about drinking.

Kelly: Mm-hmm. 

Jamie: That was 2009, I felt so alone. I felt so alone. And now I look back at it, I think I had a lot of spiritual guidance. There were times where I would be driving and I wouldn't hear anything, nothing silent. And I would see people's mouths and I would just be like, like I was there, but I wasn't there. And then I went for lunch with a friend. My good buddy of mine. And I sat across [00:14:00] the table from my sponsor. That would've been, I remember we went to the Garwood Grill. And of course, so like, I've been drinking vodka every day for my life Monday morning at like 11, my face is fucking red. All my blood vessels, my nose was just, I looked like a mess. So much cologne on me causes I'm smoking cigarettes like it's no tomorrow. Very unhealthy and shaking, and all I needed was, so I pretend to be like, hey, yeah, things are good. Yeah. Oh yeah. All I was thinking about was I just need a drink.

Lindsey: Yeah. 

Jamie: And then I sat across some Lori, and he looks at me and he's like, oh, he was a tough love. You like to drink a and then I'm like, Oh. And of course, I lied. And he's like, I've been sobered for 22 years. And then my first thing when I was like, Fuck, really? I'm like, How the fuck do you do? You just take over. So that was my introduction to aa. So, I had his number. So, I had his number right. I continue going to my daily activities, which would be drinking at least. I would get, I'd go to the lc. I'd get two six. Immediately. I would get two pocket Mickey's to put in my [00:15:00] car. I would get two Mickey's to put in the fridge. And then I would wash my car. So, my license plates are clean. Yeah. And I'd go get a big Sprite ball from sev, fill up all the street vodka. I'd always dress like I'm going somewhere. So, if the cop saw me, this is the amount of work, this is like how I live.

Lindsey: Yeah. That's exhausting.

Kelly: I was just gonna say that exhaust, 

Lindsey: I'm exhausted. Hearing, it felt like

Jamie: meanwhile I got Melissa calling me being like, Cuz she thinks it's all Hey, how you going? I'm just busy with work. 

Lindsey: Right. 

Jamie: I would just drive and drink, drive, and drink and then so exhausting. But I knew I had Laurie's number. And then a year later, June 23rd, 2010, I was at the lc in Kenton. It was a Saturday morning. It was a fucking beautiful morning. Sun was out. Sky was blue, it was like nine in the morning. And I remember pulling the parking lot and I'm like, God, gotta get my vodka. Gotta gets my vodka. And I see families going to, so yeah. I'm like, What the fuck is wrong with me? So, I go to the lc, and I always had a [00:16:00] lie that I was going golfing, so I always wore a golf shirt and, oh, I'm going golfing, so I'd buy all my stuff. I got in the car. Mm-hmm. And I just called Laurie. I'm like, Hey, Lori's, Jamie. He's like, I can meet you in 20 minutes. 

Lindsey: That's amazing. 

Jamie: Yeah. So, we met at Robin’s, and I was scared because I'm like, Fuck, I need to drink. I need to, Is this it? Is this, No drinking for me? And I sat across from the table and it was the first time I didn't feel alone, and he told me a story. I was like, Fuck, really? And he says to me, he is like, so go home, drink all the booze you got in your car. Cause he, he was just like, Fuck. I'm like, I can't. He's like, you can do whatever you want, Jamie. So that was my introduction. So, he took me to a meeting that night and I remember sitting down and I walked in, and I was like, Holy fuck. These are people that they're not what I thought they were. I was judging everyone. 

Lindsey: Yeah. 

Jamie: I heard stories and people were laughing and I was like, Wow. So of course, I did two days of AA and then just fucking back out. So, from 2010, June [00:17:00] 23rd to my sobriety day, I was in and out. That was the fucking hardest year of my life. I would go to AA for a week, I'd come back out and I'd get so, so, oh, to the point where I was hoping I would die. Because I had too much guilt and shame to go back to AA and me, but I would keep on going back and everybody was welcoming, but it didn't matter. I felt fucking terrible. 

Lindsey: So, wait a second. So, you would go to aa and when you said you'd come out, would you then start drinking again?

Jamie: Well, Lori introduced me too aa. 

Lindsey: Yeah, yeah. Into a meeting. 

Jamie: But I wasn't ready yet, so I'd go to, no. Okay. And I'm like, Oh my God. Like this is awesome. 

Lindsey: This is awesome. Yeah. 

Jamie: But then it doesn't matter, my 33 years of emotions in my body was cry I couldn't be me. Yeah. It couldn't just be me with nothing in it, so.

Lindsey: Mm-hmm., 

Jamie: I would just be holding on for dear life, or like two days. And then when I went back out, back to drinking, yeah. It was even worse. 

Lindsey: Oh yeah.

Jamie: I'm like, I can't take this. So, I did that for a whole year. While this [00:18:00] sounds so fucking funny. While we decided to get married, so we're planning wedding my business in real estate was, thank God it was still working. Yeah. But I was giving it a lot, but I was bankrupt in every level, lying to Melissa being like, Yeah, can do the wedding. Oh yeah. Get whatever you want. Because my only value back then was just the big shot. Him like, Look at me. I'm a big guy, you know? Meanwhile, I don't have two pennies to rub together. I'm fucking trying to deal with me. I was just in me, and it was a hell of a year, but it was probably the best year of my life. So, we did that and then September. Back and out, back, and forth. Melissa had enough, she's like, Fuck Jamie. Do something. I'm like, I can, I know what to say. And she's like, going out with the girls to so-and-so's cabin. This was in the second week in September. And right away I'm like, Fuck, okay, perfect. This is it. This is, I already planned out. And she's like, just don't fucking drink. So, she went on that Friday, and I made sure [00:19:00] that she was like past the premise so she wouldn't come back. And this was like leaving Las Vegas. I was so happy. I had a shower again, I'm probably maybe two, two sixes in, but I can still walk around until, And I had a shower. I got dressed up. I was going to the lc, and I was going to drink myself to death. I had a shopping cart, and I was just like fucking throwing in wine.

It was so happy. I was so happy it came back home. It was A beautiful day in the fall, and I shut all the blinds and I just drank, and I would barf, I would get sick. I woke up on Saturday morning in my own, you know, and I was so happy because nobody was there, right. And that I could start drinking immediately.

 I did that all day Saturday. And meanwhile, Melissa was trying to call me, and I didn't ask my phone and blinds were shut and I was just hoping that I just wouldn't wake up. I really was. So, when she came back, she walked in and she's like the best thing she did. She's like, I'm calling our [00:20:00] parents.

And I knew that was right there. I'm like, Fuck no. And it's over. Yeah. Parents came and I said I was an alcoholic. I'm gonna give you, right. And I went to AA and Well before that, the day before the 25th, I came home, and it was the first time in my life where I was so just done, and I went to the bedroom to change and heart's racing.

And again, always day if I didn't have alcohol. I just got my knees right in front of my dresser. I was like, Fuck, I need help. Just please help me. I dunno who I was, nothing. And I got up and I just fell in my bed, had a nap, woke up, went to a meeting that night and I never had a desire to drink ever again. Day. Yeah, yeah. And like, I'm honest, I would tell you,

Lindsey: That's incredible. 

Jamie: Call it what I, I think for me it was just, I was just absolutely done with no, with no. Luring thoughts. I just was done. That was the easy part. The hard part was the next years, you know, [00:21:00] So, oh, let's start the journey. And I would go to AA on the mornings meeting from nine 30. I'd go to the evening meetings. In between. I would just be fucking hold on and just try to fuck live. I couldn't go into grocery stores. I couldn't go anywhere in public because what if people saw me? Mm-hmm. still trying to work. Like still like answering, Hey. Yeah. Like, oh, just like, it just, ugh. And then I made to three months Christmas day and 

Lindsey: Wow. 

Jamie: I was all happy because of, Oh yeah, not drinking life is good. And then in February, found out that Melissa had like a little affair within someone, a trainer. Mm-hmm. that lasted, throughout when we got married, in August. 

Lindsey: Yeah. 

Jamie: The advice I got from the people in my life that time, yeah. If I look back at it wasn't the best device what that did for me was it made me feel so worthless. Not good enough, just because you stop drinking does not pain like stop drinking is the easiest part. It's the easiest part. Just don't put alcohol in your mouth. That really affected me. Just made [00:22:00] me feel like I just wasn't worth, it wasn't good enough, but I kept on going.

Back to my spirit. I had so many reasons my first two, three years of my sobriety that I could have drunk. I had so many reasons, but my spirit was the, just didn't let me. I didn't want to, I had to feel all the feel that I had to feel in my first two, three years. I had to it was the hardest.

, I don't wish that upon anyone. I don't, it was almost easier drinking vodka every day. But then you start seeing some progress and then you think, oh fuck, it's been three years. I'm good. Well, yeah, you don't drink, but you're fucked up in every part of your life.

You don't have a relationship. You don't not do nothing. Mm-hmm. Cause you weren't showing it. And then, so me of like the three years of my sobriety was just aa nonstop. I was fucking doing everything I could and then I needed more. So, I stopped going to AA and I stopped searching.

And then for three or four [00:23:00] years I put myself in positions with other people that took advantage of me. That made me feel like I wasn't worthy. And then it wasn't until the past maybe three, four years that I really have become so a new person. More authentic, even today, even last week, I undiscovered something about my childhood, and that's the beauty of. Sobriety is like, fuck, I'm so grateful I was an alcoholic because if I wasn't fuck, I would just be going through the everyday life with nothing. So, uncovering who I am and that I do exist now, I do exist and don't get me wrong, like fuck, there's many days I don't think I do still, but I catch myself.

That's a fucking beautiful journey. It really fucking is. And I have a daughter fucking throughout it who? Mm-hmm. never had a lot of say in my marriage, but one thing I did was her name's fucking Grace. That's it. Fuck, I'm not, 

Lindsey: That's awesome, 

Jamie: Names Grace 

Lindsey: yeah, 

Jamie: And the best thing about Grace [00:24:00] is, which, with some, the therapy I've been through is she, you know, she is my inner child, how beautiful is that? I mm-hmm., I've been giving her everything that I need as a child, unknowing it until maybe three or four years ago when it was brought to my attention, I was like, Fuck Yeah. Giving her the safety, giving her the love, the encouragement, protection making sure she had a voice. She still has a voice, making sure she exists. I see her, that's the beauty of it all, not just me. Mm-hmm., when I can pass on to like a human being where 11 years ago, I couldn't even go in the fucking grocery store, and now I'm raising a daughter. Like, fuck, I have a fantastic relationship with her mom now. Great. I forgive, like, it's fucking beautiful.

It's beautiful. I could have just been a dry drunk for all these years, but the spirit. That’s always comes to me when I meditate my spirit. My spirit. My spirit wants me to do better things than just what I think I should do. 

Kelly: We have so many different names for that on this show,

Lindsey: [00:25:00] Sure. 

Kelly: Yeah. Mike, what Mike calls it. The little voice. Yeah, the little voice. Your intuition, you're knowing, like 

Jamie: we all know what's right and wrong. Yeah. I knew when I was fucking pounding at two, six in the shower, I wasn't being like, oh, this is a gr No, I knew. Yeah. 

Kelly: We always know. 

Jamie: The shame comes and then like, you tie that into a childhood of always wanting to fit in, but you never fit in. I got teased. I was called names, I got bullied. I was overweight. Mm-hmm., I was never popular. Nobody like, you know what I mean. And. 

Mike: Jamie, do you think that your experiences, I mean maybe even experiences isn't the right word, but your life in a way it was there to teach you something, now you're talking about teaching your daughter and being there for your daughter. I'm relating not a lot of what you're talking about, but some of it you're like the sacrificial lamb. It's the way I feel like I had to endure a lot of crap in order to [00:26:00] get to a certain point where I'm okay with the shit that I did and, I went through a lot of shit. Not to the extent you did, cuz we all have our own stories. 

Jamie: It's the same shit though. It doesn't matter. It's the same. 

Mike: Yeah. Good shame, same shit, Different level, different journey. For sure. But do you think that in any way, cuz you, you seem to kind of hint on the spirituality side of things and I kind of go down that road too. I meditate, I follow certain people and one of the things that Kelly and I kind of connected on when we first connected was Reiki. We talked about Reiki and those types of things. And if I ever told my buddies I did reiki, we'd be like, What the fuck's wrong? Like, are you, what the fuck, dude? I'm like, what's wrong with you? None of them really know, right? Not that I go and talk about it, but I feel more confident now in saying, oh yeah, I've done this, I've done that. Gone to therapy for four years, revealed so many things. It was the greatest thing I ever did. So, back to you. Do you think that being bullied and all those things growing up that. It was kind of meant to be in some kind of way, for you to grow spiritually, if you will. [00:27:00] 

Jamie: Yeah. Everything in life is a lesson. Everything standing in line with Sobeys’s when it's busy is a lesson. If you look at 

Lindsey: Yes. Oh God, you true.

Jamie: Meeting someone, meeting 

Lindsey: patients. Yeah. Just like how you react. Even like, it's interesting, the things that piss you off, oh, I'm, some people just, yeah, some people will just stand in line, no big deal. And others you can just like look at them and be like, this person's gonna lose their shit in two seconds if it doesn't move. And that person's usually me, 

Jamie: yeah. No, you're right. And. Everything in my life has led me up to this moment right now, on this day at eight 10, and the only difference from me and anyone else is I'm aware of it. I'm not embarrassed by it, and I acknowledge it. Awareness is 90% of the healing.

 Fuck if I've had so many moments, I had been last week when we're talking about protection and safety. It's just boom. And all of sudden tears come and I'm like, Fuck. But [00:28:00] tears of like, ca now that's another thing that I just uncovered about myself, and that's making me truer to be my authentic self.

 I don't give a rat's ass. I wear fucking more crystals and fucking anyone. I tell everyone what I do. I am not embarrassed. But I also surround myself with people who are like me. I am fucking go to reiki. I go to energy healings. I do fuck weird things, but my weird things make me happy. 

Mike: Yeah.

Jamie: Other things that made me happy before was fucking drinking, vodka, and wanting to drive off bridge. And I thought that, 

Mike: but that's normal to everybody in society. Otherwise, as you quote unquote weird things, it's like don't knock until you try it. The way I say it,

Jamie: the weirder you are the fucking more I love ya. Like be fucking weird. Get out there, fucking burn incense. Fucking does what you give. Hug the tree. Lay around on your bare fee. Anything that for me at least, It took a lot because also my line of work, I'm not the typical stereotype person and I will not. I spent all my life [00:29:00] being whatever you wanted me to be that I never was.

Lindsey: Wow. 

Jamie: And now I me my authentic self that I every day on. That's my goal is to get even more authentic. More authentic, and the more authentic I'm getting. It's fucking so freedom. Ah, I don't have to worry about being a character. If you don't like me, that's okay. I still love you. Yes. Yeah. We'll move on. Fuck, we don't align, but guess what? I'm not gonna change who I am because I want your approval. 

Lindsey: That's exhausting. Mm-hmm. always having to change and alter who you are because you feel like you want or need or crave that attention. And here's the thing with alcohol, it stops spiritual growth. It's a barrier between you and God or you and universe. You can't have a healthy loving life when you're drinking. And the other thing too is, and we still do this, when we look at people who are consuming too much alcohol, it's like, oh, well, what's wrong with them? No, [00:30:00] fuck. The substance is designed to be addictive. It's what it does to our brain. So, you are actually having a normal response to consuming the substance. And I read a stat, one in 10, people who actually consume alcohol for the first time will become addicted. One in 10. Wow. I think it's, that’s fucking crazy. Mm-hmm. 

Mike: Yeah. It's probably even more now with social media. 

Jamie: See, I don't think Lind's I was told that you were born with alcoholism. My game, this is my own opinion is. Mm-hmm., I wasn't. 

Lindsey: I've heard that too. Heard that too. 

Jamie: Addicted to alcohol when I was addicted to was not being me. 

Lindsey: Ah, not being Jamie, I have to, I wasn't addicted to alcohol. What I was addicted to is not being me. Fuck. 

Jamie: Titles, people give you a title, You're an alcoholic. I'm not a fucking alcoholic. 

Lindsey: Oh, that makes me cry.

Jamie: When I go out and I hang out with I don't care how old you are or whatnot, if you're fucking cool, you go to raves, it's fine. A [00:31:00] lot of younger people, right? And when I see guys drinking a lot, they always come up to me and they're always like, Oh my God. How old are your beard? And I, first thing I say to 'em, I'm like, How's your childhood? First thing I say, and some guys will be up, and they'll be like, well, and they'll let us spurt, I believe, and I do. Mm-hmm., it's your childhood. If, if you have a lot of emotional traumata, whatever it was, yes, you had that alcohol, it took that away.

Like it took me away. If, if I, there's no such thing as a healthy childhood, but mm-hmm., if I had a childhood, let's say that I'm giving to Grace, for example, that I knew that I mattered. And again, I love my parents, but if I knew I mattered, if I had confidence, if I had encouragement, again, this is early eighties, right? Fuck, we're all the same Gen Z I come back and, its funny, people joke about it where they're like, oh yeah, we used to smoke like dad's cigarettes and alcohol. And I get irate because that's where most of the suffering happened. Yeah. You know, so if, I see people drinking a lot, and they're outta control, I show 'em compassion. I [00:32:00] look through their eyes and I'm like, they’re hurting. They're hurting it. 

Lindsey: Yes. Yes. So, it's trauma thing too. 

Jamie: Yeah. Nobody wants to go out all, nobody wants to get dressed, especially women. Do your hair, do your makeup. You guys cuing it. Beautiful 

Lindsey: and up in your own barf. No, 

Jamie: exactly. Nobody wants to do that, right? And they're like, Oh, I'm an addicted. For me, I wasn't addicted. The more I drank, the more, I was outta myself until the next day. I was like, oh fuck, everything comes back again. I'm like, Oh God. So, what happens is I used to drink a Tuesday, it just got closer like this. So, my last three years, it was just one big fucking drunk every day. I did not wanna be myself. So, you take that, 

Lindsey: That's how uncomfortable you were. You literally had to drink every day just to stay out of yourself. That's how 

Jamie: I had to smoke cigarettes. I had to do cocaine. I had to do meanwhile, trying to get everyone just to fucking like me. Just someone please like me, someone give me encouragement. Someone [00:33:00] just please give me something that 

Lindsey: just desperate. 

Jamie: Yeah. 

Mike: Sorry Jamie, I was gonna ask you did do hard drugs. 

Jamie: You know what? I only did drugs when I was fucking wasted. Yeah. Gave me a drug for me as alcohol. I don't care. Anyone says Yeah.

Mike: With you on that. I've done lots of stuff and I'd agree that. I wouldn't go out and do the stuff I did unless I was drunk. 

Jamie: No, no. good friend of mine, actually, he passed away two weeks ago. I we used to drink all the time together in high school and he was into some hard drugs too. And then like, yeah, you get a call from high school guys, holy shit.

But so and so was passed and yeah, the first thing I thought about was he never, I loved the guy, but he never experienced what true life is. 

Lindsey: Mm. And some people never do. Isn't that the sad part, Jamie? Think about that. Some people continue this life until they are fucking die.

Jamie: Because the thing is, and I'm glad I hit rock bottom, everyone that I know mm-hmm., they're functional alcoholics. They have their nose [00:34:00] is just like this above the water. It's all good. Yeah. It's all good. Mm-hmm. And that's what most people are like, we can get by, it's good because they don't. Wanna eliminate it completely and then sit with those feelings, those emotions, go to therapy, cry every day. Fucking, yeah. All that stuff that is so rewarding, but so fucking painful. But pain is good after a while. That's how you become who you are, and you can stand up and have a voice and speak your values and your truth. One thing that I picked up is people don't know who the fuck they are no more. They'll just do whatever. And I used to be one of them, oh yeah, let's do that. Let's do that. Oh, let's do that. No one knows what their purpose is. 

Kelly: It's worse now. I think it's really interesting that you were talking about when you were young, and you were traveling and trying to get approval. Our last episode that we recorded just the four of us, we were talking about social media. And how it's such a, people are searching for dopamine hits, and you know, the likes and all that [00:35:00] stuff. So, you were on that journey before social media. It's a thing it didn't take social media for us to need that approval from people. If we don't know who we are and we're not happy with who we are, then we're looking for it somewhere other than within ourselves, which is where it is. 

Jamie: Coping, coping mechanisms too. Yeah. I always tell people don't get hard on yourself. The world is designed for us to feel less than for us to feel we're not good enough and for us to feel like we're missing out. We're on an uphill battle, so be nice to yourself. Mm-hmm., but realizing that you know what, it takes more work. But once you're there, you don. You're the matrix. You don't care about all that, but yes. You know, so I feel that 

Lindsey: all about money. It's all these companies, like when women feel like shit about themselves, you know, they're trying to sell you makeup and Botox and fillers and lipo section and implants and alcohol. Look at all these people. They're having so much fun and ah, you're right, [00:36:00] it's designed to keep you feeling in lack and insufficient and you're not good enough and you never will be unless you do this and this, 

Jamie: Now do that Lind's with someone, unless you, I'll use myself example, growing up with no self worth, not good enough, right? Into a society. Now you see people with. Anything to fill that inside that they're good enough. Sure. Again, it's not good enough. Chasing, chasing, chasing. For, chasing. What the fuck, chasing, chasing for. Yeah. Chase the inside. The outside was, yeah. Mm-hmm. Change, like chase this, uncover layers with you. In my line of work, it's just fucking chased for what? Mm-hmm. You have no peace inside you, no happiness, no joy. What are you doing it all for? And the truth is, when someone dies, like, yeah, they come to your funeral, half your friends won't come because they're probably busy. A month later, people will start, even weeks will start getting on with their life. And they might think of you once in a while. After a year. Nobody fucking [00:37:00] remembers you anyways. So why do we live our life for everyone else? Why do we live our life to please this person? Please that person, Fuck it. That's where I'm at, authentic be who the fuck love it be. And as long as you don't hurt anyone, be little. He doesn’t hurt anyone and be fucking a good human being. It's a very simple process to live a life. 

Mike: I think a lot of people are addicted to, addicted to self sabotage for some reason. I've been guilty of it and probably still have, 

Jamie: I still guilty about that. Me too. 

Mike: How do we go, alcohol's part of it. Food drugs, blah, blah, blah, gambling, sex, all that stuff. And it's how do we get to that ultimate, like you say, it's almost like that's that inner center of freedom. It's mental freedom. It's a, it's a goddamn life struggle, man.

Jamie: Everything that we struggle with right now for me, again, goes back to my childhood. You'll have all the answers. Yeah. If you have a self des sabotage attitude right now, go back to your childhood. When was there times in your childhood that you know, [00:38:00] were you encouraged to do great things, and did you get rewarded or was it just neglected and had no voice? Well, why the fuck would you do something in your outta life now you just fucking self sabotage? It feels better. It's, everything goes back to childhood. Every fucking thing goes back to childhood. For me.

Mike: It's like you said, peeling layer. It's like peeling off leaves of a cabbage, right? Like Exactly. You gotta get to the core. I totally agree with you. 

Jamie: Three weeks ago, me and Grace, I talked to Grace. My downfall maybe is I talked to her like this. I don't change, like fuck. I talk to her. I always tell the truth. I don't know why parents lie that there's a Santa Claus, your caregivers are people, 

Kelly: Wait, what?

Jamie: But you look at it, we're raised to have a child and the child looks at their caregivers like, Oh my God, you're everything. And what do we do? We lied to them. 

Lindsey: Oh my God. 

Jamie: Yeah. And then when they find out Santa Claus isn't real, it's kind of like a joke, like, ha ha. But that little child who had all your trust in the caregivers lied to [00:39:00] you.

Lindsey: Yeah. 

Jamie: What else they lied to you about? Anyways, we went to sellers on, on pna Highway being Grace. And we had our meal and fact, we just had a good time. And we go in the back where we were parked, and I was parked facing this way. And there I got in the front seat, and I had to do some texting before I was driving. And Grace is in the back, and I see a guy on the sidewalk, probably a good human, but he's, he's on something. He looked pretty, yeah. Not the nicest guy. And then I'm like, this in my car, and then all of a sudden, I hear I'm coming in and he was right opening up the passenger door and they talk about dad power, talk about the spirit. I just immediately, I didn't lose it. I got out my car. He was big too, I wasn't planning on doing this, but I just fucking puffed up. And I was like, get away from my car, walk down the street. I didn't yell. I was calm. And I told him three times and he was kind of delirious and I thought you were my ride. And then he finally walked down street. I look in the back seat and Grace is pet head. So immediately I knew, okay, here's a belief right there. I gotta get on [00:40:00] this right off the bat. So, we talked about it, I said she was protected. We, we still talked about it. I even told her Grace, what can I do to make you feel safer? I'm like, I'm the strongest dad in Winnipeg. Like, that's another positive fucking way to live because of the journey. All that pain that I went through, I can do that now to Grace. 

Kelly: You're breaking the cycle. That's so powerful. Jamie. I had so much chaos and chaos in my childhood, and that is one thing my sister and I talk about a lot is that nobody ever came and said Are you okay?

Jamie: Are you okay with ah, or asked your question like, Kelly, what can you, what can we do, Kelly, to make you feel. Never had that either. I'd be like, Holy fuck, this is great. 

Kelly: Yeah. Good for you, Jamie. 

Jamie: That's only because of the awareness and the old, yeah. I always tell a lot of guys that Move your fucking ego aside.

Lindsey: Mm-hmm., 

Jamie: fuck it, get rid of it. [00:41:00] Be vulnerable. No one's gonna think any less of you. You know what I mean? Like, get it out. Get deep inside you. Why do you feel that way? Like, it's okay to let go. You're not the most important person in the fucking world. It's way bigger than what you think. I still have friends who are my age who treat their wife’s like, It's 1950. And like, What the fuck are you guys doing?? But that's all they know, you know? You can't judge. I'm not judging anyone. Yeah, everyone, you gotta look through their eyes and if it works for them, it works for them. 

Kelly: You can break the cycle. You don't have to do what's familiar in what you learn.

Jamie: Exactly. Yeah. And we all have this beautiful star, like right in us, like fucking beams. But we have clouds too. Sometimes clouds are over. My star doesn't mean my star isn't gone. It just means the clouds are there. I gotta push them away, you know what I mean. So, you have bright skies, blue skies, and shining, but clouds will come and go. Always throughout life but you don't want them to stay for weeks and weeks and weeks. But we're all fucking shooting stars. We're [00:42:00] all fucking magical. No one's different. 

Lindsey: I have two questions. You said early on in this talk that your grandpa was an alcoholic. Yeah. So, my question is, how did you know that? How did you know that as a child, that your grandpa was an alcoholic? And my second question, which I can remind you of, cuz I know when I get asked too many questions, I'm like, what was the question? But I wanna know how you knew that your grandpa was an alcoholic. Like what made him an alcoholic? And it's Melissa, right? 

Jamie: Grace is mom. Yeah. Yeah. 

Lindsey: Okay. So, when she called your parents, what did they say? what was their reaction to Melissa's call? So those are two things that or in my brain. 

Jamie: Yeah. First question. I would go to my, my giggy and baba because I'd be Ukraine. They're fun in the summer. It was well known that my grandfather was alcoholic, my mom, you know what I mean. And okay, I wasn't the brightest kid, but I used to cut the grass and every time I'd go this way and turn around, Passed out. It wasn't, yeah. I mean, and then [00:43:00] he would fight, I used to think my grandfather was, up here. And now I looked at it like, fuck my poor baba, my poor fucking lu. Like, aw, you know what I mean? So, I, I knew that he was an alcoholic, but I didn't know, I just thought he just drank lots I didn't know why people drank. Mm-hmm. If I knew why he, like, I would've been probably drinking sooner. Second question. When I told my mom and dad, it was yeah, not really a, I just said, Well, good for you or proud of you. And that's that. So, I basically by no means not having a pity part here, but I did it on my own. I didn't have friends I have now in my life where I could call and be like, I'm not feeling too well. Yeah. It was all in my head. And I had a good therapy session last week and she asked me, she's like, well, who, would you go to talk to share things? And I'm like, right now. I just go for walks with myself. I've been doing it all my life. Walking home from grade three, packing just in my head, just me. I reach out to anyone, so a good thing I but now I share lots with other people because it's good to voice it. Get that it's a vibration that [00:44:00] you, you know, how vo, like how bodies are magical, but like fuck, it's a vibration.

It vibrates when you're getting it outta your mouth out into the energy, you gotta get it out. Not in here. I always tell people, never fucking worry alone. Don't worry alone. 

Lindsey: Oh, I like that. 

Jamie: Tell someone cuz you, when I used to worry alone, holy fuck, I still do it sometimes, right? I catch myself. Maybe don't worry, nothing worries about, and I'll go call someone or do something. Yeah. More people have to, everyone’s so chasing, chasing, chasing what they think they need when really, we should be chasing people and seeing what we can do for them. Fuck, you need a hug, what do you need? Like fuck. I know it's rough. I'm not feel those feelings. It's okay to have a bad day. Yeah. You're not gonna fix everything. Go to bed. Get a good night's sleep tomorrow. We try. It's the best. Start over. Myself included when I first got sober, like, fuck, I don't want to wake up every day perfect. It's impossible, right? I said, you do the best you can [00:45:00] and you surround yourself by good people. And don't be afraid to show love and don't be afraid to fucking be who you want to be. It's taken me 11 years to be who I am now, and I'm still not who I want to be or authentic yet. I'm kind of scared for that. I'll have like no shirt on

s

all yours

to

Lindsey: Oh man. That's good. Yeah. That's good. What a story, man. Like, holy mo. 

Kelly: Amazing. 

Jamie: It's not about the alcohol like I used to. It's not like it is about the alcohol, it's just. I used alcohol. Some people use food, some people buy stuff on Amazon. It's coping to get you out of that feeling that developed from whatever happened in your childhood.

Lindsey: Yeah. 

Jamie: Trauma doesn't have to be someone hurting you or [00:46:00] physically touching you 

Lindsey: is so true. 

Kelly: I think there's a misconception which when people hear the word trauma, they think it means abuse, like physical abuse or mental abuse, but it's not, 

Mike: I've got more than one meaning is what you say is what you're saying.

Kelly: Yeah, it could be. It could be something that somebody else would not consider trauma. 

Jamie: I read this thing once and everything. I'm sharing's not me. I've read, I am fucking YouTube it. I, nothing is, but it gave a great example. You had a married couple, and they had a four-year-old son. He comes home from work. Adult problems. Late on the bills, she might lose her job, like adult problems, right? But you have four-year-old little Johnny, and all Johnny wants to do is go with dad to, let's say Walmart. Cuz dads got to, So Johnny doesn't know about the adult problems. He just is with his dad. They're walking through Walmart and the dad is all checking his list. He's on his phone, he's stressed out, his man is calling him, his wives on his ass like blah, blah, blah. Johnny looks at his dad and it's like, Dad, can I get a, can I get this toy? And the dad turns around and [00:47:00] says, No Johnny, you don't deserve it. You don't do anything good today. And keeps on walking but the way that Johnny hears that is, I'm not good enough. I didn't do anything. The dad didn't mean it, the dad was stressed out. Cause back to society where society is designed for us to feel like the dad's feeling. And not to have time to actually sit and sit with little Johnny and say Johnny and have a slow conversation to process it. And the dad hasn't done his healing. Mm-hmm., so the dad hasn't done his healing. How can you heal your child? It's a cycle that goes unfortunately. And it's, that's where the compassion I have for so many fucking people, it's not their fault. 

Lindsey: Well, yeah, you're right. 

Jamie: They make bad choices, but everyone makes bad choices. But like, it's not their fault. 

Mike: No. They die because they don't want to acknowledge the fact that they could be not perfect in their eyes. Yeah. Like you say, ego. 

Jamie: So, yeah. I always get younger girls that I, I go to a lot of festivals, and they look at me as a dad figure, which is [00:48:00] great, and they're always like, well, I'm dating so and so. What do you think? I'm like, you want my opinion. Go meet his fucking parents right now. Go see his dad. How does his dad treat his mom? And she's like, that’s what your son's gonna be. That's what he's gonna be. You learn from your caregivers, right? Mm-hmm., and it's so, so true. And breaking the cycle is hard, but the breaking the cycle is needed. It's needed for society. It's needed for us to, 

Mike: Well, it's needed for generations, man. Yeah, totally, totally agree. 

Jamie: And it gets you outta your head what you think you need or what you think you don't have. The biggest fear is not getting what you think you need or losing what you think you have. It's the biggest fear, really. Think about that. Everybody needs something they don't get. They're upset and they lose up. They're upset, and they're. Yeah, you don't know what's good for us. That's the thing. Know what's good for us. 

Lindsey: That's so true. 

Jamie: The moon's been in the fucking sky for 28 billion years and we've been here for fucking last, say a hundred years and we think we know everything. [00:49:00] Seriously. Like it's, it's insane. The moon fuckings and waters the moon that seen D, See, she has seen everything. But as humans, we think we just know everything and how to do it the right way. 

Kelly: You still have that moon book, Jamie? 

Jamie: I do.

Kelly: I never got that. The first page. It's pretty

Mike: Jamie, I like you, man. You're a good, good vibe, dude. I really like you. 

Lindsey: Good energy.

Mike: I relate to it a lot. 

Jamie: I love you guys. Actually, 

Mike: thanks for sharin 

Kelly: Tracey's so quiet and she even got her phone book to sit on tonight and haven't heard it. 

Tracey: I didn't get my phone book. I'm using my webcam now. 

Kelly: Oh, it's good.

Lindsey: It's really good.

Tracey: I look normal now, like, Yeah, 

Lindsey: look like this. 

Jamie: How long have you guys all been sober? 

Lindsey: This October is gonna be three years for me, or this October. This December? Yeah. Yeah. Three years. 

Tracey: November 4th. [00:50:00] 

Jamie: My birthday, 

Tracey: two years for me. Ah, good job. Yeah. 

Jamie: You know what's funny? When people say, good job to me, I'm like, Well, it's like ready from a burning house. And they're like, like, what house was on fire? And 

Kelly: what else was I supposed to do? 

Jamie: You can gimme that hug and be like, Fuck, congratulations. I'm like, Thanks God. 

Lindsey: Oh shit. But thanks. 

Tracey: You look at it like, thank God you're alive, right? Yeah. Yeah. But cause like you said, there was a lot of times where you should have been dead so 

Jamie: Well. Yeah. And like you've been two years Tracey 

Tracey: yeah. Two years. Yeah. 

Jamie: Yeah. It doesn't matter how long you have been sobering for, it's the amount of work you've done. Yeah, it doesn't matter. You go to AAO 27 years, it is fucking doesn't matter. You're on your ninth marriage. Yeah, you're unemployment, but you're 26 years like it like, 

Lindsey: but the work never ends. That's the thing. Mm-hmm. I think somebody who thinks that they've reached the end of the work, I'm like, Ooh, red flag. 

Kelly: Right?

Jamie: [00:51:00] It never stops.

Lindsey: It never stops.

Kelly: I find that there's like a balance between knowing that. Knowing that it never stops, and then not trying to reach some sort of destination and not judging myself when I'm not in a good place, not about a 

Lindsey: destination, that's the thing. 

Kelly: It's not about a destination. There's always work, but we are perfect right now.

Like we're exactly where we're supposed to be on our own personal journey right now. 

Jamie: Yeah. 

Mike: I like Jamie’s analogy of the clouds. I love it. I'm in my own self talk. 

Wow. We have it right day, sunny day. Yeah. 

Lindsey: And that doesn't mean your star is gone. It's still there. 

Kelly: That's right. The star's always there. I always say the suns always there. Just sometimes there's clouds

Jamie: just like in the sky with Mother Nature, I still find it so amazing how Mother Nature she's so fucking beautiful. But we humans try to control it with weather stations and fucking forecast. Like she'll do what she'll [00:52:00] do when she's ready.

Like, and 

Mike: that's another whole podcast episode. Right. I'll be glad to join you if you decide to set it up.

Kelly: Yeah. 

Jamie: I know nothing about the outside. I really, really don't know nothing. I don't, I'm so protected what goes in my ears. Mm-hmm. I don't know. Any news? Nothing. I found out good Tom, missing much a divorce. I found that out at the office. 

Kelly: You found out what? 

Jamie: That Tom Brady might be getting a divorce? Yes. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But I have enough in here that I have to take care of to worry about fucking my man crush. You know what I mean? He's not gonna, he's, 

Kelly: he needs to keep playing football, so he gets the approval that he is seeking. He hasn't gotten enough yet. 

Jamie: I'd give him approval. Fuck. I know. Immediately. Immediately.

Lindsey: Oh. So, Jamie, for our listeners, what three things do you know to be true now that you are sober? More aligned with yourself? More [00:53:00] authentic. What are your, I don't know, top three things that are your truth, what you know to be true. 

Jamie: I always, if you look deep enough inside you, you know the answer.

Lindsey: Ah, that's so good. 

Jamie: You know the truth. And you may not want to hear it. You may, you may cloud it, but if I, I know the answer and like that helped me with being vulnerable. That helped me with letting my guard down. Your intuition. It's there for a reason. Your consciousness. It's there to guide you. You just have to really, really trust it and it'll always give you the truth. It will always give you the truth and sometimes you don't fall through with it. You're like, Well, I dunno. Might go McDonald's. I know too. She says, no, but I might go get five anyways. Like 

Lindsey: doing four cheeseburgers please.

Jamie: Being polite for destroyed 10. And then, it's. Just be a fucking good person and look through people's [00:54:00] eyes. So, if you're having an argument, if you're having something, look through their eyes and show what are they feeling? What are your actions looking like when you look at yourself? Mm. It's that's a secret, like it's not the secret. Just look through other people's eyes if you don't know them, if you see a mom, walking down the street, three kids, and they'll get mad because she's slow crossing the street. Look through her eyes, How's her? Well, she's struggling with, we're all struggling everything. We're all fighting to have a happy life. We might as well just fuck help people along the way. And by doing that, you just fucking be a good human being. And then everything else that just comes with it, like it all comes, but just be a good human being. True compassion. Have empathy. Be grateful. Again, I'm talking like a mood right now, but like, fuck, I have done like five years. Like I'm fucking running around here like on a cloud nine, but like trust. 

Lindsey: It's so good though, dude. Like holy shit. 

Jamie: If you know my people in my life, that's how I live. That's how I [00:55:00] live my life. 20. Oh, we should all live. Doesn't matter how you are working. Yeah. But everyone has their own. The way you live is good for you. The way I live at is good for me. As long as they're aligned in some way. There's no one right way to live your life. Just make choices, you know? Kni the time and listen to tuition and fucking hug people and tell 'em they are beautiful. Tell 'em they look great. Tell 'em you're proud of them. Yeah, just words are so fucking powerful. Look at all the words that we've all been told in our life that have affected us for so many fucking years. Mm-hmm. now. Say something positive with words, you’re fucking beautiful. I love your hair. Keep on rocking it. People remember that and they, they do, their confidence goes up.

Their confidence goes up. Remember that, you know, 

Lindsey: and you feel good, when you say a compliment, or you say something positive to somebody and you see their reaction. The real gift is to you, right? 

Jamie: We're in a society where I have to disclose, I don't care if it's a man. If I see a good guy in the street, I'm like, Fuck buddy, you're good looking. Good job. [00:56:00] I do dude, buddy. Look on point. You know? They let their guard down. They're like, Oh yeah. Thanks man. Yeah. But with a female, you're in a society where you have to say, Listen is a totally honest compliment.

Lindsey: Yeah, I hear you.

Jamie: You look fucking beautiful Yeah. Aw. Giving someone a compliment that, ah, you're so honest. That shouldn't be a compliment. Should be fucked. That's where we are. Hey, thank you for being honest, Lynn. Really, you should be.

Lindsey: You're like, it just should be right. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's a good point. 

Jamie: Yeah. 

Lindsey: This has been awesome. This was great. 

Tracey: There any things you do religiously or routinely, Jamie, that you found has really helped your journey? 

Jamie: My place right now? Yeah. Like I have a routine. My environment where I live has to be,

Lindsey: Look at all your plants. Hello. I've just been like staring at all of them. 

Jamie: You can. My environment has to be clean, fresh. I always have incense going with energy. I got my essential oils. I'm so protective of the energy around me. I'm so protected of getting [00:57:00] people's energy on me cuz it all attaches. I don't listen to anything on mainstream. No music, no radio, no tv, nothing. My Facebook and Instagram feeds have nothing that I don't wanna see. Mm-hmm. I don't wanna know what's going on out there. Mm-hmm. And I just try to do good things, I guess. I like to exercise. Of course. I like to. Be in nature and hug trees and be connected to the earth and go to the beach and doing things for me instead of everyone else that I've done with all my life. You know what I mean? 

Tracey: That's good. That's really good. 

Jamie: Yeah. And knowing that like trace, you just gotta, not every day is gonna be fucking roses. Not every day. Expectations nobody wants to live a life with. Everybody wants a life that has no ups and downs. That's perfect all the time. and seriously again, back society, they make it feel like that's how you should live. Big house, big excess. But it's not true. If you have five, if you have four good days out of seven days are fucking winning. 

Lindsey: You are winning. Yep. [00:58:00] 

Jamie: Winning one day out of a month, I used to have a, which was a win. Mm-hmm. And we used just try to work to get those days closer together. So yeah. Maybe have week of fucking great times. Yeah. Then you have a day of shit and then you'll have a day of old habits coming up in old beliefs. But you catch it because you've been doing the work. And you say, That's not true. If that doesn't work, you call your therapist. If that doesn't work, you fucking go run around fucking in the sun. Like whatever you gotta do.

Lindsey: That doesn't work. Take a nap. 

Tracey: I think we could have a whole episode on expectations. 

Kelly: Oh yeah. Oh, 

Lindsey: I like that. 

Kelly: Good one. Mm-hmm. 

Jamie: expectations. When you stop drinking, putting alcohol to your lips, like myself, I thought life would be perfect. 

Lindsey: And was it 

Jamie: No, I know the alcohol is the, we’re gonna tell the people stop drinking. The alcohol is the easiest part. It's everything else. It's uncovering your emotions, your beliefs, your core beliefs.

Lindsey: It allows you to work on the shit. That's [00:59:00] what it does.

Kelly: Clarity. 

Jamie: Have you guys seen inside out. 

Kelly: Yes. 

Lindsey: Oh, the, is that, that di not Disney Pixar movie? Yeah. 

Kelly: Yeah. One of those. Yeah.

Jamie: That is, it’s one of the best movies that So Good been made. It explains your subconscious mind, core memories, core beliefs, but if you watch it just use yourself and figure out what your core beliefs are. When you were five years old, my core beliefs Oh my God. Weren't too good. 

Tracey: Wow. 

Lindsey: Well, I tell Kelly this all the time. I do some meditation, sometimes, one of the most recent ones that I did was, it was picture your three-year-old self and you're walking towards your three-year-old self and you're talking and you're getting down and talking to you. I just ball, I fucking ball anytime I'm picturing my little girl self and I'm like, what would I say to her and how would I treat her? I just lose it. I don't even understand why, but I'm like, Oh, there's some trauma there. 

Kelly: There's some trauma there. And then on the other side of that, there's some gold. 

[01:00:00] Yeah, you're gonna 

learn something. 

Jamie: Sometimes you don't have to say anything to your little child. You just have to hug them. Just be there.

Lindsey: Yes. Just be there. Makes me ball like my god. 

Jamie: Just be there and um, just hug them. just be there, I know I talk lost in this, but people don't listen no more. People don't want advice. People don't wanna know. People come to you with problems and everyone's Well, you should do this. No one fucking likes to be told what the fuck you do? Just listen. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Just listen like I do. So, my little child, I'm just there with them sometimes look at hugs. I'm like, You're pretty beautiful, Jamie. I know. He tells me Big Jamie kinda

I talk like that because I'm confident, but all my life I never thought I was worth anything. So, it's exciting for me to look in the mirror and maybe 60% be like, Yeah, you're look okay today, Jamie. You know what I mean? We all struggle with that. Fuck always. Doesn't matter what you do all, it's from the inside.

You try [01:01:00] everything. On the outside, it looks great, but when you heal the inside, the outside just changes automatically. 

Lindsey: It's so true. 

Jamie: Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Society doesn't want that. What they do is get eyebrows, get this, get that, get everything on the outside. Right? Meanwhile, neglecting the inside because if everybody sat with what they have and worked on themselves, it would be a beautiful place to live. And that's not really what people want. 

Lindsey: Well, that's not what society wants because that's how they distract us from focusing on the inside. Because can you imagine if we all were just walking around in straight peace, we wouldn't need makeup and tattoos and hair this and, and Botox that and clothes and fast fancy cars and Louis Vuitton bags and we'd all just be at peace. And that doesn't make money. No. Right. I dunno. Where can people find you, Jamie? Are you on Instagram? Do you have Facebook? If somebody listening wanted to like 

Jamie: Yeah. Jamie Swaile, I don't know if you do links, but kind a big deal. [01:02:00] So

Tracey: we'll put that in the show notes. 

Lindsey: Someone wants to sell their house. You're big. I d Any Winnipeg? No. Hey, Winnipeg in a

realtor. 

Jamie: I love to I love to help people. I've guided some gentlemen to this beautiful way of life, and I say, guide it. Because I didn't show 'em anything that Wasn't true. Yeah. Well, no, I just guide them. I just gave them what was given to me, mm-hmm., I can't think of any other scenarios where, when I first reached out to Lori on a Saturday and he's a fucking busy guy, within 20 minutes he was there. And I'm the same way. If someone is out to me, fuck. I don't care what the fuck I'm doing if I'm, I'm there. Cause I know what it's like. 

Lindsey: That's amazing. 

Jamie: Pass it on, you. 

Mike: Pass it on. 

Kelly: Awesome. 

Jamie: Yeah.

Kelly: Thanks Jamie. 

Tracey: Thanks, Jamie. 

Jamie: Thank you.

Tracey: Great story. Yeah. Thanks for sharing 

Jamie: problem. Yeah. Yeah. 

Kelly: Well thanks everybody for listening. If you've enjoyed this episode, please remember to like, [01:03:00] subscribe, follow, or share the episode with a friend. You can find us on social media at LAF Life Podcast on Instagram or join our LAF Life community on Facebook. Until next time, keep laughing. 

Bye guys. 

Tracey: Bye guys. 

Mike: Bye

Closing

Kelly: Thank you for listening. Please give us a five-star rating like and subscribe, share on social media, and tell your friends. We love getting your feedback and ideas of what you'd like to hear on upcoming episodes of the laugh life podcast. If you yourself are living alcohol free and want to share your story here, please reach out.