Bottoms Up, Spirits Down: Exploring the relationship between alcohol & self-esteem Season 3 Ep. 18

In this episode we discuss the possibility of a connection between alcohol use and our self-esteem. We question if the way we feel about ourselves is directly related to our alcohol consumption and why people start to use alcohol at a young age to fit into social situations. We also speak about the flip side that relying on alcohol for a false sense of self confidence can impact your self-esteem long term. How continued alcohol use leads to poor decision making which perpetuate the shame cycle, which results in an overall lower self-esteem. We believe the most empowering step to increasing self-esteem is making the choice to say "No" to alcohol!

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Transcript

Kelly: 0:02

Welcome to the LAF life podcast, a lifestyle podcast based on living alcohol free and a booze soaked world. My name is Kelly Evans and together with my friends, Tracey Djordjevic, and Lindsey Harik. We share uncensored. Unscripted real conversations about what our lives have been like since we ditched alcohol and how we got here by sharing our individual stories. We'll show you that there isn't just one way to do this, no matter where you are on your journey from sober, curious to years in recovery and everyone in between, you are welcome here, no judgment and a ton of support. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to the LAF Life podcast. This is season three, episode 18, and we're going to have a conversation tonight about something I thought of the other day. What if we treated our toxic relationship with alcohol as a self esteem issue? So we're not talking about addiction tonight. We're talking about, yeah, we're not talking about addiction somebody who may need to go to treatment or go to detox. There's been a lot of talk about, trends in alcohol. We did a whole episode on alcohol trends a few episodes back. And a common thing that we've heard from our guests and in our own stories is the beginning drinking stages for a lot of people. It starts because for me, I was really shy and I was not, comfortable in social situations and, you hear people say it's a social lubricant or liquid courage and things like that. Why do we need something outside of ourselves to help us? In those situations, why can't we just be ourselves in those situations? What do you guys think?

Lindsey: 1:48

I think this is an awesome topic. I loved it. When you put it in our group chat, Kelly, I was like, oh my god, what? an awesome perspective because, I didn't start drinking until my 20s. I was really scared of alcohol. I'm scared of a lot of things. That seems to be a common theme with me, but I do remember going out hanging out with friends, pre gaming before the bar, and feeling like I needed to have drinks to feel comfortable, for my anxiety level to go down, for me to start worrying less, and opening up, and talking to people, and feeling less shy.

Kelly: 2:28

Well, a lot of people won't even get on the dance floor unless they have some drinks,

Lindsey: 2:32

right? I was one of those people. And I think you nailed it because I was using alcohol as a means to cope with low self esteem and feelings of inadequacy. I just remember feeling not sure of myself, not sure of who I am. I wasn't somebody that had a lot of confidence and I definitely used alcohol when going out in social situations to calm anxiety.

Kelly: 3:00

Yeah, I think that's so common.

Tracey: 3:03

I think it's interesting because I was saying before we hit record that I think I have a kind of unique perspective on it because I didn't drink when I was young, although I was very shy, very socially awkward. As I had described in my own podcast episode, but at that time, it didn't drive me to drink or drive me to feel like needed to drink. I was actually comfortable with being introverted when I was younger, and I was always very self aware. I really didn't feel the need to use alcohol to become someone else or to be someone else. I was okay with the fact that I was more introverted and okay with, the few people or friends I had that I was close to and knew when I got closer to people, I opened up more and I was comfortable with that. But in saying that. I do think that sort of ended up happening to me later in life, when I got into my 20s, and then I was in a relationship with someone who I told you guys was an extreme extrovert. That's when I started feeling more like I needed to be more extroverted, right? And that I needed to keep up with that person. Then I started feeling less than

Lindsey: 4:21

ooh.

Kelly: 4:22

Why, what part, like what made you feel less than I think it was the people that I was around. Okay. All of a sudden I was around a different circle of people that their life was about being social partying. And everything like that, and that wasn't who I was before and I felt almost like a need all of a sudden to fit in without even recognizing that was happening. It just started happening. What I was going to say was that Lindsay, I was always scared of alcohol and the lack of control. I would have over myself. I liked being in control of myself. So for me, it was a bigger sacrifice to lose control of myself to be social than it was to have the desire or need to be social when I was younger. I cared more about having control over myself. Also because there's some alcohol abuse in your family Trace like that. Yeah. You chose not to drink?

Tracey: 5:19

It could have been, but it wasn't consciously I didn't think about that, right? And even though it was an issue in my family, I was never concerned about myself. Because I just felt like I had control of myself, right? I felt like I'm someone who's self aware. I'm someone that likes to be in control of myself. I'm never going to have an issue with alcohol or be a drunk per se, because I don't like to feel out of control.

Lindsey: 5:45

I liked that. I liked that feeling. I'm such a perfectionist and so detail oriented that I welcomed the I don't really care so much about this anymore. Or my brain isn't anxious. I'm feeling good. I feel let loose. Yeah I welcomed that. That was something that I was like, Oh, okay. Mind you, I was wildly hung over most of the time the following day. But during the time that I was drinking and that buzz hit, I was like, Hey, I like the way I feel. I like this feeling, but. Just like our last guest indicated, I didn't have coping mechanisms. I didn't have the proper coping mechanisms. I almost had this feeling, like Tracey said, I had to fit in. There wasn't really a lot of talk in my family about And it's, it's okay to be shy. It's okay to be an introvert. It's almost like going to England and then you start talking with an accent and you don't even realize it, or you do because you're trying to fit in, and then you come home and you're like, what the hell am I doing?

Kelly: 6:53

But that's just what you said right there, Linz, like the it's okay to be different. It's okay to be shy. That's self esteem. If we spoke to all of our young people, because I think if we look back at all of our guests and all the stories that we've had on our podcast, the most common age to start drinking is 14 years old. That's so young.

Tracey: 7:12

I think we should also put into perspective that most of our guests have been in our age group from our generation, so I think it's a generational thing with our parents and our upbringing.

Kelly: 7:25

Yes. I find the young people now so much more confident. Like when I look at, especially my middle kid, I'm like in awe of him all the time because he's so confident. But that's something I think. I thought of when we talked about this conversation is speaking to that the generation today, because we allow them to be who they are. Yeah,

Tracey: 7:47

we're not trying to repress them as much as our parents did. We're not saying do as I say, not as I do and having that attitude, right? We're giving them the freedom to express themselves. And they're doing that and that's making them feel comfortable and confident in who they are as an individual. And I wonder if that is directly related to or correlating with the fact that it seems that a lot of younger people are making the choice not to drink.

Kelly: 8:18

That's right. I would say, yeah, probably. Yeah, I agree.

Tracey: 8:24

Going back to you for one sec, Linz, I wanted to say, when you're talking to, you like that feeling. Do you think you like that feeling because it was making you feel more confident?

Lindsey: 8:35

Yes. I think it made me feel more confident it was fake. It's a facade, right? Because it's brought on by a substance. And when that substance wears off, here's the flip side of this. You're creating that cycle, then, where you rely on it to feel good about yourself, and then that eventually leads to further decline in your self esteem, because then, You're not able to control the drinking and you start making bad decisions because your brain is shut off and then you wake up the next day. You don't remember what you did or you hear stories about the ridiculous crap that you did and said, and you're embarrassed and you feel shame. And that lowers your self esteem, but then the next time you're out, it's a cycle. You use the substance to drink because you think it's bringing you more confidence, and you're able to let loose. And it's so hard to see when it tips over that line,

Tracey: 9:37

yeah. I can relate to all of that. Yes. And I have, pondered really thought too deeply about it. When did it for me, go from Abusing alcohol to addiction, and I try and think what happened in this year? I see a Facebook memory or something like that. There was a point where it switched to something I couldn't live without anymore, as opposed to something I had just been abusing for so many years.

Lindsey: 10:03

I was definitely abusing it. And then I'm like I can go six months without drinking it. And I had, right? Because then I was like, okay, that was my way to take back that control because I felt like, okay, every time I go out, I'm drinking. If I'm at an event and there's no drinking, I can't wait to get my ass home to drink by myself, and I found I was doing a lot of drinking at the end, it was mostly on my own, I was alone. I'm isolating myself now, lower self esteem, I'm puffy, I'm gaining weight, I feel like crap, making bad decisions,

Kelly: 10:37

it's just like an instant gratification or just feeling something exactly for such a short time. I saw something on Instagram that was like, be weary. Maybe that's not the word, be mindful of things that cause. Intense dopamine immediately, really be mindful of those things because that usually comes with consequences after

Tracey: 11:01

I think that if you really think about your drinking history if I look at mine, and I'm sure you to I know that it was a direct correlation, the amount I was drinking with the things that were going on in my life. Yeah. Bingo. When my drinking started to increase, it was definitely due to the circumstances of things that were happening in my life they were happening so regularly that I didn't even have time to process them emotionally and didn't want to, it was just almost too much. Yeah. To the point where. You want to face it. Yeah. I just kept using the wine to flush it down, to flush it down.

Lindsey: 11:44

That was me. You nailed it, Tracey. Yes. Yes.

Tracey: 11:47

Speaking to the flip side of that, I would say the biggest impact that it had on my self esteem was when I was in the thralls of my deepest drinking, because that's when it was affecting my self esteem. And making my self esteem actually low at that point. I don't think I started out with low self esteem. I think that was a result of my drinking. It's interesting because our guests last week, and I know we talked about this on the previous episode we had too, about the whole curiosity thing, right? Yeah. How drinking stalls your curiosity or puts it on pause? And I feel like drinking did that for me with my self awareness. I feel like I was a super self aware person and then the more I drank, the more I lost touch with myself and the more I lost that. It brings you further away from you. Yes. I feel like my self awareness went from like an 8 down to a 4 and then I had to work so hard when I stopped drinking to get it back up to the 8. So it was like almost rediscovering myself over again for me instead of, rediscovering myself for the first time as a lot of other people describe. And I think that has to do with when I started drinking and how I was older and more mature. Yeah.

Lindsey: 13:08

Ah, yeah. Do you think Tracey then, cause now I'm thinking about it related to my situation. Do you think then that because you and I are very similar. We started drinking alcohol when we were older. Yeah. In our 20s and stuff, right? But that's the time when you are supposed to be on this self exploration and a journey to who you are. But When you're drinking and your vibration is so low and your self awareness goes from an eight to a four and you're spending all those years in that four, finally, then when you come to your senses and you're like, this substance is keeping me low, then it's later in life. Then you're here in your late thirties and forties having to do the work that should have been accomplished in your twenties. And now I'm feeling like. Hearing you verbalize this, maybe this is why I made such poor decisions, say with a life partner. I married the wrong person or, I screwed up in this aspect of my life because I was vibing at such a low level and I didn't do any of the self discovery work that I should have been.

Tracey: 14:12

Totally. I can totally relate to that. That's the thing. Before I started drinking in my early 20s was some of the most introspective. I had ever been. I was reading a lot of self help books. I was really in tune with myself prior to meeting my ex partner. And he was a bartender too, right? So like 21 to 25, honestly, I felt very in tune with myself. I was living on my own. I was very independent. I was, starting my career. I was driven. And those are all the things that I talk about. So I ended up with a partner. I want to speak to this, too, because you might be able to relate to this, too, Lindsay. I ended up with a partner who was very emotionally immature. So I feel like. His stagnation created that same stagnation for me. I started becoming stagnant because he was stagnant emotionally. He wasn't someone who wanted to be self aware or was, heading in the direction of trying to improve himself. Or anything like that, and I'm not blaming him. I just think the dynamics of our relationship and that choice in that partner held me back. From myself, I can definitely relate for sure. Exactly to your point Linds in those crucial developmental years, where you would be, discovering yourself, building your career and all that. Choosing a partner that is at a standstill is not ideal for those crucial years of your life. Then you end up being like us or me, a late bloomer, as I like to call myself.

Lindsey: 15:53

Yeah. Yeah. And I'm just like, let's talk about too, when we're saying low self esteem or low confidence, I feel like that can manifest in a number of different ways. And when I think about this stuff, I was like, okay. Was this me when I was drinking? Yes. Number one, negative self talk. If you're somebody with low self esteem, you're constantly criticizing yourself, or you're focusing on your weaknesses, and you have a really pessimistic outlook. I know that's something that I've now been working on, but that was totally me. When I was drinking, or the other thing too, with a low self esteem is seeking validation. You rely so heavily on somebody else's approval with any little decision in your life. Or you're seeking validation to feel worthy or accepted. What do I look like in this outfit? Or does this make me look this way? Or, do you think that this is a good idea? You just constantly want somebody to validate you. Or another big thing was perfectionism, having these unrealistic standards and then feeling like crap when you're not able to meet them. I think perfectionism can also be a self esteem indicator Oh, for sure. Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. And the big one was avoiding challenges, avoiding new experiences, avoiding challenges because you're fearful of failing and you just lack confidence altogether. And I know I definitely did that. I was doing my best drinking by myself. Social withdrawal. Feeling uncomfortable in social situations. Then you just drink more. And what about this one? Difficulty accepting a compliment. That's a hard one for me. Just working on saying thank you instead of no, that's not true or whatever. These are some indicators I think of somebody that may be has low self esteem.

Tracey: 17:49

Yeah, for sure. Because I think like the perfectionism for instance, is trying to meet somebody else's standards or expectations, right? Instead of just. Setting your own goals or, aspirations for yourself and being comfortable. With your progress to them, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Kelly: 18:08

okay, I have a question going back to, I think something that Tracey said a while ago. Talking about drinking to fit in to a situation. Do you guys think that's an indicator that you're hanging out with the wrong people? Oh, that's a great question. Yeah.

Lindsey: 18:24

That, I think, yeah, looking back on the people that I was surrounding myself with, including a boyfriend and his friends, they were definitely not my people.

Tracey: 18:34

I agree. And going back to what I was saying to about that scenario, like you guys said, why do you think that you felt like you had to start drinking and I said, because of the people I was hanging around. So if I think about it in stages of life, I think in high school, I had my secure friend group. So I was comfortable being me. Doing my thing and not having to prove myself to anybody else, right? I was comfortable with the people in my surroundings. But then going into my 20s, my friend group completely changed. So it was like, once I was introduced to this unfamiliar environment, then I felt more of the need to fit in because these people didn't know me. I didn't have that comfortability level with them. And I'm not going to act like there probably wasn't pressure, not necessarily maybe from that individual. Maybe I was putting it on myself to feel like I had to keep up with that big personality, that charisma, and that big, huge extrovert that I was with. Right.

Kelly: 19:35

Yeah. What about I believe that there's probably a good number of people that are in a new situation, like newly separated or newly divorced. So women, maybe in their 30s and 40s. that increase their drinking because maybe the self esteem is low because they don't know how to be in that new space in this new life.

Lindsey: 19:55

And it's uncomfortable. Yeah. I think uncomfortability, like discomfort is one of the major triggers for consuming alcohol. Yeah. And discomfort with what? I think that's a self esteem. Yeah. Discomfort with yourself. Yeah. Discomfort for sure with yourself.

Tracey: 20:13

I can speak to that directly because I was drinking when I was dating after I separated. You two, you did the dating thing sober. Yeah, and I don't doubt that was a contributing factor either 100 percent when I was back in the dating world at 40 after, 15 years of not dating. I didn't do it great the 1st time because I was an introvert, let alone having to do it again at 40 with a kid. Being rusty is like an understatement in those circumstances. So I definitely was utilizing alcohol to get me through that. There's no doubt.

Kelly: 20:52

I separated a year after I stopped drinking and that's not something I thought of at first but then you know once everything was done and getting settled and I was moving out and stuff like that I was like oh my god I'm gonna have to do this. date without alcohol. I can't really, but it wasn't.

Tracey: 21:08

Were you ever tempted, Kel? Were you ever I don't think I can do this.

Kelly: 21:12

No.

Tracey: 21:13

That's good. You were very strong in your sobriety then.

Lindsey: 21:17

I felt like that was a good thing to be dating without alcohol because I had dated While drinking, and it didn't go very well I feel like that's why I ended up with the wrong person for me, because alcohol, like it's easy to get along with people and tolerate people and overlook things and, red flags those gut feelings. It's easy to just have that glass of wine and be like, ah, we'll figure that out later. Or, maybe it's just a one off. You care less, I think, or you think you have a connection with somebody, but it's like going into something like that meeting new people sober. You really know if there's a connection, a genuine one or not. Of course, nerves are normal, if somebody that you're with are sitting across and you just like, dang this would be so much easier with a drink. I feel like that might not be somebody for you, whether it's a friend or a potential partner.

Kelly: 22:17

Oh, yeah. That's the biggest green flag. I think of all in dating is just be yourself.

Tracey: 22:22

Oh, I think there was totally people that I connected with just because we both drank, right? It's that's what we had in common, so that would be your source of entertainment. We can just go out and have drinks. I spent 13 years in a relationship with someone like that. But that was our relationship. It was built on a on a drinking buddy. I definitely carried on into my dating life when I was still drinking. And that is something that I do think about sometimes what if I had to chose a different partner? Because my partner by total fluke doesn't drink. And I can't say that didn't somewhat influence me. I think very unconsciously. Yeah, in my decision to stop, so if I had have ended up with someone that was a drinker, would I have stopped? Or it might have been a lot longer before I realized I should and where would I have been at then, right? I feel very thankful for that. There's a part of me that feels like that certain individual and type of person came into my life for a reason. That was one of those moments where the universe was guiding me to. The place that I should be going.

Lindsey: 23:38

What are things that people can do to work on self esteem?

Kelly: 23:41

That's what I was just thinking. Yeah, like at a young age. At a young age? When, before they're introduced to alcohol, one of the things I've always said to my boys is like, you don't have to drink. It's not a thing you have to do. Because I feel like it's so much a part of our culture and they have grown up with it. They've grown up around a lot of alcohol. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah you don't have to drink and the message that I got was like, don't drink.

Lindsey: 24:06

That's what I got too. Or else.

Kelly: 24:08

There was nothing else, but I love what we talked about at the beginning of it's okay to be different. It's okay to be shy. It's okay to not want to go to the party too.

Tracey: 24:19

But I think it starts with us as parents, right? Yeah. Yes. I think we have to continue to. Encourage our young people and our kids to be themselves and comfortable with that. I tell my daughter all the time that it's okay if she's curious, but it's also okay if she's not interested and she says no. And if people aren't going to be your friend because of that they're not your friends. They're not your people, right? If they are your friends, they're going to accept. You don't want to do it and be okay with it. And I think that I did have those type of friends. My friends were okay with the fact that I didn't drink. They never pushed me into it. So I think that was part of why I was very comfortable to growing up. My best friend didn't really drink herself and then I had other friends that drank, but they never influenced me to do it. And they were content because I was a designated DD. So they always had to drive someone to get them home safe.

Kelly: 25:17

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Lindsey: 25:20

I think we have to create wins. You've got to create little wins for yourself. And I think, when you're 15, 16, 17 what can those wins look like? I think just saving money that's something that, That wasn't something that was talked about in my household. And I remember living at home and working a professional job out of university and still living at home for a year after that and spending everything that I made. But I feel like, there's a certain sense of confidence that also comes when you're in a habit and a routine and it's a positive thing, like saving money or investing money. And, you see these things growing or, Healthy living learning how to cook healthy recipes, learning what, makes your body feel good. What kind of foods, what kind of, beverages and yeah, like doing some kind of activity that you enjoy. I didn't really have a lot of hobbies and I didn't really explore a lot of things like that when I was a teenager. And a lot of that had to do with low self esteem, but I also really didn't know how to build on that, but it's just stacking little wins

Kelly: 26:28

yeah, that's really good ones. I love that.

Tracey: 26:30

Oh, I think encouraging curiosity and discovery. You're saying continuing to encourage that, encourage kids to be curious to explore different things and without putting a lot of pressure on them, because I think there's a flip side to that. It's great that kids get involved in competitive sports and stuff, but I feel like that can come with a lot of pressure. Oh, that's yeah, there can be negative. Impacts and effects on that. Yes, it can create a lot of self discipline, and it can even create social skills, being a part of a team and stuff, but it can have negative impact to on kids, having high expectations of themselves feeling like, they have to, reach certain goals or be competitive, and those can have negative implications to so I think parents have to have a balance and be mindful of that as well.

Kelly: 27:26

Yeah, the pressure could lead kids to drink as an escape I don't know how I got out of parenting three boys without hockey, but that can be pretty intense, on the whole family. Yeah. But probably because you didn't put that pressure on them Kelly? Yeah. Like I didn't with my daughter either. It was like, what are you interested in? Yes, you wanna try something, then you try it. My daughter was never interested in sports. She did dance, she did gymnastics, and she was just interested in it because she enjoyed it and leisurely, she never wanted to be competitive about it. She wasn't really, aggressive in her pursuit of it. so I never forced her, I never pushed her, I gave her the option to try different things and put different things out to her, but let it inevitably be her decision. And I think that's it, giving kids autonomy, right? Yeah. To add to your list that I love about, curiosity and creativity and, time and nature. Yeah, creative elements are huge. Time to do nothing.

Tracey: 28:28

But like we say too practice, right? Practice is what creates everything, right? Creates a habit, creates hobbies. Encourage them to practice. Different things. Try yoga. Try drawing, try photography, whatever it is. Yeah. And yeah, get off your phone. Yeah, that's a good one too. Yeah. Yeah. These devices are creating a lot of anxiety. And self esteem issues, because all the world showing them is a bunch of fake shit. Perfection. There's nothing realistic they're seeing on any kind of social media platform that. Give them a real perspective on what life looks like for normal Joe real. Yeah.

Lindsey: 29:14

Then, I have a question what for you guys, how have you personally addressed any self esteem issues in relation to your own. Alcohol use you ask that again? Sorry. How have you addressed. Any self esteem issues in relation to your own alcohol use, what are some things that you've done or you're continuing to do to address any, if there were any self esteem.

Kelly: 29:43

Oh, I think a hundred percent. The reason why I started drinking was low self esteem and it was like Tracey was talking about earlier, that suppression of who I was really meant to be. And just living a life suppressed and now giving myself the opportunity to just be who I am like the last six years has been, understanding who I actually am as a person, and then giving myself back all of those things that I missed. Like we're talking about like the creativity and the time of nature.

Lindsey: 30:12

How are you giving those things back to yourself? I go outside and play and I do all the things that I want to do and express myself and learn how to express myself. That was a big thing for me was using my voice. That's probably been the biggest thing I've had to overcome is to speak and speak my truth. I love that. Oh my goodness.

Tracey: 30:31

I think the first thing you do is decide not to use alcohol.

Kelly: 30:36

Yeah. That's a huge self esteem booster.

Tracey: 30:40

That in itself, but I think exactly what Kel said I think as you do more self discovery, the more confident and comfortable you feel in your own skin and then naturally that boosts your self esteem putting boundaries in place. Yes. Yeah, I think that the more you just give yourself forgiveness as well. Give yourself a break, don't be so hard on yourself and realize that you're human. Forgive yourself. Still working on that one. Yeah. Giving myself. Grace. Exactly. That was the word I was looking for, Kel. Trust me, it's still hard for me too.

Lindsey: 31:15

I think it's hard for everybody. It's always going to be a work in progress. Yeah. Yeah. What about you, Lins? Yeah, for me, it is doing things every day that empower me in terms of health. That means moving my body every day. That means supplements. That means reading books. I was doing a lot of reading. Podcast listening as I get ready for work in the morning or listening to a book on audible. And then even with the working out, as you continue to show up for yourself and you don't break the promise, cause it's easy to say I'm tired and I don't want to work out today. Like I'm tired. But when you do it and you show up for yourself, that's a little win. And when you do it again the next day and the next day and the next day, you start to become somebody that you can trust, you're not breaking promises to yourself, right? And then you do get more confident. In yourself, because you're working towards something you're feeling good. And these things are hard, right? You're showing up for the hard stuff and you're doing it and you feel really good after that. And you're like, yes, I did it. I showed up. I was tired. I was in a grumpy mood. I had a really bad day at work, but you know what? I took a break. 45 minutes and I did something positive for my body, and not necessarily if you hate running, then maybe don't do that, find something that you resonate with. And I think it's going to be different for everybody, but yeah, little things like that, really focusing on the things that I can control. And then also learning that the things that I can't control there's a book that I just started. It was like, don't sweat the small stuff. It's all small stuff in brackets, like it's just little things like that. Okay, so this went wrong today. I would normally drive to the liquor store and get two bottles of wine, but you know what? Instead. I'm going to get on the Peloton and I'm going to do a bike ride or I'm going to go for a walk or I'm going to make some popcorn and watch a movie without wine. And then as you get through things, as you're able to get through challenges, you're like, wow, okay, I can do this and bonus. I don't feel like shit the next day. Cool. Yeah, I like what you said about control. There's a whole lot that we can't control. No, yeah, there's a whole lot that we can't control.

Tracey: 33:38

I like the expression. I just used this with my team the other day. You know that we have no control over what anybody else does. We only have control over our own reaction to it.

Lindsey: 33:50

Exactly. That is right. And you can feel emotions you can really feel emotions, but you can control how you react to how you feel those emotions. That's 1 thing that I think at a conference, I was listening to a speaker. And she was talking about being an emotionally strong leader and feeling emotions and they can be totally out of control, but then controlling how you react to them. And I was like, Oh my gosh. Okay. Like you're not able to control emotions. They come, they're going to come. They're going to kick you in the ass. You're going to be raged. You're going to be crying. You're going to feel like punching someone in the face, but like how you react that's practice. That's something that you can learn how to control despite feeling.

Tracey: 34:32

Yeah. That's when you need Eva for the somatic experience. Yes. Yes. That's exactly when you use that. Amazing. Did I say that on a recording that I had a session with her and she was just Yeah, you did. Oh, I'm going to book another one with her. I love that. I want to go back to What you touched on there to Linds and we've talked about it's really who you surround yourself with to and what you're feeding your mind when you speak to books and podcasts and stuff like that. And I think it's very important to point out to people to try not to focus on the exterior for your self esteem. Yes. And that the less you focus on your exterior and the more you focus on your interior. That is going to come out on the exterior.

Lindsey: 35:18

Yes, I agree with that. Everybody on social media uses filters and Oh, hell yeah! Other things, but they're not real. Yeah, absolutely. And I think too, like when I used to hear people say, It's who you surround yourself with. And I was like, I have two friends but here's the thing. It's, it doesn't even necessarily have to be real people. Who you surround yourself with is your social media feed, your. What your podcasts are like your books, those also are people that you're surrounding yourself with who you surround yourself with. So Google some inspirational people, there are so many accounts on Instagram that are about empowerment and, working on yourself and self esteem and all these things. And, there's a lot of great alcohol free.

Kelly: 36:09

Let's say one favorite podcast. Everybody. Other than ours. Obviously, I know. LAF life, duh. But Lewis house, the school of greatness. Oh, he's so good. He's so good. He's getting better and better. Yeah. He's on this. He's on the journey and we're on it with him. He's he is on the journey and he's so open and honest about it, which I love.

Tracey: 36:31

I love Mel Robbins. I do love Mel Robbins because she's a straight shooter and she's okay to admit her faults and so I like that there's no kind of bullshit or fluff. And I like that. I think she does a good job with her guests and how she asks questions and really I think challenges things too.

Lindsey: 36:51

Yeah. What's one for you, Kel?

Kelly: 36:53

Rich Roll. I love him. Oh yeah. I post what, I post a lot of his Rich Roll. He's so looking an up. He's very handsome. Oh. He's a plant-based triathlete was a lawyer until he is 40 years old and like just completely turned his life around and he's super The podcast. Yeah. Okay. Great conversation.

Lindsey: 37:15

I'm to it. Going to follow it right now. Follow. Okay.

Tracey: 37:19

I wanted to make one more point on the self esteem. I think one of the biggest things people need to do too is drop any comparisons. Stop comparing yourself to anybody else. Oh, that's such a good one. Yes. Your life to anybody else's life.

Lindsey: 37:35

That's a self esteem killer. That's a really

Tracey: 37:37

good one. Yeah. Any comparisons.

Kelly: 37:39

That's a really important thing to teach our young people. Yeah. Absolutely. Yes. Especially with the social media outlets we are now. And what I was going to say about that how the social media and the devices are creating so much anxiety, they're looking for a relief from that anxiety. So you know, they are in danger of, heading down the road to abusing alcohol

Lindsey: 38:00

Yeah. Other substances. I would, yeah. And I would say that if there is one thing you're gonna tell your kids to do, tell them to drop their phone every once in a while. Yeah. Yeah. And make them take a break or do something. Yeah. Outside of being locked in the room on their phone. Yes. Yep. Drag'em outside.

Kelly: 38:19

I'm just thinking of my youngest, only one that left living with me, but. He likes to cook. So I'll just ask him for help with dinner and like he'll come and chop up vegetables or whatever. And, he can make a whole meal, but that's yeah. What kind of things like does. Maddy liked to do Trace. That's great, Kel. I like that. I don't make Maddy get in the kitchen with me. And you know what? My mom never did that with me either. And I should because I love to cook and I didn't learn anything from my mom.

Lindsey: 38:45

You're great. First of all, you're great at cooking and your recipes. I'm like, whoa.

Tracey: 38:50

Yeah. Yeah. A lot of people enjoy my cooking. That's what I hear when I cook for other people, but even my kid actually enjoys my cooking. She will often say, that's good. Yours is way better.

Kelly: 39:01

It is good.

Tracey: 39:04

But I don't. I don't,

Kelly: 39:06

How does she drop her phone there? No, I'm not asking if you can, I think

Tracey: 39:09

you're inspiring me. No, they're good. I will just tell her like, we're going to do this or, we need to spend time together. I'll remind her, get off your phone. I'll make her watch a show with me and I'll say, yeah, touch your phone. No, respond to that right now, you're spending time with your mom. Yeah,

Lindsey: 39:32

I love that.

Kelly: 39:33

Yeah, that's good.

Lindsey: 39:34

I think this was a good chat, you guys. I think so, too. Yeah. Yeah, it just came into my head the other day, just about self esteem. What if instead of, all of these other things that we focus on, what if we thought about it as a self esteem issue and especially with our young people. You don't have to drink! You really don't have to. Yeah, you don't have to. You really don't. And there's lots of replacements, lots of replacements.

Tracey: 40:01

How you phrased it, Kel, like if you look at the toxic relationship you have with alcohol, any toxic relationships really stem from low self esteem, right? including the one you have with drinking.

Lindsey: 40:14

Yeah. That's what you allow. Allow in your life. It's how you allow people to treat you, what you allow into.

Kelly: 40:22

Yeah. I thought it was, I thought it was a thing I had to do.

Lindsey: 40:26

I think I did too. Much a part of my life. I thought I had

Tracey: 40:29

I think that's what everybody thinks because that's what's drilled into our head by all the social media and marketing of, alcohol. So I think we all feel like it's something we have to do. When you turn 18 in Canada, if you're listening, it's when you're in Manitoba, at least, it's like when you turn 18, what's the thing you get to do? Everybody knows it's drink. That's the legal age. So it's like, how can we make that an age that you turn?

Kelly: 40:59

That is something we see on social media, right? Or I've seen regularly on social medias when a parent has a child that turns said it's 18. So 18, 19, 21, and they take them out for drinks and post pictures of their alcoholic beverages. It's we can stop doing that any day now. Cause that's pretty toxic.

Lindsey: 41:17

That is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I agree. Absolutely. Yeah. Stop encouraging that. Like it's a rite of passage, right? Yeah. That is How it's.

Tracey: 41:26

I think it's very important to speak to the negative impact alcohol has on your self esteem once you start getting into an abusive relationship with it. I think that's very key for anybody who, is drinking and finds that they're Drinking is progressing to keep that in mind, especially if they feel like they're in a low place that it could be a direct result of. And correlating with how much they are drinking

Lindsey: 41:54

It can cause or be a trigger for depression because it screws up all the chemicals in your brain, right? So if it's messing with chemicals and maybe your self esteem, you haven't done a lot to work on it or develop it. Now you're feeling depressed and anxious. It's just a disaster. It becomes this cycle. Yeah. Yeah.

Tracey: 42:12

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Kelly: 42:15

Thanks guys. Thanks for.

Lindsey: 42:17

Yeah. This is a good chat. Oh, I want to thank our listeners again for tuning in and do us a big favor. It would really mean a lot to us if you hit that follow button. So follow our show. If you thought this was helpful in any way, send it out to a friend. You never know. who is struggling or who you can help. You can find us on Instagram at LAF life podcast and head on over to Facebook. We have a group there as well under LAF life podcast, where we make some posts and there's discussion happening in there. We just launched our website, laflifepodcast. com. We will see you back here next Tuesday with a brand new episode. Thanks for listening guys. See you soon. And you know what to do. Keep laughing.

Kelly: 43:04

Thank you for listening. Please give us a five star rating like and subscribe, share on social media and tell your friends. We love getting your feedback and ideas of what you'd like to hear on upcoming episodes of the LAF life podcast. If you yourself are living alcohol free and want to share your story here, please reach out.