LAF Life (Living Alcohol Free)

Kelly's 5 Truths Season 2 Ep. 12

• LAF Life • Season 2 • Episode 12

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Celebrating our co-host Kelly's 5 years AF! Kelly dives into the 5 truths she has learned since becoming alcohol free. We openly discuss how Kelly came about these truths on her recovery journey and what each of them  means to us.

✨️Being hangover-free never gets old.
✨️Healing is hard. Staying in denial of our own personal truth is harder.
✨️I’ve never met a single person who’s regretted giving up alcohol.
✨️Our power to heal and grow lies in our ability to continue to surrender into the                  unknown.
✨️Inner peace comes with having integrity with ourselves, forgiving ourselves and               learning how to love and accept ourselves exactly as we are right now.

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Wellness Togethe...

Kelly:

welcome to the LAF life podcast, a lifestyle podcast based on living alcohol free and a booze soaked world. My name is Kelly Evans and together with my friends, Tracey Djordjevic, Mike Sutton and Lindsay Harik. We share uncensored. Unscripted real conversations about what our lives have been like since we ditched alcohol and how we got here by sharing our individual stories. We'll show you that there isn't just one way to do this, no matter where you are on your journey from sober, curious to years in recovery and everyone in between, you are welcome here, no judgment and a ton of support. Hey everybody. Welcome to the Laugh Life podcast. We're at episode 12 in season two, and tonight we are going to talk about five truths that I have learned after living five years alcohol free. Hey you guys.

Tracey:

Hey Kel.

Mike:

Hey, what's up

Kelly:

We're missing Lindsay tonight. She's traveling for work. Yes. And can't get on. So this week I celebrated February 5th was five years alcohol free. Woohoo. Yes. Seems crazy. Woohoo. Thank you.

Mike:

Congratulations. Thank you. I was thinking February today. So what's today? February 15th, we're recording and today is my anniversary for my business. I started my business 18 years ago. Oh wow. Wow. Yeah. Bravo. That's great. Amazing. That's great. Thanks. And four years ago, in February, this same week, I ended my marriage well, wow. Have you guys ever noticed anything like that? Transformative time? I have a specific month. That's transformative for me.

Tracey:

Yeah, sounds like it. You guys are, I dunno.

Kelly:

No, sorry,

Mike:

I don't need to laugh. That's not, sorry. I just find it very funny that. We're able to tie all that together And four years ago I ended by So so we'll get onto the topic of the show and just throw that little Diddy in there and

Kelly:

throw that little Diddy. The other little Diddy I was gonna throw in was we've released a clip from our welcome back episode, and Tracey makes a really awesome little thing that we can turn into a reel. The clip was about being authentic and being true and just putting yourself out there on social media. Mm-hmm.,and then I made a post after that. I just really felt the need to because I sounded so confident and everything in this clip that yeah, you just do it. You just put yourself out there and, I felt afterwards, I am so vulnerable when I do that sometimes. and we've talked about this before, really struggle with vulnerability still in my life, mostly in romantic relationships, but in my life and yeah, just how vulnerability is really, we've talked about kind of the way to growth and getting past things, so

Tracey:

Oh, a hundred percent. I would absolutely say that. That is definitely one thing I've learned. And I had that conversation with my brother actually. Hmm. Since being sober. how the power in being vulnerable and sharing your story. There's so much power in that people see that as a weakness to be honest about our faults or, things we've struggled with. But it's really actually so empowering and it really does help other people. We've seen it so many times mm-hmm. since we started this podcast.

Kelly:

Right, yeah.

Mike:

I don't think it's a weakness. I think it used to be a weakness, but I think, I think honestly social media is changing that, that it's flipping it in some regards that there's more people that are speaking their truth. We don't call it vulnerable, whatever you want to call it. Mm-hmm. I think these kids now There is no secrets with these kids. They just, everything is out there. So, I don't know that that's a good thing entirely, and it's a whole other topic, but from our generation, I think, yes, at one time for sure, it was classified as a weakness, especially as a man. I mean, Jesus, it was like, don't cry, don't do this. You're a pussy, da da da, da, da, da da. So, I think it's great that more and more people are, are, are cracking the shell, right? Yeah. I guess it's, it's definitely hard to do. I'm sure. When it wasn't for me, but that's just in my personality. It's just. I'm not doing it. Sorry. Don't care.

Kelly:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's easier, it's definitely easier to not be vulnerable, but then I don't see any growth happening for myself. No. If I'm not, so, I do post like I did with this, I made my five year and this is the five truths that we're gonna talk about. I make that post and I like it and I put it out there, but I also feel like I'm gonna throw up and then I usually cry after two because it's so hard for me.

Mike:

why no, but I mean, honestly, why I wanna, I wanna try to understand.

Kelly:

It's like a protective thing, I think. Mm-hmm. because I've had lots of, I've been vulnerable in the past, in situations and it's not accepted

Mike:

from

Tracey:

that's what I was saying, Kel, about my work situation. That's how I felt at work. Mm-hmm. I put myself in a vulnerable position if people I work with know that about me, because God forbid, I said, I'm on the wrong side of someone one day and they're going to use that against me. Mm-hmm. it's not because I feel shame about it. Right. But it's a tool or a weapon for someone to use. Mm-hmm. and that,

Kelly:

but this is, I'm going back to childhood here.

Tracey:

Yeah. It's a protective thing.

Kelly:

Yeah.

Tracey:

That's the fear of being vulnerable.

Kelly:

Mm-hmm.

Tracey:

is you are protecting yourself because potentially someone could use that against you.

Kelly:

Yeah. And then I don't feel accepted and then that's rejection.

Tracey:

Right.

Kelly:

Well, the feeling of rejection to me is the worst feeling in the world.

Mike:

Ah, probably is for a lot of people, but I think anything, it's a form of practice.

Kelly:

Yes.

Mike:

And that's how you get better.

Kelly:

Yes.

Mike:

And keep doing it. And I think keep writing these posts if that helps keep, speaking your truth to whoever. And it's cliche to some degree, but who gives a shit what anybody else thinks? What it only matters what you think. Mm-hmm. And that's the hardest damn thing to instill I think into someone's mind. Yeah. this whole road of not drinking, definitely we all have said we don't talk to nearly as many people as we probably once did. It could be all judgey and you could feel vulnerable and all that fun stuff, but who cares, man, if you're. Who cares, man.

Kelly:

Yeah. And it's more important to me, I made the decision to do this, to do this podcast and to share my journey. That is more important to me. Helping other people feel less alone in this alcohol-free journey than it is to be judged, obviously, cuz I keep doing it. Mm-hmm. I'm just saying it's still hard. And even right now I'm sweating

Mike:

It's that shirt, it's that shirt you're wearing, it's got the sweat on.

Kelly:

Yeah.

Tracey:

There is that component that we forget about too, that there's probably less people caring about what we're doing than we think. Right. It's true.

Mike:

Oh God. God.

Tracey:

We think everybody's paying attention to what we're doing and the reality is most of them are not. So That's right. Why do we care so much? Or worry about Yeah.

Mike:

They can't even figure out their own self, let alone other people.

Kelly:

Yeah, exactly.

Mike:

I heard it something the other day where the person said, we get stuck in these old things, childhood marriage issue, whatever you wanna call it. And they're banging the sides of the wall, oh, I'm still here, I'm still here, I'm still here. You can go anytime you want. I'm, I'm done with you. Until we can really do, really do that and don't care. Well then I think we're somewhat free,

Kelly:

but Yes. Mm-hmm. it's a way to freedom. It is. being vulnerable is the only way to be free

Mike:

and talking about it, talk therapy, whatever you wanna call it. This mm-hmm.

Kelly:

this our free therapy. Yeah.

Mike:

Right. It helps. I mean, do you think, well, I can speak for myself. There are some times, where I was like, oh man, I dunno if I have the energy to do this tonight, but I do it. Mm-hmm. and I feel great when I get off. I'm glad I did that. So, yeah. Yeah. Talk, talk. I guess finding the right people to talk with though. that's a part of the vulnerability side of things, right? Mm-hmm.

Tracey:

yeah. And it's a lot easier said than done, we can say that, but then to put it in practice is another thing. You often say, Kel, it's a practice,

Kelly:

right?

Tracey:

Right. So we just gotta keep practicing. True.

Mike:

Gal Iverson says practice man. Who's that? it's a basketball thing where, oh, he got ridiculed because he wasn't trying in practice. And then when he got interviewed, it's all about, it's, we're talking about practice he was just you're writing me about, anyway. Sorry. Back to the five things, Kelly.

Kelly:

Okay, let's do it. So, five truths I learned after five years of living alcohol free. So number one is being hangover free never gets old.

Tracey:

Oh yeah, that's for sure. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't suffer a lot of hangovers. I said this before not debilitating ones where I'd be in bed or have a headache or feel nauseous or anything like that. My hangover was anxiety. Mm-hmm. that's how I experienced a hangover. I just had tons of anxiety which honestly, sometimes I would've rather taken a headache or an upset stomach to deal with.

Mike:

Mm-hmm. anxiety, headache, feeling like crap all and then eating crap. Oh, yes. Just, oh, let's eat grease. Grease just sucks All the booze up. Or Yeah, let's smoke a joint. Cause I'll, it did make me feel a little bit better, but then I went and ate the crap. So it made it right. Feel cycle. That affects all Yeah. Your fucks your brain chemistry.

Kelly:

Yeah. Right. Yeah. In many, in many ways. So I was chasing that nursing the hangover so much towards the end that, because I was li I was super high functioning, I was doing so much stuff and wake up in the morning and have the green smoothie cuz that felt that's what I needed to do. But then, yeah, halfway through the day, driving around and going through the drive-through to get fries cuz I needed the grease. Mm-hmm. and then just waiting for five o'clock or a after kids practice or whatever, eight o'clock till I could drink my wine again and then started all over again. But yeah. And then I would have if we went hard on a weekend like debilitating. Hangovers on the weekends where I've just wasted an, an entire day. Yeah. So when I say it never gets old, it's like I have these moments of gratitude on the weekends where I will go out, I still go out, I'll go watch some music or whatever, go out with some girlfriends and still Sunday morning, I can go on a hike or I can, do whatever. Whereas I never would've done, I can just do so many more fun things, with my time rather than nursing a freaking hangover. So,

Tracey:

so here's a question for you, Kel. Okay. Like you said, you were high functioning. Do you really believe you were that high functioning or were you compensating for the fact that you knew you drank too much and you had to accomplish all these things? Because personally, I feel like I am so much more motivated and accomplished since I quit drinking. I would say I was high functioning too. It's not like I wasn't getting things done. but I didn't have the same level of motivation to do them. I was just getting through them. Well, I did, I built a multimillion dollar business while I was drunk and hungover and raised three kids and achieved everything in my business, at a high level. But I was dying on the inside. Mm-hmm. So now my time, my healing journey is way more important than anything that I've ever achieved, so high functioning. I think as a society we look at productivity as worthiness. We have such a, what's the word I'm looking for? You guys? We put such a, so much emphasis.

Kelly:

Yeah. On being productive. Mm-hmm. And if we're not productive, I'm over that. I'm over that shit. I think we need to let go of that and focus on the inside. So I don't care about being high functioning or high achieving or anything like that anymore. It's like, do I feel inner peace right now in my life? That's what's more, more important to me right now.

Tracey:

Right.

Mike:

But do you, do I? Yeah. Right now. In this moment? Yes. Yeah. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Okay. Go to number two. Yeah. Yeah, sure. This is something that I feel like I've learned, mostly through this podcast this last year, is healing is hard, but staying in denial of our own personal truth is, So I feel like it's come up a lot of people just not living their truth as I wasn't, I was not supposed to be married anymore. I wasn't doing what lit my soul on fire. I was not living my truth. So that's what was killing me on the inside. Yeah, I can relate to that. I mean, I don't feel like I spent most of my life living my truth. We spoke about this even in childhood I was, suppressing a lot of who I was. Mm-hmm. I have said this to some people. I feel more like myself now than I have my whole entire life.

Kelly:

Yeah. That's beautiful. Yep.

Tracey:

I'm gonna post this on our page, but I read something the other day that really resonated with me that would speak to this, but I don't have it handy to read it right now, but I am gonna post it on our page and then I'll make a little comment about it. And I think same as what you were saying, Kel, I think a big part of that has been being a part of this podcast and sharing our stories mm-hmm. and this is really part of us sharing our truth. Right?

Kelly:

Absolutely. Yeah. Mike, do you wanna say anything about that?

Mike:

It's a recurring theme. I think we tend to hit on these things from different conversations. And I think it's good in the sense that we keep reiterating these points that we've grown, I think as a group, we all have a, I think of a minute that talking about it has helped vulnerability being approached outside of this forum by people that say, Hey, I heard your thing. And I think it really helps well, I think it helps the people that are conversing with us, primarily, but it also helps I mean, I know it helps me just gain more confidence in other areas of my life. Mm-hmm. that I probably didn't, pay attention to, with business or potentially romantic. I don't know. Cause I haven't been focusing on that and focusing on my work, but I want to get back into that at some point in time. So I think that being able to share this experience over in different ways with different people allows me to challenge myself and, and really think about some of the things I've overcome, childhood crap that you talked about. And there was one thing you said that I wanted to say was you had said your vulnerability stems as far back as your childhood. Like not being vulnerable or being taught how to be vulnerable. And I think what I want,

Kelly:

being vulnerable and then being shut. Yeah. No, you're right. Keep going. Shut down. Or not being taught how to. Hey, it's okay. I don't think our parents' generation, for the most part, had the skillset to do that. So if you cried when you were a kid, what did your parents say?

Mike:

Well, so my dad was never around. Stop crying, Yeah. My mom wouldn't. I never would

Tracey:

suck it up. My mom stop crying. I never would've cried around her because I was the man of the house. There was no man, so I couldn't really cry. Mm-hmm. I don't think I really cried much. There was a few times I cried, but not much. It

Kelly:

was, yeah. Yeah. Like don't cry, don't be loud. Don't have an opinion

Mike:

Well, the loud part was probably me crying. Just Yeah.

Tracey:

Well, if I had a dollar for every time I was told I need to have a thicker skin, I, oh man. Have a in my back pocket.

Kelly:

That's hard. as an empathetic person who feels everything, my God, that must have been so hard.

Mike:

But I think there's something to be said though. There's a happy media in there, I think.

Kelly:

Mm-hmm.

Tracey:

To be honest with you, it's helped me and been in my favor now learning that. Right. Unfortunately, kind of the hard way in my career, I think because in a career you do have to have that to some degree. I found.

Mike:

To some degree.

Kelly:

Yeah. To some degree. Yeah. I read a book. Here's a link we can put in. I read a book once that really helped me. It's called The Heart Led Leader, because I felt like I needed to have that thick skin, which I'm an emotional person, I am a feeling person. And yeah, I've struggled with that being in a leadership role. So I found that really helpful. I think you'd like that book Trace.

Tracey:

Okay. Thanks Kyle. I like that recommendation. That's awesome.

Mike:

I think you have to have the thick skin analogy, because you have to have the skillset to be able To digest or to break down the scenarios in which you're being challenged. Whereas if you act emotionally, like you say Kelly, you don't always have those, what I mean? And listen, I'm just like you, I have been a firecracker in the past for sure, but I think I did that because of things I was not being taught in childhood. Cuz if you're hurt by what people say every single time that I think there's something more to it than just throw some thicker skin, there's something more to it.

Tracey:

Well, part of it is that in business too, you have to be able to take constructive criticism,

Kelly:

right?

Mike:

Well, you gotta be, yeah. Take those. You gotta be able to take those. Nothing's perfect. Right?

Tracey:

Part of being able or learning to be able to do that, and Kel honestly, that is directly connected to what you were talking about, rejection. Mm-hmm. my fear of rejection. Guaranteed just as strong as yours. Oh, that is one of my biggest fears. Yeah. And has been my whole entire life. Aw. It's, it's a huge reason why I was so introverted as a child. I don't know if that was you as well. Mm-hmm. Hmm. But that was probably my biggest fear. Yeah. So all that is based around being a highly sensitive individual. Right. Well, and I, that's what you said.

Kelly:

Yeah. Through my healing journey and specifically in the last year, I've had specific memories of incidences where I've tried to speak as a child, say this is what I feel about this thing. I learned this thing at school today and it was really cool. And just being immediately shut down. So I grew up my whole life thinking what I say doesn't matter, mm-hmm. That's a form of rejection. Mm-hmm. when somebody says something and you're laughed at. Well, anytime someone is telling you not to be the character you are right. Is rejection. Right? Right.

Tracey:

Not just the thicker skin thing, but I was told many times, stop being so sensitive or you're too sensitive. Mm-hmm. that's again another form of rejection, mm-hmm. So anytime someone's basically trying to tell you not to be who you are Yeah. You're, you're feeling rejected. Yeah. And I think we talked about this on another podcast that just reminded me of being told that I was shy mm-hmm. And I'm not shy, but I read energy and I decide who I wanna talk to and who I don't wanna talk to. If I didn't wanna talk to somebody, my parents would be like, oh, she's shy. Well, no, I just don't like that person's energy. Mm-hmm. Forcing children to interact with people that they don't want to. who I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. That's a tough one. Yeah. I think even as a parent it's tough, but I know what you're saying because I was like that too. Mm-hmm. I was very intuitive with people. Mm-hmm. and I could sense not good people. Yeah. Right away too. Yep. Mm-hmm. and yeah. That's interesting. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. All right. Number three. Kel, what else you got there? I thought Mike was gonna got some juicy stuff. Mike, you got some to add? No, I don't, I don't got anything to add. It's interesting to, to listen to why? Well, because I think it's different for men and women or boys and girls. Right.? Right, right. Boys tend to act out, I think, more than girls do, and that's a, an indication of look at me. Pay attention to me. I mean, I did it in school growing up. I didn't know the answer to something, but I'll sure. How Act up, cause I want the attention mm-hmm. that I probably wasn't getting in other hearings, but that's funny. I was just gonna say, now you're saying that Mike, I think that is kind of true. Boys tend to more want attention. Yeah. Even if it's negative, they seem to act out to get that right.

Mike:

Yeah, I think, well, yeah, Bo for sure as adolescents for sure. Mm-hmm. But that's a whole other podcast itself.

Tracey:

It makes me think actually, and see if Kell agrees here, that it's like women are more content to just kind of disappear in the background.

Kelly:

but how sad is that? I know. It's so sad to me. Yeah. Yeah, I'm shoved into a box, but yeah. Thinking of having to disappear in the background. That's, that's really sad. No, I know. But don't you think that's mm-hmm. kind of the case? For sure. Like if I think of how, think of like a elementary school situation, like I would just sit there. I wouldn't say anything. I wouldn't answer a question. I nothing. And if there were people acting up, they were boys. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I don't remember any little girls acting up. Yeah. Not very many. Mm-hmm. Good observation, Mike. Yeah. That's super interesting.

Tracey:

See, that's why you're here though, mike, the male perspective that that's what you're supposed to be sharing.

Mike:

That's what four years of therapy will do, right? Just make you a professional in all this.

Kelly:

Yes, yes, yes.

Mike:

Everybody should go out and see a good pitch string.

Kelly:

Yes. Therapist. Yes. Yes. Okay. where are we? Oh, number three. I've never met a single person who's regretted giving up alcohol. I have not.

Tracey:

I don't know. But do you think that I might disagree with that because I don't think my dad, Hmm. Was happy to give up alcohol. I don't think there was a day actually he really enjoyed in his life after he gave up drinking. Really? I think that was completely his identity or what he thought was his identity.

Mike:

Yeah, I would comment in relation to that. I went to on Sunday mornings to play hockey and after that I went to Gator Teds for breakfast and there was a guy there. and it was Super Bowl. So the guy was there saving his table, and this was at, we were there at noon and the game didn't start till six 30. So, and listen, I had been that guy at one point in time, so I kind of had an idea and he was like, Hey, how you doing? Da da da. We were just talking and I said was the guy I was with had a, a pitcher of beer? And he said, you, you're not drinking. I said, no, I haven't. I don't drink anymore. I, he like, oh yeah. He goes, I haven't seen you here. And I said, yeah, gave it up once the pandemic started and blah, blah, blah, blah. He said, good for you. What the fuck does good for you mean? is that just a, it means good for you? I don't know. I'm looking into those things because most many people say it. Good for you. Good for you. And it. actually, I shouldn't look on it negatively. Or I guess what I'm trying to say is, is that you think that that's them saying, boy, I wish I could do that.

Kelly:

Mm-hmm. sometimes. Sometimes they just think it's how do you do it? I, what do you do? When I went out to watch the game, a woman said, how do you do it? What, what do you do? Do you smoke? We do you think gummies? And I go, ah, I gave up weed two years ago. what do you do? And I said, live, I dunno what else going drink. I feel my feelings.

Mike:

Yeah. Well, I always felt my feelings, but I never let them out. Right. That's why I drank and that's why I smoked weed

Kelly:

But I live, I remember everything. I excuse, I share my experiences.

Tracey:

I truly experience life every day.

Mike:

And I saw this guy, it was comical to me. It was probably sad in nature, but I was kind of walking to my seat and I looked at, and I knew who he was. but I didn't want to talk to him cause he was so drunk. He was just like, he looked like a fish out of water. His eyes were like, and I was like, holy shit dude, you are bombed. How are you even standing bit drunk? And I looked, I was, I used to get like that. Ah, I totally think we're supposed to see those people. Yeah. Quite a bit. Yeah. And I, and I never once was like, oh boy, it's the big game. I wish I had a beer with the rest of the guys. Couldn't even care. Less good. Probably had won too many Pepsis, but hey there. Yeah. Sugar rush. Oh God. It was awful. Had the detox for two days from

Kelly:

Yeah. Yeah. And I same thing,, I always think I see those people for a reason. As a reminder and no judgment. Zero, zero judgment. No, because I was, I was right there.

Mike:

I just thought, boy, what are you gonna feel like in the morning or Tuesday morning? Mm-hmm. you're eating hurt. Exactly. Exactly.

Tracey:

I don't think any of us definitely have any regrets about quitting drinking, Kel, but I guess I would say that, I think there's probably some people that struggle with it, but we've talked about that. those are the people. Yeah. The white knuckling, just not doing the healing part of it. Nothing. Yeah, absolutely. That's what I was gonna say. Those are the people that haven't dealt with all their shit. Right? Right. A hundred percent. My dad never did. No, but again, he would be back to the old school old boy mentality of mm-hmm. You're not supposed to express yourself. You're supposed to be manly

Mike:

People do when they're drunk. I sat here, listened to what you said, and I thought, do I miss anything? I maybe miss having a beer after baseball or hockey or golf. But if I go out to a pub and sit there and have like five pints talking to somebody, the dirt comes out, all the shit comes out. And then you wake up the next day going, holy Christ, what did I say? What did I tell that I shouldn't have told? Right.

Kelly:

Yeah.

Tracey:

Oh yeah. My dad could be, that's their vulner for emotional drunk. That's the only time he ever expressed himself.

Kelly:

Same with me. Any issues that I had, they only came out like end of the night. Mm-hmm.

Mike:

And that sucks because that's what's keeping us pressed down and not sharing our truth or whatever we want to call it while we're in a sober state. Cause that's when the resolution begins to start.

Kelly:

And re rewind what we were just talking about, about childhood and not being, not being okay to express those things. So we just never learned how to, and the liquid courage gave us that, and now we're learning how to do it for real.

Mike:

Do you think, cuz you're of your boys mm-hmm. and you trace cuz, well your daughter's not at that age yet, but do you think that alcohol is decreasing in consumption amongst the generation? No, still the same.

Kelly:

Decreasing, what did you say? Increasing or decreasing? Decreasing. Oh, decreasing, yes. For sure. Yeah. One of my kids doesn't drink at all. Yeah. One of them is not super interested. He definitely doesn't wanna be drunk, but he would sit around and have a couple beers, around the fire at the cottage or whatever. And then the other one, it's definitely slowed down.. He's only 26, he's almost 27, and his hangovers are getting bad. I'm like, dude, if they're getting bad now, wait till you're 40. So he's seeing that. But they're also very aware of alcohol and I talk about it a lot and I don't tell them not to do it, but

Mike:

they I just think of the generation though. Do they go to bars? Do they party till five in the morning drinking? I'm sure it happens, but. I wonder if it happens as much as it used to.

Tracey:

I don't think so. Anytime I'm out recently there's barely any people out. I don't think people go to bars really anymore. Where do people go to meet people? I think it's all online. Online, online. They're all on snapchat with each each other. And Mike doesn't like that answer. Yeah.

Mike:

No, it's true. It's true though. Yeah. I guess I could go to church. I could go to a church.

Kelly:

Mm-hmm. I could, you could go to church. I can you take a video with like, can you go live with that? I'd like to see Mike at church. Yeah. Do you really think that's gonna happen? You can meet a nice lady at church.

Mike:

I'm sure I could. I could meet a nice lady out having a coffee. I could meet a nice lady at the grocery, grocery store. Remember when you said you were gonna ask a lady if she would like to go for a walk with you on what you were hiking? She did. And we told to do that. No, don't, don't do that. Don't remember. I don't remember saying that, but I'll trust that I said it. You guys have good memories about the things that I do, but I don't remember what you do. So

Kelly:

Okay, so our next one is deep. Okay. Our power to heal and grow lies in our ability to continue to surrender into the unknown. Vulnerability. Vulnerability. Yeah. So what were you leaning by that exactly? I remember the very moment that I knew I had to quit and that click in my brain, that realization and the decision was like jumping off a freaking cliff because I was like, what is my life gonna be without this? Am I gonna have fun? Am I gonna be fun? Am I gonna be able to fall asleep at night? Sadly enough all of those unknowns, right? So that's the initial thing is to surrender into the unknown of what life is gonna be like without alcohol. True, very true. But on the journey, that's what it is. It's surrender. It's a continued surrender into the unknown. Going from my anxious mind of thinking I need to control everything and figure everything out to just kind of living like I always say like, I lived like this emoji for years after I quit drinking. Cuz I was like, what? I thought I had my whole life figured out. I never thought I wouldn't be married. I thought I had it all figured out and then I didn't. So that was proof that no matter how much I tried to control everything and plan everything and think I had the whole thing figured out, I did not. So life is pretty interesting when you. Live in that surrender. And that is also a practice. Mm-hmm. because the mind starts to go and wants to know things and wants to know what's gonna happen with this and with that and, so it's like a surrender. and it's a spiritual thing too. I do think that, I was born with a plan and I do feel like I'm guided by a higher power and it's surrendering to that and knowing that I'm always gonna be okay and there is a plan for me.

Tracey:

I think that is probably the biggest fear most people have when they're trying to make this decision. We get it from a lot of people, or we have from the people we hear from, I have a friend that I've had contact with they keep trying, but then, kind of stumbling backwards. Mm-hmm. I think that's all kind of fear-based, right? Mm-hmm. It is the, how am I gonna navigate life without this type of thing? I guess for me, I've been fortunate that I've always kind of just taken chances in the sense that if I wanna do something, I just kind of do it. And if I have a thought in my head, I just kind of act on it, or when I decide something strongly for myself, mm-hmm. It's just a, I'm doing it. I don't really question it. some people are very indecisive. Yes. I'm not when I decide something, it's decided and that's it kind of thing. Mm-hmm. So when I decided I wasn't gonna drink anymore, it was literally okay, it's tomorrow. That's it. Right. But I know it's not that easy for people. Mm-hmm. I still didn't know how I was gonna navigate anything. Right. I didn't know how I was gonna navigate social situations or terrible things like the death of my father, grief. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Tragedy, whatever. Yeah. Stress. But I just did it. I guess I just took the chance. Right. But it is, I think that's what holds most people back. Exactly what you're saying, Kel. I think a lot of this is like learning how to trust ourselves mm-hmm. to get to that point where you're at trace and just making decisions and, well, it's your instincts. Mm-hmm. Like exactly what you're saying. If you. Believe in a higher power, or even, like I say, the universe? Mm-hmm. The universe will bring you, what is meant for you kind of thing. Right. Especially if you're putting out into the universe the kind of things that you want, and you're putting that kind of energy out. I was having this conversation with one of my employees the other day because she was feeling very anxious and I was just saying I know it's really hard when you're in that anxious state, but try as much as you can to just trust that things are going to play out the way that they're meant to play out. Mm-hmm. the universe is going to. have a plan for how the outcome is going to looks for you. Mm-hmm. just kind of have faith in that and know and let that guide you instead of being stuck and worrying about what's gonna happen, all the outcomes and all those things, because you don't have control over it. Right.

Kelly:

Was it Deb's episode that we were talking about? Practicing presence, being in the present? Yes. Yeah. That's it too because depression is living in the past and anxiety is living in the future. it's the practice of living in the present moment because nothing else matters. We don't even know if we're gonna have, that anxiety that, and I know anxiety so well that it's like I start to bring myself into these future situations, these future conversations. All these things that there's no guarantee we're even gonna get that. Mm-hmm. all we have is right now,

Tracey:

Yeah. Yeah. No, that's true. That's so true. You're right, it comes back to just being present. Mm-hmm. living in the present. And that's a challenge for everybody. Drinking or not sure. Totally. Totally. Any average Joe can have a hard time being present.

Kelly:

Mike? Yes.

Mike:

What would you like? I always thought that this emoji was low five.

Kelly:

Low five. Oh yeah. And so people are listening to this podcast not watching it. So it's the shrugging emoji. That's what I was talking about before. People are like, what's she, what emoji is it?

Tracey:

I love the shruggy emoji though. That's one of my favorites. I love being in that state. I'm like, I dunno. Ooh, let's see what happens. I have no idea. It could be also like you're lifting up the world Kel.

Kelly:

Oh yeah. I don't, I don't feel like that, but when I'm in that state, Okay.

Tracey:

Okay. Lucky number. Are we on Lucky number five? Okay. Yes. The last, so inner peace comes with having integrity with ourselves, forgiving ourselves, and learning how to love and accept ourselves exactly as we are right now. So, well, hmm. That is the biggest ongoing process, Kel for sure. And I think we've talked about that one we touched on it in the last episode. What was the first part you said?

Kelly:

having integrity with ourselves. Yeah. Yeah. So that to me is everything. Mm-hmm. that's what almost killed me, was waking up every day after breaking promises with myself. Mm-hmm. and just, that's what was making me feel like shit. I had no integrity. I had integrity in my business with parenting, friendships, all of that. But the relationship with myself was just awful because I had no integrity.

Mike:

But that's what life is in some ways, you talked about being guided and things being put in place, and the right people coming at the right times. Maybe not the right people, but people coming at the right times to teach you shit. Mm-hmm. So, I firmly believe that you're always going to be able to learn something if you sit back and reflect, reflect. It gets to reflect on on that bloopers particular situation. Stop So, so no reflection is, if I sat there and thought about things that happened over the last 15 years of my life and thought, yeah, it makes sense now cuz the same thing happened twice, either with different people or different situations. But the same thing happened twice. It's. Cause he didn't learn the first time. You, oh man, we gotta bring it to you again. Until you really sit there and really think about how you're going to respond when a situation like this arises the next time.

Kelly:

Oh my God, you guys, I have something juicy here. Oh boy. I am lucky enough, she is one of our listeners, but one of my best friends is a therapist. And I got to spend time with her tonight before I met with you guys. My beautiful friend, said to me today, I am not going to change my patterns until I figure out where they came from. Right?

Mike:

Mm-hmm. That's exactly, yeah, exactly. Thanks. That's what I was trying to say. Yeah. Yeah. That's, that's what I was trying to say in a round about kind of way.

Kelly:

But they do, they keep coming back. My God, I always, they always say, I like to learn things the hard way. Yeah.

Tracey:

You and me both. Kel. Frick. I've been told that my whole life too.

Mike:

E everybody sadly, trust life, right? Trust life. Yes.

Kelly:

It's true. That is a true, like I say that with my girlfriend all the time, but it's always when we're in a state of I don't know what the fuck to do with this situation. It's like trust. Trust life. Trust God, trust the universe, whatever you wanna call it. Mm-hmm. Just trust it. Have faith, go to bed that wake up resolution may come in your sleep.

Tracey:

Well be conscious of what you're putting out into the universe though too, because I was saying that to the girl. I was referring to my employee because we can have this effect. That's like a self-fulfilling prophecy mm-hmm. If we continually think negative, negative, negative, well then eventually that's what we're gonna create. Mm-hmm. Or the conscious or that, or the opposite or no? Yes, but or that negative feeling. Maybe try to tell you something that your instincts are right now. How are you going to respond to what you already know True. Mike, are you just finished sit there and, oh, I'm just gonna wait for it to happen? Or are you going to be somewhat prepared and go, okay, now there's so many little nuances that can occur with anything.

Kelly:

And the awareness of all of that is the first thing, like how you said Mike, you're like, wait a minute, this keeps happening. Yeah. Like there is a common denominator in this relationship situations that I've been it's the awareness, so you keep getting the same lessons over and over again, like you said, wait a minute, this keeps happening. That's the first step is the awareness. Once you have the awareness, then you have the choice to choose something differently the next time. and I sound so sure of myself while I say that, but I don't do it. But again, that's the universe, that's the guide, that's whatever you wanna call it. Right. It keeps presenting you with the same thing. Mm-hmm.

Mike:

Yeah. Or it's you mm-hmm. utilizing all your experiences and fixing it. Yeah. Fixing it by choosing differently. Yeah. When someone fixes a car, they have to sometimes use YouTube to look how to fix it. Mm-hmm. well, in the same analogy is we have to sometimes reference our own internal YouTube and go, oh yeah, that's right. Yeah. Okay. I'm not doing it that way this time. I'm gonna do it this way.

Kelly:

Internal YouTube. That's the key. Yeah. We already have the answers. Yeah. We just need to be quiet. Meditate, be quiet. Get into your body. Yeah. Mm-hmm. And it comes. Yeah. And it's, with anything in life, business friendships, relationships, whatever it may be, if you're getting frustrated, frustrated, frustrated. That's a word. It's a word I get. I get you.

Mike:

And it takes a, it's a word. Now, learn this. I got a lot of words made makeup up, made up for Spectacular is one of them. If you keep doing the same things over and over again, you're gonna get the same responses. And that's when anxiety happens and anger and all these other things. It just keeps coming. However, are you going to channel your, as Kelly's hit on a few times, energy into centering your chi and right, and getting yourself on track on course.

Kelly:

Right. Coming back to the present moment.

Mike:

Oh my god. I'll give you an example. Okay. I used to be a really, I hated people that were terrible drivers and that would just do stupid things. Ooh. I still do well, well I do too, but I'm talking I go cuckoo shk where once my ex-wife told me she was mad at me cuz I got out of control. Anyway, today traffic, I'm driving and it's bumper to bumper and I'm waiting for the turning lane to come to get into the turning lane and my turn comes to merge into the turning lane. And sure enough, some guy, lovely person driving and I see the last second and I didn't brake. I could have easily just drove my car to him cuz I don't really care. I'm not gonna be crying over my car getting hit. But I was like, what the fuck? and for what? And then we go to finally turn left and the guy starts going really slow just to try to piss me off. And I'm like, don't get mad. Don't get mad. Just drove around him and then I was like, why? Why? Why don't try to understand why there's no sense and try to understand why. Hmm. That would've ruined my night for like an good hour later. It was gone within a minute.

Kelly:

That's amazing. So, and those are the moments where we get to see where we've grown, right? Yeah. You still get put in these situations so that you can see, or you have the opportunity to make a different choice. And there's still work to be done. Don't get me wrong. For sure. Yeah. Yeah. Those are the kind of things. Well, is the goal to be perfect? Mine's not. No. No. Never. No. The goal is to not let somebody else's actions affect my own and cause me. Angst or anger and increased blood pressure, amazing. Getting older. And I don't need, I got my own ways to have that happen, so I don't need somebody else doing it. Right. We don't need to give other people power over our own emotions. Oh. They may be in a video game analogy. They're low in food, they're trying to steal our food, maybe, or maybe they're having the worst day of their life. Or maybe they're just hangry. Maybe they're hangry, maybe they're hungover. Maybe they, that's good. this is their best. This is them showing up as their best. My therapist told me once I talked to'em about, whatever you want to call it, road rage. Mm-hmm. And he said, look, I get it too. Believe me, I get it. I'm, you're, I'm the therapist. He said, you don't know what someone is dealing with in their head. They could have just found out they got diagnosed with something, somebody died. You don't know. You really don't know. So why do you take it to that degree and let it affect you? It's like that guy disrespected me by cutting me off, or that guy disrespected me by giving me the finger. Did you hear about the guy walking his dog in? Yes. He was Toronto or north of Toronto.

Mike:

Yeah. That is bloody insane. And I thought about that. I'm like, okay, don't give the guy finger. It's not, it's not worth it. No's not worth it. Mm-hmm. You never know what somebody else is going through. There's too many crazy people. It's an opportunity for us to exercise. Right. Right. Look at it that way. Yeah. It's kind of like, it was Jamie that said that he exercises the most empathy for drunk people. Mm-hmm. because he wonders what kind of pain are they dealing with that they feel that they have to get that drunk. True. That's

Kelly:

right. So true. So true.

Tracey:

That was a great one to end on. There's still a couple points there because Yeah, like an one.

Kelly:

Forgiving ourselves. I think that's really a big step that I learned at g going to meetings, I would go to meetings and listen to other people's stories, and they were hoping that their family would forgive them for whatever happened. And, before any of that I think we need to forgive ourselves. I had to forgive myself for getting to that point. I talk about my girlfriend brought me to an AA meeting, my first AA meeting, and, and I sat there and I was so anxious and I could not believe I was there. I was just like, I cannot believe I got myself here, in a church basement at an AA meeting. I can't believe I've done this to myself. And then from that point, I had to forgive myself for getting myself to that point,

Mike:

You're judging yourself in that scenario when it's like, Maybe the spin is, and this is not for you, for other people that are maybe experiencing that thought, is maybe you're just going to meet some new people. Mm-hmm. And part of it is you're gonna hear a little bit of their vulnerability. Hmm. I mean, I don't know. I think that whole aa stigma, it's, that's a whole judgey. I think in some ways it's a whole judgey thing or label. Right. Right. really that bad, Right.

Kelly:

There's a stigma to, yeah. Stigma. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Then the very end of that just love and accept ourselves exactly as we are right now. And that had to happen as well because. I think we all need to do this, drinking or not. If we see it in society, it's like, oh, I'll be happy when, or I'll be happy when I quit drinking, or I'll be happy when

Mike:

I meet the right person.

Kelly:

Or I'll love myself when I meet the right person. I'll love myself when I make this much money. I'll love myself when have this ha or lose weight or whatever. All that bullshit. But it's gotta start now, in this moment. And, and that happened in the yoga room for me. I do believe I've told this story on the podcast before, but I looked at myself in the mirror in the yoga room when I first started there, and I had gained maybe 35, 40 pounds and I was just like, holy shit. Again, what have I done to myself? What have I done to myself? And would be at the back of the room. And then I made the decision to move myself to the front of the room, in front of the mirror and look at myself in the mirror every. Class at the end of class and say quiet in my head. thank you, I love you. And that was so fucking hard to do, but I did it every single day as a practice. And I think that's the key is you don't wait for something else to love yourself or somebody else to love you. It's gotta come from the inside. Well I think that's why it's so great you finished with that one, Kel, because I think those are all the things that are a constant work in progress for all of us. Mm-hmm. Totally. I think those are the things we've talked all of us on other episodes about forgiveness, self-forgiveness. Mm-hmm. how hard that is and how it's ongoing. The self-love it's an ongoing practice. So I think. Cool. And maybe you did it by design that you finished with that because it's like that's the ongoing, that will continue on and on and on and on. Probably in year six, year 10, you're 15 of sobriety. Right, right. You said it, we're never gonna get to perfect. No, I don't want to, that's not what we're trying, but that's too much pressure. I don't, no

Tracey:

You said too, if we can just get to a place where we love ourselves just in the moment mm-hmm. and in the way we are today, that in itself is perfection.

Kelly:

Peaceful peace. Yeah.

Mike:

Yeah. What is perfection? What is perfect And yeah. Who decides that? God perfectly imperfect. That's how I like to be.

Tracey:

Absolutely. I'll take it. Yeah. Jesus. Take the wheel.

Kelly:

Jesus, take the wheel. Hopefully nobody is offended by this Or anything else that we have said tonight, Oh my God,

Tracey:

Well that was awesome, Kel. Thanks for sharing that.

Mike:

What's wrong with you? Let me, what's run me?

Kelly:

Oh wow. That's a whole other episode,

Mike:

So, in part two of this episode, we're gonna go over exactly what's wrong with Kelly and we'll highlight a few of the major ones.

Kelly:

This will be a five hour episode.

Mike:

Yeah. Yeah. This is a week long series. Come back first, Mike. I'm teasing. Kelly, come on. You set yourself up, man. Telling you.

Kelly:

That's my vulnerability. Oh, that's good. That's good. That's good. Well, you are the elder in this group as far as sobriety goes, Kel. So. Well, thank you for sharing it. Super grateful.

Tracey:

Infinite wisdom with us.

Kelly:

Well, it just comes out well, thanks everybody so much for listening. You can find us on Instagram at the LAF Life Podcast. We have a Facebook community that we'll have the link to in the show notes if you wanna be a guest on our podcast or have any questions, comments, or topics, suggestions, just to reach out. So thank you guys, and thanks everybody. Keep laughing. Bye-bye

Mike:

Aios. Bye.

Kelly:

Thank you for listening. Please give us a five star rating like and subscribe, share on social media and tell your friends. We love getting your feedback and ideas of what you'd like to hear on upcoming episodes of the laugh life podcast. If you yourself are living alcohol free and want to share your story here, please reach out.

Mike:

Oh, I'm drawing a blank on a word. When you get to oh my God. Have perspective. No. Observe, no. Just make sure you cut this out. Tracy

Kelly:

me guessing me. Try to read Mike's mic.

Mike:

the word is starts with, yeah. I think it starts with r Reflect, reflect.

People on this episode

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Kelly Evans

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Lindsey Harik

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Mike Sutton

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Tracey Djordjevic

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