Drinking is not our Identity, Season 3 Ep. 6

Drinking is not our Identity! In this episode we explore what our identity is made up of and when we define ourselves we do not want societal labels to be part of self definition. We often allow societal labels to describe a part of who we are or mistake  activities we participate in be associated with who we are,  but we are human BEINGS not human DOINGS. This can be a slippery slope when it comes to drinking as we can attach our identity to labels like "the fun guy". These labels can keep us stuck in our fear, questioning "who am I going to be without alcohol"? The truth is when we are drinking we are not our authentic self we are an altered version of ourselves. In this discussion, we uncover so many things that make up our identity, which is way beyond the limiting labels society attaches to us. Don't limit yourself with labels we are so much more then the things we do. Who we are or want to be is limitless!

Recommended Reads:
The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle

Episode honorable mention RIP  Matthew Perry
Dr Daniel G. Amen on TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@docamen

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**Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this episode are not professional or medical opinions. If you are struggling with an addiction please contact a medical professional for help.

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Transcript

Kelly: 0:02

Welcome to the LAF life podcast, a lifestyle podcast based on living alcohol free and a booze soaked world. My name is Kelly Evans and together with my friends, Tracey Djordjevic, and Lindsay Harik. We share uncensored. Unscripted real conversations about what our lives have been like since we ditched alcohol and how we got here by sharing our individual stories. We'll show you that there isn't just one way to do this, no matter where you are on your journey from sober, curious to years in recovery and everyone in between, you are welcome here, no judgment and a ton of support.

Tracey: 0:42

Hello everyone and welcome back to the LAF Life Podcast. This is season three and tonight is episode six. Tonight we will be discussing drinking or not drinking. It is not your identity and it definitely does not define who we are. So girls, should we

Lindsey: 1:07

Hey,

Tracey: 1:08

should we start with the Drinking alcohol is not our identity or does not define us when we are drinking. We touched on this last episode, in the context of it being a fear about is not drinking going to change who we are? Is it going to change our personality? And I think that's what I'm leaning more towards, that people associate it with their personality.

Kelly: 1:36

Yeah, I definitely did. It was for sure part of my identity.

Lindsey: 1:42

I was going to say that I want to counter that because even just when you quit drinking or you're out and about people say, I'm a drinker, right? Or, I'm sober, or I'm a non drinker. These are all identity labels. They're labels, right? Labels and statements, yeah. Sober, alcoholic, drinker, non drinker. And I think when people are saying I'm a drinker think about that, because I feel like that would influence the people that you hang around with. the kind of things that you're doing. If you're somebody who's a drinker, you're going to be out at the bars, you're going to be at clubs, you're going to be out at pubs, places where they serve alcohol.

Kelly: 2:21

I wasn't at bars and pubs and clubs, but I was not hanging around with people who didn't drink like me. I only wanted to be with people who drank like I did.

Lindsey: 2:29

So doesn't that then. Become or have an influence on who you are.

Kelly: 2:35

Yes. A hundred percent.

Tracey: 2:37

I think it has an influence on who we are. Or who we think we are. Exactly. I think it's false. Yeah. Yeah. It's a false sense of identity. Yes.

Lindsey: 2:51

We're non drinkers, right? That's the whole premise of our podcast is we are living alcohol free. So we identify as that.

Kelly: 3:00

That's why I don't like that word sober. I don't like the word sober cause it's a label and people have different, variations of sober. And I think that's okay. All right, this podcast is about living alcohol free and I had no identity without alcohol and I was so scared I've mentioned it before on the podcast like I reluctantly quit I was not convinced that my life could be any better without alcohol because it was so much a part of everything.

Tracey: 3:27

I wanted to go back to what Lindsay said there for a minute, because she said that. We identify as, but we don't identify as, we identify with living alcohol free. BeCause it's a choice. When somebody says, yeah. It's a decision. Yeah, I don't drink. And a choice, yeah. I don't drink. And a decision is not who you are. Yeah.

Kelly: 3:51

I don't say I am this or I am that. It's my behavior, is that what you're saying, Trace?

Tracey: 3:57

Yeah. It's in your actions, right? For me, if I wanted someone to define me by my actions, I wouldn't want them to define me because I drank. I'd want them to define me for the characteristics that I possess,, that's just my view of it. That's my opinion. And I'm saying that because I wouldn't want people trying to stop drinking to attach their identity to that because it will keep them stuck in their fear of what and who they're going to be without it.

Kelly: 4:32

We talked about this like early, early on in the podcast. I think it's come up a few times about having somebody else in your life that was identifying as an alcoholic. Most. Times it's a parent that was coming up and how, spending your whole life, not wanting to be that label and then giving yourself that label, like how difficult is that?

Tracey: 4:56

That's the other reason why I think it's really important that we're changing the narrative on that because that's the problem is if we keep that narrative. We're feeding into those labeling systems, right? I don't identify with being an alcoholic. I also don't want to be labeled as that. And that's part of disassociating myself with it.

Kelly: 5:20

Saying I am this because you had something you dealt with something you dealt with maybe an addiction for me it was an addiction. I was addicted to that substance. But if I had. Okay, so I had Graves disease before I never said I am Graves disease.

Tracey: 5:38

Exactly. Exactly. Or I am cancer. Exactly. Yeah. So why do people say I'm an addict? Is that who you are?

Lindsey: 5:49

Yes or no?

Tracey: 5:50

It's an experience of what you have lived.

Lindsey: 5:54

I think it can be who you are. You have the ability to change that if somebody said to me, you're a non drinker, I would say yes, I am, and I don't have an issue with being labeled that I'm somebody that doesn't consume alcohol. I don't drink. So I don't have an issue with it. And when I did drink, I'm a social drinker. We hear that all the time when people define the relationship with alcohol. When I say I don't drink, people are like, Oh, I'm a social drinker. And I'm like, okay, but as opposed to what it's almost like lightning. The label by putting the word social in front of it, because then it's it's not that bad. It's, not that often. Whereas there's compared to what a heavy drinker and every day drinker. Yeah. It's I don't know.

Kelly: 6:44

These are all labels. Yeah. They are all labels. Interesting.

Tracey: 6:49

Yeah. But it's interesting. Don't you think that you're okay to be associated with the positive labels? Yeah. But not the negative, right? And that's the thing, they all go together. Yeah, if you're a drinker, you're a drinker, you're a social drinker, you can be a binge drinker, alcoholic, right? Like all of those are gonna be combined just as being someone who's living alcohol free, being a non drinker. I don't drink. I'm not a drinker. Like all those things get combined together. I'm sober. So it's like you can't have one on the flip side because you think it's okay because it's positive and then not be okay with the negative. That's where the labeling becomes unfair and not correct and not a way that I would want to be identified. Again even though I had what I consider an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. That's not how I want to be identified. Or defined. I remember some to overcome that, right?

Kelly: 7:59

I remember somebody close to me when I said I had to quit drinking. She was like, so you think you're an alcoholic? She's like under her breath. Like it's that whole,

Tracey: 8:10

and that's the thing though it keeps us in our shame. Yes. If you have people relating you to that or attaching you to that. That's what I'm saying. It's something we're getting attached to then and that's where it becomes not right, in my opinion. because I don't think that's something we should have to carry with us through our whole lives when we've made a decision to change and a choice to change. And although it's part of our journey and part of our story, I don't think inevitably that's what defines us. On your gravestone, is it going to say, I am an alcoholic, or or I am sober, it's not going to say that, right?

Lindsey: 8:58

Yeah, it's also not going to say I'm a gym goer, do you know what I mean? I'm a spin biker, but those are things that I am. Those are activities I participate in that people would identify me. With those things. And okay, take dating,

Kelly: 9:15

but you're someone who does that activity. That's who you are, but

Lindsey: 9:22

it's me who I am. Like when I'm doing my spin class and I go to the gym, those things are who I am.

Kelly: 9:31

I am someone who does spin, right? But you're not, you're describing like an activity that you do, not who you are as a person.

Lindsey: 9:40

But I guess that's your opinion, because for me, I am a spinner. I am a gym goer, right? And I wouldn't have an issue with somebody saying to me that's who you are, because it is. But here's the thing on dating apps, I was going to say this they make You can say alcohol. They make you identify the level that you're at never, sometimes, they do that with cigarettes, they do that with kids, so it's alright you're a parent. People are like I'm not just a mom. No, you're not, but it is part of who you are. The things that you do in your life make you who you are. You have the ability to change and you have the ability to make different choices. And I think the key is how do you feel? About who you are and what you're doing in your life, because if you feel conflicted if you are drinking alcohol, you feel like it's causing a problem, and you keep going back to it then you can make the decision. Or work towards not drinking, and living an alcohol free life, and becoming somebody who doesn't drink. I think those things do, at the end of the day, make you who you are, in a way. I don't know. That's my opinion.

Tracey: 10:51

I think it's interesting, because even how you said it was an activity, Linds, when you mentioned spinning. You said it as an activity, so to me... That isn't part of who you are. That's an activity you're doing. It's an action that you're doing, right? Like exactly what Kelly was saying, I was having that same thought about it, but even in the way you said it to us. You explained it as an activity, this is what I love about this because we get in debates and we all have our own perspectives. But absolutely. I think going back to mom I am a mom. That's a fact. But I don't think that's who I am. It's part of, A decision I made in my life to become a parent and have a child, but I don't think that's my identity.

Lindsey: 11:45

So what is your identity then? What would be your identity if you were to describe?

Tracey: 11:50

To me, it's what makes up your core values. The core of your being, your values. Your morals who you are as a person. Yeah, I would agree with that. I think that can be in conflict though because I'm thinking back to who I was when I was drinking, right? And I didn't want to be the person that I was when I was drinking. I valued health. I valued wellness. I wanted to have peace. I wanted to have a sense of positive self esteem, self love. And when I was drinking, when I was a drinker, it was the total opposite. I was consuming this substance that made me feel like absolute garbage, so it's who I identified as and what I did as the activity. I was a drinker. Those were in conflict. It didn't align. So that's what I'm saying. Would you want

Kelly: 12:49

You were just participating in an activity when you were drinking. Would you want the drinking to then be the thing defining you,

Tracey: 12:57

but people went against what you believe was your core being people did that. That's the thing. People did see me over consuming alcohol. And I think even if they didn't say it to my face, they would be like, she's a binge drinker, because that's a fact.

Kelly: 13:15

From the spiritual perspective, there's a difference between being and doing. I think what we're talking about is what we've been doing or what we were doing when we were drinking and what we're doing as somebody who isn't drinking anymore, but our being has never changed.

Tracey: 13:34

So I want to bring up something to from a medical perspective. Okay. And if we're going on What I was alluding to, the decision making factor or the choice making factor. So I was listening to a podcast the other day with a famous brain doctor and you guys have probably heard of him or seen him on TikTok because he's all over the place, but his name's Dr. Daniel Amen. And he was saying how when we drink alcohol, it actually shuts down the decision making part of our brain. So that's why when we drink alcohol, we make poor decisions, because we actually don't really have the ability to make decisions, because that part of our brain is shut down. Scary. So if we were saying our identity had anything to do with making decisions or choices. The fact is that then our identity wouldn't be able to exist while we're drinking because we don't have the ability to make decisions.

Kelly: 14:34

So we don't have the ability to make decisions based on who we are or core values

Tracey: 14:40

based on what alcohol does to our brain. When we're drinking, so I'm saying if we're attaching the decisions and choices we make to who we are, when we were drinking, we couldn't attach that to our identity because we weren't able to make decisions. If that makes any sense, not making that as an excuse for things we did or decisions we made while we were drinking, but that is an actual effect of how alcohol affects our brain. It's an actual medical fact. Absolutely. So I might not be explaining that great as far as the decision and choices go.

Lindsey: 15:17

I think I get it though

Tracey: 15:19

that was my line of thought if we're basing our identity on decisions we're making, because drinking is a choice or not. Yes. if we're attaching that decision to our identity, when we're drinking, we can't make decisions. Do you see where the conflict is? I think it depends on how you view it, because some people would say it's not a decision, it's a disease. Some people will have that other flip side saying, somebody who is actually addicted to a substance, like you said, they don't have the ability to make the decision, but I think you're talking about decisions being made while drinking, it shuts the ability off. Your brain can't process and make decisions but there are people, and I've heard this argument that it's, their substance abuse or consumption of isn't a decision it's a disease.

Kelly: 16:08

I don't think anybody chooses to be an addict, right? I don't think anybody chooses to get addicted to any substance. And I think there's a lot of judgment around that, when we see there's a big drug problem here where we live. Yes. There's lots of judgment and well they could go get a job and they could go do that. But no, that's so wrong. In my opinion, to think that they made a choice to be homeless.

Tracey: 16:34

But speaking about that and thinking about that, if it shuts down our decision making ability, drinking, or I'm sure drugs do the same, I would assume, then that could explain why it's so hard for us to stop too, and make the decision to stop. So is that part of what it's affecting? Maybe it's affecting people's decision making ability to make the choice or decision to stop.

Lindsey: 17:00

Interesting. Yeah, I can see it. I'm trying to put myself in my, in the shoes that I'm literally like a wine, one bottle of wine in. And that's when I should stop. I probably should have stopped after one glass, but it's like. I didn't want to and I'm sure part of it is that decision making the ability to think logically is shut off, but I think it's literally I don't know, it's all the chemical stuff going on in your brain that makes you want those dopamine hits and, yeah. But poor judgment too. Oh, yeah. 100%. That's part of decision making is if you're lacking it, you're having poor judgment in the moment, and poor judgment is the, okay, I'm going to keep drinking. Because Even though I probably know I shouldn't, should stop at two, but it's feeling so good. I'm just going to keep going

Kelly: 18:00

no matter what's happening the next day. Like I had a flashback memory this weekend, for my job that I've had for almost 20 years. I've, I used to do tons and tons of vendor events, go and do trade shows and bigger events, smaller events, whatever I would do anything when I was building my business. But I went with my new business to a vendor event this weekend and it brought back all kinds of memories of like packing things up and getting ready and, that whole excitement of not knowing what you're showing up to, cause they're always different. But I was driving there in the morning and thinking how hung over I used to be at all those events. Like just dragging my ass to those things and there was one event like I have a lot of shame around this because I still had a lot of integrity when I was working, I was somehow able to keep the integrity until I guess towards the end of the drinking career and I remember calling them and saying I can't come to an event at the morning of. Because the night before I was just so much fun, like I couldn't stop drinking. I just drank my face off and, yeah, like Trace said, at that point that I had no decision making skills, I never played it forward. Yeah. Yeah.

Tracey: 19:13

Yeah, I definitely think that it robs you of that, right? Yeah. So yeah, I've many of things, but that being one of them. And I think as your drinking progress, that stuff gets worse. Yes, it did for me for sure. So I think as my drinking progress, if I look back on the decisions I was making, I was like, what was I thinking? Like I wasn't though.

Kelly: 19:38

No that's We weren't, you're not. That's right. We were not thinking. Yeah.

Tracey: 19:42

So it's like that's where you have to give yourself some forgiveness and again. Not that I'm trying to excuse it. It was still part of our behavior at the time, so you have to accept that and, find ways to move on from it. But it's hard. It's hard. It's really hard because all of us have said we don't feel that is the core of our being the people we were when we were I knew it or the influence.

Kelly: 20:11

I absolutely deep down. We knew. Yeah. Yeah. And yeah, that whole thing like just thinking about what I knew what my gut knew and my intuition knew like that's so much of why I was drinking to I knew I wasn't where I was supposed to be in life,

Lindsey: 20:29

doing those vendor events. though so if you were drinking and you had that many drinks that you were so hung over that you couldn't even go were you drinking alone. Or were you around other people who were doing the same thing?

Kelly: 20:42

Oh, I think for that one in particular, we were with people, like we were with friends and stuff like that. But there was times for sure that I drank alone before them too. Yeah, on like a Friday night if the event was on a Saturday. And did the people you were with? Did they go to the event the next day? No, they were probably in bed all day. But the other thing is we were talking about this tonight when Tracey suggested this topic as an episode. Dan and I were talking about not wanting to be around people who didn't drink like us. and things like that. And then I was talking about how we used to have lots of work conference or we still have work conferences, but I used to go to a lot of work conferences and drink a lot. And then when I first quit drinking, I didn't go to some just cause I felt a little shaky, being in that environment where I did drink so much. And so then I did go and, people are very Curious and some people will outwardly say at the beginning are you okay around alcohol or can I bring alcohol to this event? And I find that very kind and very respectful. But I learned that some people were too shy or didn't know how to say it. So I would bring it up. So before this. conference in particular. I said I don't care if you guys drink in front of me. I'll be fine. I won't do the drinking in my room. My room was always the party room. We won't do it in my room. I'll just leave if I don't feel comfortable, but I don't want you guys to change anything. Like just do what you're going to do. So then I get there and we're, sitting around chatting. Half the people aren't even drinking. And nobody's drinking like I was like, it was me, it was, I was the one I was applying all the booze and it was my room that we were drinking in, so it's just from the other side of it, looking back, I was so delusional as to I thought everybody was drinking like me and

Tracey: 22:36

you were kind of like the instigator in that situation. I was. Not you're like

Lindsey: 22:41

I was. I feel like that was me too.

Tracey: 22:45

It's like misery loves company. Yeah. Drinkers like company.

Kelly: 22:49

Yes. A lot, but I didn't see that at the time. I thought everybody drank like that.

Lindsey: 22:55

But that's the thing too even us when we were drinking identified other people as drinkers. You said Kelly We didn't want to be around people who didn't drink like us.

Kelly: 23:05

But I didn't consciously do that. But you're subconsciously doing it. We all are. Yeah. That's the point. Yeah. I wasn't like, I don't want to hang out with them. They don't drink. I would never have said that out loud about anybody. Nobody would. Yeah. Yeah.

Lindsey: 23:19

I think we all do this identity thing. Subconsciously you knew I don't want to be around people who aren't going to drink like I do. Meaning to excess because I did that too when I was still drinking. It's okay I know the people here aren't going to be wanting to drink, maybe more than one or two. And it's I'm going to have a bottle of wine. So who else can I hang out with? Oh yeah, this one friend I'll call up and she'll come over and we're just going to get hammered at my house. You always knew who to call. Yep. Yep. For sure. I wanted to go back to what you said though, Kel, and we all talked about knowing inside that's not what you wanted. That wasn't you, or that wasn't feeling like you. Not the authentic me. So to me, that wasn't your identity, even the inside of you was telling you that. That was your being. I was just telling it to be quiet with the wine.

Tracey: 24:15

Exactly.

Kelly: 24:19

So do you guys think that the majority of the people that are struggling with alcohol right now are trying to quiet something within them?

Lindsey: 24:27

Yes. I think they're trying to cope. I think they're trying to quiet things, live in a reality that isn't aligned with who they want to be. Or you're lying to yourself. Or you're in this uncomfortable space or you're trying to force something. You're trying to put a square peg in a round hole and it's not working. So you're like I'm going to drink because I'm not comfortable. It's almost you know what you need to do too but you don't want to, or you're too scared to, so you're

Kelly: 24:54

scared of the change. Like we were talking, was it last episode, the fear, it's the fear, it's loud, that fear. It's putting on a facade right? Yes, it's not living your truth.

Tracey: 25:07

Yeah, it's putting on a facade in many ways and for some people it's that going back to identifying or you creating it as your identity. If you think about the person that's always the party person, always the fun person, always the funny person. Mike used to talk about this, right? He was that guy. When he drank, so people attach that to their identity,

Kelly: 25:33

And then there's the fear of okay, but if I stop drinking, then I'm not, yeah, I'm not going to be that person anymore. Yeah. It's a fear of the unknown. Who am I going to be without alcohol? That was so much of it for me.

Tracey: 25:48

And that's why I feel like we have to detach ourselves from that identity piece.

Lindsey: 25:54

It's like somebody saying I'm a vegan, I'm a vegetarian. It's okay, I'm a drinker. I'm a non drinker. These are all things that people use to identify themselves and the behaviors they're participating in. So someone who says I'm a vegetarian, they're not a plant but it's part of who they are. It's how they eat. It's how they choose to live their life.

Kelly: 26:18

So here's a little activity if you think about anything in life, like if you want to know if you're attached to something, if you want to know if you're attached to an identity, think about if somebody took that thing away, if that makes you feel uncomfortable, there's an attachment. I know. I know. Oh my God. So I had a friend say to me once, she said, is there, that was maybe around a year without alcohol. And she said, is there anything that you think would jeopardize? Your sobriety and I said if I couldn't come to the yoga studio every day because that was scary for me That's what I felt. I was attached to that. I was attached to that that is what I thought was keeping me Sober or away from alcohol and so that was before COVID and then COVID happened and everything closed Whoa, and I still didn't drink so I was wrong. it goes back to the decision Was keeping you sober was the decision not to drink every day, right? It wasn't the yoga. Yoga was a replacement activity that was helping you in your sobriety. But it was an attachment because I thought I wouldn't be okay without it. Absolutely. You became dependent on it. Yeah. And you probably had those fears that if you didn't have that. Yeah, because of the attachment, like you said, because you started attaching yourself to it.

Lindsey: 27:55

I think it's important with the yoga and stuff it was a way for you to develop a new healthy habit and a way for you to build up your self esteem and your self confidence in yourself because we can't Thank Motivate ourselves and build up our self confidence and feelings of self love by screaming I don't know, affirmations in a mirror every day. I'm sorry that doesn't work.

Kelly: 28:19

I probably tried that at some point too. I don't know.

Lindsey: 28:20

I feel like I did too. But it's like what you need to change is evidence of who you are. Yes. So you're somebody that does yoga and you are fit and you take care of your health and you make the decision to show up for yourself in that manner. And As the evidence builds, that sort of becomes where you can build your self confidence off of, is, and that's what people see, right? So what you're describing, I have seen it as, I had a lack of trust for myself. I described that and I offended a few people that told me in person. I described my feelings of my friend taking me to a 12 step meeting and sitting in the basement of a church and being like, holy shit, this is where I got myself. And that was such a turning point for me. But then after that, so the next steps were steps forward away from the alcohol, but there was such a lack of trust in myself, the fact that I got myself to that position, I did not trust myself anymore. So all of these routines and it wasn't just going to yoga every day I was waking up at the exact same time every day I was making my bed every day I still make my bed. I was eating the exact same things every day I was. Journaling at the same time every day, like it was so regimented, and I needed that because I had to learn how to trust myself again. And then when the one thing that I thought was the biggest thing that was keeping me safe and away from alcohol was taken away from me, and I was still okay, then there was evidence. Exactly. You already had the evidence. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

Kelly: 30:01

It was like, no, I don't need every single little thing. It's me. It's my being that's making this decision every day to not drink. And that is the number one thing is just don't drink. Don't drink today.

Lindsey: 30:14

What do you think would have happened if you were new in your sobriety and then COVID happened and the yoga studio shut down and you couldn't go? I don't know. I was pretty determined to never drink again. So I hopefully would have found another way.

Tracey: 30:28

So maybe the evidence is what is our identity. Say more about that. Lindsay was saying, you're building that evidence. To me, you're building your identity.

Kelly: 30:42

Yeah, when I was drinking, I mentioned I had integrity in my business, but I didn't have any integrity with myself because I was abusing myself daily. So yeah, to come back from that, I see it as a building of trust with yourself. And then all kinds of things come after that, but yeah, like having faith that you're on the right path. That's a big thing for me.

Tracey: 31:04

But the trust in yourself or building that Kel that is part of your identity. Trust in self is to me part of your identity. Not that you drink or not. Yeah. On the flip side, let's talk about when you're not drinking, and also not attaching yourself to that being your identity, whether it be attaching yourself to, I'm sober, or, yeah, I had a drinking problem.

Lindsey: 31:34

I'm on the wagon. I'm on the wagon. I'm a teetotaler. I'm sober. I'm non alcoholic.

Kelly: 31:40

I remember a friend of mine, her mom just never drank alcohol. There are people that have just never had alcohol in their life and she would just be like, I don't drink. And it was so simple. And then everybody, I just remember at the beginning wanting to just, I just want to be like that. I don't want to explain anybody anything. And now here we are in this podcast. I share it on social media and all of that jazz, I do feel like I have I hope that people will just be like, Oh yeah, she doesn't drink. That's different because you're. Doing that as a service to others. Oh, I know. I'm joking about that part. I'm saying my friend's mom, that's not part of her identity. Her not drinking alcohol is not part of her identity. So I just wanted to get to that place and not be just like a spotlight on me about alcohol.

Tracey: 32:33

My point in the serving others though, Kel, was Serving others is part of your being.

Kelly: 32:40

Absolutely. I know my purpose on this earth is very clear, and that's, I'm only here to love and I'm only here to serve. That's it. Period. This is not where I thought this was gonna go. This is really good.

Lindsey: 32:54

I think it's good. I think, honestly, I think having different opinions about things is what makes the conversation interesting. I was listening to a podcast this morning, and you really have to be careful about the people that you hang around with and the people that you get advice from because, when you're doing the same things as everybody else even just take it as a drinking alcohol thing nobody really wants to see you not drinking or Getting better. You got to be careful who you take your advice from because you could even say to those people, I'm thinking of quitting drinking, but they're going to want you to stay like with them, right? Because they have their own fears and their own insecurities about what it would be like for them to not drink. Talking about identity, I think, When you say be careful, tell me more about that. What do you mean be careful? Understand that the people that you surround yourself with, whether it's your family, your friends, you tend to hang out with people who are doing the same things as you, or living the same way that you're living. So if you recognize that you're like, hey, I'm starting to feel like. I want something different or more and the people around you are telling you or you're expressing something and people around you are telling you like how hard it's going to be not to drink and how you're not going to fit in anymore or you can't really. Listen to that, you have to be willing to, realize that those people, like I said, have their own fears associated with what you want to be doing, so they're going to advise you based on how they feel, right? And if they think that they could or couldn't do something, when I went through my divorce, I was like, I think I need to get a roommate. I've never had one and my family was like hell no. That's a horrible idea. All these people out there are nuts You're gonna end up with somebody who's gonna party and smoke in your house and all this stuff But it's like they were they would be scared about that themselves if they were to do it, right? Not knowing like the circumstance that I was in and how I was feeling. I just think you have to be mindful of that

Kelly: 34:59

Yeah, don't be afraid to go against what everybody else, or what seems like everybody else. It's not everybody, but yeah, don't be afraid to go against it and don't be afraid to end relationships.

Lindsey: 35:10

Even with the people who are really close to you, like family, right? They want the best for you, and they're gonna advise you and talk to you about true. They're gonna, advise you based on their own experiences and their own thoughts and opinions.

Kelly: 35:24

And their own fears. And their own fears. Yeah. Yeah. And that's another. Reason to tune into your own intuition. Yes. How many times have we said on this podcast, like that little voice, our intuition, our knowing it's never wrong. So don't let the outside world get so loud, tune into yourself because you always know.

Tracey: 35:45

I was going to say the same thing. That's where we have to trust our own instincts and not be influenced by others. And not let those. Influences, and people telling us that they think we should do a certain thing. We gotta do what feels right for us. I like that even if what you just said, Tracey, not being influenced by others instead of identifying as a drinker or non drinker, you're just not influenced by others. I think that's part of why people drink too, right? Because everybody else is doing it? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Oh, I forgot to tell you guys this because it was a couple weeks ago and we've recorded since then, but my 17 year old was like, yeah, if people just knew how bad alcohol was for them, they just wouldn't do it. It was like so simple from a 17 year old. So maybe he'll be a non drinker too. I don't know. But I had a funny thing with Maddie too. Speaking of that, my daughter she went to one of the first dances in high school and she told me, she came home and right away, she told me there was people drinking and smoking up in the bathroom. Yeah. And that girls had booze hidden in their dresses and stuff. And I asked her, did you try it? And she was like, no, she's hell no. She's mom. I don't even know why people do it. Then they're puking. She goes, you know how much I hate puking. She's so you know I'm not likely to do anything that's going to make me puke. She's and then they're all going to come to school tomorrow and feel bad. She was like, forget it. And I was like

Kelly: 37:15

what I like about that conversation trace, I don't know if this was how smooth it was, but how you were just like, did you try it? Yeah, no, I did. Because I think that's so important for them to know. Yeah, it's okay if you try it. But yeah, all that's great. And that's what I've said to her. I've said, you're gonna be curious. That's our nature, right? So you're going to be curious. That's understandable. So if you try it, don't be afraid to tell me. It's natural. Everybody does it, but you have to make the decision and my mom and I were having this conversation with her and my mom said this to her, which I liked. She said, Maddie, you can make your own decisions. About what you want to do and what you don't want to do.

Lindsey: 37:55

Wouldn't it wasn't natural though? Like doing crack isn't natural, right? Like, why is, oh, trying alcohol a natural phase and step in life? Yeah, I think

Kelly: 38:06

it's, gonna, I think there's gonna be. Kids, like maybe Maddie will never drink, the younger generations coming up. I really feel like that's a possibility that some of them, it won't be a natural thing. It won't be like everybody else is doing it. It won't be that way. I hope so. I think it's going that way. I see my kids, like my two younger ones leaning way far away from it. Wow. Yeah.

Tracey: 38:31

I think sadly, and obviously there's still a lot of people doing it. What just happened at my daughter's school, right? I definitely think that there's more kids leaning towards not doing it, which is great. We're definitely making progress, I think. Yeah. I did remember a thought I was having earlier.

Kelly: 38:49

Oh, yes. Welcome back. Yes. Yes, I did. Going back to the serving others, like when I think about identity I think this is an easy way to ask people how do you want to be remembered in this life or going back to the gravestone point? I was trying to make earlier and if you think of someone that just passed recently Matthew Perry Yeah like he said He knows that he's gonna be remembered for friends because people attach that to his identity and that's not what he wants to be remembered for he wants to be remembered for how he tried to serve in his sobriety and Helping other people. So I think if you look at it that way, that should tell you what you want your identity to be and what you want it to be built on, not attached to. I have a question. Yeah, that's good.

Lindsey: 39:43

So then when we're talking about identity, because you said, Matthew Perry, doesn't want to be identified or remembered that's the guy from Friends. So my question for both of you then is, do you think that we get to choose our identity? Or do other people choose our identities for us? Because he can say, I want to be remembered for this, but I'm always going to remember him as the guy from Friends.

Kelly: 40:08

I think why I'm here is to understand why I'm here. So I luckily figured that out, not everybody does, like I understand what my purpose is and that's how I choose to live. So being in alignment with that every single day, waking up and making the choice to love and serve in everything that I do or try to anyway, sometimes when I'm driving, it's hard. Jesus, take the wheel, but I don't get to decide what other people see. The only thing I get to decide is how I live. Yes, I agree. And the impact that I want to make and how I choose to serve and how other people perceive that or receive that or whoever crosses my path, that's not up to me. I think there's a higher power at work. I don't think there's any accidents who crosses our paths. I think many in my life have been tests and lessons. Yes. And everything is temporary. Everything is temporary. We're always in flow. We're always moving, flowing, evolving.

Tracey: 41:24

You can't control how people perceive you, right? Because perception is individual. Exactly. That's good. And people also get attached to these labels. So they will inevitably attach a label to you, regardless of however you live. But I agree with Kelly, you have to be comfortable with who you are and how you're living. And in that way, every day you get to choose your identity. By doing that, this is interesting. actually, Kel that you brought this up because I had a very interesting situation happened to me today at work. So we had this really incredible leadership training for work the last 3 days with the well renowned guy who works with Olympic athletes. I'm professional athletes. He's been a very inspirational, amazing trainer doing this leadership training. So we had, I don't know if you guys are familiar with this, but you probably maybe are in your industry, but we had I think they call it like a 360 view where your peers basically tell you or rate you in certain categories. It was very interesting to see the perception of some people it just reinforced the fact to me that I need to be strong and comfortable in who I know I am. And going back to not letting other people influence you, not letting other people's perception influence you either. Part of what came out of that too was the fact that I realized that how I'm perceived at work could be very different than how I'm perceived by my close friends or family. It's a matter of an individual opinion and people's experience with you. Yeah, for sure. Their experience with you will influence what they decide to perceive you as what they decide to label you with.

Lindsey: 43:21

It's so subjective, because it all depends on the other person's experience, their life experience, their thoughts, emotions, and all that, right? What they believe, yeah, so you could be the same person and other people can identify you differently, even though you have a definition of what your identity is. It could be different.

Kelly: 43:42

For sure. That's interesting. Because that's where they're at on their journey. Yeah, exactly. The way they perceive things and the way they interact with other people.

Tracey: 43:51

I was just going to say it can be the mirroring too. Yeah, there's times where people are trying to mirror something, or there's times too where people can what's that word? Where they're projecting. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly to your point, Kel, it's where they are in their life or their journey too. Sometimes it can be even what they're feeling in the moment. If they're going through something and they're feeling more insecure or whatever at that time, they're gonna perceive you or that particular situation in a totally different way than if they were feeling comfortable themselves,,

Kelly: 44:33

yeah. You never know where somebody's at. They could be having the worst day of their life. Absolutely. Yeah.

Tracey: 44:39

That's where all these fears and where people are also influence their reaction to us drinking or not drinking. Yes. The comfortability level they feel with it. It's directly related. Yeah. Yeah, I think whenever there's a, what we might perceive to be somebody acting or speaking negatively towards us. It's a reflection of where they're at. I always have trouble with that.

Kelly: 45:08

that around dating, too, right? The triggers that buzzword triggers. If we can make that into an opportunity for us to see, like, why? Why did that make me feel that way?

Lindsey: 45:19

Be curious about it. Be curious, yeah. I had that today, Kel, so I got to dig deep into that.

Kelly: 45:26

Yeah, with that activity.

Tracey: 45:27

I definitely had some triggers popping up on this activity. But I think it was, I think it was the individuals. Yeah, who it came from? Yes yeah. There's already triggers there to begin with. That's so hard. Yeah. I'm sure it doesn't feel like it right now, but there's probably some real gifts in that stuff. Oh, absolutely. That's making you uncomfortable. Yeah. Yeah. I definitely felt it was. a teaching moment. For sure. A hundred percent. That's why I actually, came home and felt like I had to have some quiet time and then I felt like I gotta dig deeper into that.

Lindsey: 46:06

I love that. I love that you knew that what you needed. And you didn't come home and pour a glass of wine,

Kelly: 46:10

yay. No. No. Okay. I didn't go on my phone. I didn't turn on the tv. I love you. Actually. That's amazing. Actually sat in silence, I sat quiet. Yes. Yeah, did you cry?

Tracey: 46:23

I felt like on the brink of tears all day. It's so weird. Yeah. Yeah. And then you need that release, but I felt like it couldn't come out. I was feeling a little stuck with that. I felt on the verge of tears, but I didn't feel like I could let it out. I don't know why. I wasn't in a moment I could let it out at work anyways. But even when I came home, I didn't really feel. No, I didn't get that release. You can cry right now. I need another session with Eva. Yeah, come for Reiki. She brought out the tears. Oh, yeah. That's good. Very cleansing. Yeah. Don't be afraid. Whenever people come for Reiki, I'm like, there's Kleenex here. And then there's going to be Kleenex down there. And I will pass you a Kleenex. Just let it go. Just let it go. Stuck a Kleenex in your sleeve. Crying is good. Oh my gosh, this is amazing guys. I think this was a really great conversation I think it was such a good convo it went in a lot of different directions. I didn't expect either. I know. I have a, I have a closing question. Okay.

Kelly: 47:37

And then I see some, I see like curiosity bubbling. I love it.

Lindsey: 47:42

I have a curious question for each of you. So Kelly, I want to start with you. If this was your last day on earth and you now have a tombstone how would you want people to identify you? How do you identify? I guess it's a better way to say it.

Kelly: 47:58

I just don't know if this is too personal to share on a podcast, but I know exactly what I want it to say on my tombstone.

Lindsey: 48:04

No, you don't. You know exactly what you want it to say. Are you serious right now? Do you want to share it with us? I want to share it with you guys, but I don't know if I want to share it on the podcast. Wow. Wow. I'm shocked right now. Really? That answer really has me like, holy shit.

Kelly: 48:21

I feel like you're so full of curiosity right now that this is gonna catapult you into this new journey of spirituality and Self discovery and I'm excited for you. I can see it in you.

Lindsey: 48:33

Thank you. You're welcome. Do I still have to answer that question? I guess I want to know is how would you describe your identity? How do you want to be remembered? If you were to describe an identity, just because that was our topic who are you? How would you want people to remember you? Free spirited, perfectly imperfect. Sparkly. That's you, Lindsay. No, that's you. Yeah. I love it. Yeah. I think that's perfect. Yeah. I loved the people I love and even the people that I don't even know I love, just lots of love. That is Kelly. A hundred percent. I love that.

Kelly: 49:19

Thanks.

Lindsey: 49:21

You're welcome. Tracey, how do you want to be remembered?

Tracey: 49:25

Yeah. I'd want to be remembered as someone who really wanted to live life through experience. And someone who inspired people leading by example, by the way I lived. I love that. I always want people to feel like I'm giving good energy out to the world. I'm very conscious of that and that's. That's hopefully what I leave with people. I love that. What about you, Linz? Kel going back to what you were saying about Linz, I agree. I think she's going to have a moment after this episode where she redefines who she is because she's going to do it without attaching it. To something like an activity,

Kelly: 50:07

right? Yeah.

Lindsey: 50:09

Why am I attaching myself to activities? You guys like, Oh, no, that's

Kelly: 50:13

but you're living a beautiful life. Lindsay, there's nothing wrong with that. But you're more, you are more than the doing. You're a being you're a human. I'm not a human doing. I'm a human being. You're not a human doing. I had somebody tell me to put me in check. He was like, you're not even a human. This was before I quit drinking, but he's you're a human doing. Cause that's all I was doing achieving. Do this, do that. Yeah.

Tracey: 50:39

Okay. But Lindsay was good. She said, she's going to dig into it. And she said, going back to what you said right there, Kel was that she might be attaching it to accomplishment.

Kelly: 50:51

That's a good self reflection. Read eckhart Tolle. Yes, I actually have that book downloaded on Audible. Oh, which one? The Power of Now? That's the one. Yeah, I think this is a perfect time for you to start listening to that.

Lindsey: 51:05

Yep, that's the one. I think for me, I want to just be remembered as somebody who shows up for herself and does the hard things, while being uncertain and scared and doing the hard things even when I didn't want to. That's good, Linds. Something like that. That's very good. Something like that. Something like that. And that is beautiful. And also, in, did you see Lindsay's story the other day, when, where did you go to a haunted house? And they were in the parking lot. And I actually don't usually listen to stories, but for some reason I put the volume on. They weren't even at the thing yet. And she goes, babe, I'm scared. They were in the parking lot. All you could see was cars. She's I'm scared. And I was. I was. Oh my god. Yeah, it was like a haunted terror on 12. Drive out. Side of the city and it's like you're driving on a black highway and then you pull,

Kelly: 52:04

Your pictures were still cute. Of course. Yeah. Thanks. And you pushed past that fear. Yes. Just like in your life. For sure. Sorry. I didn't wanna ruin Lindsay's moment there, but I just thought of that when you said you, I do. It scared. Like even driving through a parking lot,

Lindsey: 52:20

I do. It scared even going to a haunted house that I feel like I might pee myself. I didn't thank God. But yeah, I was scared, but I'm glad I did. After it was done, I was like, this was an awesome experience.

Tracey: 52:33

Yeah, just like quitting drinking. It's an awesome experience. Don't be scared.

Lindsey: 52:37

10 out of 10. Would recommend. Would definitely recommend. Would definitely recommend. Everybody, that's a wrap on today's episode. Don't forget to follow our show so that you don't miss any new episodes. We drop new episodes every Tuesday at the LAF Life Podcast, and you can find us anywhere you get your podcasts. Follow us on Instagram at LAF Life Podcast. And check out our new website, laughlifepodcast. com. Until next time, keep laughing.

Kelly: 53:11

Thank you for listening. Please give us a five star rating like and subscribe, share on social media and tell your friends. We love getting your feedback and ideas of what you'd like to hear on upcoming episodes of the LAF life podcast. If you yourself are living alcohol free and want to share your story here, please reach out.