Things we wish we knew or someone told us when we were drinking! Season 3 Ep.12

In this episode we discuss things we wish we knew or someone told us when we were drinking. As we dive into some of the things, like how drinking increases anxiety or how lonely drinking can be we also question whether if we knew any of these things would they have stopped us. The reality is probably not but is there one thing or a certain person in our lives that could have said something to us that would have helped change our relationship with alcohol sooner. This episode is NOT about regrets, we all appreciate that people get to where they need to be in their our own time and we are all happy with the paths we took to get us here. We hope this episode speaks to the people  out there that may be where we were right now and need to hear this!!

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Transcript

Kelly: 0:02

Welcome to the LAF life podcast, a lifestyle podcast based on living alcohol free and a booze soaked world. My name is Kelly Evans and together with my friends, Tracey Djordjevic, and Lindsay Harik. We share uncensored. Unscripted real conversations about what our lives have been like since we ditched alcohol and how we got here by sharing our individual stories. We'll show you that there isn't just one way to do this, no matter where you are on your journey from sober, curious to years in recovery and everyone in between, you are welcome here, no judgment and a ton of support. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the LAF Life podcast, Season 3, Episode 12. Tonight, we are going to chat about things that we wish we knew or maybe things that we wish people had said to us while we were drinking. I believe that my path is my path and it's unfolded the way it's supposed to but it's more of a curiosity. Like I was thinking the other day I wonder if I knew this thing back then, if I would have quit sooner. So I don't know. Welcome guys. Let's chat. Hey. Hey. I think this is a great topic. When you suggested it for episode topic, I was like, Ooh, this is a really good one. Yeah, sorry,

Tracey: 1:25

I thought you were going to go in and

Kelly: 1:29

just give me a moment to collect your thoughts because yes, I thought there was more coming. Okay. Yeah, so one of the big things that I wonder if I had known sooner is how it increases anxiety, because my whole life, it's no surprise. But in my early 30s, I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. And I think I started drinking more after I got that diagnosis slash label. But because of that 1st, 20 minutes it takes it away for 20 minutes, but I honestly didn't know that it made it worse.

Tracey: 2:07

I have that on my list here too. That was my number 1 because I didn't realize that either. And as you girls know, that was a big driver for me in the end. I started realizing, and Mike helped me out with that too, because he had mentioned he quit drinking before me that he noticed his anxiety got better when he stopped drinking. I was having it every day and it was something that I suffered from in my 20s when I didn't drink. That I didn't have it for years, and then as my drinking increased, it came back with a vengeance. Then, like I said, it was, like, daily and for me, that was, like, daily suffering, right? To wake up every day feeling anxious. So that ended up being a huge driver for me. To stop drinking, but I don't know what would have stopped me had I known sooner if I wasn't experiencing that anxiety right away. I wasn't experiencing it my whole drinking career. I only started experiencing it as my drinking increased. Right.

Lindsey: 3:12

And it's even worse for me, I have been taking anxiety medication since really really young 19, I was consuming alcohol and using medication at the same time, and I didn't put it together. First of all, that's not a good combination. That is so unhealthy and it's not safe to be doing that. And I'm typically somebody that follows rules and listens to doctors. The bottle comes with do not consume alcohol. And I was just like, whatever, and for me, I noticed it a lot the next day, the anxiety. The morning after was off the charts and it's the physical symptoms of it the sweating, the racing heart, the feeling like just sheer panic was horrible. Did I know that alcohol added to that? And cause those symptoms. Probably a little bit because it happened every time I drank or drank really heavily. Did I know it from a scientific point of view and how it worked? No

Tracey: 4:19

anxiety, right? That's a term I've only learned since we've been doing this podcast. And even though the same thing when I was having it every morning, like it was the morning after. Obviously, you're not having it during because you're just coming in. Or numbing anything you're feeling, but yeah, it's the morning after it's the waking up and that's what you're left with after all the chemical imbalance you've created in your head.

Lindsey: 4:46

And that's exhausting. It's just absolutely exhausting and embarrassing.

Kelly: 4:49

It was a cycle too. I remember just like waiting for relief so being so anxious during the day and then knowing that the relief was going to come. After the kids went to bed and I cracked open another bottle of wine. Yeah. And then it's just that 20 minutes of relief. And the medication portion is really important to Linds. I'm glad you mentioned that. Because yeah, we had an episode about that and it is serious. It's something to seriously consider. So hopefully someone's listening to this and takes That take away if they're still drinking as we're talking about things we wish we knew. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Another 1 that I thought of was how it destroys our gut and our microbiome. I've just not learned. Yeah, I've learned so much with it. And I did have an auto immune disease which it was caused by auto immune diseases are caused by inflammation. Yeah. Yeah. Destroying our gut with alcohol causes inflammation in our body. And that's where that anxiety can come from and depression can come from. And I had psoriasis, I had Graves disease, so many things were happening in my body that due to inflammation and alcohol completely destroys the gut and the microbiome. Like you can't have a healthy gut when you're consuming alcohol. A lot of the serotonin too comes from your gut. That's what the research and a lot of scientific studies and articles say that serotonin, a lot of people think it's a brain chemical, but a lot of it originates in the gut. So if you're pouring alcohol into your body, guess what you're also messing with. If you're destroying your gut yeah, depression and anxiety can be. Heightened absolutely, or caused by, yeah. Yeah,

Tracey: 6:40

I think even the fact that alcohol is poison, I didn't realize that when I was drinking. Yeah because it's, put out into the world, like it has some sort of health benefits. I did not realize that it was actually poison in my body until doing this podcast and educating myself. I didn't realize any of those things and stuff until I started really educating myself, listening to other podcasts, reading books associated with alcohol to really start understanding the effects on the body.

Kelly: 7:13

Yeah. Yeah. That's something too. I think I heard that right at the very end. Of, my drinking career when I was trying to still moderate and find ways to keep it in my life, but I did hear that it does cause cancer. And it's a group a carcinogen, which is the same as asbestos and cigarettes and, like it's in that same group, it causes cancer causes 7 different types of cancer. And we know that now, and that's even moderate amounts. It's not just heavy drinkers.

Lindsey: 7:45

Why do you think people ignore that though? I'm even trying to think right now back to when I was drinking. I knew that. I knew that alcohol and cancer were related, but why do you think that people choose to just ignore that and continue to drink and consume it anyways?

Kelly: 8:01

I think it's marketed to us like Trace just said, it's marketed to us like it's something good to have in our lives. We have a lot of money to be made. People consuming alcohol and being addicted to society wants us to drink it. Absolutely. Absolutely. And I think it's lies. We tell ourselves to justify, right? Even smoking. I used to smoke. I knew when I smoked that smoking causes cancer, but I still did it. And it's an addiction. It's because there's an element of it that's addictive and you're addicted to whether it be just even the routine of it, right? If you're not physically addicted. Or the relief or whatever you feel from it. And again, it's that societal pressure that it's what's everybody's doing and it's in every social situation and everything that you do. It's so normalized. Yeah. And there's a saying out there that recently, I just can't stand hearing it, but everything in moderation. Yeah. Really? Everything in moderation? Everything? Even the stuff that might give you cancer? Really? It's the attitude towards that. I don't, yeah. Why would you put something Cocaine in moderation? I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. Oh. I, you know what? One of the things that I wish I would have known about alcohol or somebody would have talked to me about is how alone you feel. Yeah. Yeah. When drinking goes from just a social thing that you do a couple times a year to something that you do on the weekends, like for me, it increased over time. I was never somebody that partied, especially in my early twenties. I was in school. I was focused on university. I was, doing all that kind of stuff. But I find that when I got out into the real world, got the big girl job, got my home, stuff like that, and life and stress started piling up, it seemed like the thing to do, like to go out and unwind, or after work drinks, or to have it with dinner, or the weekend it was the way to relax. And I think we always see, alcohol commercials don't, Have people sitting alone on a couch watching Netflix drinking their product. It's like you're at a social gathering and you're at a concert and you're having so much fun. But I really felt I felt alone. I was like, I don't think if people know how much I'm actually drinking on weekends because I'm doing it by myself and I have to be by myself to keep it a secret. Because if people really knew how much I was consuming, then somebody might say to me, Hey, lens holy shit. You've had two whole bottles of wine tonight by yourself. You can't even talk, and I think alcohol is a substance that wants you to feel like you're stuck because then you have to keep drinking it to keep stuffing down that feeling and it wants you to keep consuming it and it wants you to be. The furthest away from who you really are, so there's that disconnect because somebody who knows and is aware of all these things isn't going to put it in their body, is how I feel. All of us here, we've been on both sides of it, I was a weekend binge drinker. I never drank every day, but when I drank on the weekends, I drank a lot and it was wine and I feel like sometimes people will be upset by things I say like this or things that I post on social media, but I'm like, I've experienced both sides of it. Not drinking for four years. I'm like, holy shit. I'm the most myself that I've ever been. And people drink to loosen up and, just like you shared that thing in our group just now, Tracey, you gain confidence, but you're actually doing the opposite. You have no confidence if you're using alcohol, if you need something to quote unquote, be yourself, you're not being yourself. Exactly. Yeah. I felt so alone holy shit. I know I have to stop drinking or I have to moderate and I've done it. I went six months without drinking, three months without drinking. And then I was like, see, I don't have a problem, but I did a lot of drinking by myself and I loved it. I preferred to drink alone because I just felt, I don't know. Nobody was going to judge me. No one was going to say anything to me. I would go to parties or family gatherings and be like, Oh my God, is it time to leave yet? I'm just going to go home and get a bottle of wine and just, watch Netflix. So I don't know. And then when you get around people, if people find out. That's when it's, everything comes to a halt because,, I think yeah, alcohol does its best work on you when you're doing it alone and by yourself. And it wants you to feel that way so that you keep drinking it.

Tracey: 12:52

Yeah, that's a good point.

Kelly: 12:54

That's a good point. So sad. Yeah, it is. Yeah.

Tracey: 13:01

I had here that I wish when I was questioning my drinking and trying to speak to other people about it, that somebody would have validated what I was feeling instead of trying to make it seem like it was normal by drinking. Oh,

Kelly: 13:16

so what would you say just, I'm not comfortable with my drinking or what would you,

Tracey: 13:21

I would just be saying like, wow, I think I'm drinking too much, I keep having wine during the week, blah, blah, blah. And my friends at the time were all like, ah, no, I do that too.

Lindsey: 13:34

Did you actually ask other people or did you actually say something out loud to somebody?

Tracey: 13:38

Yeah I would say I'd talk about it openly, or I would even talk about mommy wine culture. Yeah I would talk about the fact that I feel like, drinking is getting bad for women. Yeah. And, I feel like I'm a part of that. And why is that, and I think I should be concerned about my drinking and then people would just be like, no, I didn't who doesn't drink wine, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. Yeah. Unfortunately, I probably wasn't asking the right people but I maybe gone to you, Kel, because you had stopped drinking before me and had those conversations. I'm sure you. Would have enlightened me and validated how I was feeling and told me it was normal to feel that way about my drinking and that maybe I need to assess my relationship with alcohol.

Lindsey: 14:28

I think you know. You're asking those questions because something inside of you is going, alarm bells, we can't do this anymore. This isn't you. And I think that could be also a negative, like relying on outside people to validate what you already know. I think talking about it out loud helps you process it. But even people who really care about you, like your health and wellbeing and they want you to be around and they want you to be healthy I think sometimes you're right, asking the right people, if you're hanging out with people who would like to drink with you and you make a change, that leaves them feeling oh what am I going to do now? Yeah. But going back to what you said too, Linz I did a lot of my drinking alone as well. Yeah. So I think that was part of the facade, was that people thought, I didn't have a problem because I didn't really know how much I was drinking. I can. Yeah, I agree with that. Yeah. I was never really out of control drunk, I really held my alcohol. So even if I was in social situations where a lot of alcohol was consumed, or we were partying per se. Yeah, I still held myself together. So I didn't come across to a lot of people like having a drinking problem or, being a heavy drinker say even my close friends, my best friend was like, you never drank a lot around me. So I didn't think much of it because she doesn't drink. So I would moderate my drinking when I was with her. But then I'd come home and drink by myself. Yeah, that was me. Yeah, if I was at an event where there wasn't a lot of drinking, I always went home and drank. Or even at an event that There was a lot of drinking. I'd finish the night off with more drinking. Yeah. Yeah. Unlike a Tuesday night. Yeah. Wow. One of the things I wonder if I wish I had known how much more clarity in general I would have, I was in my thirties. Super ambitious career wise, and there was stuff that I would get stuck on personal development type stuff. And yeah, if I wasn't drinking, I wouldn't have had those problems. But that's the bottom line. It kept me stuck in areas and it kept me dragging my ass. Yeah yeah. Yeah.

Tracey: 16:47

In relation to that, Kel, I had. I wish I knew how much precious wasted energy and potential that it took for me. Because, I'm thriving now in life, but I feel like a bit of a late bloomer, right? I feel like it held me back. What could I have accomplished earlier had I not been drinking? I always have that question to myself now

Kelly: 17:12

and I didn't want to do this topic like to dwell or, do all of that. I get what you're saying trace to yeah, it's, it makes me sad sometimes to think of what I struggled with because of alcohol. For myself I think my path was my path. It happened exactly the way it was supposed to happen. I stopped drinking at 43, and It's yeah, late bloomer, we call it, but maybe that's just, I feel like we're both going to be 50 this year. So we're just getting started with this beautiful life.

Tracey: 17:40

Hey, not that I feel bad about it because I got there. Yes. That is one of the things I think about, as far as I wish I had a known how much time I was really wasting or energy I was putting into that. And I've said before for me, I knew it was eating out my motivation and I have always been a motivated driven person and it took that part of me away temporarily.

Kelly: 18:07

Yeah.

Lindsey: 18:08

I feel like I wish I would have known it was okay to not drink. Yes! You know what I mean? I broke that for like my number one thing. Ah! Like it was okay to say no and no thank you. And you actually, sorry. No. Go. You actually don't need it for anything. And I thought I needed it to socialize. I thought I needed it to have fun. I thought I needed it to relax. I thought I needed it to celebrate. And now I know I didn't need it for any of those things. You don't need it in your life for anything. I know. That's what I wish. I wish I would have known that saying no was okay and it was the thing and you. Don't have to drink, but then it's like you think what am I going to do for fun or everybody else is drinking or what are people going to think about me? Who cares, it just goes back to what we're saying earlier, how ingrained it is in us. It's so marketed to us that it is part of what we do. And that's what kept me stuck to all of this is just reminding me, it's taking me back to the social circles that I was in and the types of events that I was going to and looking at towards the end. When I was already in that self loathing waking up with the anxiety and, just really breaking all these promises to myself about moderation and stuff like that. It just reminds me of looking around and being like, are all of these, and it was women, mostly that was around, are all these women waking up tomorrow and hating themselves too? Do they all feel this way about themselves? Why can't I figure this out? How come they can all drink? They seem to be doing great. And I didn't feel like I was, and that's right now I see that now when I was in it, I didn't see that. But yeah, of course, some of them weren't. And a lot of people were probably looking at me in the same category. Cause I look like I had my shit together.

Tracey: 19:57

How many of those women were going home and drinking more, right?

Kelly: 20:00

Exactly. Yeah, I know. I wasn't the only one. I know that now, but that's like that lonely feeling you're talking about. I had that too. That is my whole motivation why I decided to share about this so publicly in the first place because I really felt like I was the only one that felt that way. Now I know that's not true because my gosh, this podcast, we've met so many people and I've got you guys and yeah. I wish I would have known that the truth of what it was didn't align with who I wanted to be. I was always working towards being physically fit, and I wanted clear skin, and I wanted to just shine, and I wanted to do well at work, and when I think about all the things that I wanted a great marriage, and I wanted to be, with an amazing person and have this amazing partnership with somebody, but all of that. All those things that I wanted, I actually was the opposite when I was drinking, I was breaking out and had the worst skin of my life. I was so out of shape and just had so much body fat, puffiness, inflammation all over. I was trying to go to the gym and drink, smoothies and eat well, but After a night of binge drinking, I'm eating crap, and I'm saying and doing things that are so far from who I am as a person, and who I want to be, in front of others, it just was like, such a disconnection, but yet I thought at the time, Drinking was something that was gonna make me feel more free and it was cool and I could relax and I could de stress, but I was actually causing myself more stress because I was doing and saying things and looking a certain way, the opposite of what I actually wanted. I just wish I knew that substance just didn't align with the life that I wanted for myself and who I wanted to be as a person and who I knew I was deep down. That was your intuition telling you that. Crazy. Yeah. It was hard to give it up. Isn't that crazy? I know. God. I know, I wish I understood that it wasn't aligning with the healthy lifestyle. I was trying to create either. But again, it goes back to we're sold this idea that it has health benefits and that it's normal, especially wine. Or that it's glamorous, right? Yeah. As you're, you're counteracting all your hard work in other areas of life every time you're having a drink. The going to the gym, the green smoothies, the keeping your nutrition in check. And then 8 p. m. rolls around slugging a bottle of wine, yeah, and washing it all down with that bag of Lays. Hello. Yeah, no, that's so true. Yeah, I can so relate to that, Trace. Yeah, I went to the gym almost every single day. Even when my kids were like little babies and toddlers, I'd drag them to the gym and start it with the smoothie, make them healthy meals to make our whole family healthy meals. And then 8 PM rolled around and let's put that toxic. Chemical and fatty, fatty food and they're crazy, but yeah, there's something about that. When your intuition is telling you you've got two different things going on and your soul, your intuition is saying this is what you want. This is what's for you. This is your path. And then you do the opposite of that. You're completely abandoning yourself. And I think that's where so much of the suffering and so much of the struggle comes from is that you knowing deep down how you're abandoning yourself. And then that pain is so great that you numb it with the substance. It's a true internal conflict, really. It is. For me, it was. Yes. I'm thinking why would I do that to myself? Maybe I didn't think I deserved it. I deserved the life that I wanted or the partner that I wanted or the, yeah, the person that I wanted to be because yeah, you're right. You're treating yourself like a garbage can and that's not something you would do to somebody that you actually loved. Yeah.

Tracey: 24:15

Like self sabotage, right?

Kelly: 24:17

Yeah, at the deserved level, I think Lindsay's got something there.

Tracey: 24:20

Yeah, I agree with you, Linds, and I think that comes from our childhood trauma. Absolutely. Yeah. For sure. I would agree with that. I could tell you that I think for sure there was, sometimes I felt like I've intentionally held myself back in life, because I've been my own worst enemy. And using alcohol being 1 of those things, exactly from what you're saying that in that period of my life, I didn't feel I deserved it. Yeah. I didn't feel worthy of it or out of fear. We talk about fear a lot fear that. If I went after what I wanted, maybe I wasn't going to be successful or fail or, so yes. Yeah, and it goes back to the confidence piece too. Yeah. Self esteem. Yeah, that we gain, thankfully, after we stop drinking. Yeah, as we reconnect and get in tune with ourselves.

Kelly: 25:18

I don't regret it though. That's the funny thing. I don't have any regrets. No, I don't regret it because I feel like I needed to go through all of that. Yes.

Tracey: 25:29

Yeah, I don't regret the path either. I regret some of the decisions I made along the way, although I do think or question. Could I had more success sooner if I wasn't drinking? Yes. But I don't regret the fact that I did or that it, I got to where I am now at this time, because I think everything's about timing

Lindsey: 25:53

Yes.

Tracey: 25:53

And who's to say that I would have been ready for certain things at a different time in my life. And all the things that I've gained and learned through the experience of drinking and then stop drinking I would never have those life experiences without doing that. Yeah, for sure. Or the knowledge we have now, that we're fortunate enough to be sharing with other people. Are in the same or similar place we were at yeah.

Kelly: 26:24

And I guess the motivation behind this topic was, maybe somebody will hear something that will help them get unstuck sooner, sooner than if they didn't hear it. Yeah, we'll do that already. Exactly.

Tracey: 26:39

I wanted to mention because this is something that I think people do need to be aware of and I've seen it recently in a lot of posts from people in our community. That people should understand that the hardest part of not drinking is not the not drinking. It's the sitting with your feelings and processing them. That is truly the hard part and the hard work. It's not having the drink. It's so true.

Lindsey: 27:06

As I sit here and try to process what you just said, I feel like, yeah drinking definitely made it, I don't want to say easier, because Drinking prolonged everything. It actually made processing things or learning things harder because you just don't face anything. You just completely numb out and check out of reality and you think that you're doing yourself a favor. by doing that, or that you're taking the stress off but you're actually just piling it on. That's something that I wish I would have known, or somebody would have said to me this isn't gonna help you relax, it's not gonna help you de stress, it's not gonna help you be a better person. You're self sabotaging yourself. And I really, I had control over one decision, it was Not having that first drink because if I had that first drink, I was having more it was hard to say no to more after that first drink, yeah and a lot of times I was okay not having the one drink, not having the first drink, but I knew enough that if I had one, it wasn't just going to be one drink.

Tracey: 28:18

Yeah, I think we all have that problem. Yeah. Yeah.

Kelly: 28:21

Yeah. Yeah,

Tracey: 28:23

that's why we're here today.

Kelly: 28:25

Yeah. But I'm still like that with coffee like why would somebody drink a cup of coffee? Yeah. I love coffee.

Tracey: 28:38

I love coffee too.

Kelly: 28:41

Going back to what we were just saying about trauma, right? I'm sure I've shared this on the podcast before, but just in case somebody's listening thinking about trauma, I had a really good analogy from my therapist once. And she said, trauma is like, there's this hole in the ground. It's a hole and it's there and it's going to stay there until you look at it and deal with it. But what we do instead is we start to build a platform. So we build our life and we build our platform over top. And, maybe sometimes if that hole underneath starts to bother us, or we think about it, we drink. But then we continue to build this platform and build this life. But meanwhile, that hole underneath still there. It's bigger. And, eventually the whole becomes bigger than the platform. And that's when that's what happened with me. Okay, nice platform, but you got to deal with this thing. Yeah,

Tracey: 29:41

sinks inside the hole. Just so people, if they're not watching the video, they'll get a visual

Kelly: 29:49

of what you're saying there. Sorry, I'm using my hands. Yeah, you're using your hands. This is a podcast. Yeah. But that helped me a lot to understand that it doesn't go anywhere.

Tracey: 30:00

it's a great analogy. It's so true. Yeah. And what you said is true too, Linz. It does take longer to process. It really does.

Kelly: 30:08

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When you were saying that I was thinking like, it's in the moment, in that short moment where it feels uncomfortable, it's easier to drink, but you're compounding, what compounds from that is, is disastrous really. Yeah. I saw something online that said, beware of things or substances that cause Instant dopamine hits with little effort. You have to be really cautious with those things. Yes. And that is alcohol. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. So I'm curious. Do you guys think that there's anything that anybody could have said to you along the way? I feel like you did have somebody in your life, your previous relationship where it was talked about, like I didn't have any of that. So sometimes, I think, wow, I'm curious to know, if somebody had said something to me or said girl, you are just. Are you sure you want to drink like this? Are you sure you want to have that drink? It's last call and you're ordering two more drinks. Like really? I'm curious. What do you guys think? Could anybody have said anything to you? Do you think that would have been like, Whoa, okay. Maybe I need to reign it in.

Tracey: 31:29

I think if someone I cared about had that conversation with me, I would have taken it to heart. Say Randy had that conversation with me. Or even, if somebody reached out and they were struggling and said, I need your help, will you do this with me? I think those type of things would have motivated me for sure. I can't go back in time and have that happen, but I think it would. I think it would have affected me or say if Maddie said something to me. I definitely think that. I would've Yeah. Taken it to heart. And I kinda get stubborn about that stuff too. Yeah. I have a stubborn I wonder if I would've gotten defensive Yeah. About it. Oh really? You think I have a drinking problem? I'll show you and I won't drink. I can get like on the flip side of that really quick. Yes. Just to prove a point to be honest with you. Yeah don't tell me what to do. Okay. Yeah, exactly. I don't take well to being told what to do. Yeah. So anyways, so yeah, I feel like for that reason. I probably would have maybe if somebody said

Kelly: 32:36

yeah, that's a good point. Maddie, I feel like 1 of my kids had said something to me. Probably not. Nobody could have said anything to me while I was drinking on a drinking night, whatever, maybe the next morning if a friend caught you when you're vulnerable? Yeah. With some anxiety? Maybe. Feeling shame and guilt. In a gentle, really gentle way. I'm worried about you. That kind of thing, that would probably. Or I know who you are. This isn't. This isn't you. That's a good one. Oh, yeah. So maybe somebody's listening that knows somebody that they want to say something to. And those, I would say, yeah, like that would be being gentle and saying this is not you. This is not you. This is not you. But that's the thing. I had a previous partner say whoa, last night was ridiculous. I would just feel shame and guilt and utter embarrassment and humiliation. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die and just be like, I didn't do that. Or Oh my God, I wasn't that bad. Was I? But it was ridiculous. I think if, yeah, if anybody's listening, you just approach it super gentle, but just. Also, try to point out the positives of the person like, Hey, I know who you really are deep down and what you're doing to yourself it doesn't align with who you are, you're acting really out of character and Even the health effects, the gut stuff, the brain stuff, what it does to your cells, what it does to your brain, actual brain matter. There's a lot of stuff that goes on, especially when you're binge drinking, it's so dangerous. And that person might already know that, right? If somebody is wanting to talk to somebody I would say, yeah, approach it. Even if the person doesn't look like they're full of shame. Yeah. And, guilt, then know that in your mind, like they're probably already feeling shame. So shame can be a part of that. No conversation. Yeah,

Tracey: 34:44

I think you have to come at it. From a place of love, right? Yes, like in your situation Linds, you probably weren't receptive to it because of how that person approached it. Because they were approaching it from more of a shame, exactly that and almost using it as a. Yeah, weapon against you. Yes. So it doesn't surprise me. You probably had that fuck you. I'm going to drink. Yep. Right to that approach. So I always say, and I say this to my team at work all the time and I. 100 percent believe this, and I don't know where it came from, or I think it's just through, the experience of life that everything is in your approach, how you want anybody to respond to you is going to be based on how you approach them.

Lindsey: 35:37

Repetition to sometimes, if different people or telling you the same thing, or you hear it more than once, maybe it is time to evaluate. your relationship with alcohol. If you're constantly running into issues with partners, you're constantly getting into arguments and fights and the next day you have to repair damage that you did. If you are losing things like your wallet, your phone, your keys, or there's injuries, these repetitive things are there to tell you something, right? It's just a matter of time, how long are you going to continue ignoring these things, and just think about how you feel, the next day do you look back at the night before and you're like, I'm proud of the person I was yesterday. And if the answer is, if the answer is no, you're not, something's got to change. I have to read you something. Oh. One of our listeners and my friend sent this to me today, and it said, Since I've been sober, not once have I looked in the mirror and wanted to escape from the person looking back at me. Oh, I just got goosebumps and it's so true. Oh God. It really wasn't until, yeah, it really wasn't until I realized that I needed to get rid of alcohol, that was going to be the thing. That changed my whole life. It wasn't until that. Yeah. That I could also do that look in the mirror and I wasn't like shuddering to myself. I didn't feel shame or I didn't feel embarrassment. I like what I see. I tell myself, I love you when I look in the mirror, whether it's out loud or in my head I feel like you go, Hey girl, I think you're right. I do that, but yeah, cause I do, times drinking alcohol and just oh, man, or the worst next morning, the worst, worse than the mirror were photos and I'm not talking just about the physical because that was. It was awful too, for me. It was more like your, the eyes and you just are, I was, at least me, I was not looking good. I was not looking my best, Oh God, I've always been like take my makeup off, before I went to bed, but those nights where I didn't just waking up with the crusty mascara and the in there or falling asleep with contacts in my eyes, waking up in pain and just, yeah, I don't even think I could look at myself in the mirror to be honest. Yeah. I don't even think I would have been able to. Yeah. Thank goodness. I'm just really glad that I don't drink. I know. Me too. It's a lot of reminiscing for me tonight. Yeah. Very happy to be on the other side of it. And something, sorry Trace, just something that Lindsay said reminded me you really have no idea of what's going to be on the other side. All of us can attest to the fact that it's But really you couldn't have convinced me I knew I had to quit drinking, but nobody could have convinced me that it was going to be better. I just couldn't stand myself anymore. So I have to convince me that was the issue. Yeah, that was my first thing. Yeah. Until I got to the very end and was like, I can't do this anymore. But I had no idea what was on the other side. I'm pretty sure my intuition was telling me that my life was going to change drastically and it did but yeah, I spent a lot of my life trying to figure everything out before it happened and there's no point in that, just trust, trust that you're on a path, trust your intuition. What were you going to say, Trace?

Tracey: 39:25

No, I'm just going to say exactly what you girls are saying, I said it many times and I'll say it to anybody I talk to about this subject. It's the best decision I ever made for myself.

Kelly: 39:36

Yep. Everything followed that decision. Zero regrets. I can tell you that much. It just amazes me every day going back to the clarity piece. Just That, I never wake up feeling that shame or guilt or, and I'm coming from a place that's authentically me. I don't have those aftermath feelings of, oh my God, why did I say that to that person? Why did I do that? Or what did I say? Yeah, that would.

Tracey: 40:06

I'm expressing myself in a way that doesn't feel like me and I feel like I got to question everything about myself and where did that come from? Something I always respected and admired about Randy when I met him and I drank was the fact that he was never in an altered state. And now I get to be that person and I love it. I love it. I know what I'm doing every day. I know where I'm coming from. I'm confident in the decisions I'm making and the feelings I'm having. And I know they're and they're coming from a true authentic place. And what more could you ask for?

Kelly: 40:44

Yeah. And those feelings. Are not always easy. No, like it's that trust in our ability to get through whatever life throws at us, right? We've all gone through really tough things since we quit drinking. And, it's having that. Proof that evidence. Oh no, I don't, I never needed alcohol for this. I can get through this thing and I can go to a wedding and I can go to a funeral and I can, like all of the things have happened in our lives that we've been able to do it clear headed and completely present and ourselves. That's the best thing we get to be ourselves.

Tracey: 41:22

And that's the thing, those feelings are tough, but they're yours, and they're real, and they're raw, and you don't have to question where they come from, because you know they've come from truly what's inside you, not from some sort of altered state that you put yourself in. Yeah, as tough as it is to deal with them. You can feel so much better about them because, it's coming from a real place.

Kelly: 41:50

And on the other side of those things, like working through those things is where you get confidence. That's where true confidence, real self esteem comes from is actually dealing with life and not numbing it out. Yes. The consistency of doing that and showing up for yourself and handling things one at a time. And as time goes on and you do that more and more, you have that confidence holy shit, I can do this. I don't need this in my life. And at first. You feel like a, you're flailing in water and a baby, you don't know what to do. And oh my God, it can be scary, right? It can be overwhelming, but you just have to stay with it. Try to stay calm through it and just keep going because it gets easier and you build confidence as you go.

Tracey: 42:42

Yeah. The more you do it or the more you experience that, as hard as it is, every time you experience. Feelings that you have to process it does get easier and you do get better at it and you get a better understanding of yourself and you build that confidence and you feel empowered

Lindsey: 43:02

so good. Should we wrap up? Does anybody have anything else to say? Or a thought that didn't get out? No? Yeah, I think I'm good too. Everybody, that is a wrap on this episode. You can find us On Instagram at LAF Life Podcast and we have a Facebook page as well with the same name. Don't forget to check out our brand new website, laflife podcast.com, and we will be back here next Tuesday with a brand new episode. So until then, you guys know what to do. Keep laughing.

Kelly: 43:37

Thank you for listening. Please give us a five star rating like and subscribe, share on social media and tell your friends. We love getting your feedback and ideas of what you'd like to hear on upcoming episodes of the LAF life podcast. If you yourself are living alcohol free and want to share your story here, please reach out.